The Last Day

Today is my last day at my parent’s house. The time spent here has been good for my mental and emotional health. Before I came down here, things had been very tense in my house. My husband and I were getting on each other’s nerves, and both of us were very stressed out. The breathing room that we gained by me being here has allowed both of us to take some time for ourselves. It has also been good for my daughter. Not only have we had a great deal of time together, it has also allowed me to set some boundaries with her. Boundaries with consequences if she does not respect them.

Part of me is glad to be going home. I do miss my own home, and husband. I also have a few things I need to take care of there. However, there is a part of me that is kind of sad to see things come to end. I am not stressed out here, like I am at home. The yucky tension between my husband and myself does not exist here. Even my daughter is being better behaved – it has been much easier for me to set boundaries with her. I really do not want to go back home and enter that world of tension and stress again.

It has not been an extended vacation here. I have been busy, and there have been some days where I worked like crazy. I enjoyed it though. The reason I enjoyed it so much is that no one acted has if it had to be done in a perfect way, nor on any time line but my own. My efforts and work were appreciated, and I did not feel as if whatever I did was not “good enough”. I often feel that way at home.

One of the best feelings I have experienced while I have been here has been LOVE. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that – even at my age – my parents love me very much and I am very important to them. Spending time just talking with my mom and dad has bee nice. One of my favorite parts of every day has been sitting in a chair in my mother’s “sitting room” and just talking to her.

I will be back again in a few weeks. My mother is having another surgery at the end of December and I want to spend some more time with my daughter in law. Since we know what to expect – as far as recovery goes – from my mom’s surgeries now, it will be easier to help her. We will all have a realistic idea of what she will and will not be able to do. It is only about 10 weeks until my granddaughter is due. Since Krystal – daughter in law – has no family out here, I want to make sure I am available to provide her with all the moral support I can. Neither my son, nor her mother will be able to be here when the baby is born, so I have offered to stand in and help her in any way I can.

I have taken a few pictures during my time here. I decided to share some of them with you. Each one represents a good memory.

Freaky Friday Follow

It is time for another Freaky Friday Follow! Here are the rules:
Follow both hosts (we are in spots 1 & 2)-Leave a comment so we can return the follow
Answer the questions
Grab the button
Come back and link up
This week there is only one question:
1-List 6 things you are thankful for!

  1. My mother – she is a remarkable person, and I just love her.
  2. My father – he stayed up past his bedtime, so he could take me to the Emergency Room Monday.
  3. My Daughter In Law – Not only has it been nice to get to know her, she has made me feel as if I am a valuable part of her life.
  4. Hard lessons learned – without them I would not have grown up.
  5. Breathing – My breathing is getting better.
  6. Good memories – I have loved sharing good family members with my daughter in law.

National Survivors of Suicide Day

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. It is a day of healing, and remembrance for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The survivor community comes together – every year – on the Saturday before Thanksgiving for support, healing, information and empowerment. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention organizes conferences, online events and other activities to take place on this day. You can find more information about the conferences and online events AFSP has organized here 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day.

On a more personal note…It has been a year and half since I tried to kill myself. When I attempted to take my own life, I was so sad, hopeless and miserable. I really believed that death was my only option. It has been the struggle of a lifetime to change my thinking, and believe that I am worthy of having hope, happiness, and life. For many months after my attempt, I was angry that I had not died. Now, I am thankful that I am alive.

My choice to die has been hard on my family. It has taken them a great deal of time to come to terms with the fact that someone they loved, did not want to live anymore. Several months ago, I asked my mother and daughter a series of questions about their thoughts and feelings when they found out that I had tried to kill myself. I felt it was important for me to know what they had gone through, and also share it with other people who might be thinking about suicide. Even though we feel as if we are alone, we are not. Our desire to die – and the actions we take to make it happen – has a real and devastating affect on our families, friends, and anyone who cares about us.

Here are the links to my mother’s and daughter’s interviews about my suicide attempt, and depression.

My Daughter Speaks Out

My Mother’s Point of View

Day 3 – Blog Journal

In today’s Blog Journal entry I was supposed to describe my idea of a perfect date. That would have required more effort than I felt like putting into a journal entry. So, I went in an entirely different direction.

This morning – when I woke up – I was greeted by something that I found extremely funny. It was ME! I even took a picture. You get to see me in all my morning glory, bad bed hair, no make up, and pajamas. Enjoy!

Day 2 – Blog Journal

In today’s journal entry I am supposed to post a picture of something I ate. That turned out to be a little tricky. I started my morning out with my favorite coffee – caramel truffle…..

I was going to eat something semi-healthy, but then I realized I was not hungry and did not want to eat….

My daughter and I ran out to the store, and of course that is when I got hungry so I ended up eating a cheeseburger toaster from Sonic….

I had a whole lot of fun doing today’s journal entry!

Day 1 – Blog Journal

This is Day 1 of the 30 Day Blog Journal. Today I am supposed to post a photo of myself and describe how my day has been.

I took a photo of me giving myself a breathing treatment. I have more of  a wheeze than I did yesterday, and I do not feel quite as I good as I did yesterday. I am still taking my oral steroids, but I might have to go back and get another IV steroid treatment. Despite not feeling physically all that great, I do feel good mentally. I am still breathing better than I was before I went to the ER. Since I have to take some down time due to my breathing, I am able to catch up on all my writing, tweeting, and Facebooking I was missing when I was so busy.

30 Day Blog Journal

I totally stole this terrific idea from Margaret at The World As I See It! I really liked the ideas presented in this mini journal, and made the decision to copy it.

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag.

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Day 25 – What’s in your purse?

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how you changed since then?

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

So Much Better!

As much as I did not want to, I went to the University Hospital of Augusta’s Emergency Room Monday night. I am so glad that I did! I did not have to wait long before I was taken back into the Emergency Department and the nurses started treating me as soon as I was settled. Every one of the staff I encountered was very nice, professional and efficient. My dad is the one who drove me there, and despite my efforts to kick him out – so he could go home and rest – he stayed.

Before the doctor saw me – even before respiratory had a chance to show up – a nurse administered a breathing treatment, my vitals were assessed, blood was drawn, an IV was started, and I was giving Solu-Medrol (Steroids) through the IV. I was very impressed with how quickly they started to implement procedures to make me feel better. Not long after all of those things were done, I was taken to x-ray and some chest x-rays were taken. Having chest x-rays when you are short of breath, wheezing and have chest tightness are normal. It is the way a doctor can determine if your symptems are being caused by either pneumonia or bronchitis.

After I came back from x-ray – nothing wrong showed up in the x-rays that were taken – I was given another breathing treatment. I was feeling rather discouraged and thinking that I might have to be admitted. I just did not feel as if my breathing was any better. My oxygen saturation levels were still acceptable, however, in an asthmatic those numbers can be misleading. In every asthma flare I have had, my oxygen levels have always stayed within acceptable levels. At the stage of the flare I am usually in when I seek help, my biggest problem is not that I cannot get air in, it is trying to expel the used up air. The stuff with all the carbon dioxide in it. That is why things like a peak flow meter are a must have for asthmatics. They are a simple device that we can use to get an idea of how much our lungs are able to clean themselves out when they exhale.

My dad was great! It seemed like it was taking so long for me to feel better, and it was getting very late. My father gets up very early for work, and I knew he was getting tired. Every once in a while he would doze off – while watching a football game – in one of those hard hospital chairs. He did leave the room – it sort of looked like he was running – when the nurse who started my IV had to stick me more than once to get the IV started. Dad hates that part. My mother and I are hard sticks and he knows that sometimes it can take a great many attempts to get IV’s started on us. At one point, he wandered off and came back with a bag of ruffles – cheddar and sour cream flavor. After he ate those he dozed off again. I was messing around with my phone and started to hear a rustling sound. When I looked up, dad was pulling a decent sized bag of Reeses Pieces out of his back pocket. He had gotten those out of the snack machine too.

Knowing that I could be there for a long time, I kept trying to get dad to leave. I told him I could call him whenever I was discharged, and that way he might be able to get some decent sleep at the house. No matter how much I tried to convince him I was fine in the ER by myself he would not leave. After a while, I gave up. I thought I was stubborn, my dad is definitely more stubborn than I am. I did think it was very sweet and considerate of him to want to stay there with me.

When my breathing started to improve, it was like it happened instantly. Once second I was chugging away – wheezing and miserable – the next second my chest felt less tight, there was barely any wheeze, and my agitation – from having to work so hard to breathe – had gone away. Shortly after that, a nurse and the doctor came in with some discharge papers and a prescription for prednisone (oral steroids).  I can honestly say, that when I left that emergency room I felt better than I had in several days.

I am still feeling better. I still have a slight wheeze, but it may take me going through the whole course of my oral steroids before that improves. Or, if things do not get better, then I might have to go back to that ER and get some more IV steroids. I am okay with either way it plays out. The care I received there was very good.

As a diabetic, steroids cause me problems. They raise my blood glucose levels extremely high. Yesterday, my morning reading was close to 500. I quickly gave myself an insulin injection, and upped my dose of long lasting insulin last night. My morning blood glucose reading was much better this morning, 169. That was before I took my dose of oral steroids, so I am sure it will go up from there, but it does appear as if I am doing a fairly decent job keeping my blood glucose levels close to normal.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to Babys R Us, with my daughter in law. It may have been too much walking too soon. I got very short of breath, and my mother picked me up so I could go back to the house and rest.  I also did some Wii Sword Fighting with my daughter. That was not the wisest decision I have ever made.

As I write this, I can feel my wheeze picking back up. I am not totally surprised. I half expected this to happen. Very often I need several days worth of IV steroids to stop an asthma flare. I will keep taking the oral steroids and if things are still like this when I finish the taper, then I will let a doctor look at me again.

Asthma really plays a huge role in my mental health. When you cannot breath properly, it makes you extremely anxious, and agitated. Not too mention, days and days of working so hard to breathe, really can bring your mood down. I work very hard during times like this to find positives, as well as things to laugh about so that my mood can stay up beat. I am not always successful, but at least I always try.

One of my favorite Asthma Sites is Breathin Stephen. If want to learn more about Asthma and how it affects a person, I suggest taking a look at his blog.

Feeling Slightly Better

I woke up this morning feeling better than I did yesterday. My asthma is still flaring, but my chest is not as tight as it was yesterday. The other thing that I have noticed is that my whole body seems more relaxed than it did yesterday. When I cannot breathe properly, I get agitated and restless. That is how I was feeling most of yesterday. I kept walking around and moving to relieve the agitation I was feeling.

If I can keep things moving in this positive direction, I might be able to get through this flare without a trip to the hospital. That is what I am hoping for anyway.

I probably tend to wait longer than I should to go to the hospital. I always feel as if I need to try everything I can at home before I make a trip to the ER. For some reason, it feels like I am wasting the time of the ER staff, with my – silly – breathing problems. I know logically, not being able to breathe well is something I should have checked out earlier than I usually do, but I still resist that ER trip.

It seems like every year – this time of year – I have asthma flares. I did not always have an asthma diagnosis. It was around this time of year – about three years ago – that I was diagnosed. That was my very first hospital stay for something other than having a baby. I am working hard to keep from ending up in the hospital this winter. However, I am also trying to be rational about it and acknowledge that there are times when I might just need to go.

Around the time I was diagnosed with asthma, my depression kicked into high gear. I do not think the asthma is solely responsible for triggering the depression, but I do think it may have exacerbated it. I did not handle my asthma diagnosis well, and became convinced that my life was going to be forever, negatively affected by it. This attitude was reinforced by the fact that my doctor and I had such a difficult time getting the asthma under some sort of control. Now, when I have an asthma flare, my mental and emotional attitude about it is much different. I believe having a better attitude about living with asthma has helped to keep it from having as negative of an impact on my life as I initially thought it would.