Confusing. Drama. Unclear. Mean. Vile. Vindictive. These are just a few of the words to describe what it has been like lately whenever I have to interact with Joe Bob – click on Joe Bob’s name to find out who he is. On one day he can be so vile, and vindictive in what he says to me that I wonder how I could have ever married someone so mean, then the next day he is acting super sweet, and caring. As soon as I say something, or answer one of his questions in a way he does not like then he is back to being nasty again. It has  become a familiar pattern.

Obviously, I have no job, and no money coming in. The computer I have is still being paid off. Joe Bob agreed to make the payments for me. He has made a few – which I greatly appreciate, however, if he decides that it is not convenient for him, then he will often choose not to. I suspect he is using the fact that I need him to do this as a way to try to continue exerting some type of control over me. Two weeks ago, once again I received a phone call from the “computer people” letting me know that he had not made a payment, and once again my account was behind. I called him to find out what was going on. It turns out he had a legitimate reason why he had not followed through with a payment.

Joe Bob drives a logging truck. With the icy, bad weather that we have been having here, he has not been able to work much. It has also been difficult for him to even get out of the driveway of the house. I can, and do understand things like that. Unfortunately, rather than believe that I understood he went off on me during the phone conversation. I did not say much to him while he was ranting, raving, and being nasty mean. More than once he referred to my mental illness, and how unfair that has made his life. He cussed at me. Made threats. Referred to me as a lazy, good for nothing person, and let me know how miserable I have made his life. At some point, – when he paused to take a breath – I asked him why he was being so vindictive. He never could answer that question. His response was to hurl more insults and threats at me.

One of Joe Bob’s threats was to tell me that he was going to file this year’s income tax return without my name on it. Not separate but married, he was just going to file it as if he were not married at all. I told him to “go for it”. Then when I filed down here as separate but married, the IRS would see an issue with our income tax papers, and investigate both of us. That would put his income tax return in jeopardy. When I said that he became furious, and started saying even worse things to me. He told me that I had not worked the whole time we have been married so I did not deserve even a penny of the return – I did not work because of a decision Joe Bob and I made together. He also told me I was being a “butt” because I was making it more difficult for him to get his taxes done. He knew that if he filed as a married person, I would have to go there and sign off on the return as well, and he would also need me present to sign the check with him. I think he was hoping that he could get all that done without my participation so I could not have access to the money. By saying what I did, I threw a wrench into his plans.

The conversation – if that is what it can be called – ended shortly after that, but not before Joe Bob told me he really had no plans to file the way he originally told me he would. Of course that makes me wonder why he would lie about it in the first place. My gut tells me he really had intended to do that, and when I countered with telling him I would make things difficult by filing separate but married he decided his original plan might not be a good idea.

The next day Joe Bob called, and his demeanor was completely different. He was nice, kind, positive, and even went so far as to ask me if I would consider working things out. I was up front with him, telling him that I was not sure that would be possible. Just based on the recent past – the phone conversation the day before – I could tell nothing had changed, and I am not prepared to put myself back in the unhealthy situation I have just left. He “claimed” to remember nothing of what he said the day before. He said that he had a cold, and some cold medication he took “made” him behave badly, and promptly forget the things he said. He continued being – what he considers – nice for another week. This past Saturday, it took a dramatic change.

Joe Bob seems to be really focused on that income tax return. He took his last pay check stub from 2010 to a fairly well known company that does taxes cheaply, rapidly. He says they told him that based on the information he provided them, we could be looking at a tax return of $6000. During the conversation we were having about the tax return, Joe Bob told me he would use part of the return to pay off my computer, and then he asked me how much money I would like if the return turned out to be that big. I told him I wanted $500. His response was “You can have half if you want”. Knowing that he needs to buy a new heater for the house, and a few other things need to be paid, I let him know that $500 would be fine with me. I thought I was being considerate. I thought that $500 was such a low amount that he would not have a problem with it. I thought wrong.

Not even 15 minutes later, Joe Bob was calling back, and he was furious. He told me I was “greedy”. He told me that I had “not worked a day in my life” and did not “deserve” any of the money. He told me that he was going to file married but separate. My response was “fine”. He kept getting uglier and uglier in what he was saying, until he finally blurted out “I just want you to get the F*** out of my life!”

Once again, there has been another flip. Just last night he was being nice again, encouraging me to come home. He has taken on a new tactic in his persuasion technique. Now his approach is to tell me that my parents are not treating me properly because they are making me work too hard, and we “all know” that I am not capable of much. To be honest I was rather insulted by that implication. It was almost like he was saying that I just do not have what it takes to help myself, much less anyone else. I had briefly thought that I would play nice – until the tax return was filed – to keep this temporary peace. After spending most of the night thinking about it, I have decided that I am not going to behave in a way that implies I am okay with the things Joe Bob is saying and doing. It is emotionally draining, and it is exactly what I used to do when I “lost my voice”. I stuffed what I was really feeling deep down inside, just to keep a shaky peace around the house.

The question I asked myself over and over was “Why did I come here to live, if I was going to allow him to treat me the same way I did when I was living in the same house with him? The answer I gave myself was “If I was not going to tolerate the behavior, and words there, then there is no reason why I should tolerate them here, and now.”

I am not going to go out of my way to antagonize him, but I need to speak up for myself. I do not have to tolerate that type of disrespectful behavior from anyone, and in the future I will hang up the phone when he allows himself to speak to be inappropriately.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Melissa Mashburn

When you start treatment for depression, there is a vital piece of information I think many counselors are hesitant to share. It is more of a warning than just simply information. It should be given to you on a piece of paper, written in big red letters. Something like this:

I am sure there is a good reason why more counselors do not share this warning with their patients. Most likely it has to do with not scaring us away.

Many marriages end when one spouse enters mental health treatment and the other does not. Usually, the marriages are not healthy to begin with and as one person becomes more emotionally healthy it adds pressure and stress to the marriage. I think it has this effect because even bad habits and unhealthy relationships can become comfortable. When we change how we think, feel, and react to things, we are inadvertently pushing our spouses’ comfort zones. When we are in treatment, we make conscious decisions to push our own levels of comfort so that we can become healthier. It is difficult for us to do when we are doing it on purpose. I imagine it must be very difficult for our marriage partners when they feel that their comfort zones are being pushed by our changes, when they did not seek out or express a desire to have their comfort zones pushed.

The best way for me to describe how they must feel when they are confronted by our changes and the discomfort it causes them, is to use myself as an example. Most of us with a mental health issue/mental illness have had our comfort zones invaded by other people or situations. In my case, when that happened, I experienced a great deal of anxiety, worry, and sometimes even anger because it felt like I was being emotionally violated. My guess is that is often how our spouses feel when our efforts to become emotionally healthy directly challenge what they have become comfortable with.

In the face of such stress and pressure, I know it would seem easier for us to fall back into those old – but comfortable – patterns of behavior. On the surface it would seem like a good solution for a shaky marriage. However, I think that once we have even gotten the smallest taste of what it feels like to be more emotionally healthy, it would be hard for us to “settle” for anything that would compromise that. It could in fact cause us to have a huge set back in maintaining our own mental health.

When we get married we make choices to settle for certain types of behavior from ourselves and our spouses. I would like to think that even in healthy marriages there is some type of settling – maybe compromising is a better word – for certain behaviors. We choose to overlook bad behavior in ourselves and our partners for the sake of having a perceived peace in the marriage. Sometimes we make the choice to overlook things because it is easier than feeling like we are battling our loved one all the time. Whatever the reason, it usually sets up a pattern of unhealthy behavior from both people.

There comes a time in our treatment process where we begin to understand that maintaining our own mental health is important. Vitally important. We know that if we do not maintain good mental health, we are also compromising our physical health. Understanding this makes us feel compelled to do what we can to get and stay emotionally healthy. That means we have to make choices about how to achieve and maintain that emotional stability. Just like in any other situation where we can make choices, there are going to be consequences. It is up to us to decide what consequences we are willing to live with.

If we choose to go for the option of being as emotionally healthy as we can be, then one of our consequences could be that our marriage might end. Rising to the challenge of meeting us where we are in attempting to be in a healthier mental state, might be more than our spouses are capable of doing. This does not mean they are a bad or an uncaring person. It just means that they may not have the tools and/or lack the desire to work toward the same goal we are. As difficult as it is to come to terms with that possible consequence, I believe that it is something that most of us in mental health/mental illness treatment must face if we are determined to be healthier.

Even with believing all of that, and encountering the struggles in my marriage that I have, I also believe that there are times when our spouses can have an epiphany and realize that change can be a good thing. Part of the way they can achieve that epiphany is through our choices to no longer tolerate certain unhealthy behaviors. Taking a stand on certain things will add to any friction and stress going on at the time. However, I believe that if we can do it and be consistent about it, and not be any harsher than the situation calls for, then there is a significant possibility that our spouses will eventually reach a point where they desire the same change that we do.

No matter which way everything plays out, we will be more emotionally and mentally healthy. That is what I hold on to. That is what gives me hope in the face of my current marriage struggles. The knowledge that as difficult as things seem right now, there is hope and health in whatever consequence I may end up with.