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Monthly Archives: July 2011
There Is a Time for Everything…
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1 – 8
I never gave much thought to the concept that there are seasons in our lives. The way I viewed life was either it was going right – meaning the way I wanted it to – or it was going wrong. I never examined the idea that there are certain times – seasons – in our lives when we are supposed to endure and experience certain things in order to help us grow. I am in a season of loss right now. I have lost relationships, lost my father, and have lost material possessions. There have been times when all of this loss has felt overwhelming. However, I am beginning to realize that within this season of loss there are other seasons.
It certainly has been a time for me to uproot. When I came to mom and dads to stay for good the only possessions I had were what I could fit in to dad’s car. It has been a time for weeping and mourning. However, it has also been a time for laughter and a time for embracing. As painful as it has been, I have learned that it is also time to give up on certain relationships for a while. At the same time, it has been a time for mending some relationships. It has definitely been a time for love and it has also been a time for hate. I hate the way certain people in my life are behaving, and I hate how they treat me. It was not until the other day that I realized that even though I am in the midst of all of this, life still goes on. My sadness, my mourning, and my weeping will not stop that from happening.
It took my mom’s dog to show me that life goes on. Su Ling has been in the midst of her own grief. She has missed dad and her big sister, Mei Ling, immensely. Su Ling always had a special relationship with Mei Ling, and as Mei Ling got older that relationship seemed to intensify. One way that this special relationship manifested itself was in how Su Ling seemed to know that Mei Ling had a difficult time hearing and seeing. If we could not find Mei Ling anywhere it was useless for us to call her by name since she could not hear us; however, Su Ling had a way of helping us find Mei Ling. All we had to do was say, “Where’s Mei Ling?”, and Su Ling would start searching for her. She was very intent in her endeavors to find Mei Ling. Once Su Ling found Mei Ling, she would get excited and start barking. It was a very special bark that she only used after she had found her big sister. In addition to barking, she would often use her body to gently guide Mei Ling to where we were. Obviously, with Mei Ling being gone, we have not seen Sue Ling do that in quite some time. However, that changed the other day.
I knew my dog, Minnie, and Su Ling had been spending quite a bit of time together, but I did not realize how close they had become. The other day, I could not find Minnie anywhere in the house. I assumed that she would be in mom’s bedroom curled up with Su Ling. I stuck my head into mom’s room and asked her if she knew where Minnie was. Su Ling heard me ask about Minnie and began to follow me while I searched. I eventually found Minnie outside lying in the sun. I did not realize that Su Ling had actually been earnestly looking for Minnie. The next thing I know, I heard Su Ling’s special bark and saw her herding Minnie to where I was. She was doing the exact same thing for Minnie that she used to do for Mei Ling. I know she has not forgotten about Mei Ling; however, she has found a way to move past her loss and become close to another creature. She has not allowed her sadness to interfere with life.
I know that there have been plenty of times in this season of loss that I am experiencing, when I have allowed my grief to interfere with life. I find it very interesting that it took a little dog to remind me that life goes on, and I cannot allow myself to get bogged down by my feelings of sadness. It allowed me to see that within this season of loss there is also a season of healing.
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I Don't Care Who Did It
Watching the United States government in action right now is like watching a bunch of kids who have gotten in trouble for breaking something. They are so busy trying to assign blame to each other that the mess is not getting cleaned up. They are all fighting to be right, rather than fighting for what is best for the country. Every time the President or one of his representatives speaks they assign blame. It is the same when the Republicans and Democrats speak. What they are doing is not helpful, nor is it productive. My personal opinion is none of them, including a past President, have clean hands in this mess.
At this point, I don’t care who messed up the budget, got the United States of America in so much debt, or who comes up with the idea/plan to get the US back on track. I don’t even care about the United States losing its credit rating. As far as I’m concerned, in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters. What matters is the fact that our federal government is in a state of chaos. Personally, I think this state of chaos is going to cost our country a lot more than a credit rating. I believe it is going to further damage our already iffy reputation in the world, as well as harm its very own citizens. Part of me feels as if United States of America is on the verge of destroying itself. At the very least, this country will never be the same nor will it ever be as good as it once was.
I think the citizens of this nation have some extremely hard times ahead of them. I realize that life for most of us has not been a picnic the last few years, but I believe things are going to get significantly worse. Already there are thousands of more people looking for work because of the end of the Space Shuttle Program and because Congress failed to pass some much needed legislation with regards to the FAA. People are already angry about their inability to properly take care of their families. In my opinion, that anger is going to get worse and more volatile the longer chaos reigns in our federal government. I would not be surprised if some of the citizens of the US chose to riot in our nation’s capital in a similar fashion, or worse, to the riots that have recently taken place in Greece.
My family – my parents and grandparents – taught me to be proud of the United States. I tried to teach the same thing to my children. The US had a form of government that, for the most part, respected the rights of its citizens and their well-being. It was a government that may not have been liked by other countries but it was respected. I think that is gone. Where does that leave the US?
Helping Mom Make Money
Helping Mom Make Money
After much thought, mom has decided to sell a few things to help generate some extra money. I offered to help by listing a few things on ebay for her. Although I usually do not put money making posts on my blog, I thought that I would this time. After all, it might help my mother out.
The items I have listed on ebay are as follows:
Exceptional Quality Jade Buddha Pendent – This was purchased when she and dad were living in China.
Chinese Gold Coin Pendent – The coin is 24k gold, and the bevel is 14k gold. This was purchased when she and dad were living in China
The Last Full Measure by Jeff Shaara – Signed by Author – Dad had several of Jeff Shaara’s books signed by him at a book signing in Gettysburg. He actually had two copies of this signed book. I was with him when this book was signed.
I would really appreciate it if you would pass this post onto anyone you think might be interested in purchasing these items.
Honoring Our Parents – Write A Tribute
As I mentioned in Honoring Our Parents Is Good For Us and in Honoring Our Parents – Just Do It, honoring our parents is good for us, and we should start doing immediately. I am fully aware that for some of us this is very difficult to do. However, I can tell you that it can be done.
Honoring our parents does not mean we have to grovel, kiss butt, or seek their approval. It is about forgiving them, and having whatever relationship we can have them. It will require that we sacrifice some of our time, either to visit them, call them, or even send them the occasional email or card.
Honoring Our Parents – Give Them A Tribute
When I was listening to James McDonald the other day, he spoke about writing a tribute to our parents. As I listened to him talk about it, and describe what could be put in it, I was inspired to write a tribute to my mother. It was very special for me to write, and watch her face as she read it. It made me feel good to honor her, and know that she was touched by what I wrote.
Writing a tribute to our parents, is a good way to express appreciation for the sacrifices they made for us, and acknowledge any good they did. It is also a great way to tell them that we love them. It is something we can do to honor our parents, no matter how bad our relationships with them are.
Honoring Our Parents – Writing The Tribute
There are a few things we should keep in mind when we write our tributes:
1. Write a tribute to each parent. Do not the tributes into one document.
2. Be honest. Do not fill it full of a bunch flattery, and mushy stuff you do not feel. No one has perfect parents so do not pretend that yours are.
3. Be positive. Focus only on the good. Philippians 4:8 says,
“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable . . . think about these things.”
Focus on the good. If you are having a difficult time thinking of something positive about your parents, pray. God will give you the wisdom to see what you need.
4. Be public. Read your tributes, or at the very least give it to your parents, in front of your children, and your spouse. You will be modeling behavior that will be passed on for many generations.
5. THE TIME IS NOW! Don’t put it off, write your tributes immediately.
If you have a parent/parents that you do not see – for whatever reason – go ahead and write a tribute to them. It will help you release the anger and bitterness you might be feeling for them. Then pray that God gives you a chance to share what your wrote with them.
Honoring out parents is good for us. It helps us heal and to release any anger or bitterness we may be feeling towards them. If we have a good relationship with our parents, a tribute is a way of honoring and them and letting them know how much we appreciate them. Excuses for not doing it are not allowed. Just do it!
When I was researching this topic, I found a great website with a guide for writing a tribute. It is A Step by Step Guide to Writing a Tribute
Previous posts about honoring our parents are Honoring Our Parents Is Good For Us and Honoring Our Parents – Just Do It
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Honoring Our Parents – Just Do It
The time to honor our parents is now. Not tomorrow, not when we feel like it, not when we have the ideal amount of time, the time is now. It will help us heal and move past any negative emotions we associate with our parents, it shows them we love them and quite simply, it is the right thing to do.
Honoring Our Parents Even When We Do Not Feel Like It
As grown-ups, there are many things we do every day that we do not feel like doing. It is part of what being an adult is about. Think about this…there are many times when our own parents did things they did not want to do.
Many of us feel hurt, misunderstood, and neglected by our parents. We need to move past all of that pain. We also need to remember that we are modeling behavior for our children. They will grow-up and treat us the way we treated our parents. In addition, when we cannot make time in our schedules for our parents, or treat them as if they do not have a place of honor in our lives by our actions or words, we are doing something very wrong. First Timothy 5:8 says:
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever
That bible verse is referring to more than just helping financially, it is also referring to giving our time and emotional energy. It is time to honor our parents, even if we do not feel like it.
Honoring Our Parents Even If They Will Not Receive It
Do it anyway. You might be surprised at the response you get from your parents. However, even if there is not a response, keep honoring your parents. We are not honoring them for the “Thank you”, or to hear the words “I appreciate it”, we are honoring our parents because it is the right thing to do. We know it is the right thing to do because the Bible tells us that it is. It is time to honor our parents, even if we think they will not receive it.
Honoring Our Parents Even If They Have Been Abusive
Some of us may have been abused by our parents – emotionally, physically, and sexually. I know that thinking about honoring the person/people who did those horrible things to us seems wrong. However, there are some very good reasons why we should.
1. When we focus on the pain we perpetuate it.
2. When we focus on something good, it very often leads to healing and reconciliation.
3. Honoring on our parents does not mean exposing ourselves to further pain. We do it to be obedient to God and to help ourselves heal.
4. Bitterness and unforgiveness lose their hold on us when we honor our parents.
Honoring our parents is something we should do every day of the year, the time to start is now.
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Honoring Our Parents is Good for Us
There is a pastor by the name of Dr. James McDonald that I enjoy listening to. Mom downloads his podcasts almost every day, and usually plays them in the mornings. One the reasons I like listening to him is because his messages are very applicable to real life situations and issues. The message we listened to on Thursday morning was no exception. It was about honoring our parents, and it really touched me.
Near the beginning of his message, Dr. James McDonald, refers to God’s “top ten list”. This list is actually the Ten Commandments, and he specifically references this commandment;
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you
Dr. James McDonald also pointed out that this commandment is mentioned in both the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that it is the only commandment with a promise.
His message emphasized the importance of honoring our parents, especially in a society like we have now. I am sure you know what I am talking about; we live in a society in which many of us are so focused on self that we forget to or choose not to honor all of our family obligations. Obviously, as a Christian it is important for me to honor my parents, it is one of the Ten Commandments, but James McDonald points out that there is are some very practical purposes in honoring our parents.
Our Parents are not Perfect
None of us have perfect parents. Some of us have parents who were/are just plain horrible. I believe that most of us can probably find many things to be angry with our parents about. Some of that anger is even justified, especially in situations where abuse is involved. However, holding onto that anger is unhealthy. It makes us bitter, negative, and unforgiving. Studies have shown that those negative feelings can be detrimental to our mental and physical health. In addition, when we honor our parents we are setting an example for our own children. By doing this we are teaching them how to honor us as they get older, and we are also teaching them how to let go of their own anger and bitterness toward us as imperfect parents. It is something they can pass onto their own children, and their children’s children, affecting many generations in our families.
No matter how wonderful or how awful our parents were/are, there is a bond between us and them. Sometimes we can go years without speaking to them or seeing them, but that still does not change the fact that they love us, and we love them. Unfortunately, in circumstances like this, nothing will change until someone makes the first move. Dr. James McDonald challenges us to be the one to make that first move.
Just like we long for the love of our parents, they long for our love. They may not be able to express their love for us in the way we want, but they do love us. Just like we can be hurt, so can our parents. In honoring them we are acknowledging the things they did do right, the good advice they gave us, and we are acknowledging their failings, as well as our own.
Some of us have extremely hurtful relationships with our parents. They may have been abusive, emotionally and physically. We still need to honor them, if for no other reason but to let go of any bitterness and anger we might have towards them for our own good.
Three Things Honoring Our Parents Does not Mean
James McDonald points out that there are three things that honoring our parents does not mean.
1. Groveling and seeking their approval.
2. Making yourself vulnerable to their hurtful behavior. You can set appropriate boundaries.
3. Ignoring or denying the past. We should not act as if those issues do not exist, but in order to forgive we cannot let those issues affect our attitudes toward our parents.
Looking at Our Parents from a Different Perspective
Honoring our parents does mean we are:
1. Choosing to highly value our relationship with our parents. We need to drop the attitude that it does not matter to us or them.
2. Taking the initiative to improve our relationship with our parents, in whatever way we can.
3. Recognizing that our parents did do something right. For many of us, it may be difficult to see that our parents did anything right. We might have a difficult time seeing it because of our pain. If we open our hearts up, God will show us what we need to see.
4. Acknowledging the sacrifices they made for us.
5. Viewing them the way Christ does, with compassion and mercy.
6. Forgiving them the way God has forgiven us.
I know some of you are thinking that it is easy for me to write about honoring my parents when I have such a good relationship with mom, and had a good relationship with dad before he died. Our relationships were not always good. In fact, there were times when we would go months without even speaking to each other. For a very long time, mom and I could barely stand to be in the same room with each other.
My parents were not perfect when I was growing up. There were things that happened that hurt me. I was very angry about my way less than perfect childhood. That anger stayed with me for a good portion of my life. The bitterness, and unforgiveness I felt towards my parents clouded every part of my existence. I was a very unhappy person, and I often made the people around me very unhappy as well. The anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness hurt me physically and mentally.
Once I could move past those negative feelings, my life became so much better. I was happier. My depression became easier to manage, and my parents and I were able to repair our relationships. I was doing things to honor my parents, and I discovered that honoring my parents was not the chore I always envisioned it would be. I became mentally and physically healthier.
I want you to know I understand how and why you might be extremely angry with your parents. In order for you to let those unhealthy feelings go, I urge you to find a way to honor them. I promise honoring your parents is good for you!