Monthly Archives: February 2010

Depresion and Marriage

Posted on by
Reply
Photobucket

  Is it possible to maintain a marriage when one spouse has major depression, especially major depression that lasts for years? The statistics are certainly not encouraging.  Marriages with a depressed loved one are nine times more likely to end in divorce.  Add this number to the 60% divorce rate we already have, and it seems to me that most marriages where there is a depressed spouse do not survive. 


One of the key elements of a marriage is the give and take that is supposed to exist between the married couple.  There are times when it is not an equal give and take between the spouses, one having to give more than the other, but ultimately there is always a give and take.  This is not the case in a marriage where one of the marriage partners is dealing with a case of long term, major depression.  




The spouse without the depression will often find themselves picking up more and more of the slack.  Taking care of things that would normally be done by the other spouse.  In the short term, this works out OK, however, as the depression drags on and on, and the one spouse is continuing to be stretched thin taking care of things, a certain amount of resentment and frustration starts to build.

The more the depression the goes on the more resentment and frustration build up.  I know that my husband expressed to me more than once that he felt like a single parent, when I was at my worst.  In addition to feeling like a single parent, there was the added pressure of worrying about me and making sure I was OK. 




Accepting that the problem is depression is half the battle for both spouses.  It is easy to blame outside sources for why your spouse is in such pain.  Before I started getting treatment for my depression my husband felt the sole reason I was acting the way I was, was because of how my son left our home. He did not understand that the depression had been there before that incident, and the incident just made it worse.  




Depression affects not only the person with the diagnosis, but it affects the marriage as a whole.  Especially if the depression goes untreated.  Before my depression was diagnosed and I started the recovery process, my husband thought that I did not love him anymore.  From his perspective, I was withdrawn, distant, and did not want to have anything to do with him.  He felt hurt and taken advantage of, because I was incapable of helping him around the house.  Our marriage was already under strain by the time I started therapy.  




Then the things I was learning and doing as a result of the therapy added more stress to our marriage.  As far as my husband was concerned the outcome of my therapy was far from what he expected.  It has taken him some time to come to grips with the fact that I will not be the person he married. 

Both people, not just the one with depression need a support system.  It is imperative that even the person without depression has good support to help them through the rough patches.  It is also important that both spouses work together on plans and other things that will give both parties guidelines to follow during the recovery process.  A support system also can help the married couple identify when thing are not gong a well. 


I personally think that it is possible to maintain a marriage when one of the spouses is living with severe depression.  However, it is a unique challenge that requires both parties to make the effort to keep the marriage together.  


One of the things I used to do was to write contracts with my husband about things I would or would not do.  An example is, shortly after I tried to commit suicide, my husband was asked to work out of town.  He was hesitant about going because he was afraid that I would try to kill myself again, I was still having suicidal thoughts.  We came up with two solutions that made it so he felt like he could work out of town.  First, I actually wrote a contract between me and him that stated that I would not try and kill myself during the time he was out of town.  Also, knowing how I would isolate myself to attempt suicide, we decided I would stay at my grandmother’s house while he was out of town.

As far as my mine and my husband’s marriage is concerned, things are still a long way from perfect.  However, each of us is trying as hard as we can to keep it together.  We are also taking more time to understand how my depression has affected us from each other’s point of view.  


I try really hard on my bad days to show him affection and tell him I love him, so he does not feel that I do not appreciate all the things he does for me.  I can tell he is trying very hard to not become frustrated when I have a bad day and can not be the marriage partner he needs. 

I also make a concerted effort to not think about those statistics.  I feel like if I pay attention to them too much, then I am allowing them to pigeonhole my marriage into one of the failures.  I want to keep my mind on my marriage surviving and thriving.

Aha! And Less Stress

Posted on by
Reply
Photobucket
One of my biggest frustrations in my depression recovery, is a perceived lack of support from my husband at times.  He did not understand how the recovery process worked and I was not understanding of how hard the last few years have been on him.  There have been times when both of us thought our marriage would not survive the added stress of my depression recovery.  
My husband had it in his head that as soon as the correct medication had been found for me and I had been in therapy long enough, I would very quickly pull myself out of “this deprssion”.  I have tried so many times to explain to him that it was not that easy, and that my medication really took its toll on me.  He just could not understand it.  Not for a lack of trying, but I think it is one of those things that you need to see or experience yourself before you can understand. 

Over the weekend, my husband happened to be home several times when it was time for me to take my medications.  He was able to finally witness for the first time, how I am before I take my medications, and how I am afterwards.  He finally had the Aha moment I had been waiting for.  

He realized that some of my not wanting to do things away from the house, is due to how sleepy the medications make me feel.  He saw me go from a wide awake person to someone who could barely keep their eyes open.  


I feel much less stress now.  I am not feeling like I am not performing to someone else’s expectations and I no longer have those “I am a slacker” feelings.  I feel like another weight has been lifted off of me.  


My husband even went so far as to discuss with me about whether or not my medications needed to be changed again, based on how sleepy they make me.  For the first time I was able to explain to him that most of the medications for depression will cause me to be that sleepy.  I also was able to tell him that I did not want to change medications.  I was able to tell him how bad my depression made me feel physcially, before we found this combination of medication and how I was not willing to take a chance on going back to that.  If we started messing with the medications there would be a good chance I would go back to physical and mental state.  


I really hope this state of understanding lasts.  I hope that me having less stress will last.  I believe with this better understanding, that my husband and I have a better chance of making it through the difficult times ahead. 

Thirteen Things I Love About My Daughter

Posted on by
Reply
Thursday Thirteen

Photobucket

My list of thirteen this week is thirteen things I love about my daughter.

1.  Anna is very smart.

2.  Anna is very compassionate.

3.  Anna loves animals.

4.  Anna is funny.

5.  Anna is strong.

6.  Anna stands up for herself.

7.  Anna is a good person.

8.  Anna is very helpful.

9.  Anna has set wonderful goals for her life.

10.  Anna has self confidence.

11.  Anna likes to help people.

12.  Anna tells me she loves me….a lot

13.  Anna is a special and unique person.

I Would Use My Big Book Of Pirate Insults

Posted on by
Reply
Photobucket
Welcome to the February 4th version of Thursday Thunks!
(which we always seem to post on Wednesday)
Where we make you think a little bit before you blog!

We pick a subject, and your job is to interpret it anyway you want. Write about it on your blog… simple as that. Maybe you can interpret it as a picture – we don’t care!
This week we will answer some crazy questions brought to you by Kimber, the color of doom, and the number 999.

1. You walk into a room, someone turns and looks at you and laughs. What do you do?

I walk back out the door and leave.

2. You find an egg, take it home and keep it warm. It hatches. What type of dinosaur is it? Do you keep it and name?

Knowing how things usually work for me, it will be something that likes to eat people.  No, I would not keep it.  I have too many animals as it is.


3. Which superhero would you want to be related to and why?
I would like to be related to one of the Wonder Twins.  I just always thought it was cool that they had these neat rings and could touch them together and say “Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!”

4. A drunken sailor comes up to you on the pier…he begins harassing you in a most repulsive way….what’ll be your defense?
I would use my big book of pirate insults to humilate him.  He would end up curling up into the fetal position because of my witty insults and then I could make my get away.

5. Entering a CLASS A piano bar, you’re encouraged to sing atop the grand instrument…you grab the microphone and sing…..
The Cuppy Cake Song.  It is the only song I can remember right now.

6. If you were a character in a Dr. Seuss book/movie, who would you be and why?
I would be the Grinch.   Not really sure why except he seems sad like me.

7. If you have just been called to be a substitute in the Winter Olympics for your country (apparently everyone else was busy), what sport(s) will you compete in?
I would participate in the one where you ride a sled really fast down a tube thing.  I think it is called bob sledding.

8. Did the audience from the piano bar in question #5 applaud when you were done with your song?

No, I was thrown out.

Questions 4 & 5 were contributed by Hootin’ Anni. Thanks Anni! If you would like to submit your own TT questions, email us at thursdaythunks@gmail.com

That Comment Is Marked for Deletion…

Posted on by
Reply
Photobucket

This morning I read a couple of blogs that sparked my interest.  They were both about censorship on blogs.  Censorship? can be found on The Krazy Train, and it is written from the point of view that censorship in any form on a blog is wrong.  The Right To Comment written by Nile Flores on Blondish.net  approaches this topic from a different point of view.


It seems the author of Censorship? had recently commented on a post on a friend’s blog.  For some reason, that she is not aware of, the owner of that blog deleted her comment.  She was incredibly hurt by the actions of that blog owner and felt that she was being censored because that blog owner may not have disagreed with what she said.  She feels that this was counter to the usual behavior exhibited by that blog owner because in her opinion she feels that blog owner enjoyed the “challenge” of debating with people who held different views.  She also feels that the right of free speech gives anyone the right to say what they want, where they want, when the want. 


On the flip side the author of Blondish.net is of the opinion that a blog owner has the final say of what comments are allowed or not allowed on their site.  Regardless of the relationship between the author and commenter.  She ended her post with two questions, “What is your opinion about comment policies” and “Do you have a comment policy for your web site”


I personally think comment policies are a good idea.  It allows the author and commenter to be on the same page about what is appropriate for a comment and what is not.  My current comment policy is rather vague.  Basically, it says if I do not like your comment, I will delete it.  I probably should make it a little more specific so that there are no future misunderstandings.  


My personal opinion about the first blog author and her taking offense at the fact that her comment was deleted is this…We have no idea why it was deleted and she should really ask the person why.  I do suspect, however, that it may have been done in a hostile tone.  She used the word “challenged”, as in her friend liked the challenge of debating different opinions.  To me, the word challenged used in that context is hostile and it is very possible that when she wrote her comment she used challenging (hostile) words that the blog owner took offense too. It is possible that the author did not want that kind of “challenge” on her blog.  


I personally love a good debate, and not everyone’s blog that I read posts things I agree with, just like I am sure there are things I post that not everyone agrees with.  The long and short of it is I consider my blog my personal space.  I will only allow certain types of attitudes exhibited here.  If someone feels the need to be hostile and “challenge” me on my blog, then their comment will be marked for deletion. If someone posts a comment on my blog that disagrees with what I posted, I expect them to do so with respect, so that an intelligent, reasonable discussion can take place.   I could be wrong but I assume that many other blog owners feel the same way.


To carry on the discussion, What is your opinion about comment policies?  Do you have a comment policy for you blog?



I Am The Flakiest Snowflake In My Life

Posted on by
Reply


Baby, it’s cold outside! I have snow on the brain and ice on the windshield. Ten and twenty degree temperatures doth not a happy Queen make. But I have plans to keep warm, that is, unless the power fails in which case I’m doomed. I really am in the midst of a snowstorm this week but many of you are not. You must get creative and use your imagination. It’s a blog blizzard! I’m here to test your survival skills or at least make you laugh. Here’s how it plays. Good luck.

1. An unexpected blizzard occurs. The power goes out for 10 days. There is no food in the house, no gas in the car, no heat, no TV, no computer, nada! You are snowed in and can’t get to the store for supplies. How would you survive? How would you get out of this mess?


I would use the wood stove for heat and our oil lanterns for light.  My husband and the neighbor would go hunting for food.  We would also eat snow.  Lots and lots of snow.  There is no way I would get out of the mess.  We would be stuck there.  Most likely though, my husband and neighbor would walk to the closest store for some supplies for us.  The neighbor’s wife and I and my daughter would gather around the wood stove.  

2. Tell us about your last snowball fight.


The kids and I ambushed my husband when he came home from work.  Even though it was three against one, he still ended up winning. 
3. You have been asked to make a snowman. What is his name?

Fred, his name would be Fred.  For some reason I just like the name Fred.

4. I have mountains of snow outside my door. I would like to make snow soup. What is the recipe?

The first thing you do is if there is anyone at your house, you ask them to contribute to the soup.  Then you slowly heat your snow, until it is thoroughly melted.  After that you send someone out to find a rather smooth stone.  Clean the stone and then put it in your soup.  After that you change the name of your soup to Stone Soup, and it should turn out good.

5. It is Day 5 of the Big Blog Blizzard. You have been hunkered down for a very long time and in danger of losing your sanity. Your blog neighbors (that would be us) come callin’ to see if you’re OK. We peek in the window. What do we see?
What are you doing in there?

I am gnawing on my stone from my soup, trying to get the lasts bits of flavor from it.

6. Who is the flakiest snowflake in your life?
Past or present.

I would have to say that I am the flakiest snowflake in my life.  After I am the one who has been in the loony bin.
7. You are Snow White. Which dwarf is your favorite and why?

Sleepy is my favorite dwarf.  He is cute and cuddly and sleeps a lot like I do.

8. What is the most fun you’ve ever had inside during a snowstorm?

My answer is boring, doing puzzles and reading.

9. What was Jack Frost nipping at?

My nose

10. Due to blobal warming (that’s blog + global for all you non-blog speakers) your snowman has prematurely melted. What was his last request?

To not turn him into any kind of soup

Hey Mom! Guess What?!

Posted on by
Reply
Photobucket
I have a thirteen year old daughter I love very much.  Her name is Anna. She is very smart, pretty, and fun to be around.  She also can and does make me incredibly insane often.  
Starting a few months ago, the question “Guess what, mom?” became something that could be heard around my house multiple times a day.  When it first started happening, I thought Anna had done something that she was proud of and wanted to share it with me.  Trying to be a good and interested mom, I would always answer with “What?”  She would always answer with “Chicken Butt!”

Photobucket

This happened over and over.  To be honest I found it extremely annoying.  Finally, I quit responding to “Guess what, mom?”  It was the only thing I could think of to stop the repeated asking of that question.

She changed tactics, she would go a week or so without asking it.  I would let down my guard and think she had passed out of that phase.  Out of the blue, and at unexpected times, she would again say “Guess what, mom?”  Because a few weeks had passed since the last time she asked it, I would not suspect I was falling into her trap again.   I would answer with “What?”  Once again “Chicken Butt” could be heard echoing through the house. 
Every few weeks she would pull her guess what routine and every few weeks I would fall for it.  Eventually, I did reach a point where I just could not take it anymore so once again I quit responding to the craziness.  

Anna went back to saying “Guess what, mom?” everyday.  I would always refuse to respond.  I was determined not to fall for it anymore and I was determined to not allow my child to push my buttons that much anymore.  However, I had seriously under estimated my child’s determination.

After a full day of “Guess what?” and my constant no’s, Anna implemented her new strategy.  She would look at me with a sincere, and wounded face, and say “Mom, I had something else to tell you instead of chicken butt”  Of course, I was appalled at myself for hurting her feelings by not taking the time to hear her exciting news.  In an effort to right the wrong I had committed, I would then say “What?”, only to be immediately blasted with “Chicken Butt!!!!”

It was at this point I had to concede my defeat.  Anna had won the chicken butt war.  From that point on, I would respond to “Guess what? with my “What?” every single time.  It actually became second nature and quite boring.  We finally quit hearing “Guess what” around the house.  

I was relieved.  I was so happy her game had finally run its course and she was done with it.  Yeah, right!  She had come up with a new strategy during that no “chicken butt” time.

Once again horrible sounding “Guess what, mom?”  came out of her mouth.  I responded with “No, Anna”.  That is when she started playing dirty.  When I would tell her no, she would respond with “But, Mom….I was just going to tell you I love you.”  Of course I fell for it, and you can guess the outcome, “Chicken butt!”


She is sneaky though.  Very, very sneaky.  Sometimes instead of saying “Chicken Butt”, she actually says “Mom, I love you”.  Which means I am currently caught in her “Chicken Butt” trap.  How can I say no to “Guess what, mom? “, when her response might be “Mom, I love you”.



I have had to implemented my own strategy.  When she says “Guess what, mom?”, instead of the usual response of “What?”, I respond with “I love you”.   I think my strategy is working.  Just yesterday when she tried her routine, and I answered with my new response, she seemed very disappointed.  She replied with “Aww, mom, I was going to say chicken butt”.

Photobucket

As much as I hate to admit this, the whole “chicken butt” thing has become a funny memory for me.  I think it will be one of those memories that when Anna gets older she and I can laugh about it together.  The other thing about this crazy game Anna has been playing with me, is that even on my bad mental health days, it was causing me to think about other things besides my own misery.  Either I was thinking about how crazy she was making me because she would not stop, or I was thinking about ways to get her to stop.  

I am not sure if that was her intention when she started the game or not.  She is a smart kid, so it very well could have been.  Either way I think she is gifted in her ability to distract people from the things that are making them feel bad.  


I also think her silly game has caused us to be closer.  Because I am responding with “I love you”, every time she tries to “chicken butt” me, I am saying “I love you” to her way more than I used to.  I am sure that is making her feel more loved than she has in the last few years when my depression was so out of control.  The “I love you” and those shared memories are things that will make our emotional ties much stronger. 

Why Would I Even Want to?

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

I recently read a couple of blog posts that made me think about my struggles with major depression and an anxiety disorder over the last few years.  The first was written by Staci Shelton of  Love, Staci, called U-Turns Allowed.  In it she suggests that it is possible to make a u-turn if we find our life heading in a direction that we never intended.  The second was called Can you Turn It Around written by Bonita Summers.  In her post she puts forth the idea that it is impossible to make a u-turn in life because if we managed to get out of the not good situation, some of what we experienced sticks to us, changing who we are.


In my personal opinion, I believe that there is no going back.  Like Ms. Summers, I believe those things we have experienced change us.  I believe those changes can be positive or negative.  

Thinking about it from the point of view of a depressed person, some of my depression is a result of things that changed who I was when I was a child and as a young adult.  Those experiences effected their changes emotionally, and chemically in my brain.  


My experiences stuck with me and I was the exact opposite of what I envisioned for myself.  My reality did not fit with what I dreamed.  In my dreams the person I wanted to be was someone who was full of confidence, and had a positive outlook on life.  


My experience with major depression and an anxiety disorder has also left its mark on me as well.  Three years of being in a deep, dark depression would leave its mark on anyone.  An almost successful suicide attempt, some time in a mental institution, and therapy since May have also changed me. 



I am still not the person I envisioned in my dreams.  I have resigned myself to the fact I never will be.  Nor do I want to turn around and get a “re-do” on any part of my life.  Why would I even want to? Unless I could go all the way back to the beginning, before certain life experiences changed me, there would be no point.  If I made a u-turn to go back and do over any portion of my life, I would still end up making the same mistakes because the core issues that caused me to mess things up would still be there.  I do not even want to be the person I was before my depression.  That person was not healthy or happy.  


I suppose one could make an argument that if you could make a u-turn in your life you could go back and make right the things you did wrong.  I would not want to do that either.  How sincere would my apology or acts of contrition actually be, if I had not truly suffered from the consequences of my past bad actions?


The long and short of it, is that I believe u-turns are impossible.  What we can hope to achieve instead is a better understanding for what led us to make poor decisions, and cause us to get off track in life.  Then we can take that information and make better decisions in the future. 

Picture Of The Day – February 1st, 2010

Posted on by
Reply
The last few years of having a mom who was “checked out” due to severe depression has been hard on my daughter, Anna. In an effort to try and rebuild that relationship and because she really enjoys taking pictures, she was given a page in my blog to show off her pictures. All the pictures you will see in this section, will have been taken by my daughter. I personally think she does an awesome job.

Anna enjoys see any feedback anyone has about her pictures, so if you like what you see here, why not leave her a comment and let her know.
 
Photobucket