Learning how to manage my depression took more than just swallowing the right pill, and spilling my guts to a counselor. It required a great deal of hard work on my part. In the beginning, it was very difficult for me to even think about putting any effort into my own treatment process. Depression left me feeling totally exhausted and unmotivated. I was also very comfortable with my negative view of everything and everyone, including myself.

I remember feeling very irritated when my counselor challenged my negative thinking. By making me aware of how negative my perception of reality was, she was in essence making me take ownership for my own feelings. I did not want to own them! It was so much easier to have other people be responsible for how I felt.

Once I was aware of my role in how I felt, I realized that I was the one in charge of whether or not I became mentally healthier. The choice was mine and I hated that. I resisted making a choice for as long as I could. I realize now that not making a choice is really making a choice.

Eventually, I decided that I was tired of feeling the way I did, by that time the depression medications were helping even me out some. I knew that I would have to make some sort of effort to get better but I was still exhausted and still lacked motivation.  It took me a while but eventually I understood I would have to make an effort despite how I felt.

I told myself to “suck it up” and “get on with it”. I know that sounds harsh but that is what I kept saying to myself. “Suck it up” and “do it” even though I was tired and it made me feel uncomfortable. It is what I needed to hear from myself at the time. I needed to push myself into uncomfortable situations and thought processes so I could get mentally healthier.

With the help and guidance of my counselor I began challenging my thinking by doing the following things:

I know, believe me I KNOW how much depression hurts. It does not matter what the root cause of your depression is, YOU CAN CHOOSE to do something about it. Think about it from this perspective; if you had a leg injury and had to have physical therapy to help it heal, the exercises you had to do in physical therapy would hurt. You would have to push through some of that pain to get your leg strong again and to help it heal. Most likely, your leg would be sore for several days after a physical therapy session. Choosing to be proactive in learning how to manage your depression is like that physical therapy session, it will hurt and it will be uncomfortable. Most likely, the emotional pain that is created by taking a step to help yourself mentally heal will last for several days. You need to push through the pain. It is even okay to tell yourself to “suck it up” and “get on with it”.

I think at one time or another most – if not all – of us have uttered the words “If I could do things differently…”. I think it’s natural for us to look back on parts of our lives and wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made different choices. However, from my own experience, I can tell you that it is very possible to take the “what if” game way too far.

I’m not sure which came first, the depression, or beating myself up with “what if’s”. I guess in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter. What does matter is what I did with the “what if’s”. During the worst part of my depression, my version of the “what if” game became a very cruel tool that I could use to beat myself up with. It was something like a crowbar on steroids. It caused me a great deal of mental and physical pain. As I started to become mentally healthier, I quit engaging in the “what if” game, viewing it as nothing more than a source of unrelenting pain.

After I began blogging, I would often search the Internet for writing prompts. One of the most popular ones I saw was something along the lines of “Pick a time in your life when you would like to do things differently – Describe what you would do differently if given the chance and why.” I have always avoided those types of writing prompts. My memories of what I used to do to myself with my own version of this is still so fresh in my mind that I just did not want to walk down that road, or even take a chance of falling back into that old habit. I was very firm in my decision, and I honestly expected it to be this way for the rest of my life. Then I read something in Inspiration for Girlfriends, – written by Ellen Miller – that changed my viewpoint about this.

She calls this section of the devotional Getting a Do-Over. The first time I looked at the title I thought “Yeah, I’m going to skip this part”, and I did. I didn’t even bother to skim through that section until I had almost finished the devotional and was running out of things to read in it. When I finally began to read it, I was very surprised to see that the author did not start the section off with how healing it is to think about past events and vent away about them, or think about the past and try to figure out whose fault it was that we made a poor decision. Instead, she starts off the section with how much we need mentors in our life.

Regardless of our age, how successful or unsuccessful we are, whether were single or married, we all need successful men or women who have walked ahead of us. Basically, they have “been there and done that” stories, and are willing to share their insights. The author calls these stories Do-Overs, and explains them like this:

…do-overs are experiences to which, had they had a mentor, they might have acted or react differently – even though they wouldn’t change their lives today.

I found the concept of this amazing. It is a way for me to take negative parts of my past – including the way a used to beat myself up with them – and turn them into something that might benefit someone else.

The truth is we all make our own mistakes, and I daresay that very seldom do we choose wisely. However, I think the wisdom, insight, and the benefit of another person’s experience will at least give us something to think about before we commit ourselves to course of action.

There is healing that comes with NOT rewriting our past, but sharing it as a way for someone to make better decisions about their future

The other night I had to go back to the place I used to call home. I needed to meet Joe Bob there to pick up some papers. I arrived early, and while I was waiting I sat in the car and stared at the house. It is as dark and dreary as I remembered. I couldn’t help thinking about how different – less depressing – the atmosphere of where I currently live is compared to this place.

I tried to think of a time when I was happy there, but nothing came to mind. Sure there were times when I looked happy, but it was not a real happiness. Most of my memories of my life there are filled with feelings of sadness, anger, nervousness, confusion, and fear. What a startling contrast to how I feel now! Not being consumed by those negative feelings has certainly made a difference in my life.

Towards the end of the evening I had an opportunity to pick up a few more of my things. As I stood there staring at everything I left behind, it dawned on me that I felt little to no attachment for most of what I saw. For the most part, I was looking at stuff I no longer wanted. I think I finally realized that holding onto that stuff would be like holding onto my depression – preventing me from continuing to move forward. This revelation felt rather odd. After all, for many years I placed a huge value on all that stuff.

The short amount of time I spent in the house was enough to remind me of how far I’ve come, and how far I want to go. It also reminded me of how thankful I am to be out of that oppressive atmosphere.

I cannot exactly remember the last time I went shopping at the mall. The mall is a difficult place for me to  go. First of all, there are too many people. Second, I have a difficult time shopping there because there are too many choices. I get a little lot overwhelmed when I have too many choices in front of me.

Well, not only have I recently gone to the mall, I went on a Saturday! The worst day of the week to go shopping, a Saturday! Granted, I was only in one store and I stayed in the same department the whole time, but it was still the mall.

I had a Macy’s gift card for $47.74. I wanted to use it to buy something for my mother, so I decided to try to find a really nice purse that would fit within that price range. That was not easy. Some of the purses were several hundreds of dollars, I even saw one that had a $500 price tag. Even the ones that were on sale were more than I could afford. So I spent about an hour and a half wandering through the purses. I must have had a really confused look on my face, because one of the managers asked me if I needed any help. I explained to her I was trying to find a purse that I could use the gift card on, and it was very important that the price not go over what I had on the card. She told me if I found something I wanted to buy, bring it to her and she wouldring it up at the register so I could see how much it was going to be with tax.

Eventually I found a purse that I wanted to take a chance on. I took it to the manager, she rang it up, and it was about four dollars too much. I told her that I would just have to put it back. Well, this manager was really, really nice, she told me she had a coupon that would help me out. By the time she finished applying it, I could afford the purse.

So, in essence, I spent zero dollars on a $90 purse.

Later that same evening, mom and I had a few errands to run. She and I decided that instead of going home and cooking we would get supper from a restaurant and take it home. The restaurant we decided on is a place called Reinhardt’s Oyster Bar, and its theme is “beyond casual dining”.

I was the one who went in to place the order and to wait for it. It was loud in there, and I hate loud noises. I had halfway convinced myself that it would be better for me to wander through the crowded dining room, and head back outside to wait, but I changed my mind. So, I waited at the bar. And I waited, and waited. I amused myself by listening to the guys try and pick up the girls, and watched a drunk customer complain about not getting her bread. Even with all the noise there was no freaking out on my part, I did not even come close to having a panic attack.

I did come close to asking for a non-alcoholic Bloody Mary.

Yesterday, I took another bold step and applied to a college. I also began filling out paperwork to see what federal education grants I might qualify for. Whether I end up at the school I was talking to yesterday and today, or somewhere else, I am going back to school. As of now, I have decided that I am going to major in psychology.