Diabetes and Me – My Diagnosis Part I

Most of the time I blog about my depression. I think it is because it is the illness that is most affecting my life right now.  Since November is National Diabetes Month, I thought over the next few days I would blog about diabetes and the effect it has had on me, same facts about diabetes and some myths about diabetes.  

I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes in May of 2008.  I was 38 years old.  When I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes I felt completely blind sided and devastated and oddly enough a little bit relieved at times.

About 10 months before I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, I had been diagnosed with Asthma.  From the time of my Asthma diagnosis, I never felt good.  I had frequent Asthma attacks that required emergency treatment and I felt so very tired all of the time. I attributed the fatigue to the Asthma.  

If I had the usual symptoms you have when you have untreated Type 2 Diabetes, I never noticed them.  I already urinated more frequently than most people, and because of some medications I was on, I was always thirsty anyway.  I do recall in the last few weeks before I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes that I was even more thirsty, but I did not think anything of it.  The only thing I really noticed was the constant fatigue.  

One Friday in May, I began having some difficulty breathing.  I used my nebulizer several times, but it seemed to have no effect.  Since my breathing was getting worse, I decided that I needed to go to the Emergency Room and get some help.  When I got there, I was taken straight back and the triage nurse performed her assessment.  I was also started on a breathing treatment.  

The doctor came in and told me that my blood pressure was incredibly high. I sort of laughed and said I was not surprised considering how many breathing treatments I had given myself before I had gone to the Emergency Room.  The doctor did not appear to be as amused as I was.  In fact, he insisted that he do some blood work.  He was concerned that I had congestive heart failure because of my breathing difficulties and the high blood pressure. I agreed to let him run the blood work, I was not worried at all, as far as I was concerned there was nothing wrong with me except that I was having an asthma attack.  

I did notice that the nurses started treating me a bit differently, paying more attention to me, going out of their way to make sure I was comfortable, I was moved from a curtained bed area to a room that was much more private.  I still did not worry about anything “not good” showing up in my blood work.

The doctor finally came back to my room. He sat down.  It was at that point that I actually began to worry.  I knew by his demeanor something bad had been found in my blood work.  I was preparing myself for a diagnosis of congestive heart failure.  When doctor told me that I did not have congestive heart failure,  I was so happy that it did not really register that he went on to tell me that my blood sugar was 442 and I had Type 2 Diabetes.  It finally began to sink into my brain that even though I did not have congestive heart failure there was still something very serious wrong with me.  Initially, the doctor thought about admitting me into the hospital so that my blood sugar could be monitored. In the end, he agreed to let me go home because I happened to have a glucose meter that had belonged to my father.  He told me he was going to give me a prescription for glucophage and that I needed to see a doctor about the Type 2 Diabetes as soon as possible.  

While I was happy that it was not congestive heart failure, my brain could not completely wrap itself around the fact that I had Type 2 Diabetes. Even though I had several family members who had Type 2 Diabetes and knew I was at a higher risk to develop it, I never thought that I would.  

Shortly after the doctor left my room, a nurse came in with a syringe. She told me she needed to give me a shot of insulin either in my thigh or stomach.  I promptly burst into uncontrollable tears.  You see, shots/needles are a phobia of mine and the thought of having to get a shot in either my stomach or my thigh totally freaked me out.  The nurse calmly talked to me and told me she could give me the injection in the back of my arm.  The arm was a location that appealed to me because it was a place where I was used to receiving injections so I agreed.  After I was given the injection I was sent home, I was told to monitor my blood sugar, but I was not given any clear instructions about how or when to do that.

That weekend was a very tense weekend for me and my husband. We were constantly checking my blood sugar. At the time we had no idea when the best times were to check blood sugar so we were checking it every hour.  The glucophage upset my stomach.  I was halfway convinced that the diabetes diagnosis had to be a mistake.  We were also wondering if I would be able to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist on Monday.

I knew that once again that my life was going to take a drastic turn due to an illness, but I had no clear idea how this change was going to manifest itself.

To be continued…….Diabetes and Me – My Diagnosis Part II tomorrow

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 Diabetes Facts and Myths

information from American Diabetes Association

Facts – Type 2 Diabetes

Type 2 Diabetes is the most common form of Diabetes

In Type 2 Diabetes, either the body does not produce enough insulin or the cells ignore the insulin

Being overweight is one of the leading risk factors for Type 2 Diabetes.


A family history is one of the strongest risk factors for developing Type 2 Diabetes.


Fiction

Myth: Diabetes is not that serious of a disease.
Fact: Diabetes causes more deaths a year than breast cancer and AIDS combined.  Two out of three people with diabetes die from heart disease or st
roke.
Myth: If you have type 2 diabetes and your doctor says you need to start using insulin, it means you’re failing to take care of your diabetes properly.
Fact: For most people, type 2 diabetes is a progressive disease. When first diagnosed, many people with type 2 diabetes can keep their blood glucose at a healthy level with oral medications.  But over time, the body gradually produces less and less of its own insulin, and eventually oral medications may not be enough to keep blood glucose levels normal.  Using insulin to get blood glucose levels to a healthy level is a good thing, not a bad one. 

Daily Journal – November 15, 2009

I actually put make up on and got out of the house last night.  My father had called mid-afternoon yesterday and offered to take my family out to supper at Long Horn.  My husband was still working for the day so it was just me and my daughter at home.  Anna and I decided it might be fun to get out of the house for a bit.  My parents picked us up at about 5:45 PM.  Long Horn is only about fifteen minutes away, so it did not take us long to get there.  Our timing was great!  There was absolutely no wait time for a table.  We had a great waitress.  For an appetizer we had home made chips.  The chips had sea salt on them.  They were awesome!  My mother and I had the same thing, a fillet with blue cheese and mushrooms with a baked potato.  She had her medium-well and I had mine done the only way steaks should be cooked….rare!  Anna had a very yummy salad with chicken in it.  My father had a prime rib, but I am not sure how much he enjoyed it.  He kept getting up and going to the bar section to see some game on TV.   In fact he was gone when our main dish arrived and stayed gone for another ten minutes after it was there.  

This is how his seat looked through most of our meal…

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Thanksgiving is almost here and I have decided that my husband, Anna and I will just have our Thanksgiving meal here.  I think it will be more pleasant for everyone and I am actually looking forward to cooking the meal. 

Anna's Picture Of The Day – November 15, 2009

The Moon

The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show of her pictures.  I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know

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I Miss The Mom…

quotes put here with permission from Anna Mashburn

“I miss the mom I used to have. I miss the mom who would do anything and everything.  I miss the mom who would spend time with me. I miss the mom that I could talk to.  I miss my fun and loving mom.” 


Sadness, hurt, abandonment, tears, and pain are some of the words I think of every time I read that quote.  I feel so sorry for the child who is expressing those feelings.  I feel such utter sadness because the child who wrote those words is my daughter.  



Maybe the best term to use for what depression has done to my family is collateral damage.  My husband and daughter are the innocent and injured by-standers in my war against depression and an anxiety disorder.  The wife and mother they had suffered an internal explosion, could barely function, and they were left to pick up the pieces and to hold the family together.

For too long my daughter felt like she had to “babysit” me when my husband was not home.  There were days when she had to remind me to take a shower or eat.  She felt this constant need to make me feel better, and she developed a habit of telling me she loved me at least twenty times a day as well as constantly asking me if I was happy. In essence she lost her mother.  I may have been in her life physically (sometimes), but I was certainly not there emotionally or mentally.   


Physically I was not with her as much as I would have been before the depression consumed me.  I could not leave the house most of the time, when she wanted to go do something.  That meant my husband and her would often have to go on outings without me.  Or because I could barely function, I would spend a lot of time in bed, so she was left to take care of herself.  


Having any type of meaningful conversation with me had to be very frustrating for her.  Most of the time I did not pay attention to what she may have been trying to talk to me about and if I did, most of the time I  would forget what she had said within about two minutes.


“I feel like you have pushed me away.  I feel like you don’t really mean I Love You.”


I just want to cry when I see those words.  I cannot blame her for thinking that though.  In my checked out, depressed state I did push people away, including her and my husband.  The thought processes going on in my head at the time rationalized me pushing them away. I told myself that by pushing them away, I was getting them used to taking care of themselves so that when I decided the time was right for me to end my life, it would make it easier for me to go through with it.

After seeing those words I went out and bought me and my daughter something special. I felt that it would reassure her that I do love her, even if I “checked out” again and could not express it properly.  I got us heart necklaces, the larger heart says “Mother”, the smaller heart says “Daughter”. 
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 I have also spent a great deal of time talking to her, reassuring her that I love her, and apologizing to her.  My hope is that once again she will feel as if I love her and not feel so sad and abandoned anymore.  I do not want her to  feel she has to be so grown up at her young age because she thinks she has to take care of me.

I have learned that my depression recovery is a family affair.  It is obvious what harm the major depression and anxiety disorder has caused me. What is less obvious is the harm and sadness that it has  caused to my family. Even now some days it is very difficult for me to focus on anything or anyone except for myself.  Just getting myself through the day is a huge task.  However, on the days when I can, I will make an effort to reassure my family that I still love and care about them.  Things will never be the way they were before the depression. I will never be the way I was before the depression.  It was not healthy.  I do, however, have a hope that when we all get on the other side of things, that we will be a stronger, healthier family because of what we all are struggling through now.

Daily Journal – November 13, 2009

The events at Fort Hood put me a little on edge. Rationally, I knew my son was safe on his base in California, but I still did worry some.   I have worrying about him is just one of those worries that will be a constant thing, but I will not let it become an all consuming worry.  I will keep things in perspective.  So far I have been successful.  

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 Anna got a nasty cut on the underside of her right wrist last Friday.  A few months after Nick moved out, she moved into his room.  We thought we had successfully removed all his sharp objects.  He had razor knives for his models and other things.  We missed one it seems.  Anna was putting something in the top of the closet and when she did something very sharp sliced her wrist open.  Unfortunately, with it being on the underside of her wrist it bleed a great deal and I was worried with all the arteries and veins there that there could be a problem.  I took her to the emergency room and the doctor there decided that he needed to “super glue” the wound, to help it start closing.  Anna has an allergy to adhesives so she could not have a regular bandage on it.  Instead the had to put a piece of gauze on top of the wound and then wrap her wrist up.  When we got home, Anna looked around in the top of the closet to find out what it was that cut her.  She found an old arrow head that belonged to Nick.  It was very sharp and had razor like things on the side.  She gave it to my husband and he put it  up somewhere.  The “super glue” has worn off now and her wound is healing very nicely.  

From Anna Wound
From Anna Wound
From Anna Wound

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My grandmother had cataract surgery yesterday. She seems to be doing well.  On the other hand, my mother is very sick.  She is having breathing problems and the doctor almost put her in the hospital.  A week from today she is supposed to leave for Israel.  It is a trip she has been looking forward to.  Most likely she will be better by then, but she knows that after you have had an acute episode of  difficult breathing, that it is very easy for it to happen again in the few weeks after you recover. She is afraid of getting on the plane and flying all that way in case she has problems and of course there is the busy sight seeing/pilgram trip she and her friends have planned for Israel.  I am pretty sure she will end up canceling her trip, she knows that is the wise thing to do.





Anna's Picture Of The Day – November13, 2009

 Full Moon

 The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show of her pictures.  I personally think she does an awesome job.


Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know

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Long Time No Blog

I apologize for taking a few days off from the blog without an explanation why.  Things have been interesting, discouraging, and thought provoking over the last few days.

My original purpose for starting this blog was to give me an outlet for my emotions, mostly so I would not express them inappropriately. That purpose sort of evolved more into using the blog as an outlet for me and putting myself out there for  other people to see and know that they are not alone in their depression.   

The blog has been helping me.  I like being able to have a place to put my thoughts and feelings.  I have enjoyed the feedback I have been getting from people in my email.  Working on this blog has become a very enjoyable thing for me to do everyday.  

However, recently I was told that by blogging about myself it showed how selfish and self-absorbed I am and that putting myself out there with my thoughts, feelings and struggles I am really just whining about things.  This really made me feel quite bad.

I needed to take a few days and reassess my motives and ambitions with regards to the blog.  What I have decided is that if something made me feel good, and gave me more self-confidence and was a positive outlet for me then it is something that I should continue to do.  

In fact, even though my husband does not  write in my blog, he likes to see what I have written and offer suggestions.  There is also what my daughter gets out of her picture of the day section.  She and my husband are both now on constant look out for the perfect picture of the day.  In a way, my blog has become a family affair.  

Maybe the person who gave me the negative feedback was having a bad day and that is what they felt after they read my blog, or it could be their honest every day feeling about these types of blogs.  The positive thing that came out of their negative comments is that it forced me to re-evaluate my motives for the blog.  There is nothing wrong with taking a good look at yourself to keep yourself on track.


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Communication 

I am learning that just like in any part of life, when a person is in the  process of recovering from depression, communication is so very important.  

My natural instinct is to keep my  honest and real feelings to myself and put on a “mask” of fake feelings and not properly communicate my wants or needs.  Most of the time, if I feel like I have to express something personal, I will only hit the surface, just enough to satisfy another person.


On the flip-side, I expect people to communicate fully with me, even when I do not do it in return.  That is not very nice of me to do.  


A few days ago, my husband and I got irritated with each other over a lack of communication.  I thought he was not communicating properly with me and he thought I was not communicating properly with him.  The thing we were NOT communicating about was a stupid grocery list.  I wanted more input from him, and he wanted more input from me, so that both of what we wanted would be represented on the grocery list.  Like most small things people argue about, it turned into a bigger thing than it should have. 


The reason it spiraled down into an argument is that both of us were too busy worrying about what the other wanted to properly communicate  our own wants.  For some reason, both of us perceived that in that situation if we had communicated what we wanted, it would have been selfish.  The reality of what happened is that he got irritated and I got irritated and the list never got done.



Later on that evening, he and I talked.  I expressed to him that it felt like he wanted me to read his mind and figure out what he wanted and he expressed feeling something similar.  We both felt frustrated.   We both realized that if we had spoken up and communicated our wants then the whole mess would have been avoided.  Not to mention, we both connected  a few dots and realized that there have been other occasions where frustrations and irritations could have been avoided if we had spoken up.  


On a more personal level, I see that by putting a “mask”on and hiding what I truly want, need or feel, I am setting up a situation that is bound for failure.  People cannot read my mind to know how I am doing on any given day.  That leads them to worry about what my emotional mind set is for the day.  If I communicated my feelings more, good or bad, then it would cause them less worry because they would not be trying to guess about what is going on in my head.  If things were bad, then they could share the burden or help with solutions, if they were going good then we could feel good together.  Also, the reality of wearing a “mask” to hide my feelings is very tiring work.


I also realized that many of my own personal stress, and aggravation comes from not communicating with other people. I end up doing something I really do not want to do (but never communicated that fact), then stressing because I feel like I am stuck doing something I never wanted to do in the first place.  Worrying because of feeling like I am not doing an adequate job, since I do not want to be doing it in the first place.  Which often leads to me feeling so anxious that I cannot leave the house, which leads to more guilt, worry and stress, and then more anxiousness.  

To take care of myself, to “be all I can be”,  I need to expend some serious mental effort and communicate properly. Keeping things inside is no longer acceptable.  Keeping things inside will eventually lead to me ending up in the hospital again.





Daily Journal – November 4, 2009

Things are going ok.  I am not feeling down, just a little subdued.  There was an unexpected side effect to my effexor, something personal, so I mentioned it to my doctor today.  I thought he would take me off of that medication and put me on something else.  I had not really wanted that because, except for that side effect the effexor seems to be working just fine.  What he did is he added a low dose of welbutrin to my medication mix.  He seems to think that will help.  


I have been very sleepy during the days lately.  One of my medications for anxiety, is also supposed to help me with my sleeping problems.  It seems to because I am sleeping at least four hours every night, but I seem to be very tired during the day from it.  I even fell asleep while I was working on the blog today.   At least I am sleeping more though.

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Anna has some very awesome pictures that she will be showing in her section of the blog over the next few days.  She was very creative in the things she took pictures of.  I know ya’ll will enjoy them as much as I do.

Anna's Picture Of The Day – November 4, 2009

The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on Anna.  In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show of her pictures.  I personally think she does an awesome job.


Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know
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