Friday Funnies – Mother's Day

Funny Mother’s Day jokes to get your weekend started. Enjoy!


Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings


Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be,  as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Things Mom Would Never Say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
  • “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
  • “Let me smell that shirt–Yeah, it is good for another week.”
  • “Go, ahead and keep that stray dog, honey.  I will be happy to feed and walk him every day.”
  • “Well, if Tommy’s mother said it was OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.  It is not like I am running a prison around here”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket–The wind chill is bound to improve.”

DIY, but Mom’s Way

While assembling furniture, my friend Debbie asked her roommate’s five-year-old son to bring her a screwdriver.
“Do you want a ‘Daddy’ screwdriver or a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver?” the little boy asked.
Confused but preoccupied, Debbie absentmindedly said, “Bring me a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver.”
The child came back and handed her a butter knife.

A mother had been getting on to her two little daughters about not picking up their clothes. One afternoon, mom went into their room and she could be heard saying, “Who left all this underwear all over the floor?”  As innocently as an angel, one of the girls replied, “The Panty Fairy came and left us presents”!

Friday Frustration –

Friday Frustrations-thumbnail

My frustration for this week….none. This week has been an excellent week. I have been slightly busy. Trying to get one post about Mental Health Awareness completed each day is a bit of a challenge, however, so far I have managed it.

Maria, I love this Meme and I appreciate you taking the time to host it every week!

The Impact Of Physical Illness On Mental Health – Mental Health Awareness

I believe that my physical illnesses contributed to the poor state of mind I had, as well as developing Clinical Depression, and an Anxiety Disorder. I went from being a relatively healthy person to someone who physically feels rotten much of the time. Also, several of the medications I am on to treat the diabetes and the asthma have been shown to directly affect your brain and lead to depression, especially, if you are already prone to depression or anxiety.  My counselor calls it co-morbidity.

I believe I have a better attitude and outlook about my physical illnesses. When I was in the hospital for my asthma in February,  I was not down in the dumps like I would have been before. Being there on my fortieth birthday did not bother me. I even kept blogging while I was there. I would have the nebulizer in my mouth, for a breathing treatment, and I would be blogging away at the same time. I also think my depression medications help counter how my other medications might affect my brain chemistry.

The Impact of Physical Illness on Mental Health


There is one particular aspect of  mental health that is still not widely discussed.  It is the impact that physical illness has on a person’s mental health.  Mental health workers easily recognize this fact, everyday they see patients with a multitude of physical and mental issues.  Unfortunately, few outside the mental health field see the correlation.

One way to put it in perspective is to think about how you feel when you have a cold.  Obviously, you have a stuffy nose, runny eyes, a fever, and you just feel physically awful.  How about the mental aspect of it?  Many people get cranky, and a bit irritable.   Very often it goes deeper than that.  Many people feel “blue” or “down in the dumps” when they have a cold.  I know I get really whiny when I have a cold.  The good thing is we know that a cold is not going to last very long, most of the time, and soon we will be back to feeling like ourselves.

Now think about this, what if the cold turned into a long term illness?  How do you think that would affect your mental health?  Most people, no matter how mild or serious the illness is, experience a wide range of emotions.  Emotions like anger, sadness, and worry.  We feel like we have no control and that our bodies have let us down.  We feel lonely, and even though there probably have been millions of other people with the same illness, we feel as if no one really understands what we are going through.

From a mental health perspective, when it comes to a chronic or long-term illness, anxiety and depression are the biggest concerns.  Many times these mental health issues  are  over-looked and left untreated.  Which can be very dangerous from both a mental health perspective, it can lead to suicide, and from a physical health perspective, it can delay healing.

Doctors are becoming more aware of how physical illnesses can affect mental health and attempt to be on the look out for the signs and symptoms of anxiety and depression.  However, their best source of information about how you are doing mentally, is from you.  Your doctor will not be aware that you are having any mental health issues if you are not open and honest with them about what is going on in your life and how you are feeling.

Why are depression and anxiety more likely to happen when you have a physical illness?

  • People become depressed and anxious when they are stressed for any reason.  Being ill is stressful.
  • Some drug treatments, such as steroids, affect the way the brain works and can directly cause anxiety and depression.
  • Some physical illness, such as an under-active thyroid, affect the way the brain works and can directly cause anxiety and depression.

You are more likely to experience severe anxiety and depression when you are physically ill if:

  • You have been anxious or depressed before.
  • You do not have family or friends you can talk to about your illness.
  • You are female (women report more anxiety and depression than men).
  • You have other problems or stresses going on in your life at the same time.
  • You are in a lot of pain.
  • Your illness is life threatening.
  • Your illness has left you incapable of taking care of yourself.

Shameless Plug

My daughter-in-law just took up blogging. She started it for much the same reason I started blogging. Using it as a journal of sorts. She also has had some struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I would take it as a personal favor if ya’ll took the time to visit her site. I am very proud of her. Keeping a public journal is not always easy, and she is being very brave by doing so.

Here is the link to her site Krystal Mashburn

Thursday Thirteen – Mental Health Awareness

Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month and many of my posts are about Mental Health Awareness, my thirteen today are thirteen ways to maintain good mental health.

  1. Get enough rest. To have good mental and emotional health, it’s important to take care of your body. That includes getting enough sleep. Most people need seven to eight hours of sleep each night in order to function optimally.
  2. Try to avoid unhealthy mental habits. Repetitive negative mental habits, such as worry and negative thoughts about yourself or the world suck up your time, drain your energy, and trigger feelings of anxiety, fear and depression.  Replace those repetitive negative mental habits with positive ones.
  3. Manage your stress levels. Stress takes a heavy toll on mental and emotional health, so its important to keep it under control.  There is no way to eliminate everything that causes us stress, however, stress management techniques can help bring things more into balance.
  4. Connect with others. We all need to feel valued, supported and connected.  If you feel that your current connections are not enough, you can do a few things to form new ones.  Enroll in a class that intrigues you.  Join a group, like a book club, hiking club, or something else that you find interesting.  Volunteer, working together builds bonds and helping others has its own rewards.  Reach out.  Let people in your life know you need extra time with them.
  5. Get physically active. Dust off your tennis shoes and get your butt moving.  Not only is it good for you body, it is good for your mental health.  It decreases stress, anger and tension.  It reduces anxiety and depression.  It boosts your sense of well being.
  6. Create Joy and Satisfaction. It is time to add a little something to your to do list.  Pencil in a little pleasure.  You probably deserve some joy and pleasure anyway, but there are some serious benefits to pleasure.  Good feelings can help you bounce back from stress, solve problems, improve your thinking, and even boost your immune system.
  7. Eat well. Mom was right, you have to eat well to function well.  Good food can boost your energy, lower the risk of developing certain diseases, and provide fuel for your brain.  It can also counteract the impact of stress on your body, and affect mood-related chemicals in your body.
  8. Take care of your spirit. Spirituality can provide a reassuring belief in a greater force or being, a sense of purpose and meaning, and helps you focus on your own wisdom, and a way to understand suffering.
  9. Deal better with hard times. At some point in our lives, most of us will face times that are extra stressful or that even shake us to our core. At those times, having strong coping strategies can make a huge difference.  People who spend time writing about a difficult event have better health and less depression.  It is also interesting to note, writers doing this often had their grades improves and found writing jobs more quickly.  People facing stress often feel better after problem solving. People who focus on the positive in their lives are less upset by difficult memories.
  10. Help Others. If you lug your elderly neighbor’s groceries up her steps, clearly it’s good for her. But did you know that it’s likely good for you too? Research indicates that those who consistently help other people experience less depression, greater calm, fewer pains and better health. They may even live longer.
  11. Keep things in perspective. Avoid blowing things out of proportion.
  12. Prioritize. Set realistic goals.  Take small steps to accomplish each task, one at a time.
  13. Get professional help if you need it. If the problems in your life are stopping you from functioning well or feeling good, professional help can make a big difference. And if you’re having trouble, know that you are not alone: One in four adults in this country have a mental health problem in any given year.

If you or someone you know is feeling especially bad or suicidal, get help right away. You can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center or dial 911 for immediate assistance.

Clinical Depression – Mental Health Awareness

I was diagnosed last year with Clinical Depression. My diagnosis came after several years of suffering, and a suicide attempt. When I compare how I feel now to how I felt this time last year, I am amazed at the difference. Even my soul feels refreshed.

I will always have Clinical Depression, however, my goal is to never allow myself to get that sick with it again. Everyday, I look for any signs that my medications might not be working. I have family members whose job is to watch and see if I exhibit any signs of a set back. I have plans in place in case my medications ever stop working, and I need some extra help for a time. I believe all of these are productive steps in my plan to stay as healthy as I can.

Clinical Depression


Depression affects more people than any other mental illness, more than about 19 million Americans each year.

Clinical Depression is more than just being down in the dumps, or feeling blue.  It is a real illness, and it can be treated.  Unfortunately, most people who have depression do not seek help.

Many people are intimidated by the stigma that surrounds depression or other mental health issues, and as a result do not want to let anyone know they need help.  Others believe depression is just a normal part of  life’s ups and downs, and do not realize that it is a real illness, causing them to delay seeking help, or to never seek it at all.   It is important for people to know that depression is a real illness, and there are many effective treatments for it.

Some signs of depression are:


  • A persistent feeling of sadness, anxiety, or an empty feeling
  • Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much
  • Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
  • Loss of interest and pleasure in once enjoyable activities
  • Restlessness, or irritability
  • Difficulty in concentrating, difficulty in remembering things, or difficulty making decisions
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless
  • Thoughts of suicide or death

If you have been experiencing five or more of these symptoms for two weeks or longer, there is a possibility that you may have depression.  Seek professional help immediately.

If you are a family member is in crisis right now call 1-800-273-TALK or dial 911

Positive Thinking – Mental Health Awareness

Not so long ago, my head was full of negativity. I would tell myself what a loser I was, I was always looking for the worst to happen, and in every situation I could only see the negative. All of that negativity affected my mood, and my attitude.

With the help and encouragement of my counselor, I began to change my thinking. Turning my thoughts to a more positive outlook. In the beginning this was very difficult for me. Months passed with me continuing to try to have more positive thinking. It became easier and easier. I noticed that my mood was improving. I had a more positive attitude about my life. I no longer worried all the time and I was much more relaxed. I became a more pleasant person to be around. I felt better because my thoughts were better.

Positive Thinking


Many people give themselves negative messages.  Most of the time they do not realize they are doing it.  Usually, it is something they learned as a child.  They could have learned these negative messages from other children, teachers, family, caregivers, and society. Once a person has learned them, they tend to repeat them over and over to themselves, especially during a difficult time in life.  They come to believe what the negative messages are saying, and often create their own to add to what they are already repeating to themselves. These negative thoughts or messages lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel bad about themselves.

Some common messages that people repeat over and over to themselves are “I never do anything right,” “No one likes me,”  “I am a loser,”  “I am stupid.”  Most people believe these messages about themselves, no matter how untrue they are.  The messages tend to point out the worst in a person and they are hard to turn off and unlearn.

However, they can be turned off and replaced with positive messages and thoughts.  To start, you need to pay attention to your thoughts.  Every time you have a negative thought or give yourself a negative message, ask yourself a few questions.  Is this message really true?  Would I say this to another person? If not then why am I  saying it to myself?   What do I  get out of saying this message? If it makes me feel bad then why not stop using it?

Once you are aware of when and what negative thoughts and messages you are saying to yourself you can start replacing them with positive ones.  Since you cannot think two thoughts at the same time, if you are thinking something positive you will not be able to have negative thoughts.  When you are creating your new messages, remember to use positive words like, wonderful, good, smart, loving.

After you have created your new, positive messages, start repeating them to yourself over and over.  Write them over and over if you need to.  Put them in places where you can see them daily, as a reminder to you.  The refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, the door you use to leave your house, as a screen saver on your computer are all good places to put them.

Changing your negative thoughts to positive ones, will take time and persistence.  If you stick with it, in a few weeks you will notice that you have fewer negative thoughts and when they do pop up you will have positive messages to replace them with.  You will also notice that your attitude will change for the better and you will feel physically better as a result of less stress and worry.

The Queen's Meme – Milking Donkeys

The Queen’s Meme #36 ~ The Weird, Unusual and Amusing Meme

Sometimes silly.
Sometimes serious.
Always fun!
Step out of the box.
Be creative.
Use your imagination.
No one’s answers are quite like yours!

The following statements are true. Your job is to explain why you think they are true. Just offer up your usual amusing quips! I’m betting we’ll have some hysterical responses. Remember that somewhere somebody in the world needs to know these things and your tax dollars probably paid for the research that went into proving them true.

1. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Maybe people keep trying to milk the donkeys and it makes the donkeys very upset, especially the boy donkeys.

2. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

I am not sure why Donald Duck not having pants is that big of a deal.  After all he does not have a dingle that he needs to keep concealed.

3. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Maybe goldfish use photosynthesis so no light means no color.  Or maybe it is so they can see each other better in the dark.

I know, the skin is made from real gold and when it is dark the gold stealing fairies come and steal the gold fishes gold and it leaves them white.

4. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. Why were they fighting in the first place?

They were fighting over a woman

5. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

That is so we can focus better.

6. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

What is the scientific value of finding out which way an ant falls when it is drunk?
Maybe its head is heavier on the right side.

7. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

I have no idea why, but it makes sense. When an ostrich sticks its head in the ground it really thinks it is hiding.

8. In England, the Speaker of The House is not allowed to speak.

That is an oxymoron if I have ever heard one. I am clueless. I could google it but then it would take some of the fun out of this meme.

9. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

I have a theory about how this technique was discovered. This is the same position my husband takes when he is farting in bed, so I am thinking the person who discovered that this worked, found out because he was farting.

10. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

Now that is just crazy! Maybe the parents are actually the ones doing it so they can trade their baby in for a better version.

12. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Not surprising. The dentist probably invented it as a way to further torture his patients, after all, that is what it feels like when you have to go to the dentist.

The Mom Who Eats Worms

Most people have at least one irrational fear. Spiders, snakes and dogs seem to be fairly common fears. Gayle at Monkey With Glasses has a fear of getting lost. As for me, I have an irrational fear of earthworms.

I always thought that my fear of worms was just a personal quirk of mine. After all, it does seem a little silly to be afraid of an earthworm. They are harmless creatures that help our gardens grow, and are really helpful in a composter. Yet, I am terrified of them. I felt alone, living in a world full of earthworm loving people.

I am not sure why I did it, but the other day I went to my favorite search engine and put in the words “fear of earthworms”. Guess what I found? There is an actual name for it…Scoleciphobia. I am so excited to know that there are tons of people who are afraid of earthworms. I am not the only person who has an irrational fear of these harmless creatures. I am not alone in my weirdness!

Over the years, I have put on a brave front when it came to my fear of earthworms. Especially in front of my children. I did not want them to know their mother was afraid of worms. As impressionable as young children are, I did not want to take a chance of passing my fear on to them. Also, let’s face it, they are my children. If they had found out, they would have thrown worms on me.

The lengths I would go to in order to keep my earthworm fear a secret surprises me at times. One incident in particular sticks out in my mind.

My son and I had moved into a small house. For us, it was a welcomed move after living in apartments in not so safe neighborhoods for a few years. Even though we were renting, I decided to plant some flowers in front of the house. My son was out there with me as I was digging holes for the plants. While I was digging, he and I discovered an earthworm. My plan was to ignore it and the hole until it went away. My son had a different plan.

His plan was to pick the earthworm up and show it to me. He really wanted me to examine it. I really wanted to run away screaming. Instead, what I ended up doing would come back to haunt me. I told my son that I wanted him to put the worm back on the ground so it would not die. The reason I gave him was that it needed to get bigger. It needed to be much fatter before I could eat it. You read that right, I told him that I ate worms just to make him get the worm away from me.

Not very long after this, my son traveled to China, where my parents were living, with one of my mother’s friends and her grandson. My mother was very good about sending me pictures and videos of my son so I could see what he was doing there.

On one particular video tape you can tell that it had rained recently. My son and the boy he traveled to China with were jumping in puddles and talking. They both stop to examine something that they saw on the ground. It turns out to be a rather large earthworm. After the boys examined the earthworm for a minute or two I hear my son say, “Don’t kill it. My mom eats worms!”

Just when I thought he had forgotten all about that, it showed up right there on the video tape. There is no telling how many people have watched that video over the years. I am sure at least a few of them are referring to me as “The Mom Who Eats Worms”

Simple Woman's Daybook – May 3, 2010

FOR TODAY May 3, 2010

Outside my window… rain

I am thinking… that May 17th is coming up

I am thankful for… for my husband

From the kitchen… nothing much going on there

I am wearing…
my purple pajamas

I am creating… writing pieces, experimenting with different writing styles

I am going… to see my counselor this week

I am reading…
a lot of information about mental health. May is Mental Health Awareness Month

I am hoping… that I make it through this month mentally intact

I am hearing… birds chirping

Around the house… my daughter is reading, the dog is sleeping, and it is very peaceful

One of my favorite things…
is my writing

A few plans for the rest of the week:
to enter another writing contest, and to get a few blog posts done ahead so they can auto-post

Here is picture for thought I am sharing…