Category Archives: Medication

Got My Going Home Clothes On!

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I got my going home clothes on, I got my going home clothes on! Yay!
All I am waiting for right now is the oral steroids and for them to observe me for a few hours to make sure I am not going to have a set back. Almost six days in the hospital….boy will I be happy to blow this pop stand.

MY plan is to not spend anymore time in the hospital, as a patient, this year. 
Thank you, all of you, who kept me in your thoughts and prayers and put up with my ramblings from boredom yesterday.  You all did more than you realize in helping me keep a positive attitude while I was in here.  
Have a wonderful, wonderful day, Neighbors!

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Oh What A Good Hospital Day!

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I could not have asked for a better day in the hospital.  My breathing has remained better all day, and with the four different insulins, my blood sugar has stayed under 300 most of the day, just now it was 316.

This morning after the PA from the pulmonologist office came over and gave me her news, the hospitalist who is doing my diabetes management said that the fourth insulin that he added seemed to have really helped a lot.  He said it was the first 24 hours that my blood sugar had not spiked way out of control.  So had a shot of that extra insulin again and he is going up another 10 units on my lantus (the long lasting insulin).  He thinks with all the steroids that I have had, even though my blood sugar is high, that we are keeping as good of control over it as we can.

Then a doctor from the pulminologist office came by and he actually gave me a tentative go home date.  Tomorrow, as the PA discussed we are going to reduce the IV steroids a little more, and see how I tolerate that.  Then on Tuesday morning the plan is to not give me any IV steroids, just oral steroids, and watch me through the day.  If I do not have a set back then I get to go home sometime Tuesday afternoon, probably.

 I call that a good day, as far as being in the hospital goes.

Have a great night, Neighbors!!

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Spirometer And Better Care

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Today I am going to teach you some numbers that have to do with Asthma. Yesterday, before the doctor sent me over here I had to have a breathing test at his office. It was done on a machine called a spirometer. Basically it measures the amount of air you can blow out.

The process you have to go through to have this machine take this measurement is not bad, it can just be a little tiring when you are having a difficult time breathing.

This is what the spirometer looks like.
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Basically, when I saw the Doctor yesterday, my ability to exhale was half of what it was the last time I saw him. Which is a big change. It indicates some sort of blockage, which in my case is my airways constricting.

I am feeling some better today, however, still quite a bit of a ways to go before I am well enough to go home.  Just walking the few feet from my bed to the bathroom is horrible enough to make it so I have no breath left.  I had to get respiratory to come and give me an extra breathing treatment after my last bathroom trip

As far as the horrible nursing care I got yesterday afternoon, things are very much improved. 

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Depresion and Marriage

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  Is it possible to maintain a marriage when one spouse has major depression, especially major depression that lasts for years? The statistics are certainly not encouraging.  Marriages with a depressed loved one are nine times more likely to end in divorce.  Add this number to the 60% divorce rate we already have, and it seems to me that most marriages where there is a depressed spouse do not survive. 


One of the key elements of a marriage is the give and take that is supposed to exist between the married couple.  There are times when it is not an equal give and take between the spouses, one having to give more than the other, but ultimately there is always a give and take.  This is not the case in a marriage where one of the marriage partners is dealing with a case of long term, major depression.  




The spouse without the depression will often find themselves picking up more and more of the slack.  Taking care of things that would normally be done by the other spouse.  In the short term, this works out OK, however, as the depression drags on and on, and the one spouse is continuing to be stretched thin taking care of things, a certain amount of resentment and frustration starts to build.

The more the depression the goes on the more resentment and frustration build up.  I know that my husband expressed to me more than once that he felt like a single parent, when I was at my worst.  In addition to feeling like a single parent, there was the added pressure of worrying about me and making sure I was OK. 




Accepting that the problem is depression is half the battle for both spouses.  It is easy to blame outside sources for why your spouse is in such pain.  Before I started getting treatment for my depression my husband felt the sole reason I was acting the way I was, was because of how my son left our home. He did not understand that the depression had been there before that incident, and the incident just made it worse.  




Depression affects not only the person with the diagnosis, but it affects the marriage as a whole.  Especially if the depression goes untreated.  Before my depression was diagnosed and I started the recovery process, my husband thought that I did not love him anymore.  From his perspective, I was withdrawn, distant, and did not want to have anything to do with him.  He felt hurt and taken advantage of, because I was incapable of helping him around the house.  Our marriage was already under strain by the time I started therapy.  




Then the things I was learning and doing as a result of the therapy added more stress to our marriage.  As far as my husband was concerned the outcome of my therapy was far from what he expected.  It has taken him some time to come to grips with the fact that I will not be the person he married. 

Both people, not just the one with depression need a support system.  It is imperative that even the person without depression has good support to help them through the rough patches.  It is also important that both spouses work together on plans and other things that will give both parties guidelines to follow during the recovery process.  A support system also can help the married couple identify when thing are not gong a well. 


I personally think that it is possible to maintain a marriage when one of the spouses is living with severe depression.  However, it is a unique challenge that requires both parties to make the effort to keep the marriage together.  


One of the things I used to do was to write contracts with my husband about things I would or would not do.  An example is, shortly after I tried to commit suicide, my husband was asked to work out of town.  He was hesitant about going because he was afraid that I would try to kill myself again, I was still having suicidal thoughts.  We came up with two solutions that made it so he felt like he could work out of town.  First, I actually wrote a contract between me and him that stated that I would not try and kill myself during the time he was out of town.  Also, knowing how I would isolate myself to attempt suicide, we decided I would stay at my grandmother’s house while he was out of town.

As far as my mine and my husband’s marriage is concerned, things are still a long way from perfect.  However, each of us is trying as hard as we can to keep it together.  We are also taking more time to understand how my depression has affected us from each other’s point of view.  


I try really hard on my bad days to show him affection and tell him I love him, so he does not feel that I do not appreciate all the things he does for me.  I can tell he is trying very hard to not become frustrated when I have a bad day and can not be the marriage partner he needs. 

I also make a concerted effort to not think about those statistics.  I feel like if I pay attention to them too much, then I am allowing them to pigeonhole my marriage into one of the failures.  I want to keep my mind on my marriage surviving and thriving.

Confession Is Good For The Soul

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Confession is good for the soul is what I have been told.  I hope it is, because today is my day to confess.  

Since Friday my mental health has not been as good has it has been.  It is not as bad as it can get, but that is not saying a lot.  I have been down, wanting to isolate myself, quiet, and I have not felt like communicating with anyone.  I have a counselor’s appointment Thursday so I will be sure to bring it up to her then.  I have been faking feeling OK on my blog and with my daughter.  However, even over the phone my husband can tell that I am not in a good frame of mind.   I even lacked the motivation to take a shower and get dressed for a couple of days.  

Some positives are I am not having any suicidal thoughts, and I am not having a negative dialogue running through my head.  I mostly feel disengaged from things.  

It could be a normal “down” time that everyone goes through, but it is still a struggle for me to identify “normal” emotions as compared to my out of control emotions.  That is why running this past the counselor is a good thing, she helps me identify which category my emotions are in.  


So that is my confession.  I felt compelled to do it because from the beginning of my recovery process I promised I would always tell the truth about what was going on.  Sometimes the person I need to tell the truth to the most is myself. 

Protecting What I Have Gained

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I do not know about other people who live with depression but I very often feel as if I have less control over my depression when my environment is negative.  The negativity could be caused by people’s drama, certain songs on the radio, movies, or even television shows.

Being so new in my depression recovery, not even a year, I know that it would be very easy for me to have a serious set back and lose a lot of the ground I have gained so far in my recovery.  In an effort to protect that, I have made certain ground rules for myself to keep my environment as positive as possible.

1.  No drama.  Family or otherwise.  If someone attempts to draw me into their drama, I close off communication.  Sometimes permanently, sometimes only temporarily.  It just depends on how drama prone the person is.  I know how I am.  Drama feeds into the anger I have, which then feeds into my rage, I say something I regret, whic then feeds into my depression.  Or the drama just flat out depresses me.

2.  No surrounding myself with negative people with negative thoughts and actions.  I have even gone so far as to forbid negative comments from my family.  Constructive advice is good, negative comments are bad.  That includes gossiping about others.  Gossip is negative.  I strictly follow the rule of “if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all”. 

3.  I always look for at least three positive things for every not so wonderful situation.  Sometimes finding three positive things is difficult or impossible, but I always attempt to find those three things.  That way I am always guaranteed to have a minimum of one positive thing about every situation.  Sometimes the positive things are silly.  For example, when it looked like I might have to be in the hospital for Christmas, one of the nurses decided to help me decorate my room and I was looking forward to seeing Santa Claus in the hospital on Christmas day. 

4.   I will no longer watch certain types of television shows or movies and a lot of times I will not watch the news.  This is not to isolate myself, as has been implied by some people, but it is an effort to keep my surroundings as positive as possible.  Real life human tragedies cause me to react in an over exaggerated emotional manner.  To put it plainly, other people’s tragedies become mine and I react to them as if they were mine.  It is debilitating.  I am in no way ready to be put in that situation yet.  I have yet to watch one single bit of news about Haiti, I see headlines go across my RSS feed ticker.  That is enough for me right now.  


Same with movies and television shows. If they show human tragedy, I cannot watch them.  Recently, I watched my Sister’s Keeper.  It was a wonderful movie.  However, for a couple of days after seeing it, I was depressed.  None of the previews prepared me for the ending.  




Following these rules, as best as I can, does help me.  What I have gained so far in my depression recovery is very precious to me.  I guard it as best as I can on a daily basis.  There are days when I do have slip ups and I “break” one of my own rules.  I never beat myself up about it.  I acknowledge to myself that I messed up and just move on.


“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
–– Ralph Waldo Emerson

If anyone wants to, I would love to hear what other people do to maintain a positive attitude.

Oy Vey

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Yesterday was not one of my better days.  I felt very down for most of the day.  I lacked a great deal of motivation.  Even my blog was difficult for me to work on.  I try and write some parts of my blog the day before I want to post them, so I can be sure to get my blog out as early as possible on the day I want it posted.  That did not happen.  I am still working on even the simplest sections this morning.  It is important for me to work, if possible, through those bad days.  It takes my mind off of myself and lets me focus on other things.  Focusing on other things than myself yesterday was a huge struggle. 

This morning started off not as good as I would have liked.  I woke up around four in the morning.  Buster the boxer was already awake.  He was walking around the house.  I did not think anything about it and I was drifting back off to sleep.  When I was half way asleep, I thought I heard water coming out of a faucet.  At first I thought I was dreaming, then I thought it was from a water faucet.  Then I remembered we had not left any water on because it was not cold enough for us to worry about.  I got up to investigate.  

What I discovered is that Buster the boxer had decided to drink a ton of water during the  night and filled up his bladder.  He knows he is not supposed to go to the bathroom in the house, but I guess his bladder got so full he could not hold it anymore.  There was a trail of pee all through the house.  I followed the trail and found him by the door.  He seemed to have a look of horror on his face, because of the trail of pee, and if dogs could cross their legs, his certainly would have been crossed.  He was very happy when I let him out.  I was very unhappy at having to clean up the trail of pee.   

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The culprit, Buster the boxer

Sleeping Like A Baby

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ConversationsWithMoms:Every day Conversations with a Mom Blog

I get very frustrated with this habit I have of just falling asleep, especially when it happens while I am blogging.  I know it happens because of my medications.  However, it is still frustrating.  I can be full of ideas of what to put on my blog, writing along with speed and smoothly, and the next thing I know I am waking up.  It always derails my thought processes and seems to take me so long to get back into the groove of things.  I need to learn to not let this frustrate me.  

On a funny note, my daughter has a habit of taking pictures of me when I do that.

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Ten Things That Helped With My Anxiety

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My anxiety used to be very bad.  I would wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, knowing something horrible would happen.  At its worse, I could barely leave my house.  If I could manage to leave my house then I could not leave a certain square mile area.  If any attempt was made to take me out of my safe area, then I would have a panic attack.  I even went so far as to arrange it so I did not leave my house for six months.  My imagination would also cause panic attacks.  I could imagine the most horrible things, and for me they would feel real.  

Everyday for me was a nightmare really.  My anxiety invaded every part of my life.  It clouded how I perceived reality.  

Once we finally found a set of medications that worked for me and I had been taking them for a while, and I had been in counseling for a while, I did start noticing that I had less anxiety.  I could leave the house more often, I still had to stay in the safe area.  I worried less.  I felt less tense.


I quit worrying about my anxiety.  It was not in the forefront of my mind all the time anymore.  One day when my mother and I were out to lunch together, I suddenly realized that I was outside of my safe area and I was experiencing no anxiety. 

I started taking stock of things.  It dawned on me that for the first time in years, I was relaxed.  The yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.  Even that horrible habit I had of imagining myself into a panic attack was gone.  The only symptom I have left is that I still startle easily.

Between my medications, and my counseling I have achieved a state peace that most likely I have never experienced in my life.  It feels good.


I want to say that, in my opinion, there is hope for people who have a debilitating anxiety disorder.  I know that it will take some people longer than it took me to get to a less anxious place, and it will take some people a shorter amount of time. It will not be easy, and having to go outside comfort zones will be important. 

Here is a list of things that has been working for me, when trying to get in control of my anxiety disorder.
 

1.  Being patient with yourself is very important when you are trying to recover from an anxiety disorder.  Recovering from an anxiety disorder is a long process, do not add to your anxiety by being impatient with yourself.  


2.  Take one day at a time.  Do not think about how you are going to deal with the tomorrow, just concern yourself with getting through today.  

3.  Do not be hard on yourself when you have a set back.  We are all going to have set backs.  I like to think of setbacks as just a little extra practice.  

4.  Keep or find a sense of humor, you will need it.  Remember laughter is good medicine.

5.  Frequently take big deep breaths in and then slowly let it out.  Believe it or not it does help.  It is like giving yourself a pause before you deal with something.

6.  Be up front with your family and friends about the things that trigger your anxiety.  Loud voices, crowds, and coming up behind me are just some of the triggers I have that will lead to me either having a panic attack or make me feel anxious.  

7.  Even if you are feeling better, take any anxiety medication you are prescribed and go to counseling.  One of the things the counselor can do for you is give you tools and help you find solutions to dealing with your anxiety disorder.

8.  Do not have unrealistic expectations for yourself.  I used to think that I would reach a point where I never having any anxiety symptoms again.  Now, I understand that in some areas I will probably always have some anxiety, however, I will know how to cope with it better.

9.  If one of the ways you experience anxiety is through excessive worrying, then set aside a couple of times a day where you are allowed to worry.  The rest of the time, no worrying is allowed.  I know this sounds weird but it was a home work assignment given to me by my counselor and it works.  I am allowed two times a day to worry.  In the morning and in the afternoon (not close to bedtime though) I am allowed to worry about anything I want.  It gets the worry out, but then does not allow it to take over your mind and day.

10. If you find your anxiety is overwhelming you, call your counselor.  If your counselor is not available call a family member, call a friend, call someone that can help calm you down and deal with your anxiety until you can talk to your counselor. 

Diabetes And Me

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I am an insulin dependent diabetic.  What that means is that, among other things, I have to give myself insulin injections on a daily basis. 

One of the things I quickly learned after I was diagnosed with diabetes is that there is math involved in managing your diabetes.  The ironic thing is, I really dislike math, and now I am stuck having to do it every day, several times a day.  I keep thinking of all those math teachers who said I would use a specific type of math one day, and how I blew off what they said.   The teachers in my head are now saying “I told you so”. 

My day starts off with a stick in the finger.  Before coffee, before breakfast, before anything else I have to get some blood out of my finger and test it to see how high my blood sugar is.  I do not care how many 1000’s of times I have stuck myself in the finger, it still hurts.  A lot of times it hurts more than my insulin injections do.  


If everything, insulin, medications, and meal planning, worked out the way they were supposed to, my blood sugar in the mornings is around 110.  That is a good number for me.  Not to low, not to high, right on target for what I need to achieve.  


I am always so darn hungry in the mornings.  The whole time I am checking my blood sugar, my tummy is growling.  Some mornings it is so difficult to resist the temptation of going ahead and eating breakfast before I check my blood sugar.  The worst mornings are when I have not slept well and I wake up around three or four. 

After I check my blood sugar, I can go about the business of making coffee and breakfast.  I have to carefully account for every bit of food that I am going to put in my mouth.  It has to all balance out so that I am only taking in a certain amount of sugar and carbohydrates.  Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day, because I can eat more then than at any other time.  What I usually do is combine my breakfast and my morning snack allowances into one meal.  I do this for no other reason but to have a bigger breakfast.  I told you I was hungry in the mornings.  Maybe I should have said that I was very hungry in the mornings.  

Before I can eat, I have to give myself a small insulin injection.  Usually about three units of insulin.  I have to do this because my depression medications have a tendency to raise my blood sugar slightly.  After the injection, the chow down can commence.  

After I eat breakfast I am already thinking about what I can have for lunch, planning it out in my head.  You can tell from my profile picture that I am a person who enjoys food.  I really enjoy food.  I like cooking, I like planning menus, I just enjoy everything that has to do with food.  One thing I have noticed though, is that ever since I have been diagnosed with diabetes I seem to focus on food even more than I used to.  Maybe it is because I have to spend so much time every day planning what I eat out, or because I have to always be so aware of everything that I put in my mouth, or because as much as I still enjoy food there is a part of me that views food as the enemy. 

After breakfast I have to take care of my feet.  Because a diabetic does not have the best circulation, their feet have to be taken care of extremely well.   One little injury has the potential to become infected very quickly and can result in the foot and/or leg being amputated.  So every day I have to check my feet for any injuries and put lotion on them.  One of my favorite things to do was to go barefoot everywhere.  I cannot do that anymore.  Too much of a risk.  

The lunch process is similar to the breakfast routine.  Once again, the dreaded finger stick.  Ugh!  I am so tired of having to inflict pain on myself several times a day.   There are some days I put off eating lunch as long as possible so I do not have to go through the whole finger stick thing right away.  


I won’t bore you with the whole procedure, injection, stuffing my face, already thinking about my afternoon snack and supper, more finger sticks at supper and another injection.  


Before I go to bed every night I have to give myself yet another injection.  This one is of a long lasting insulin and the dose is rather large.  Of all the shots this is the one I really dislike.  Because of the amount of insulin I have to inject, this one tends to sting.  Sometimes, a bubble of insulin will develop and I have to be very careful, and not let any insulin come back out.  


The next morning the whole thing starts over again.


I get so tired of it all sometimes.  I get tired of the finger sticks, I get tired of the injections, I get tired of all the things I have to remember to manage my diabetes.  It is a very tedious disease.  Always so much to do with it, always having to think about it, everyday the same thing, needles, needles needles.  Sometimes I think about just not doing it anymore.  

Before I started getting help with my depression, and I really did not care about living any more, there were many days when I did not do any of the things I needed to do to take care of my diabetes.  Now that I have a better mind set, I do not skip my injections, or my finger sticks, no matter how tired I get of the whole thing.  I have a family that cares about me and I care about them, I want to live, so I do what I am supposed to do, needles and all.


The pictures at the top, from left to right
glucose meter (one of the types I have), insulin pen (same type as I use), needles for insulin pens (similar to what I use)