Category Archives: Divorce

Trapped

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I have been feeling trapped. Part of me feels like I am stuck in a situation I cannot escape from. I have let it make me feel depressed, and anxious. All I want is to be able to move forward with my life, but I feel like I cannot because of the horrible, destructive thing I am tethered to.

I had high hopes that the consultation I had with an attorney on Monday would help alleviate some of that trapped feeling. It did not. In fact, I left the attorney’s office feeling much worse than when I had gone in. Not only was the trapped feeling stronger, I felt as if I was the world’s worst parent.

I know that I have not been the parent to my daughter that I have needed to be, and not just because of the years of depression. I was not a healthy person, and I was not a healthy parent.  I have worked very hard during my depression treatment to change how I parent, and do a better job with/for my child. I wish that I had more time with my daughter – in order to show her that I can be the type of mom she deserves.

The attorney made it very clear to me what he thought of me as a parent. He also told me that the courts would not see me as someone having an illness. Instead, my years of depression would be viewed as just me being a bad parent. Hearing someone say that to me made me feel absolutely devastated. I feel absolutely horrible for having done such a great dis-service to my child. As he continued to talk a sinking feeling developed in my stomach when I realized that getting a divorce is not going to be the easy thing that I thought it would be.

When I left the attorney’s office all I wanted to do was escape. I was on the verge of having a full blown panic attack, and my thoughts started sliding in a direction they have not gone in for a long time. I knew that I needed to reach out for some extra support, so I went to my counselor’s office.

My counselor was able to slide some things around, and spend a great deal of time with me. She gave me two names of attorneys that are “mental illness friendly”. Meaning they do a great deal of work with people who have mental health issues, and might be a better fit for me. In our conversation, she reminded me that in the past – when I felt trapped – I attempted to take my own life. She went on to let me know that since that time I had not experienced that feeling so I have not had the opportunity to apply any new tools to resolve it. She told that it was not surprising that my thoughts went in that direction. She pointed out that this time when I had those thoughts, I reached out for help rather than let them take hold in my mind. I cannot say that I felt better when I left the counselor’s office, but I did feel supported and my anxiety levels were greatly decreased. I think I mostly felt emotionally drained, and worn out.

When I left the counselor’s office, I headed back to my Grandmother’s house. I spent most of the rest of the day, and night in bed – sleeping on and off. I realize that was a type of escape. It was a way for me to avoid some of what was going on, and how it was making me feel. However, I am okay with my decision to do that. I felt so physically drained because of being emotionally worn out that I needed to do that. When I woke up Tuesday morning I felt refreshed, and in better control of my thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no reason I have to rush, and make decisions. It is okay for me to take my time to find the right attorney. There is no rule stating that I have to start divorce proceedings now. Maybe taking my time – instead of rushing to decisions – is better for me. I think it might help keep me from feeling trapped, and overwhelmed.

Depresion and Marriage

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  Is it possible to maintain a marriage when one spouse has major depression, especially major depression that lasts for years? The statistics are certainly not encouraging.  Marriages with a depressed loved one are nine times more likely to end in divorce.  Add this number to the 60% divorce rate we already have, and it seems to me that most marriages where there is a depressed spouse do not survive. 


One of the key elements of a marriage is the give and take that is supposed to exist between the married couple.  There are times when it is not an equal give and take between the spouses, one having to give more than the other, but ultimately there is always a give and take.  This is not the case in a marriage where one of the marriage partners is dealing with a case of long term, major depression.  




The spouse without the depression will often find themselves picking up more and more of the slack.  Taking care of things that would normally be done by the other spouse.  In the short term, this works out OK, however, as the depression drags on and on, and the one spouse is continuing to be stretched thin taking care of things, a certain amount of resentment and frustration starts to build.

The more the depression the goes on the more resentment and frustration build up.  I know that my husband expressed to me more than once that he felt like a single parent, when I was at my worst.  In addition to feeling like a single parent, there was the added pressure of worrying about me and making sure I was OK. 




Accepting that the problem is depression is half the battle for both spouses.  It is easy to blame outside sources for why your spouse is in such pain.  Before I started getting treatment for my depression my husband felt the sole reason I was acting the way I was, was because of how my son left our home. He did not understand that the depression had been there before that incident, and the incident just made it worse.  




Depression affects not only the person with the diagnosis, but it affects the marriage as a whole.  Especially if the depression goes untreated.  Before my depression was diagnosed and I started the recovery process, my husband thought that I did not love him anymore.  From his perspective, I was withdrawn, distant, and did not want to have anything to do with him.  He felt hurt and taken advantage of, because I was incapable of helping him around the house.  Our marriage was already under strain by the time I started therapy.  




Then the things I was learning and doing as a result of the therapy added more stress to our marriage.  As far as my husband was concerned the outcome of my therapy was far from what he expected.  It has taken him some time to come to grips with the fact that I will not be the person he married. 

Both people, not just the one with depression need a support system.  It is imperative that even the person without depression has good support to help them through the rough patches.  It is also important that both spouses work together on plans and other things that will give both parties guidelines to follow during the recovery process.  A support system also can help the married couple identify when thing are not gong a well. 


I personally think that it is possible to maintain a marriage when one of the spouses is living with severe depression.  However, it is a unique challenge that requires both parties to make the effort to keep the marriage together.  


One of the things I used to do was to write contracts with my husband about things I would or would not do.  An example is, shortly after I tried to commit suicide, my husband was asked to work out of town.  He was hesitant about going because he was afraid that I would try to kill myself again, I was still having suicidal thoughts.  We came up with two solutions that made it so he felt like he could work out of town.  First, I actually wrote a contract between me and him that stated that I would not try and kill myself during the time he was out of town.  Also, knowing how I would isolate myself to attempt suicide, we decided I would stay at my grandmother’s house while he was out of town.

As far as my mine and my husband’s marriage is concerned, things are still a long way from perfect.  However, each of us is trying as hard as we can to keep it together.  We are also taking more time to understand how my depression has affected us from each other’s point of view.  


I try really hard on my bad days to show him affection and tell him I love him, so he does not feel that I do not appreciate all the things he does for me.  I can tell he is trying very hard to not become frustrated when I have a bad day and can not be the marriage partner he needs. 

I also make a concerted effort to not think about those statistics.  I feel like if I pay attention to them too much, then I am allowing them to pigeonhole my marriage into one of the failures.  I want to keep my mind on my marriage surviving and thriving.