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Category Archives: Humor
Things To Know About Atlanta
A friend of mine sent me an e-mail this morning filled with true, but amusing facts about Atlanta, Georgia. I enjoyed reading it so much that I thought I would share it with y’all. I think those of y’all who live in the Greater Atlanta area will enjoy reading – and probably agree with -these funny facts. The rest of you, should enjoy learning a thing or two about where I live.
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.
Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina .
All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House.” except that Cobb County, where all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken.”
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.
Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke’s all they drink there so don’t ask for any other soft drink unless it’s made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it’s still called Coke.
The gates at Atlanta ‘s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm. (Don’t forget the lunch time rush hour!)
Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.
Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is ” pawntz duh LEE-awn.”
And yes, they have a street named simply, “Boulevard.”
The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”
Don’t believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked “East” and “West” but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the “Inner Loop” and the “Outer Loop .”
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta . Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.
If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.
It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy.
“Fixinto” is one word (I’m fixinto go to the store) – also can be pronounced “Fixinta”.
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2 years old.
“Jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
“How’s Momma-nem” means: “How’s Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing?”
Something Extra In Her Genes
This morning I was doing some research about the “designer” breed my dog , Minnie, is. I was told that she was a mix of chihuahua and shih tzu. Officially, the breed is called Shi/Chi. Well, as I was looking at pictures of other Shi/Chis I ran across a picture that convinces me Minnie has a little something extra in her gene pool.
Can you see the resemblance between Minnie, and the Gremlin named Stripe? Their ears bear a striking resemblance, and there is the fact they both have a white mohawk.
Silly I know, but it made me laugh this morning.
Minnie's New Clothes
I thought ya’ll would enjoy this video of my dog wearing her new shoes. She looked pretty funny when she was trying to walk. I bought the shoes for her because she does not like to get her feet wet.
Tex's Terror
Finding my sense of humor has been a key component to my depression treatment. It has allowed me to enjoy my life more and also has made it easier for me to maintain a positive attitude in the face of difficult circumstances. A significant portion of my amusement comes from laughing at myself, and even laughing at my mental health issues.
Here is a little video I made that makes me chuckle every time I see it. Enjoy!
My Celebrity Encounter
Last weekend we went to my parent’s place in Augusta so my husband could help my dad build a wooden fence. It is something my mom really needed so that her dogs can go in and out through a doggie door and she does not have to stand out there with them. There was one little section that did not get finished last week, so we came back this weekend in order for my husband to finish up the last section of the fence.
It is usually a four hour drive to Augusta from our house. However, this time we turned it into about a five hour drive. We were all in a good mood, and feeling kind of silly, so we just took our time. As usual, I was the first one to announce that I needed to stop for a bathroom break. I did not want to stop at the Rest Area because it is kind of smelly and there is no air conditioning in the one that is on the south bound side of the highway. Also, for some reason we were all wanting a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Somehow instead of Blizzards we ended up with Dunkin Doughnuts.
Once again, I was asking for another bathroom break. This time I had a choice of Wendy’s or McDonald’s. I chose McDonald’s because it was more crowded and I thought that it would be less likely for anyone to notice that I only went inside to use the rest room. As soon as I walked into the McDonald’s I knew something huge was going on. There were sounds of excited children cheering, and screams of terror coming from other children.
It did not take long to discover the source of all this noise….in the middle of McDonald’s stood Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Quite a few children were gathered around him basking in his purpleness, while others, overwhelmed by fear, hid in the bathroom.
As much as Barney had overwhelmed some of the kids, I believe Barney was even more overwhelmed by the chaos his presence had caused. When I left, Barney was standing in one place not moving with a blank expression on his face.
The Great Escape!
While we were visiting my parents, my husband bought our dog a new little kennel, thinking she would be more comfortable in it. It is the cutest little kennel, it actually looks like a little tent. The other night we all came back to my parents house and Minnie was running around. We all thought that someone had forgotten to put her in her kennel before we left. I noticed her kennel was upside down, but I figured that Minnie and one of my mom’s dogs were playing and knocked it over. After watching her carefully we figured out that she had found a way to get out of her kennel. I managed to record it with my new Flip.
My Letter From The FBI
I got an email from the FBI, the Washington DC office, yesterday. It was all about that supposed Nigerian Bank scam that we have heard so much about. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the FBI taking the time to contact me, just to let me know that they have been investigating this Nigerian Bank and it really does have money waiting for me. Their assurance that this is the real deal certainly puts me at ease.
In my mind the grammar and spelling errors make perfect sense. In their letter to me, the FBI warns me that this is a secret investigation, they have not even let the local office know about it. So it is obvious that the errors are nothing more than their super sophisticated code to keep the other FBI branches from finding out what they are doing. It is hard to imagine that the FBI would trust me with government secrets, but the letter says they are, so it must be true.
Maybe I will donate a portion of my money to the FBI. They seem to be running short on funds. They have had to resort to using Gmail, a free mail service, for their email needs.
A copy of this very official and truthful letter can be found below. I have taken the time to highlight the parts that I think are most important and interesting.
PROGRESSIVE INVESTIGATIONS FROM FBI!!!! ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC. wwwfbidirector.usgov@gmail.com FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET ATTENTION:
We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.
We will find a way to fix a schedule for you to come to our head-quarter in Washington DC to enable us advise you on what to do, but meanwhile you are further advised to be contacting us via email for now because we are having various investigations that we are working on now. Keep everything regarding to your transaction confidential for security reasons and note that we have not informed the local FBI department in your state regarding this matter because we want to keep everything secret until your fund is been transferred to you accordingly. We the FBI have purposely create an email in order for us to contact you personally and our phone codes departments are not aware of this new improvement, so don’t call our service line regarding this email, soon we will provide you with a line you can call for more information about this contract winning funds. For the main time we the Federal Bureau of Investigation Washington DC will be helping you to monitor all the transaction with the CBN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT.
It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services with you as well as your correspondence at all level.
In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Mr. Tunde Lemo The one in charge of funds transfer in Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr. Tunde Lemo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to
understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard
earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office. We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Janet White from ARIZONA has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million united states dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before the go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which was forwarded to them by the above named Lady so that was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in making the investigations.
They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don’t fall victim to this ugly circumstance. And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:
NAME: MR. TUNDE LEMO
OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria, Central Business
District, Cadastral Zone, Abuja,
Federal Capital Territory,
Nigeria.
Email: tundelemoremitttt@gmail.com
NOTE:
In your best interest, any message that doesn’t come from the above official email address and phone numbers should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the Central Bank office immediately with
the above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly. Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures
as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous.
Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to you.All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don’t have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out. Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification,
feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated. Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.
Best Regards,
Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA
Friday Funnies – Mother's Day
Funny Mother’s Day jokes to get your weekend started. Enjoy!
Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Things Mom Would Never Say
- “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
- “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
- “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
- “Let me smell that shirt–Yeah, it is good for another week.”
- “Go, ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I will be happy to feed and walk him every day.”
- “Well, if Tommy’s mother said it was OK, that’s good enough for me.”
- “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It is not like I am running a prison around here”
- “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve
- “Don’t bother wearing a jacket–The wind chill is bound to improve.”
DIY, but Mom’s Way
While assembling furniture, my friend Debbie asked her roommate’s five-year-old son to bring her a screwdriver.
“Do you want a ‘Daddy’ screwdriver or a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver?” the little boy asked.
Confused but preoccupied, Debbie absentmindedly said, “Bring me a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver.”
The child came back and handed her a butter knife.
A mother had been getting on to her two little daughters about not picking up their clothes. One afternoon, mom went into their room and she could be heard saying, “Who left all this underwear all over the floor?” As innocently as an angel, one of the girls replied, “The Panty Fairy came and left us presents”!
The Mom Who Eats Worms
Most people have at least one irrational fear. Spiders, snakes and dogs seem to be fairly common fears. Gayle at Monkey With Glasses has a fear of getting lost. As for me, I have an irrational fear of earthworms.
I always thought that my fear of worms was just a personal quirk of mine. After all, it does seem a little silly to be afraid of an earthworm. They are harmless creatures that help our gardens grow, and are really helpful in a composter. Yet, I am terrified of them. I felt alone, living in a world full of earthworm loving people.
I am not sure why I did it, but the other day I went to my favorite search engine and put in the words “fear of earthworms”. Guess what I found? There is an actual name for it…Scoleciphobia. I am so excited to know that there are tons of people who are afraid of earthworms. I am not the only person who has an irrational fear of these harmless creatures. I am not alone in my weirdness!
Over the years, I have put on a brave front when it came to my fear of earthworms. Especially in front of my children. I did not want them to know their mother was afraid of worms. As impressionable as young children are, I did not want to take a chance of passing my fear on to them. Also, let’s face it, they are my children. If they had found out, they would have thrown worms on me.
The lengths I would go to in order to keep my earthworm fear a secret surprises me at times. One incident in particular sticks out in my mind.
My son and I had moved into a small house. For us, it was a welcomed move after living in apartments in not so safe neighborhoods for a few years. Even though we were renting, I decided to plant some flowers in front of the house. My son was out there with me as I was digging holes for the plants. While I was digging, he and I discovered an earthworm. My plan was to ignore it and the hole until it went away. My son had a different plan.
His plan was to pick the earthworm up and show it to me. He really wanted me to examine it. I really wanted to run away screaming. Instead, what I ended up doing would come back to haunt me. I told my son that I wanted him to put the worm back on the ground so it would not die. The reason I gave him was that it needed to get bigger. It needed to be much fatter before I could eat it. You read that right, I told him that I ate worms just to make him get the worm away from me.
Not very long after this, my son traveled to China, where my parents were living, with one of my mother’s friends and her grandson. My mother was very good about sending me pictures and videos of my son so I could see what he was doing there.
On one particular video tape you can tell that it had rained recently. My son and the boy he traveled to China with were jumping in puddles and talking. They both stop to examine something that they saw on the ground. It turns out to be a rather large earthworm. After the boys examined the earthworm for a minute or two I hear my son say, “Don’t kill it. My mom eats worms!”
Just when I thought he had forgotten all about that, it showed up right there on the video tape. There is no telling how many people have watched that video over the years. I am sure at least a few of them are referring to me as “The Mom Who Eats Worms”