Tag Archives: Humor

Things To Know About Atlanta

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A friend of mine sent me an e-mail this morning filled with true, but amusing facts about Atlanta, Georgia. I enjoyed reading it so much that I thought I would share it with y’all. I think those of y’all who live in the Greater Atlanta area will enjoy reading – and probably agree with -these funny facts. The rest of you, should enjoy learning a thing or two about where I live.

 

Atlanta Snow We Gonna Die

 

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.


Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina .


All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House.” except that Cobb County, where all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken.”



Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard


Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.


Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke’s all they drink there so don’t ask for any other soft drink unless it’s made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it’s still called Coke.


The gates at Atlanta ‘s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.


The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm. (Don’t forget the lunch time rush hour!)
Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.


Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is ” pawntz duh LEE-awn.”


And yes, they have a street named simply, “Boulevard.”


The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.


I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”


Don’t believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked “East” and “West” but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the “Inner Loop” and the “Outer Loop .”
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.


Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta . Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.


Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.


There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .


There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.


If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.


If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.


It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy.


“Fixinto” is one word (I’m fixinto go to the store) – also can be pronounced “Fixinta”.


Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2 years old.


“Jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”


“How’s Momma-nem” means: “How’s Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing?”


Something Extra In Her Genes

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This morning I was doing some research about the “designer” breed my dog , Minnie, is. I was told that she was a mix of chihuahua and shih tzu. Officially, the breed is called  Shi/Chi. Well, as I was looking at pictures of other Shi/Chis I ran across a picture that convinces me Minnie has a little something extra in her gene pool.

Can you see the resemblance between Minnie, and the Gremlin named Stripe? Their ears bear a striking resemblance, and there is the fact they both have a white mohawk.

Silly I know, but it made me laugh this morning.

Tex's Terror

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Finding my sense of humor has been a key component to my depression treatment. It has allowed me to enjoy my life more and also has made it easier for me to maintain a positive attitude in the face of difficult circumstances. A significant portion of my amusement comes from laughing at myself, and even laughing at my mental health issues.

Here is a little video I made that makes me chuckle every time I see it. Enjoy!

The Great Escape!

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While we were visiting my parents, my husband bought our dog a new little kennel, thinking she would be more comfortable in it.  It is the cutest little kennel, it actually looks like a little tent.  The other night we all came back to my parents house and Minnie was running around.  We all thought that someone had forgotten to put her in her kennel before we left.  I noticed her kennel was upside down, but I figured that Minnie and one of my mom’s dogs were playing and knocked it over.  After watching her carefully we figured out that she had found a way to get out of her kennel.  I managed to record it with my new Flip.

My Letter From The FBI

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I got an email from the FBI, the Washington DC office, yesterday.  It was all about that supposed Nigerian Bank scam that we have heard so much about.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the FBI taking the time to  contact me,  just to let me know that they have been investigating this Nigerian Bank and it really does have money waiting for me.  Their assurance that this is the real deal certainly puts me at ease.

In my mind the grammar and spelling errors make perfect sense.  In their letter to me, the FBI warns me that this is a secret investigation, they have not even let the local office know about it.  So it is obvious that the errors are nothing more than their super sophisticated code to keep the other FBI branches from finding out what they are doing.  It is hard to imagine that the FBI would trust me with government secrets, but the letter says they are, so it must be true.

Maybe I will donate a portion of my money to the FBI.  They seem to be running short on funds.  They have had to resort to using Gmail, a free mail service, for their email needs.

A copy of this very official and truthful letter can be found below.  I have taken the time to highlight the parts that I think are most important and interesting.

PROGRESSIVE INVESTIGATIONS FROM FBI!!!!
ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
wwwfbidirector.usgov@gmail.com



FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

ATTENTION:

We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

We will find a way to fix a schedule for you to come to our head-quarter in Washington DC to enable us advise you on what to do, but meanwhile you are further advised to be contacting us via email for now because we are having various investigations that we are working on now. Keep everything regarding to your transaction confidential for security reasons and note that we have not informed the local FBI department in your state regarding this matter because we want to keep everything secret until your fund is been transferred to you accordingly. We the FBI have purposely create an email in order for us to contact you personally and our phone codes departments are not aware of this new improvement, so don’t call our service line regarding this email, soon we will provide you with a line you can call for more information about this contract winning funds. For the main time we the Federal Bureau of Investigation Washington DC will be helping you to monitor all the transaction with the CBN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT.

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services with you as well as your correspondence at all level.

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Mr. Tunde Lemo The one in charge of funds transfer in Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr. Tunde Lemo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to
understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard
earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office. We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Janet White from ARIZONA has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million united states dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before the go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which was forwarded to them by the above named Lady so that was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in making the investigations.

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don’t fall victim to this ugly circumstance. And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:

NAME: MR. TUNDE LEMO
OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria, Central Business
District, Cadastral Zone, Abuja,
Federal Capital Territory,
Nigeria.
Email: tundelemoremitttt@gmail.com
NOTE:

In your best interest, any message that doesn’t come from the above official email address and phone numbers should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the Central Bank office immediately with
the above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly. Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures
as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous.

Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to you.All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don’t have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out. Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification,

feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated. Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Best Regards,
Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

The Benefits Of Having A Mental Illness – Mental Health Awareness

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One of the things I had to learn in an effort to manage my Clinical Depression, was to look for the positive in everything. This was so stinking hard in the beginning. It was so outside of my nature that I have had to practice long and hard to see that life does not have to be as serious as I always thought it had to be. With that attitude in mind, I thought I would list thirteen benefits of having a mental illness. If you think of something you would like to see added to the list, put it in the comment section and I will add it.

  1. My life goes according to my schedule most of the time. One of the things that used to stress me out so much was always having to be someplace on time.  Whether it was picking up kids, or getting the grocery shopping done at a decent time, or going on outings, it would all stress me out.  Now that I cannot drive very much because of how sleepy my depression medications make me, someone else is responsible for keeping the schedule  Also because of the sleepiness, I now have a really good reason for why I do not do mornings, and why I need at least one nap a day.
  2. I am much more thankful than I used to be. I have had to learn to rely on other people.  I have had to learn how to say “I need help with something.”  That has made me appreciate the people in my life much more than I used to.
  3. I have a voice! In the past I rarely said what I meant, and meant what I said.  I was always watching what I said, out of fear of angering someone, or offending someone, or even making my needs known above someone else’s.  Now that I have a voice, I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I am direct and honest with people, and I make my needs known.  I offer my opinions and thoughts.  I still try to not offend people, but I do speak my mind.  It is very liberating to just talk and express myself without the constant worry about who might take what I said the wrong way.
  4. I have made personal connections. When Clinical Depression began to rule my life, I lost my friends.  Most of it was due to my behavior.  I was not a very nice person before my recovery process began.  Since I have been doing better and have been putting myself out into the internet world, I have met so many wonderful people.  They know that I have a mental illness and they do not care about that diagnosis one bit.  Those friendships mean a great deal to me.
  5. No. I remember when my daughter was little and she did not want to listen to the word no.  I had a little song I that I would sing, I believe Lunette the Clown from The Big Comfy Couch was the inspiration behind it.  The words were simple and the tune could be anything you wanted.  It went something like this.  “No means no, means no, means no, means no….”  In the past saying the word no was something I struggled with.  Often that meant I would take on more than I could handle, get over-whelmed and stressed out, and then everything would fall apart.  Now when I find that I am struggling with sticking to my no, I start singing my No song and let people know that I cannot take on anymore than I already have on my plate because I have a mental illness and if I were to get overwhelmed I would very likely have a melt down.
  6. The Mail. I know this is going to sound totally insane, but I used to obsess about the mail.  I was convinced that if anyone other than me checked the mail, then there would be something disastrous in the mailbox.  Once I realized that the mail was a huge source of my anxiety, I chose to no longer get the mail from the mailbox.  Not only do I not have the stress of the mail anymore, but my husband is now in charge of the bills.  Being too anxious to check the mail got rid of two sources of stress at the same time.
  7. I have learned to laugh. I used to be so serious all the time.  Not anymore.  I have learned that laughter feels good.  I laugh at myself, I laugh with others, I laugh when I am all by myself.  I laughed when I re-read what I wrote about my mail box anxiety.
  8. My life is simple. I keep things in my life simple now.  No long exaggerated lists of things to do, clothes to wear, or suppers to cook.  Keeping things simple, frees up my time to do other things.
  9. I take risks. I will take chances now that I never would have before.  I always liked everything very predictable. Nothing could spin me out of control faster than things not going according to my plan.  Having a mental illness has taught me that nothing can really be planned.  Once I start planning, then I start worrying, then I become obsessed with worrying and then….you get the picture.  Now, for the most part, my life does not go according to a plan.   I am stepping out my comfort zone and trying new things, like writing.
  10. I have a better perspective. I have learned to not sweat the little stuff.   Because of my depression, I cannot get bogged down by the little things.  It would be too easy for it to trigger a depressed episode.
  11. I am a better person than I used to be. I had my own very negative ideas about what people with mental illnesses were like.  Now I am one of those people and I have come to realize that people with mental illnesses are not anything like I thought they were.
  12. Helping Others. Being willing to talk about my illness helps others.  It lets them know they are not alone with their thoughts and feelings and there are things that can be done to feel better.
  13. I take better care of myself. I value my life and health much more than I used to.  I spend the time and energy necessary to monitor my other illnesses and do the things I am supposed to in order to manage them.

Humor And Mental Health – Mental Health Awareness

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I have never considered myself a funny person. It is hard to be funny when all you see is the negative in everything. When I started feeling better and my thoughts were more clear and positive, I had to teach myself how to find the humor in life. The way I put it one time, was that my funny bone was broken and needed to be fixed.

Eventually, I learned that I do have a sense of humor. It was just a little squashed from not having been used for so long. Once I began using my sense of humor, I found it a great way to diffuse my emotions when I am angry or irritated. It has also been a great tool in taking the seriousness out of a situation, so I do not worry and stress about things as much. The most important thing I discovered about having a sense of humor, is that it is a great way to bond with the people in your life.

Humor and Mental Health

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain and conflict. Nothing works faster to bring your mind back into balance than a good laugh.  Humor lightens your load, inspires hope, connects you to others and keeps you grounded focused and alert.  With its ability to heal and renew us, laughter is a wonderful resource for overcoming problems, enhancing relationships, and supporting both physical and mental health.

More than just a break from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope.  Even in the most difficult times something as simple as a smile can go a long way to making us feel better.

The Link Between Laughter and Mental Health

  • Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You cannot feel anxious, angry or sad if you are laughing.
  • Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
  • Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light.  A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed

2010 Cartoon-A-Thon

This week I discovered what I think is a terrific site.  It is Mental Health Humor by Chato B. Stewart.

For the last three years in May, Mr. Stewart has hosted a Cartoon-A-Thon for Mental Health Awareness Month. This year his theme is Mental Health Heroes. Each day in May, he will highlight a Mental Health Hero by drawing a caricature of them.

Here is just a tiny bit of his story in his own words.

“I started out with my personal hero… ME!  When I look back just 3 years ago, I was lost; had no hope and in the hospital from a suicide attempt.  It was my last call for help. O.K., maybe I called a few other times in the past… As my Med manager says, it was “multiple attempts.”  This time my cries for help were heard by a piece of paper and a dull pencil in the hospital…  The Psych Ward doesn’t let us have sharp pencils.  I guess, they fear, we might poke an eye out or something.  It was there, it all started.  Instead of writing a journal,  I drew cartoons of my mental vacation.  I found focus and balance in drawing. Yes, it was art therapy with cartoons!”


Mental Health Humor
Permission to use by Chato B. Stewart

One of the things I like about Mr. Stewart and his humor is his ability to point out the humorous side of what it is like to live with a mental illness. For me, it takes some of the seriousness out of the situation and allows me to see some of what I have encountered in a less discouraging light. I have posted two of his cartoon creations. I encourage you to visit his site and see his other work.


Mental Health Humor
Permission to use by Chato B. Stewart


Mental Health Humor
Permission to use by Chato B. Stewart

Friday Funnies – Mother's Day

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Funny Mother’s Day jokes to get your weekend started. Enjoy!


Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings


Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be,  as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Things Mom Would Never Say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
  • “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
  • “Let me smell that shirt–Yeah, it is good for another week.”
  • “Go, ahead and keep that stray dog, honey.  I will be happy to feed and walk him every day.”
  • “Well, if Tommy’s mother said it was OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.  It is not like I am running a prison around here”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket–The wind chill is bound to improve.”

DIY, but Mom’s Way

While assembling furniture, my friend Debbie asked her roommate’s five-year-old son to bring her a screwdriver.
“Do you want a ‘Daddy’ screwdriver or a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver?” the little boy asked.
Confused but preoccupied, Debbie absentmindedly said, “Bring me a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver.”
The child came back and handed her a butter knife.

A mother had been getting on to her two little daughters about not picking up their clothes. One afternoon, mom went into their room and she could be heard saying, “Who left all this underwear all over the floor?”  As innocently as an angel, one of the girls replied, “The Panty Fairy came and left us presents”!

The Mom Who Eats Worms

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Most people have at least one irrational fear. Spiders, snakes and dogs seem to be fairly common fears. Gayle at Monkey With Glasses has a fear of getting lost. As for me, I have an irrational fear of earthworms.

I always thought that my fear of worms was just a personal quirk of mine. After all, it does seem a little silly to be afraid of an earthworm. They are harmless creatures that help our gardens grow, and are really helpful in a composter. Yet, I am terrified of them. I felt alone, living in a world full of earthworm loving people.

I am not sure why I did it, but the other day I went to my favorite search engine and put in the words “fear of earthworms”. Guess what I found? There is an actual name for it…Scoleciphobia. I am so excited to know that there are tons of people who are afraid of earthworms. I am not the only person who has an irrational fear of these harmless creatures. I am not alone in my weirdness!

Over the years, I have put on a brave front when it came to my fear of earthworms. Especially in front of my children. I did not want them to know their mother was afraid of worms. As impressionable as young children are, I did not want to take a chance of passing my fear on to them. Also, let’s face it, they are my children. If they had found out, they would have thrown worms on me.

The lengths I would go to in order to keep my earthworm fear a secret surprises me at times. One incident in particular sticks out in my mind.

My son and I had moved into a small house. For us, it was a welcomed move after living in apartments in not so safe neighborhoods for a few years. Even though we were renting, I decided to plant some flowers in front of the house. My son was out there with me as I was digging holes for the plants. While I was digging, he and I discovered an earthworm. My plan was to ignore it and the hole until it went away. My son had a different plan.

His plan was to pick the earthworm up and show it to me. He really wanted me to examine it. I really wanted to run away screaming. Instead, what I ended up doing would come back to haunt me. I told my son that I wanted him to put the worm back on the ground so it would not die. The reason I gave him was that it needed to get bigger. It needed to be much fatter before I could eat it. You read that right, I told him that I ate worms just to make him get the worm away from me.

Not very long after this, my son traveled to China, where my parents were living, with one of my mother’s friends and her grandson. My mother was very good about sending me pictures and videos of my son so I could see what he was doing there.

On one particular video tape you can tell that it had rained recently. My son and the boy he traveled to China with were jumping in puddles and talking. They both stop to examine something that they saw on the ground. It turns out to be a rather large earthworm. After the boys examined the earthworm for a minute or two I hear my son say, “Don’t kill it. My mom eats worms!”

Just when I thought he had forgotten all about that, it showed up right there on the video tape. There is no telling how many people have watched that video over the years. I am sure at least a few of them are referring to me as “The Mom Who Eats Worms”