Monthly Archives: June 2010

What Would You Tell Your 21 Year Old Self

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At twenty-one I was a single parent to a one year old boy, lived with my parents, and was going to college.  Parts of my life were difficult but not really hard.  At that time, I thought I had been through the worst of what I would encounter in life, and everything from that point on would be gravy.  I was wrong.

My life from the time I was twenty-one has not always been pleasant, some of it was because of the choices I made, some from choices others made for me, and some was a combination of the two. There have been times in my life when I wished I could go back and do things differently, but not anymore. The past is the past and there is not a thing I can do about it.

However, if I could offer my 21 year old self some advice, there are a few things I would like to say to my younger self.

  • Never settle.  I know it is tempting, but never settle.  It is easier in the short term, but it always makes things harder in the long run.
  • See a counselor, you went through something traumatic when your husband left, and you need some help moving past it.
  • Listen to your gut.  If it is telling you that the person you are with might be an abuser, listen and then run.
  • You are a precious and wonderful person and never let anyone tell you differently.
  • Be kind to yourself, and love yourself.

If you had the opportunity, what would you say to your 21 year old self?

Time Management/Organization Update

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My time management and organization is going much better. In the last two weeks I only had to call my counselor’s office once to find out when I had an appointment. I had lost the card and could not remember the information to put on the sticky note on my computer screen. I experienced less stress because of that. I was not worried about making sure I called in time so I did not miss my session.

My time management skills were really put to the test this last week. I had several freelance writing assignments and I had to turn them in by a specific deadline. That meant I had to manage my time well and prioritize my activities, so I had plenty of time to get my work done.

I remembered to purchase my little reminder notes notebook. Actually, my daughter helped me to remember, but the point is I did finally get it.

My time management goal for this week is to once again get several blog posts scheduled to post automatically, so if I get busy again, I still have something going out.

Thankful Five

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It is time for Thankful Five again. Doing this every week has become one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel so good finding things to be Thankful for.  It has proven to be a great form of therapy for me when my days are not going quite as well as I would like for them to.

  • I am so thankful for the unexpected freelance writing work that was given to me.
  • I am thankful for the wonderful time I had with my husband and daughter Saturday
  • I am thankful for the people who leave comments on my blog, they make me feel special.
  • I am thankful my grandmother let me stay at her house when my well pump was broken.
  • I am thankful water!!!!

What are you thankful for?  I would love to hear about it.

Outing and Weird Mommy Moment

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Outing

I had a fun day out with my husband and daughter on Saturday. That was the first time in a long time that I have enjoyed being away from the house for that long. We rambled around doing nothing in particular, just goofing off. It was not my first choice of what I wanted to do, I wanted to be at home working on my blog, catching up on blog reading and writing. However, something dawned on me last week. My husband was feeling like I was ignoring him because I had gone out all day with my mom a couple of Saturdays ago, and while he was out of town this week I went out with my grandmother and daughter. I think he felt that if I could force myself out of the house for those people, then I should be able to force myself out of the house for him. In a way, I think he was correct. Just because I do not want to go somewhere does not mean that I should not. I felt as if I needed to compromise more, but also make it clear that there would be some days that I would not go places. I also needed to set some boundaries up if we were to go places together more often. I prefer only one or two destinations in a day out. Much more than that and I get a little nutty. Also with it being as hot as it is, my feet swell up and quite frankly they hurt pretty bad when they do. I think my compromising today allowed my boundary setting with him to have more impact, because he could see I was willing to compromise on some things. In fact, he got a phone call after we got home from picking up some medications for me, and he had to run out again. Because of my boundary setting he knew that I was done with running around today. So when he left, there was none of the usual him begging me to go with him and etc., he just told me he loved me and would be back in a little bit. Which meant a whole lot less stress for me.

This further emphasizes the error of my ways. I have been demanding that my boundaries be met, without taking into consideration what other people’s needs and wants might be. This is not to say that I should not set boundaries, it just proves to me that I need to be more considerate of other people at the same time I am looking out for myself.

Weird Mommy Moment

This is a picture of my daughter…..


She is a very intelligent, and in my opinion, pretty young lady. It did not dawn on me until this evening that she is at an age that other people might find her attractive as well. Namely….TEENAGE BOYS!!!

We were eating at BoJangles this evening, and some how our order got messed up.  A young man who worked there was asked to bring us the items that were left out of what we had ordered.  He came to our table and would not leave…he stayed there and kept talking to my husband and daughter, especially my daughter.  I realized that he was trying to flirt with her, however, it totally went over my head that she thought he was cute, until after he left our table….finally.  I said something to my daughter like “That boy is weird”.  She got all red in the face and said she thought he was pretty funny.  It is hard for me to picture my daughter who I still think of like this…


as being old enough to think boys are cute. I have made the decision to buy myself a rather powerful cattle prod so I can use it on any boy that attempts to even look at her when I am around. That should take care of anyone wanting to date her until I am mature enough to deal with it.

Counselor, Water, and Money

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Counselor

I am so glad I got to see my counselor on the same day that my water went away.  It was not an emergency session, it happened to be one already scheduled.  I think that is great how that worked out.  I had been sort of bummed to be back to once a week sessions, but not anymore.  I know that things happen for a reason, and if I had not been back to once a week sessions it is possible I might not have seen her the same week I had a huge anxiety problem.

Part of my anxiety on that day came from the fact that in my effort to pack things up to go to my grandmother’s house, I was also packing several food items.  I had to pack them because with no water I could not really cook them here, and food is just too expensive to let it go to waste sitting in my fridge.  Especially, when I know grandma enjoys my cooking.  When I got to my grandma’s house, I realized I had left a roast sitting out on the counter.  Which meant, that in my frazzled state, I became more frazzled and had to go back to my house, forgetting my house key, and break into my own home to rescue the poor,  forgotten roast.  Then before I was to leave grandma’s and go to my counseling session, I realized that I had forgotten my restless leg medicine sitting where it always does in the living room.  I had two choices at that point.  I could either 1. get the medicine and then rush to the counselor’s office for my appointment and be even more frazzled when I got there, or 2. I could get the medicine after the counseling session when I could take my time.  The problem with choice number two is that by that time I was so out of sorts that I knew I would sit through my session with a worry in the back of my mind about getting that medicine.  An unnecessary worry, because I knew that I would be able to get that medicine after the session, but when I am in that state my worries rarely make any sense.  I went with choice number two, so I would not run the risk of being late for my appointment.

I told my counselor all the things that were causing me to feel like I was coming un-glued around the edges.  She had a very simple, but for me difficult, solution.  What she advised me to do, is that no matter how stress filled a situation is, if there are going to be things that I am going to have to remember, then I need to write them down.  That way even when my brain is going in all directions I can still remember the things I need to.  That is going to require me to actually sit down, be calm, and organize my thoughts during a time, when my natural reaction would be to run around like a crazy person chicken with its head cut off.

Now if I can only remember to get the notebook that is supposed to help me remember things.

Water

Farrol came home and was able to fix the well pump.  He said there had been a fire, but fortunately the breaker kicked off, which kept it from destroying the whole pump system.  Of course about the time he was able to get out there and start working on the electrical unit, a nice thunder storm with loads of rain came through.  The silly man kept working, and neither he or his assistant, Anna, were injured in the repair job.  All of my worries about the hot water heater being destroyed or the part of the pump way down in the well being fried were completely unfounded.

Farrol believes the ants are at fault for the fire.  Every year these rather large black ants try to move into the well house.  I guess if I were an ant I would want to as well.  It is protected from the elements, relatively cool, and damp, and most of the time there are no icky humans messing around in it.  Maybe it is sort of the Summer vacation spot for ants.

Money

There is a very good reason I have been mostly absent from my usual internet hang out spots.  I was actually given not one but two freelance writing jobs.  I was paid $25 for each assignment.  That may not seem like big money to some of you, but for me it is.  It was work I could do from home, so no gas was spent getting to my place of employment.  The person who gave me the work is someone who has been a big, huge, enormous inspiration to me in even attempting to try my hand at freelance writing.  Emcogneato is the one who trusted me enough to pass me the work, so I would appreciate if you would go spam leave her some comment love.

The money I made represents more than just money to me.  It is the first money I have earned, all by myself (there was a church cleaning job, but my family helped with that) in fourteen years or more.  It sort of represents a new beginning for me, part of a long line of new beginnings that have happened over the last year.  I might have to get all sentimental and tacky and print out a copy of my paypal account and have it framed.  That way the first money I ever made in my pajamas can be memorialized.

Comfortable With Me? No, Not Really.

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I am not comfortable in my own skin. The obvious reason is that I am over weight, however, even when I was much younger and skinnier, I was not comfortable in my own skin. I am not sure why that is.  I look back at pictures of me and I see an attractive person, with a cute figure and an appearance of having a bubbly personality.

Maybe the reason I have never been happy with how I looked is that I was generally not happy.  I kept a lot hidden from the people in my life even back then.  Things like, how ugly I thought I was, how I did not think I was intelligent, and how inadequate I felt when I compared myself to other people.  My negative internal dialogue was active even back then.

I would enjoy reaching a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin.  I believe that being ok with myself has little to do with what size I am, but more to do with my own feelings of self worth.  This is not to say that I do not need to lose weight, I realize that I do.  It is more about being ok with myself and not basing my body image on other people’s opinions.

I believe becoming comfortable in my own skin, no matter my size, will come along, but that it is probably going to take some extra time.  In the meantime, since I am finished with making excuses for not exercising, I will put some time and effort into that.  As well as doing a few other things that make me feel good about myself.

No More Excuses

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The time has come for me to actually do something proactive in an effort to lose some weight. I know how to lose weight, I have lost a significant amount before. I had motivation then, and less excuses. Now I have excuses and no motivation. Some of my excuses are legitimate, but they are still excuses. I think what I need to do is for every excuse I do have, legitimate or not, I need to find a phrase or word that counters it. I have no great expectations for losing as much as I have before, or being as skinny as I was before marriage. I just want to lose some so I feel better.

Excuses

  • I sat on my butt for two years or more because of the depression and it is too hard to get back into the habit of being active.
  • I end up on steroids too often in the year to bother with trying to lose weight. Steroids cause weight gain, especially with fat being deposited in the belly area.
  • I hate exercise
  • My family physician is more worried about making sure my depression is well managed than about me losing weight at this time, so why should I worry about losing weight.
  • It is hard to get the motivation to exercise when most of the time all I want to do is sleep.
  • Asthma makes it hard to exercise.

If you have any suggestions for phrases or words that counter these excuses, please feel free to let me know.  Next week I will post a follow up with all the phrases that counter the excuses, including some that ya’ll submit.

What Depression Feels Like To Me

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Now that it has been over year since my suicide attempt, I have some clarity about my depression.  There are some parts of it I can vividly recall, while other parts are a bit fuzzy.  I think the reason parts of it are fuzzy is because of how severe my depression was. Depression does mess with your memory, and it very well could be my brain trying to protect me from some of the pain.

For me, looking back, I remember how my depression made me feel so physically awful.  That physical feeling was so bad that it scares me to even contemplate a return to that state of being.  My body ached all over. I was exhausted all the time.  My stomach hurt. I had many migraines and felt nauseous often.  It was as if my depression had filled me up so much that it was oozing out of my body, much like the way pus oozes out of an infection.

It felt as if I only had two emotions, extreme anger and extreme sadness.  My brain hurt from these extremes.  There were many days where I was so sad that all I could do was cry and when I was not crying, I would feel like crying.  I would cry from guilt over a past action, I would cry about my son and how he left home.  Sometimes,I would cry for no reason. Then there were those truly horrible days when my extreme anger at myself manifested itself to such a degree, that I took it out on other people.  I said and did terrible things.  I knew what was coming out of my mouth was bad, but I had no control over it.  Then I would feel so much guilt about what I had said and done that I would start feeling that extreme sadness again.  It was a vicious cycle, and it seemed like there was no way to stop it.

Then there was that mean, little voice in my head.  That little voice that sounded like my own, and it kept saying nasty, spiteful things to me.  Things like, I was not good enough to have such a wonderful family, or that I deserved all the pain I was feeling.  Then it began filling my head, heart and soul with dark thoughts of death.  It kept on and on, until all I could hear was that mean, little voice telling me what a loser I was, and how I really should not be alive to be a burden to my family.

Those dark and terrible days weighed so heavily on me that even my soul felt worn out.  I felt as if I was a soulless creature, and when someone feels as if they have no soul they have no hope.

I cannot just leave this post on such a sad note.  I did this as a writing assignment for Writing Workshop.  I chose to do it, because I thought it might benefit people to see how all encompassing depression is.

I am a far cry from how I was when my depression made me feel that bad.  Today, I have hope, satisfaction, and my soul feels refreshed.

Anxiety Alert! Anxiety Alert!

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You know what really triggers my anxiety?  When things do not go the way I want them too.  Right now, what is not going my way is my well pump.  No well pump means no water in the house.  Ugh!  This is very frustrating for me.  I need to go look at the well pump electronics and see if I can fix it.  If I can’t then that means I have to go somewhere else for a shower and stuff today.  I have a counseling appointment today, which makes me even more frazzled. Not sure why, I know I can get my shower done, even some place else, in time, but yet it does add an extra layer of anxiety.

Update

I checked the well pump.  There is a serious problem.  It appears there may have been an electrical fire in there.  The box covering the points is completely melted.  I cannot even remove it.  There is soot on the wires that lead out of the box.  So now I have some more anxiety.  I am anxious about whether or not the problem goes all the way down to the part of the pump that is in the well.  If it does, then I just do not know how we would fix and/or repair that.  It is a very expensive part.  Of course I am also worried about the hot water heater.  If there was no water in it for too long then the electrical elements in it could be fried.  It is turned off now, maybe I caught it in time.

I guess I will have to stay some place else for the rest of the week, at least until my husband can get home and fix the part.  Which means I will not be able to follow my usual routine.  My routine is important to me.  I know what I will be doing and when I am going to do it, and it keeps me on an even keel.  I really have a difficult time when unexpected and out of my control things happen.

Deep breath in, exhale.  That is all I can do right now.  The good thing is that I have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon.  I can talk to her about my anxiety, which should help in allowing me to let it go.

Unequal Partnership

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Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. Ideally, the amount that each spouse contributes to the marriages is equal. Often when marriages have an unequal partnership they end in divorce, because the spouse who is contributing more gets tired of carrying the load.

My marriage is unequal, and has been for many years. Depression left me unable to contribute my fair share to our partnership. My husband was left to work all day and then come home and do the work at home. Cook, clean, laundry, he had to do it because my depression did not allow me to function as I should. It was very hard on him, he said he often felt as if he was a single parent since I was checked out and he had to do it all.

Now that I am doing better, I do contribute more, but it is still not an equal partnership. I have good days, and ok days, and bad days and this maybe how it is for the rest of my life. Depression is a life long disease, even if I were to reach a state of remission. Which means my husband is still left doing more than his share in our marriage.

This has made things difficult at times. My husband has felt that there were occasions I could have done more to contribute to the marriage than I have. I have felt that he is not being understanding enough. The reality is there is probably a happy medium in there some place, we just have to find it.

Even though he gets frustrated with me every once in a while, I know he loves me. He is a loving man, who is doing the best he can. I am not the person he married, and he misses her. My depression has been hard on him, it has changed all of our lives drastically.

I wish I could say that there will come a day, very soon, when I will be an equal contributing partner in our marriage, but I just do not know if that will ever happen. What I can say is that there will probably be a day when I contribute more.

We have had some rough patches during this last year. He has had to accept the fact that I was so depressed and did not tell him, and also that I tried to commit suicide. I have changed a great deal and he has had to come along for the ride. I am sure he has been confused and worried about me more than once.

I know that given everything that is going on in our marriage right now, and how we each are performing at our partnership roles, we stand a greater chance, statistically, of getting divorced than other marriages do. However, I happen to disagree with the statistics. Although it is not going to be easy, I think that we will adjust, and adapt to our roles in our marriage and will become more understanding of each others needs.

Thank you, Lady Grier of My Life for inspiring me to write this.