Do you know what time it is? It is time for me to quit smoking. Yes, I know, it is a horrible habit. I readily admit I need to stop making excuses for why I continue it. Even dad – who smoked many more years than I have – quit before he died.
So if I seem crankier than usual, and am harder to get along with, be patient. I will do the best I can to contain my irritability.
I thought I was dealing with managing my emotions about dad’s death well. I am starting to think I might be wrong. It feels like some of the people in my support system are seeing something I am not. If they are – in a way – that is a good thing. It means the people I have asked to help me keep track of any depression symptoms I might exhibit, are doing exactly what I need them to do.
Even though I found a group in Augusta – that met Monday night – mom was insistent that I go to my regular group yesterday, Granted she did have some business to take care of up here, but I think what motivated her to come up here when she did was to make sure I went to my group. Not in a bossy, “You are going to group” kind of way, but more of making sure I was up here so I could go kind of way.
After group was over, my counselor insisted that I see the psychiatrist today. She said something about dad’s death being a major life event – which can be very triggering to someone who has a history of major depression, She suggested that I might need an increase in my medications – to keep me evened out – for a little while.
My friend – Terri – commented on how I was dressed yesterday. She said that I usually dress very nice, but yesterday I was wearing sweats, a t-shirt, did not fix my hair, or put any make up on. For me, sweats are like pajamas I can wear in public, and – for the most part – I had quit wearing sweats and pajamas during the day.
Thinking about it, even I have to admit there have been times when my thoughts have slipped their gears. They are not thoughts of wanting to hurt myself in any way, however they are are very negative. Things like feeling I am in the way, wanting to disappear – run away from the pain.
I have gone back to several unhealthy habits. One of which, is constant worrying. It is interfering with my sleep. I stay up, and do things until I am absolutely not capable of staying awake any longer. Then I fall asleep where I am, only to wake up again in a few hours. I am doing that because it allows me to avoid laying awake in bed worrying about things.
During the day, I am constantly dozing off – like I did when my depression was not being treated. Some of it is caused by lack of sleep, but not all of it. Some of it is because I am starting to feel tired weary in my soul.
I am not an expert in grief, nor am I an expert in depression, so I have no idea how much of what I am feeling is a normal part of the grieving process, and how much is grief, and depression combined. I guess am hoping things will be a little more clear in my mind after I see the doctor today.
I am now on my third set of Positive Words – going in alphabetical order. I get just as much out of them now as I did when I began this series.
Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind, were peppered with negativity. At the time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Feel free to use anything you see on this list on your own blog – or even create your own list of positive words.
I am not feeling particularly positively positive about anything, so I will be starting off why this word is positive in a different way than I usually do.
Onward – This word is positive – to me – because I know I need to keep moving onward – moving past how I feel now. If the only way I can keep moving onward is to get some extra psychiatric help – for a short while – then I need to do that.
I am now on my third set of Positive Words – going in alphabetical order. I get just as much out of them now as I did when I began this series.
Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind, were peppered with negativity. At the time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Feel free to use anything you see on this list on your own blog – or even create your own list of positive words.
Near – This word makes me feel positive happy because my friends – those I rely on – are near. They are only a phone call away. Just last year, I had no one – apart from family – that I could count on. Things are different now. The other reason this word makes me positively happy is I have found a support group that is near. It is a nice feeling to know that when I reach out for help, I have it from new, and old friendships.
Have you ever known you needed something, but could not really identify what it was that you were in need of? I have, especially lately. I have felt so agitated, and out of sorts that I knew there was something I needed, but I could not figure out what it was.
Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks – I needed real life, face to face time with people who understood me. After only a few phone calls, I had a line on a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting that was taking place that night. The most exciting part for me was that this meeting was for women only – a setting I am more comfortable with.
The women were awesome. They let me ramble on for most of the meeting. I was able to cry, and LAUGH – venting my frustrations and sorrow. It definitely provided me with the in person contact that I so desperately needed.
There were women there who have been living with their mental health issues for many more years than I have. They shared a great deal of wisdom – that they had gained from their own life experiences – with me. They told me what I am feeling right now is normal. I left that meeting feeling better than I have in days.
I will go again. It feels so good to have been able to key in on a valuable mental health resource.
Normally, I would be living one day at a time – but not right now. For the last week, I have been living from minute to minute. Right Now. People ask if I am doing okay, and my response is either “I am ok…right now.” or “I am not ok…right now.” The very thought of any moment in time other than Right Now makes me feel overwhelmed and lost.
The silence in the house scares me. So I have to keep myself focused on Right Now. Life without my father scares me, I had come to depend on him so much. Watching what the grief is doing to my mother scares me.
Right Now, I really want to go to bed, cover my head with my blankets, and stay there for a while. I am doing everything I can do to distract myself – in order to not give into that urge. Right Now, I feel agitated, and it is difficult to focus my thoughts, because of fighting so hard to not end up in bed.
Right Now, I am okay, a few Right Nows ago, I was not. In many ways, today – Sunday – has been the hardest day since dad died. Right Now, my heart hurts, but I know when the next Right Now comes around that could change.
I am not sure how long I will have to take life in a series of Right Nows. I guess it will take however long it takes.
I am now on my third set of Positive Words – going in alphabetical order. I get just as much out of them now as I did when I began this series.
Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind, were peppered with negativity. At the time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Feel free to use anything you see on this list on your own blog – or even create your own list of positive words.
Memories – This word makes me feel positively happy because I have many good memories of my dad. Those memories are bringing me comfort. They are helping me not be overwhelmed by the sorrow I am feeling.
I cannot express how much everyone’s thoughts, prayers, and support have meant to me. Knowing that so many people are there for me has really helped this week. Thank you.
I usually try to post something everyday, however, I have decided to take the next couple of days off from blogging. I need some down time to collect my thoughts, and get myself back on a more even keel.
I appreciate everyone’s understanding, and I will be back to my normal blogging schedule on Monday,
In some ways it has been difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that my father is no longer here. Part of me keeps expecting him to walk in the door at any moment, and the other part of me is incredibly sad that he will not.
I know that you will understand why I need to do this, and I hope you will still be here when I come bakw[[[
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The following is what I am going to share during dad’s – George Shell – memorial service this afternoon.
I have really enjoyed all the stories, and little tidbits people have shared about my dad. I have loved learning how much he meant to the people he worked with. It has helped make a difficult time easier. Dad talked more about the people he worked with here than I ever remember him doing before. He was extremely proud of all the young men, and women he took under his wing, and bragged on them often.
I think everyone who knew dad would agree that he was one of a kind. He lived life on his terms, and was not afraid to bring the rest of us along for the ride. It has been an awesome ride.
My dad was not only a good man, he was also a good father. There was never any question in my mind about how much he loved me. The childhood he gave me was just as unique as he was. It was a childhood filled with walking up castle steps, being chased by bulls, visits to Disney World, eating Baked Alaska one night, and eating vienna sausage out of the can the next day.
It was a childhood filled with unexpected adventures, leaving me with lots of great memories. I will always remember the camping trip we took one summer – when we were living in Spain. We made it all the way to Germany – in the tent dad had borrowed – before things went slightly awry. It seems the tent had a large leak in it, and more than a little bit of the rain pouring down that night leaked inside. I woke up and discovered my air mattress was floating in water, and my parents had spent the night in the car. Dad always said two things about that trip, one was we would never forget it, and two it was the first – and only time – he ever convinced mom to go camping.
As organized as my dad seemed to be in his work life, the opposite was true in his home life – especially when it came to planning family trips. This was especially evident during that same summer we went camping. We were driving back to our home in Spain – after having gotten my cousin on a plane in Switzerland. The plan was for us to stay in a hotel along the French Riviera. Dad did not make the hotel reservation, he figured there would be no problem finding a hotel during the busiest time of year for that part of Europe. Always true to his word, we did end up sleeping along the French Riviera – in the car.
Even during the week before dad passed away he left me with some great memories. Dad was not really thrilled about the new diet plan he was going to have to follow. So mom and I work very hard to give him meals that were full of flavor. One night I was preparing some dessert, fruit with plain greek yogurt on top. If you have never had plain greek yogurt, let me tell you that it is extremely tart, and does look like whipped cream. Knowing that is probably what dad would think it was, I made the decision to not tell him anything different. So when it came time to eat our dessert, dad dove right in. I will always remember the look on his face. It was one of total shock and surprise. Dad being the kind of man he was, planned on eating the rest of the dessert to keep from hurting my feelings. However he looked very relieved when I told him he did not have to finish it.
Even as an adult, I felt safe, and protected when I was around him. He always was my soft place to fall. and one of my biggest sources of moral support. Dad was extremely proud of how far I have come in learning how to manage my depression. He told me more than once that I was happier than he had seen me in 20 years.
A week before he died, dad shared with me that he loved the life he had lived. He got to travel more than most people, and he had experiences that most of us only dream about. He was a man who had no need for a bucket list, because he had actually done everything he wanted to do.