“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.” – Richard Bach

Are you choosing to be the Victim of your mental health issue/mental illness? Or are you choosing to be the Victor?

I know what some of you might be thinking…Did she really just ask if I am choosing to be a victim of my mental illness?

Ummmm, yeah, I really did just ask that.

Now before you decide that I am yet another one of those self help guru’s who has never had their own mental health challenge, and that I have no basis in reality to ask that question, I urge you to read a little bit more of this blog post.

I have spent the last three to four years facing my own mental health challenges. For a good portion of that time, I chose to be the victim. I made that choice because:

• I was scared
• I thought my family would not understand
• I was embarrassed
• Making choices was hard, especially given how I felt. It required more effort on my part than I desired to put into anything.

I allowed my mental illness – depression – to become so strong that eventually any choices that I might have made were taken out of my hands. The disease itself took away my choice to live or die. My thoughts were so irrational that other people – family and medical personnel – had to make life choices for me.

Once I began to reach a bit of clarity in my thinking – this came after a two suicide attempts and a psychiatric hospitalization – I realized that I had choices to make. I could choose to continue being the victim of my mental illness or I could choose to become victorious over it.

In the past, when I thought of someone being victorious over something, the mental image I had was of glittering confetti falling down, golden streamers flowing from their hair, and crowds in the street cheering for them. There was no doubt that there had been a victory of some kind and there was no doubt who the victor was. I think that this type of imagery is common for most people, which is why I believe it is hard for most of us to visualize any type of victory over a mental health issue/mental illness. We want clear cut answers. We want to see hard evidence that we have defeated something. It is hard to get that clear cut, “I won” answer when we talk in terms of defeating something as intangible as a mental illness.

However, we can live in victory over our mental health issue. I am not talking about a cure. I am not talking about no longer having to take any medications we are on. I am not even talking about stopping any type of therapy we might be engaging in. I am talking about changing our attitudes when it comes to our own mental health “label”

I am talking about Personal Responsibility.

Give me a minute….I need to check and see if I actually wrote those words. Oh..I. Did. Is it possible to irritate yourself with your own “wise words”?

I have been thinking a lot this week about Personal Responsibility in reference to mental health issues/mental illnesses. I have been thinking about the role Personal Responsibility plays in regards to a disease – an organic process – that takes place in someone’s brain.

Nine months ago if I saw or heard someone use the words Personal Responsibility in reference to my depression diagnosis, my reaction would have been one of polite disdain. I probably would have rolled my eyes, and politely listened to what they had to say – if they were in front of me – and privately ranted about how that person had no idea what they were talking about. Or I would have skimmed through what they had written so at least I could truthfully say, “What a thought provoking read”, while keeping what thoughts they had actually inspired to myself. It is possible that seeing or hearing the words Personal Responsibility even four weeks ago might have inspired me to call the person who used them a few not nice names – only in my head of course.

The reality is that we do have some personal responsibility when it comes to our mental health. Even in the times when we are barely holding on, we still have choices. Granted, the choices could be yucky ones, but we do have choices. To the outside world, those choices may seem silly or inconsequential but they are still our choices.

We have to do the best we can. This is our sacred human responsibility. – Albert Einstein

I believe that Personal Responsibility is doing the best YOU can in your set of circumstances. Not what your Aunt Fay thinks is your best, or what your Mom believes you should be doing, or even what someone else who has the same diagnosis as you is currently able to do. It is doing the best that YOU are capable of at that point in your life. Having been there, done that, and have the hospital bracelet to prove it, I can whole heartedly say that for some of us, the best we can do is simply to put food on our forks and then into our mouths. As long as we are doing the best that we can, even if it only involves making the simplest of choices, we are living in victory over our mental health issue/mental illness. It is a victory born out of Personal Responsibility.

Personal Responsibility means that we STOP using our mental illness as an excuse for why we cannot do something. It means that we STOP blaming that disease for why our life is not going the way we want it to. Dare I use this phrase? Yes, I think I will. Personal Responsibility means we are going to have to COWBOY UP,and get about the business of living our lives the best we can. It also means that we must do what we can to manage our own mental health. For some of us that will mean making sure that someone else is in charge of giving us our medications, because either we cannot remember to take them, or the temptation to take too much at one time is harder than we can presently handle. For others, taking Personal Responsibility over our own mental health means that we need to push our comfort zones more. Sometimes taking Personal Responsibility for our own mental health means we have to take a step back in our treatment process in order to relearn how to use a particular “tool”.

When we take Personal Responsibility for our mental health, our attitude about our particular mental health challenge changes. The way we feel about ourselves changes. Very often we are surprised to find ourselves rising to challenges that we might not have even considered attempting to conquer before all the business in our brains got started. I believe taking Personal Responsibility for our mental health has the potential to make us happier. We have more to be proud of, and that increases our own sense of self worth.

Personal Responsibility:

• Gives Us Choices – there is never any choice that is too small or too silly when it comes to Personal Responsibility.
• Is doing the best you can in your set of circumstances. – If the best we can do on a particular day is making the choice to live for that day then we are doing the best we can in the set of circumstances that exists for us at that time.
• Gives us a sense of pride – When we can truthfully say, “I did the best I could today”, no matter how big or small what we did may seem to the rest of the world, we can feel good that we did the best that we could. The more things we have to be proud about, the more our self worth grows.
• Means we are choosing to be the Victor and not the Victim. By choosing Personal Responsibility, we are choosing to no longer allow our disease to dictate our life circumstances – we no longer choose to be the victim.  We are choosing to do the best we can, no matter what the circumstances are, which means we WIN – we are living in victory over our mental illness.

This post was written as part of The Blog Gang. A circle of bloggers who write about the same topic, each from their own point of view. This month’s topic was personal responsibility.

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

I have decided that I need to return to the basics. You know, that basic homework my counselor had me use to create a more positive thought process in my head. It is a fairly simple bit of homework, all I have to do is look for at least three positive things out of every situation. Okay, well maybe it sounds simpler then it really is.

I thought I had gotten extremely skilled at doing this. I suppose in comparison to how I used to think – glass is always half empty, life sucks and the world is out to get me – I was getting fairly adept at it. However, this whole withdrawal process has shown me, that I am still a long way from being as skilled at positive thinking as I want to be.

“Would I like some cheese with my Whine?”

Instead of focusing on the positive parts of withdrawing from Effexor, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how rotten I have been feeling. The headaches, the muscle aches, the constant need to sleep, and even the nausea have been what I have been concentrating on. Thinking so much about how my body feels has done me no good. In fact, I have allowed it to create a negative mental attitude in me. I do not know about the rest of you, but when I have a negative attitude it also affects how I feel physically.

It is time to practice what I preach!

I talk often about being positive.  I tell other people that thinking positive will help them/us get through the trials that depression and other mental health issues throw at us.  I say that I practice positive thinking everyday.  Yet, when I am faced with my biggest personal trial since I began depression treatment I revert, to some extent, to old patterns of behavior.

I believe that I had become complacent. Taking it for granted that I would always pick a positive attitude and/or thought process.  At the same time, I had not really paid attention to the fact that it has been months since I have had to face any real difficulties in my life and depression treatment. This withdrawal process has turned into a much needed reminder that when it comes to my mental health, I can not take anything for granted.

Beginning again

1.  Withdrawing from the Effexor is allowing me to sleep more than I have in years and years.

2.  The constant feeling of wanting/needing to cry is a great reminder that I still need to be on an anti-depressant.

3.  At least during the time that I am not having to take any anti-depressant my sex life will be better than it has been in about four years (3 years of untreated depression and about 1 year of being on Effexor)

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I can take the next thing that comes along. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes I think I am like the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz.  The one thing he most wanted in the world was courage.  He wanted it so much he was willing to face the scary, powerful Wizard to obtain it.  Little did he realize that he had courage all along, facing the Wizard proved it.   Silly Lion, facing the fear is a mark of courage!

One of my biggest fears since a medication was found that worked on my depression has been anyone or anything getting in the way of me being able to take it.  That includes when I have been in the hospital for asthma, and the timing of when I was to take the depression medication was changed.  I have had such a fear of it that my previous psychiatrist was able to detect severe anxiety in me even when I just thought about my depression medications being changed in some way.

I have been so afraid that a medication change would happen, that I actually deluded myself into believing that it could never happen. Now, what I have feared has become a reality.  Not only has changing depression medications become a reality, I am having to stop taking the one I have been on cold turkey. I cried when I received the news.  I cried mostly because I was afraid.

I admit it.  I am afraid. I am afraid that I will lose all or at least most of what I have gained over the last year and a half.  I am afraid that I will lose my sanity.  I am afraid of feeling as sick in my head and body as I used to.  I am more afraid of these things than of death.

I have realized something over these last few, very hard days – thanks in part to my mother.  Being afraid is okay. Being afraid is normal. Mentally Ill or not, anyone in a similar set of circumstances would probably be afraid.

So here I am on my third day of withdrawing from Effexor.  I feel rotten.  I have the worst headache I have ever had in my life. I am constantly thirsty.  I get hungry, eat, then I want to throw up.  My body aches from head to toe.  I have no idea how long it will be before I can start on a new anti-depressant. I am still afraid. However, the fear that I have now feels different than it did.  It is hard to explain but the fear I have now feels as if it is empowering.  Like I looked that fear I had of depression medication changes in the face and said, “I know you now.  You still scare me, but you cannot defeat me.”

Now I know what it feels like for other people when they have medication changes. I can sympathize and empathize with what they are going through. I can be of better help to them.  I also know that the next time I have to go through something like this – I am sure there will be a next time – I am strong enough to handle it.

To myself I say, “Silly Melissa, facing the fear is a mark of courage!  You Win!”

As I was writing my previous post, something came to me.  There are actually some pretty cool things about being in treatment for depression.  Granted there are parts of depression treatment that suck, hurt, and are just plain yucky, but not all of it is that way.  Here are a few things that come to mind when I think about the cooler side of depression treatment.

1. I really enjoy being more positive. When I first had to start finding a least three positive things about every situation, I really disliked it.  It was difficult and to be quite frank, I thought it was a waste of my time.  I was of the opinion that my life was always going to be difficult, and depressing.  I am so happy I was wrong.
2. I think about other people more than I used to. This may be difficult to explain, but I am going to try.  Before my depression treatment, and even before this last depressive episode, I believe that I spent more time focusing on myself than I did on other people.  The focus I applied to myself was mostly negative.  For example, I would think about my pain and my feelings more than I would think about someone else’s pain and feelings.  Another example would be, I was convinced that most people in my life were thinking not nice things about me.  See, I would turn everything so that in some way, shape, or form until it revolved around me.
3. I am grateful. I really do not think I was grateful for much of anything before I began depression treatment.  I hardly saw anything positive so I really did not see anything to be grateful for.  I find it interesting that making a conscious effort to be more positive led to me being more grateful.  If it were a math problem it would look something that this:   Me + Positive Thinking = Grateful Attitude
4. I love how depression treatment has taught me to view myself differently. I have more self-worth and more self-confidence.  I am proud of my accomplishments.
5. I like how depression treatment has made me willing to continue to work on myself.  Like early this morning when I identified that I chose not to use my tools to turn off my brain when it was time to sleep.  Instead of wallowing in self pity because I have gotten no sleep, or beating myself up because I was not acting very intelligent when I chose not to use those tools, I identified where I messed up and decided to do things differently the next time I ran into that issue.

It is four in the morning and I still have not been able to sleep.  I think I know why.  Today is the day, that my change is depression medications is probably going to start.  I cannot say I am worried about it, but I have been thinking about it.  I have not been able to shut my brain off.  I keep wondering if the withdrawal from the Effexor is going to be as bad as I have read it can be.  It either will be or it won’t, but I still wonder how it will be for me.  I have also been thinking about what type of new depression medication the doctor will try.  If she is going to keep it in the same class of medications (SSNRI) or if she is going to go in a completely different direction?

I really should not have allowed this thinking to keep me up all night.  Unfortunately, I did.  I just did not get it turned off in time to allow me some sleep.  This is kind of like the old days of not being able to turn my brain off.  I have tools now to stop this all night thinking, tools I did not have in the past.  For whatever reason, I chose not to use them.

I have been productive in this time of no sleeping.  I changed my blog layout, and fixed breakfast for my husband.  Did some reading and caught up on some of the blogs I follow.  Even with all that productivity, my mind keep going back to what might, could, or would happen today.  Obsessive thinking.  No other way to describe it.

I think I had gotten so used to how good I felt and my brain felt on Effexor, that until all the recent medical issues with it, I had willingly accepted the fact that I would probably be on it for the rest of my life.  That was MY plan.  Once again, I am being shown that I do not need to create so many of my own plans.  I need to be more flexible. If I had not set my mind on Effexor being my forever drug then chances are, I probably would not have spent so much time thinking about the upcoming changes.

I will chalk this up as yet another lesson learned.  I hope everyone has a great day!