Monthly Archives: October 2010

A WARNING

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When you start treatment for depression, there is a vital piece of information I think many counselors are hesitant to share. It is more of a warning than just simply information. It should be given to you on a piece of paper, written in big red letters. Something like this:

I am sure there is a good reason why more counselors do not share this warning with their patients. Most likely it has to do with not scaring us away.

Many marriages end when one spouse enters mental health treatment and the other does not. Usually, the marriages are not healthy to begin with and as one person becomes more emotionally healthy it adds pressure and stress to the marriage. I think it has this effect because even bad habits and unhealthy relationships can become comfortable. When we change how we think, feel, and react to things, we are inadvertently pushing our spouses’ comfort zones. When we are in treatment, we make conscious decisions to push our own levels of comfort so that we can become healthier. It is difficult for us to do when we are doing it on purpose. I imagine it must be very difficult for our marriage partners when they feel that their comfort zones are being pushed by our changes, when they did not seek out or express a desire to have their comfort zones pushed.

The best way for me to describe how they must feel when they are confronted by our changes and the discomfort it causes them, is to use myself as an example. Most of us with a mental health issue/mental illness have had our comfort zones invaded by other people or situations. In my case, when that happened, I experienced a great deal of anxiety, worry, and sometimes even anger because it felt like I was being emotionally violated. My guess is that is often how our spouses feel when our efforts to become emotionally healthy directly challenge what they have become comfortable with.

In the face of such stress and pressure, I know it would seem easier for us to fall back into those old – but comfortable – patterns of behavior. On the surface it would seem like a good solution for a shaky marriage. However, I think that once we have even gotten the smallest taste of what it feels like to be more emotionally healthy, it would be hard for us to “settle” for anything that would compromise that. It could in fact cause us to have a huge set back in maintaining our own mental health.

When we get married we make choices to settle for certain types of behavior from ourselves and our spouses. I would like to think that even in healthy marriages there is some type of settling – maybe compromising is a better word – for certain behaviors. We choose to overlook bad behavior in ourselves and our partners for the sake of having a perceived peace in the marriage. Sometimes we make the choice to overlook things because it is easier than feeling like we are battling our loved one all the time. Whatever the reason, it usually sets up a pattern of unhealthy behavior from both people.

There comes a time in our treatment process where we begin to understand that maintaining our own mental health is important. Vitally important. We know that if we do not maintain good mental health, we are also compromising our physical health. Understanding this makes us feel compelled to do what we can to get and stay emotionally healthy. That means we have to make choices about how to achieve and maintain that emotional stability. Just like in any other situation where we can make choices, there are going to be consequences. It is up to us to decide what consequences we are willing to live with.

If we choose to go for the option of being as emotionally healthy as we can be, then one of our consequences could be that our marriage might end. Rising to the challenge of meeting us where we are in attempting to be in a healthier mental state, might be more than our spouses are capable of doing. This does not mean they are a bad or an uncaring person. It just means that they may not have the tools and/or lack the desire to work toward the same goal we are. As difficult as it is to come to terms with that possible consequence, I believe that it is something that most of us in mental health/mental illness treatment must face if we are determined to be healthier.

Even with believing all of that, and encountering the struggles in my marriage that I have, I also believe that there are times when our spouses can have an epiphany and realize that change can be a good thing. Part of the way they can achieve that epiphany is through our choices to no longer tolerate certain unhealthy behaviors. Taking a stand on certain things will add to any friction and stress going on at the time. However, I believe that if we can do it and be consistent about it, and not be any harsher than the situation calls for, then there is a significant possibility that our spouses will eventually reach a point where they desire the same change that we do.

No matter which way everything plays out, we will be more emotionally and mentally healthy. That is what I hold on to. That is what gives me hope in the face of my current marriage struggles. The knowledge that as difficult as things seem right now, there is hope and health in whatever consequence I may end up with.

A Good Week

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I really like how this week has gone, for the most part. There have been a few challenges, my internet service being sort of spotty has been one of them. I think I have handled most of the challenges this week with a decent attitude. Not perfect, but certainly not close to the mental melt down I probably would have had in the past given the same set of circumstances.

I think the high light of my week was my group therapy. My counselor heads up the group, and has respected our wishes to keep it women only. I believe it makes us all feel more comfortable with sharing what is going on with us. This week when we had group, it felt more like a group of women chatting about our lives than a mental health therapy session. I liked that. I liked it because it felt so normal.

One of the other big things that happened this week was that I actually went over to someone’s house. It was remarkable because I have not done that in years. The lady that lives across the road from me, and also is in my group therapy let me come over and use her internet connection. I met her roommate and a friend of theirs. It was good for me. I did not feel nervous, or as if I did not belong there.

Things went well with my psychiatrist too. I have not had any problems with the Zoloft, and we decided to keep gradually increasing the dose until I am taking a 200 mg dose. From what the psychiatrist says, that is still a low dose for Zoloft. She also said she did not believe that it would cause the same problems that Effexor did. She told me that it was an older drug in the SSRI class of medications and in her experience, it did not usually cause problems with blood sugar and blood pressure.

One benefit to taking the Zoloft that I had not counted on is I seem to one of the 11% of people whose appetite is drastically reduced by it. That is a huge change from the Effexor. No more late night hunger, and I eat about half to slightly less than half when I sit down and have a meal. I had already lost some weight from being able to be more active, having less of an appetite should help me with some weight loss goals I have.

The one really yucky thing that occurred this week, is that it appears another MRSA infection has popped up. The first one I had was under my left breast, sort at the spot where you would put a heart monitor lead. This one has shown up on the side of my left breast. This one is a bit different than the first one. The first one had to be lanced to allow the infection to come out, and I had to take antibiotics. This one seems to have decided to drain on its own. It looks even uglier than the first one did. I am going to watch it over the next few days. If it looks worse or does not start looking better then I will see a doctor and get some more oral antibiotics. My hope is that since it began draining on its own, that the infection will come out without me having to take antibiotics again. It is painful, but at least it is not as painful as the first one was.

Jia's Strategy

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I do not know about ya’ll, but I have really enjoyed reading everything Jia has shared with us this week. It is amazing to think, there have been two fellow bloggers in a row that I have so much in common with. It makes me feel less alone.

Today Jia of Color Me UnTypical is sharing her “bad day” strategies with us.

To account for my bad days, I do as much as I can on my good days. I do as much housework as I can on my good days and do what I can to get by when I’m not feeling so good. I’d rather say, “I accomplished loading the dishwasher!” Instead of, “I thought about cleaning the house and then got completely overwhelmed because there’s a todo list of about a thousand different things and I don’t have time for any of them.”

I make simple meals ahead of time and freeze them. That way if I’m not up to putting together a lunch for my husband, there’s one already made. I also freeze almost all of my fresh bought veggies because sometimes I’ll hit a slump where I won’t cook for a few days and then everything goes bad. I’d rather have it frozen than growing moldy in the fridge.

If my husband and I are out in public and I feel a panic attack coming on, we have a secret phrase that I use that lets him know that I need to get out of there. That’s usually his cue to politely excuse us from whatever situation we’re in, without bringing attention to me.

I also keep music that helps me deal with things on my phone. I know I always have my phone, so if something happens and I need to quickly distract myself, I can pull out my phone and listen to some music. No one really pays attention to the person with headphones on, but they do look at the girl who’s counting ceiling tiles and scratching her fingers raw cause she’s having a panic attack.

Another trick I’ve learned is to keep a journal. Not a regular journal, just something to dump my thoughts into. Every morning when I wake up, I open my journal and just let words flow. If I don’t have anything on my mind, I just write down thoughts and words as they appear. Most of it doesn’t even make sense, but it’s almost a way to reboot my brain. Empty out the garbage so I can start my day off with a clean slate.

Choices and Compromise

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The driving to Augusta Saga continues. I was correct in my assessment that even though my husband seemed to be okay with it, he was not. Early yesterday morning the friction raised a notch and we had words with each other about it. The end result was that I allowed myself to become upset and rather down for the rest of the day.

Interestingly enough, a compromise to the situation came up later on in the day. My mother called to tell me that my father was concerned about me driving the truck through down town Atlanta. It is a big truck with a camper on the back. He had no worries about me making the drive, except for taking a vehicle that size through a heavy traffic area. I think he suspected that was the part I was nervous about. He had suggested to my mother that he drive up here and he would drive the truck to Augusta. I pointed out that meant he would have to leave his car here to do that. I said something to mom about Dad driving the truck and I drive the car to Augusta. She thought that was a good compromise. I let her know that if Dad called then I would accept his offer, and counter with my compromise.

I was not sure if my father would actually call. My mother had told him why it was important to me to make the drive, so I was thinking he might have decided to leave things alone. While I was waiting to see if he would call, I asked my husband if he would feel better about me making the drive, if I drove my father’s car rather than the truck. He said he would feel much better. I called mom after that conversation and let her know that I would like it if dad would do as he suggested, with my compromise. Shortly after that dad called and we worked everything out. Instead of leaving today, we will leave Sunday.

The result of all of this is I still get to do something that is very important to me -because of the independence it represents – and my husband is more comfortable with my decision. I also learned something as well. My choices do not have to be all or nothing and that compromise does not have to mean a sacrifice of self.

Jia Shares

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Today Jia of Color Me Untypical shares with us a post she had written previously on her blog. Rather than put her reasons why she is exceptionally proud of her post and what it represents in my words, I am going to show you exactly what she said to me about what she had written. Jia wrote:

“I’m proud of this post for a very strange reason.

About a week previous to this one, I had a very big accomplishment in dealing with agoraphobia and OCD, but this one, this one shows a break. And the breaks are real. They can’t and shouldn’t be ignored. This break shows me that I survived a very dark day.

The good days are easy to write about. They make us feel normal. It’s the bad days where we have to dig deep to find the courage, the healing, and the motivation to keep going.”

Keeping Me Down

Babysteps.

One out the front door.
One down the street.
One step to overcome fear.
One step to fight anxiety.
One step to say no to depression.
One step, straight into a wall built by OCD . . .
Depression returns, anxiety controls and fear swallows me whole.

I try to be lighthearted. I try to find the silver lining.
I try to let humor, and not anger, control my thoughts.

But when it comes down to it, I hate OCD.
It lies to me. But it’s so convincing.

OCD tells me that there is a great big red wall that I cannot climb.
There is no wall there.
But OCD lies so well that I can actually see it. Touch it. Feel it.

Other people walk into a garden and they see a poisonous snake.
They feel fear. They feel anger. They want to attack.
They want to run away.

OCD tells me that walking into a disorganized situation is poisonous.
It makes me fear. It makes me angry. It makes me want to attack.
It makes me want to run away.

It’s as real to me as any physical predator

Last week I learned to crawl.

This week I tried to run.

Skipped a very important step along the way.

I fell.

I fell hard.

Bruised and broken, but not dead.

The last time I fell, I was sure I was gone forever.
There was no coming back.
But now I know the signs.
I ran away from the fire of a bad situation fast.
Not fast enough to escape without burns and scars.
But fast enough to live.

Sometimes I wish these mental handicaps were physical.
Then people might see me, and understand.

Understand that when you fall, your brain tells you that you’re in pain.
Mine tells me that I am worthless, useless, broken …
And it hurts.
Even if most of the time I don’t agree.
It still hurts.

Yesterday, my body started failing me. Legs giving out. Knees buckling. Feet . . . . felt broken.
My body gave out hours after the rest of me did.
The physical pain came much later than the mental pain. The emotional pain. The fear. The anger. The confusion.

Someone kindly said, “I hope you’re knee heals soon.”
Assuming that I was injured.
I smiled. Kind words from a stranger.
A stranger who had no idea the severity of my wounds.
That I had stopped feeling the pain in my knee long ago.

“Get over it.”
“Count your blessings.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

These are just words.
You don’t understand.

And because you don’t understand, it’s so hard to explain.
I wish it was as easy as having the willpower.
I wish I was normal.

I wish I wasn’t broken.

I wish I could be like everyone else.
But with red hair.

Thank God for a husband who may not understand, but tries.
A man who loves me despite my battle scars.
Who sticks by me through this constant war.
A man who painfully, regretfully, suffers with me.

Thank God for friends who know.
Friends who live it with me.
Friends who have crumbled, shattered and survived.

Who know that symptoms can come and go.
Friends who speak OCD.
Who speak depression.
Who understand mental metaphors.
Who understand my language.

I am NOT alone.

I will heal again.
I will.

You can find Jia’s original post at Color Me UnTypical – Keeping Me Down

Controlling and Challenging Changes

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I love my husband very much, but sometimes being his wife is very difficult. As I have gotten more emotionally healthy, it seems that there are times of great friction in our marriage. I think it is because I am changing and the changes are not always comfortable to him. My changes mean he might have to change to keep up with me. There have been many times through this healing process that I have wondered if our marriage would disintegrate  or if we would come out of this with a healthier marriage.

When my depression was out of control and I could barely function, he had to be controlling. He had to encourage me to eat, take care of our child, get me to take care of myself and so on. To some degree, he still exhibits that controlling behavior. To a great degree, I really resent it.  I am not sure why he is still doing it, but I have a few theories.

It is possible that it has become such a habit for him that he is not totally aware of when he is doing it. Another thought I had, is that he is afraid that if he loses that control over me then I might have a break down, or that I might not need him anymore. The pay off is better for him if I remain – to some degree – emotionally unhealthy, because then he will not have to work to catch up to me. I think it is possible that all of those theories together might be accurate.

As much as I may resent his controlling behavior, I am still making choices to put up with it. There was a pay off for me in accepting it. My life was easier, I had few responsibilities, and I was not often put in the position of having to make difficult decisions very often. However, I feel as if I have finally become a “grown up” and I no longer want someone else controlling every aspect of my life. It has become time for me to act like the “grown up” I am and take back control of my life.
This week, I have made some decisions that not only are challenging to me, but they also directly challenging my husband and his need to control me. It has caused some extra stress and friction in our marriage. My hope is that once we get through this period of friction that he will see that I am capable of making decisions for myself and let go of some of his attempt at control.

The big choice I have made this week, is to make the 4 hour drive to Augusta – to see my parents – without him. This is huge, because before depression treatment, I had become agoraphobic. Unless, I was going to see my lung doctor, I would not leave a certain square mile radius around my home. I considered it my safety zone. Since my suicide attempt, I have not driven much at all. Mostly in areas in my small town. Some of that was due to medications side affects, as well as how my physical health made me feel. It was probably not safe for me to be on the roads with all of that going on. Now that my physical health is improving, and I am on less psychiatric medication, I feel comfortable driving further distances.

I have several reasons for wanting to make this drive. The first and main one is to prove to myself that I can do it. I see it as a huge step towards independence for myself. Another reason I want to do this is so that I have transportation when I get to Augusta, which means a little more freedom for me. It also saves my mom from having to drive all the way up here to get me, and then have to turn around and drive back to her house. My mother is having some minor surgery on November 3rd and I really want to be there to help her in any way she might need. She has spent a lot of this last year taking care of me, and doing things for me, and I see this as an opportunity to do the same for her. The final reason I want to drive there is to make things easier for my dad. The truck I drive belongs to him. He mentioned to me the last time he was up here, that in a couple of weeks he would trade vehicles with me – letting me drive his car – so that he could get some work done on the truck. My dad is a very busy man, there are times when it is difficult for him to make the 4 hour drive up here. If I drive the truck down to where he lives, then it saves him from having to come all the way up here just to pick it up. I am grateful that he allows me the use of his vehicle and if it is in my power to make his life a little easier by taking the truck to him, then that is what I need – should – do.

At the beginning of the week, I told my husband about my plans to drive to Augusta. I also told him that either I or my daughter would call him every hour so that he would know that we were safe. He did not say much at the time. I assumed that since he did not say much that he was okay with it. I was wrong. The evening after I told him, he let me know what a bad idea he thought it was. He even went so far as to say, that I “would make everyone worry”.  I responded with “I cannot make anyone worry, that is their choice.” Logically, I know that his statement was nothing more than a tactic to try and make me feel guilty and not make the drive. Personally, I also saw it as a bullying tactic. He knows I care about my family – parents included – and that by telling me it would make everyone worry was his way to strong arm me into doing what he wanted. I told him he was being a bully and that I would not discuss the subject with him until he could talk to me appropriately. There was a stony silence the rest of the night.

It took a couple of days, but he has finally begun to talk about the drive in the appropriate way. He is no longer trying to bully me into not doing it. He has been asking the proper questions about how long I will stay and etc. He has even discussed with me how long I think I will take me to make the drive. His attitude change has taken some stress out of the situation. I am hoping and praying that it lasts.

In no way do I think that his change of attitude about this one thing, means that he has changed his controlling behavior completely. However, I think by making a stand about something that was important to me has given him a wake up call that I am no longer willing to be lead around. I love him dearly, he has stuck by me when a lot of husband would not, but for my own mental health I need for him to let go of the controlling behavior. At this time, his willingness or unwillingness has become something of a deal break or maker for our marriage.

Jia's Inspiration

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I love today’s post from Jia of Color Me UnTypical. She is heart felt and honest in sharing with us about where she draws her inspiration from.

Sources for Inspiration:

I find my best inspiration is in music and faith.

I am a very religious person and reading scriptures helps bring peace to my constantly working mind. It’s nice to concentrate on something that’s not dark and dreary. It’s good to read the promises of God, that He is always there for me.

Music inspiration I get from artists like Cherie Call, Kenneth Cope, Hillary Weeks and Jenny Jordan Frogley.

Cherie Call’s song, “Somebody Else’s Shoes” is one of the things that motivated me to take a step and begin living my own life (mentall illness included) instead of trying to be perfect for everyone else.

Because it’s so difficult explaining OCD to someone who doesn’t understand it, I usually refer to myself as, “Broken.” Because that’s how I’ve always felt. Broken. Damaged. Beyond repair. But then I heard the song, “Broken” by Kenneth Cope and it gave me such perspective on the word. The song talks about how broken clouds give rain, broken soil grows grain, broken bread feeds man, broken storms yeild light.. etc. There is a line in the song that really hits home for me and it says, “This broken soul that cries for mending. This broken heart for offering. I’m convinced that God loves broken me. Praise His name, my God loves broken things.”

I listen to that song almost daily as a reminder that being broken is not always a bad thing. Broken my gives a chance for others to maybe witness a healing miracle. Broken me will be able to tell others that being broken does not mean you are useless, or worthless. Broken is still beautiful.

Jia 's Resources

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Today Jia of Color Me UnTypical shares with us some of her mental health resources.

My list of Mental Health resources:

Bloggers:

I have three main bloggers that I read to help when I am having a high trigger day.

– Depressions and Confessions (http://depressionsandconfessions.com)
– Moosh in Indy (http://mooshinindy.com)
– Surviving Limbo (http://survivinglimbo.wordpress.com)

Books/Programs:

– Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
– Panic Away (I give credit to this program to helping me overcome a lot of my agoraphobia and panic attacks that come when being out of the house on my own.)

TV/Movies:

For some reason, it is very theraputic to watch others on television experience similar things I go through in real life. While I know it may be hard for some, I find it’s like watching television in a language that I speak.

– Monk
– Aviator
– What About Bob?

– Obsessed
– Hoarders
– The OCD Project

Mental Health Blogger Of The Week – Jia

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I would like to introduce this week’s Mental Health Blogger Of The Week. Jia of Color Me UnTypical. Rather than tell you about Jia, and I am going to let her tell you about herself, with her answers to the questions I asked her. I found what she shared to be very inspiring, I am sure you will as well.

I would like to apologize for not having this posted on Monday – like I was supposed to – I have had some internet difficulties that have gotten in the way of a few things.

1. What type of mental illness/es do you have?

— I have general anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression and mild agoraphobia. It’s a very bitter cocktail. I’d much rather have a virgin margarita.

2. When were you first diagnosed with your mental illness?

— I remember being fifteen and diagnosed with depression. But going through old paperwork that my family kept, I found documents from doctors that I visited with when I was very young (after the death of my mother, around 2 years old) where they talk about certain compulsions and other issues I was going through as a result of my mothers death.

I discovered I had OCD when I was around twenty-two years old. Another young member of my family was diagnosed with OCD and we, as a family, decided to research in order to help her. In the process many of us found out that we ourselves had OCD as well, though we vary in types.

The anxiety and agoraphobia are the most recent.

3. In what ways, if any, do you believe your life has changed since your diagnosis?

— Battling depression has been on and off and it feels like a storm that comes and goes. Sometimes it stays longer, sometimes it’s very quick but either way I can’t play outside when it’s around.

The OCD has changed my life the most because unlike the clouds of depression, OCD is hard for me to distinguish sometimes. It’s a voice in my head that’s in a constant state of “What if?” My conscious self says, “I know the chances of me getting killed by a red car are slim.” But my OCD says, “But what if?” So the conscious me has to decide if it’s worth it to just avoid red cars all together. And my OCD agrees that yes, yes it is. That is the very basic of how my OCD works. It’s all about what feels right. What feels correct and safe. Everything from words spoken, to actions taken. It effects me the most.

4. What are some positive things you have learned about yourself since your diagnosis?

— I’ve learned how strong my marriage is. My husband has put up with a lot in regards to my illness. But he supports me. All of me. And sometimes dealing with mental illness has caused a lot of strain on our marriage and our lives all together. Especially when we weren’t sure what we were dealing with. But it’s amazing to see everything we’ve overcome together.

5. At the present time, what do you believe is your biggest stumbling block?

— The frustration that comes with having a mental illness. It’s very difficult to look yourself in the mirror and say, “You have an illness. A disability. Limitations. You need to remember you can only do so much.” When these are mental limitations and not physical. If I were in a wheelchair, I wouldn’t get a job working as a window washer on skyscrapers. But yet often times I overlook my mental disabilities and put myself in situations that cause immediate triggers, anxiety and panic attacks.

6. For you personally, what do you consider a life lived well?

— A life free of fear. It’s one thing to worry about a family member if they are sick and in a hospital. It’s one thing to be afraid for your life if you’re being chased by a rabid dog. But when you think about family gatherings, potential future scenarios or even whether or not you locked the door, your body shouldn’t kick in to adrenaline overdrive. I don’t think people realise how physically exhausting it is to have anxiety disorders. They think it’s all in the head, but really, it triggers hormones and glands all over the body. Coming out of a panic attack feels like finishing a marathon. A life lived well would be one where I have energy and am not constantly tired. No fear. No regrets.

7. Do you have any children? If so, what if anything do you plan to say to them about your disorder? If you do not have any children, do you plan on having any someday? Do you think your mental health issue will or will not impact your decision to have children?

— We do not have children. It’s been suggested that poor health is impacting our fertility. Despite my desire to get healthier, my mental illness prevents me from fully engaging in a proper health program. One example: agoraphobia limits where I can work out.

8. If given the opportunity, what is something you would like to say to someone who has been recently diagnosed with the same type of mental illness that you have?

— You are not alone. Just because your family, friends, co-workers don’t understand exactly what you’re going through doesn’t mean that what you’re feeling isn’t real. I pushed off my feelings for a very long time and just tried to “push through” and in the end I was much worse for it. I tried to act normal because it was easier than trying to get people to understand what I was going through. And it only made things worse for me.

9. When deciding who you would like to have as a part of your support system, what things do you look for?

— My support system consists of people who understand the language of OCD, depression and anxiety. A common obsession when you have OCD is that you often get images of scary things. Images of hurting yourself or others. You do not want to do these things. But it’s almost like OCD is saying, “This is what it would look like if you did.” It’s very scary and hard to overcome. When I talk about it to people who understand the language, they know how to react. Whereas if you talk about that to people who don’t understand, they will immediately assume that you want to hurt yourself and other people.

It would be like getting two different types of treatments for the same disease. One treatment can help heal, while the other will only make things worse. I need people around me who understand my disease.

10. Something personal you might want to share about your journey through life with mental illness.

— It’s not all bad. There are days, weeks and even months when I’ve found myself crawling into my bedroom closet just to hide from everything else that’s out there. I’ve had those kind of breakdowns. I’ve had nights where I’ve called help lines or looked at local clinics, just in case.

But I’ve had good days. I’ve had days where I can laugh about my smaller compulsions. I can joke with my sisters who both have OCD. I tell them that I wish I had their type of OCD because I’d rather be a germaphobe and have a clean house than an obsessor and think about a clean house.

Laughter gets me through my days.

11. Are there any doors that have been opened to you as a result of you having a mental illness?

— People. I’ve met the most amazing people because of mental illness. People who also suffer and understand me. If I didn’t have my mental illnesses, I wouldn’t know what they have gone through, and wouldn’t feel that connection to them.

12. Do you believe that there is a stigma associated with people who have a mental illness? If so, what do you think can be done to help eliminate it?

— Absolutely. People think that if you have a mental illness you can either just get over it, think positive, pray harder or take a pill and it will magically go away. That’s not how it works. Because of my mental illness, I can’t work outside of the house. This is something I have had a hard time coming to terms with. Many embarassing moments in the workforce that could have been avoided if I listened to my mind and body at how I was reacting to things.

It’s difficult talking to people about that because they assume that I can just get over it. Or if I needed the money badly enough, my mental illnesses would just go away. I’ve heard many times, “I know you have OCD, but just think about how better your life would be if you had more money.” It’s like telling someone who was missing a leg, “I know you’re missing a leg, but think about how much you could do if you just got over it and tried to run.”

Just because something seems easy to the rest of the world, doesn’t mean that it’s easy for those of us with mental illnesses.

13. What prompted you to begin blogging about your mental health issue?

— I was at my worst in February of this last year. After a scary experience at a job, I had a breakdown and lost control. My OCD took over and I could not face the world. I became nearly completely agoraphobic, only going outside when in the company of my husband and not for very long periods of time. I shut out friends and family completely. In trying to explain what happened, I realised that no one would understand everything.

I realised that I was someone different with everyone around me. I was putting on different shoes anytime I left the house. I had my friends shoes. My Church shoes. My family shoes. My inlaws shoes (the shoes that never accidentally drop an f-bomb). And so on. I was trying to be whoever everyone else needed me to be. But I wasn’t perfect. I was broken. And now my break was so bad that I couldn’t fake anything anymore.

So I stopped faking everything. I let everything out. I wrote all the crazy out of me, onto my blog and said I was done being anything that wasn’t me. Has it caused problems? Certainly. People get offended on occasion. But I’ve realised that that is their issue and not mine. It’s one less thing I have to worry about.

I felt an obligation to blog about mentall illness. If people don’t read and hear about what it’s like, then stigmas will remain in place and no one will be able to heal.

My Depression And Diabetes Cycle

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Asking me which came first, my depression or my diabetes, is kind of like asking that age old question about the chicken and the egg. I think in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter which came first. All that really matters is that I have both. What I find true for me is that both illnesses seem to feed off of each other. When my blood glucose levels are out of control, the physical effects make me feel depressed, and when I feel depressed I have a hard time managing my diabetes. On the flip side, treating my depression can – and has – made my diabetes worse, and managing my diabetes is sometimes a depressing process.

Before I began treatment for my depression, I was not managing my diabetes like I was supposed to. A lot of the time, I was not bothering to check my blood glucose levels and would inject myself with an arbitrary amount of insulin. Anyone with diabetes knows what kind of trouble trouble this can lead to. Blood glucose levels bottoming out. More than once I found myself in an intensive care bed because of doing this. When I was not injecting myself with too much insulin, I was not bothering to inject myself at all. It was rare that my blood glucose levels were where they were supposed to be. Due to my mismanagement, they were either way too high or way too low. I believe how these extremes made me feel physically added to my mental health decline.

After I began depression treatment – and I mentally started feeling better – I was no longer so carefree about checking my blood glucose levels. I tested myself four to six times a day, and strictly followed my insulin dosing directions. I was feeling better all the way around. Then I had an asthma flare that resulted in me being admitted to the hospital and placed on IV steroids. All those steroids sent my blood glucose levels soaring. The doctor treating me in the hospital became very concerned about the levels and gave the nurses instructions to give me insulin injections every four hours. When I was released from the hospital, I had to continue the every four hour injection schedule until I was no longer taking oral steroids. Even at night there was no relief from this schedule. It did not take long for all these extra injections to begin to get to me. I felt the return of some of my depression symptoms.

With the return of some of my depression symptoms, my diabetes management was affected. I actually went through a stage of rebellion. I made choices to not see the doctor who was treating me for my diabetes, and did not schedule the blood work that he had ordered. I wish now that I had not allowed my depression symptoms to affect my diabetes management. In some ways, I paid a heavy price for my period of rebellion.

Many depression medications have the potential to raise blood glucose levels. This happens because antidepressants can inhibit the production of insulin in a person’s body. This can lead to a Type II Diabetes diagnosis for some people, or make it difficult or impossible for many diabetics to properly manage their diabetes. Another reason this happens is that many anti-depressants cause intense feelings of hunger – especially for carbohydrates – leading to weight gain. This weight gain can increase a person’s risk for developing Type II Diabetes and it can also hinder proper management of diabetes.

My poor choices to not see my medical doctor – and to not have the blood work I was supposed to –  left my doctors in the dark about how the depression medications were affecting me physically. They had no idea how bad my blood glucose levels were getting, and I was not going to tell them. All I cared about at the time, was being able to keep taking the antidepressant that had worked so well on my brain. The nurse – that was supposed to monitor things like this – left the mental health treatment center I go to, making it very easy to continue hiding what was going on.

All of my poor decisions caught up to me on the day that I fainted and woke up with my face firmly planted on asphalt. The day after that happened, I had to go to the mental health treatment center. My face looked bad and caught the attention of the new nurse. After a quick exam – in which she discovered that my blood glucose was over 400 – she made me go to the emergency room. When I arrived there I was treated with IV insulin and also for dehydration. The doctor told me that the dehydration had probably been caused by the massive sweating my anti-depressant caused as well as from my extremely high blood glucose levels. That trip to the emergency room was a wake up call for me. I realized that no matter how much I wanted to continue taking the depression medication that had worked so well, I could not any longer.

I got my blood work done, saw my medical doctor, and made my psychiatrist aware of what was happening to me physically. My psychiatrist had me discontinue the antidepressant that was causing the high glucose readings, and we are now in the process of finding a new one. Since discontinuing that medication I have felt better than I have in a long time. It is a shame that it took a face plant to jump start me into action.

This whole process has served as a stark reminder that my mental health is directly affected by my physical health and that my physical health is affected by my mental health. If there is a lesson that can be learned from my experience, it is that ignoring one aspect of your health for the sake of another can be detrimental to all aspects of your health.