Interested In Inspiration

I was reading a blog post by Ryan Fortney, titled Provoking Thought in which he asks his reading audience a couple of thought provoking questions.

What gets you to write? What inspires you? (if you’re a writer that is!)

He takes the time to share his methods of getting inspiration for his writing. In addition he explains that the reason he is interested in how people answer is that he is constantly looking for new sources of inspiration and he thought he could get some ideas from what people answered

I must not have been the only person for whom Ryan Fortney’s post proved to be a source of inspiration, Dan Keller wrote a post about why he blogs.

Of Ryan Fortney’s two questions, I am going to answer the second one first. In his second question he asks “What inspires you? (if you’re a writer that is!)”. I wonder if my answer will surprise anyone who reads this post? I do not consider myself a writer. I am a blogger. The only place I have ever written and enjoyed it has been on my blog. However, for me to write on my blog, especially as frequently as I do, I have to have inspiration.

My source for inspiration seems odd to me, but I wonder if there are not more people than I think who get their inspiration from a similar place? My blog posts are like conversations, at least in my opinion they are. I am having conversations with anyone who chooses to read and/or comment on any post in my blog. What does that have to do with where I get my inspiration from? I have conversations with myself (in my head). If what ever I am having a conversation with myself about seems amusing or interesting to me, I usually end up blogging about it.

Even I have to admit how strange that sounds, but it is the truth. Very often conversations with myself inspire me to write something in my blog.

The first question that Ryan Fortney posed is one that has been rattling around in my own head for a while now. I have often wondered what got other bloggers to start blogging in the first place and what gets them to write up a post every day or every other day or so.

I have two answers for the question “What gets you to write”. I am convinced though that my first answer will make me sound more than a little nutty. My blog has played such a huge part in my clinical depression recovery process, that I have fallen in love with it. I view it as something that needs daily care. The best way I can take care of my blog is to write in it every day. Even if it is to do a simple meme for the day.

My second answer to that question is that I have come to depend on and enjoy my conversations with the others in my online community. In real life I am not a very talkative person, unless I have something to say. However, the conversations I have with people who visit my blog, or whose blogs I visit are something I enjoy a great deal. So even if it is a day where all I write is a simple meme, I still have many opportunities to interact with the others I have become used to talking to.

So now that I have taken the time to answer those questions, and exposed myself for the nut that I really am, I was wondering if any of you would mind taking the time to answer them along with a third one.

What gets you to write? Do you consider yourself a writer? What inspires you?

Just a little food for thought, Neighbors!

Friday Frustrations- March 13, 2010

I am very frustrated with my twenty year old son right now.  He is living in California and is in the Marines.  It is like he has no respect for me or his family here, and behaves towards us and speaks to us in a very disrespectful manner.  Today I had to write him a very difficult letter and let him know that I was taking a break from him and me communicating due to his disrespectful treatment of his family.

He Would Say We Were Sight Seeing

After the last few days of feeling down because of what has been happening here, I decided that today I would try and think of some funny memories to share. It is interesting, but the only memories I could think of were about things to do with my dad.

Ever since I can remember,  my dad has sort of marched to the beat of his own drummer.  Even in stories he has told me about  his younger days he did his own thing.  In one story he told me, he talked about how he and his cousin (I think) bought a car for $50, drove across country (starting in Kentucky), got to Texas and joined the Air Force.  His favorite college football team to watch is Kentucky.  Every year he tell us how good he thinks they will do during football  season.  He had us watch so much three stooges on TV when we were growing up, that I can believe there is some educational value in Larry’s eye poke.

The whole time I was growing up my dad always worked a lot.  Several times, he would work in one state and we would live in another and often we only saw in on the weekends.  It was important to him that his family was taken care of so he worked very hard, and still does. With the type of work he did, he had to travel quite a bit, and many times we were able to go with him.  Thanks to him I have had the opportunity to see many countries in the world and many places in the United States.

All that traveling did require us to go to many places that we were not familiar with.  Dad always made sure that we had maps.  The thing was though, I cannot recall dad actually using those maps very often or even asking for directions.  So it was a common occurrence for us to end up in unexpected places.  Dad always refused to say we were lost.  He would say we were “sight seeing”.  I remember going sight seeing a whole  lot when I was a kid.

One of my most vivid memories of when we lived in Spain, was the summer my cousin came to visit.  My parents thought it would be good for all of us to visit several different countries.  I am not sure why, maybe it was cheaper than staying in hotels, or he thought it would be more fun for us kids, but my dad decided it would be a good idea for us to borrow someone’s tent and camp in the various countries we were visiting.  I do not recall any problems with our camping trip until we got to Germany.   One of my parents had made sure that everyone had air mattresses to sleep on.  Which turned out to be a good thing.  When we got to the camp ground in Germany, and after we had the tent all set up, it began to rain.  A very heavy rain.  A very, very heavy rain.  When we woke up the next morning, our air mattresses were floating in the rain water that had collected in our tent.  That is when I got to find out what a hostel was like.

We continued making our way through different parts of Europe, heading toward Switzerland, where my cousin would catch his plane back to the States.

After we dropped my cousin off at the airport in Switzerland, it was time for us to start heading back to where we lived in Spain.  It seems my dad was supposed to make hotel reservations for us in France, around the area of the French Riviera, but for whatever reason it did not happen.  We still got to spend the night on the French Riviera….in the car.

During the time that my Dad’s job allowed us to live in Spain, I got see real castles, meet bull fighters, and see famous artwork.  I will always remember what my dad said about  Rodin’s famous sculpture The Thinker.   It is describe as depicting “a man in somber meditation, battling with a powerful inner struggle”.  My dad’s description was much shorter.  He said it looked like a man “sitting on the toilet”.

After we moved back to the States, we lived in Marietta, Georgia.  We actually lived there for several years.  Dad would work a lot like he had always done, and often we just saw him on the weekends.   As my brother and I hit our teen years, it became important to dad for us to do things as a family now and then.  One of his favorite things to do was to get up on a Sunday morning and tell us we had about 15 minutes to get ready, and then we would be leaving to have breakfast at some little diner he had found. The problem with only giving us 15 minutes was that we lived in the 80’s.  The era of big hair and loads of make up.  There was no way I could get my fine, straight hair to be big, in that amount of time.  Since I was a teenager at the time, there was no way I was willing to walk out of the house without my big hair and make up on. My dad was a brave man to risk the temper of a teen aged girl so that he could make sure that at least once in a while the whole family was together.

Despite my insistence on achieving the appropriate sized hair, I think dad insisting that we all go have breakfast together as a family turned out to be a good thing.  I look back on those breakfasts and think that it is very nice that I have memories of all of us being together and enjoying each other’s  company.

My dad is a hero.  I mean a real life hero.  Once when we were all snorkeling I accidentally caused a major panic in the family by screaming into my snorkel.  I screamed because there were all these sting rays on the bottom of the ocean, underneath the boat we needed to get on.  I have a fear of scuba diving where I cannot see the bottom of where I am diving.  So my panic was more about the fact that the sting rays were covering the bottom of where I needed to swim than it was about the sting rays.  That did not change the fact though that my screaming into my snorkel caused my mother, brother and myself to all jump on my dad’s back at the same time.  Unfortunately for dad, this meant he was on the bottom of the pile, in the ocean. He was great though.  Somehow he managed to keep from drowning with all of us on his back and got us to calm down so we would remove ourselves from our place in the pile.

After I had my son, and I was going to college, there were times when my dad had to babysit.  He was awesome at it.  He always insisted that he would not change diapers, but I know he changed a stinky diaper on more than one occasion.  If my son was in his crib sleeping, my dad had an odd but effective way of checking on him. He would shake the crib a bit until my son moved and then my dad would know everything was OK.

As he has gotten older, dad has developed his own unique clothing style.  He is a trend setter in the grandparent set.  Many of his generation attempt to mimic his clothing style.  I like to call the style “Parental Revenge”.  His style consists of black shoes with white socks, baggy shorts that come down to his knees, a pair of suspenders,  a button up shirt, and sometimes a fanny pack . I have no proof but I suspect he makes a point of wearing this outfit around me and my brother because he knows it slightly embarrasses us.    It is his his way of making up for all the times we embarrassed him in public when we were kids.

Without his meaning to my dad has given me so many good memories.  Memories that make me smile.  I am thankful for that.  They will be something that I will always cherish.  I feel blessed that my dad is still around to add to my memory collection.

What are some of your favorite memories?

Deep Breath In And Blow It Out

I really appreciate everyone’s kind words. We could not find a vet to take Rosie last night, however, my husband found a vet that would take her early this morning. I could not bear to go with him to the vet, but he stayed with Rosie until everything was over.

Now that I am more calm I can relay what happened yesterday that made it so we had to put her to sleep.

She was an old dog, 14 years old. She had been a great family dog. As big as she was she had always been good with the kids. When Anna was an infant and crawling, Rosie would stand over her and herd her through the house. She would let Anna crawl all over her and when she got tired of it she would just wander off to another place in the house. She did not bark much and was friendly with most people. The only time she seemed to get upset about people coming to the house, was if a strange man came to the house when my husband was not home. When she was younger she loved to play soccer with the kids. She loved tennis balls and would play fetch with them for hours. However, she enjoyed fetch so much that she would bring sticks, rocks, or almost anything to you for you to play fetch with her.

As she got older she developed the normal things that older dogs do. She was mostly blind and deaf. She also had pretty bad arthritis. My husband, Farrol, and I had begun having discussions on how much pain she was probably in and how we did not want her to suffer anymore. However, we never really decided on doing anything for sure.

Yesterday, our neighbor came down in his truck to pick Farrol and Anna up and take them to pick up Farrol’s new truck. Rosie has known our neighbor since he was a kid and she was a puppy. They liked it each other. It seems when our neighbor was backing up to leave, Rosie was behind his truck. Something she never has done before. We think she did not hear when he started his truck up and she was in his blind spot. When he backed up, one of his tires rolled over her back, pelvis, and her back legs. It was a horrible, horrible accident. The fact that Anna was there when it happened and for something like to happen in my own front yard, just made it worse. I have to admit that I was angry and sad last night.

I feel so bad for our neighbor, he is a young man that really cares about animals and he is very upset. My daughter has known Rosie her whole life and she is terribly upset as well. My son was the one who named her, and I have been trying to get a hold of him and let him know but I have not been able to reach him. He was six when we got her. My husband, who was never a dog person until I married him, is very upset as well.

I have spent the day mostly just goofing off. Deep breathing and using my new relaxation techniques to deal manage my stress,  anger and sadness. I am feeling much better now. Has horrible as things played out, she was in pain before the accident happened, so at least now she is feeling absolutely no pain anymore.

Thanks for listening, Neighbors.

Sad News

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A young Rosie with a young Anna

Our fourteen year old german shepherd has taken a sudden bad turn. We are going to have to put her to sleep. I think our town has an emergency vet, if so my husband will take her tonight. If not then he will take her first thing in the morning.

I knew this day was coming, but I am still extremely sad.

The Art Of Procrastination

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I read a great blog post today, written by April Whitzman, titled Procrastinating? Click Here. She approaches the topic of  procrastination from the point of view that it is a good thing if it is done correctly. She even says that procrastination can improve the quality of our lives.

On the surface, I suppose it could be very easy to totally disagree with her views about procrastination, however,April Whitzman does an excellent and humorous job in presenting her case. She actually makes a list of things she does when she is procrastinating. Here are a few highlights from her list,

Twitter: There is nothing better than reading about pointless things that celebrities have done. If you’re really into procrastinating add me and watch me be a twit! @Alleycat17

Check Facebook for updates (Warning: This can become very addictive).

Clean. You’ll be surprised how many people sweep the floors or clean their dorm rooms to avoid doing the term paper. This is a great way to procrastinate as it’s definitely more productive and of course, there’s nothing like that great feeling of seeing that floor again

I can see value in some of the ways she procrastinates, the clean one for example. While she is avoiding tackling one icky project, she works on another that she has probably been procrastinating about doing. I think it is an amazing use of time that would otherwise be wasted.

There are things you can do while you are procrastinating that will help you relax, let go of some anxiety, and attempt to relieve some stress. If you get rid of any of those things it will instantly improve your life because it would just make you feel better.

Here are some things I do when I am procrastinating:

1. I pace the house, it gets my walking in for the day.

2. I check my twitter updates and have fun posting randomness, “The pepper jack cheese tastes good on my sandwich.” You can find me on twitter @melissamashburn

3. I hate to admit it but I play Yoville and Farmville on facebook when I am procrastinating.

4. I will do the dishes. I hate doing the dishes, the only time I truly seem to motivated to do them is when I am trying to avoid doing something else.

5. I work on my blog. Not just work on a post but I start messing around with the colors, graphics and plugins.

6. I will cook something

7.To put it delicately, I enjoy some alone time with my husband.

8. I will take a nap.

9. Play with my dog

10.  Now that I have some new relaxation techniques, I will be throwing them into my procrastination arsenal

I have to say, looking at procrastination in this way eliminates any guilt I was harboring about my own procrastination habit.   With less guilt, comes less stress, less stress makes me a happier person. If   I am careful about when I choose to procrastinate, like not doing it when I am supposed to be getting ready to go see a doctor, then I can see no reason to stop procrastinating altogether.

What do you do to procrastinate?

Have a wonderful, procrastinating day, Neighbors!

Thursday 13 – Things People Might Not Know About Me

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My list for today is 13 things that people might not know about me.

1. When I was a kid, I had freckles. It seemed to me that I had a million of them.
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2. I read in the bathroom.

3. I have a strange obsession for pajamas and socks.

4. My current hair color came from a box.
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5. When I was first living on my own, the only thing I knew how to cook was hamburger helper.

6. I am extremely clumsy. I can trip and fall down even when I am standing in one place.

7. I like to watch Wife Swap

8. I am afraid of spiders.

9. When I was a kid I wanted to be an anthropologist when I grew up. (what normal child wants to be anthropologist when they grow up?)

10. When I was a kid I used to like to read Reader’s Digest (would a normal child do that?)

11. I snore.

12. The strangest thing I have ever eaten is a bowl full of baby eels. They sort of looked like a bowl full of spaghetti noodles.

13. Once when I was scuba diving, I encountered a mother manatee and her baby and I got to touch them.
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Funny How Things Work Out

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We are in desperate need of a vehicle. My husband had made plans to buy a truck from a friend for $300. It is actually a pretty decent truck for that little bit of money. It would be my husband’s vehicle because it is a stick and I do not know how to drive a stick shift. Unfortunately, his paycheck was not enough to cover buying the truck, and pay our bills too. He was very disappointed but knew there was nothing that could be done about it.

On his way home he stopped at his usual gas station and bought his usual scratch off lottery tickets. He buys them once a week and he never buy more than three or four. He usually just buys the lottery tickets that cost one or two dollars. I guess he was feeling so rotten that he decided to splurge and get himself a $5 scratch off lottery ticket. He won $500 off of that $5 lottery ticket. He was so excited. He used part of that money to get the truck, and then we used the rest for groceries. I was excited about going to the grocery store and not having to pay attention to the budget as much as I usually have to.

It is funny how things work out in the most unexpected ways sometimes.

I Love My Neighbors!

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Not Exactly What I Wanted To Hear

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Last week’s counseling session went pretty well. I was able to discuss something that had been on my mind for a couple of weeks. At the end of the session, my counselor said something that I thought was really good. She told me that if I were to walk into her office now, she would diagnose me with mild depression. She did also say we could not change my diagnosis at this point since I first started seeing her when my depression was so severe and I still need the extra care that someone with clinical depression needs. However, I did take what she said about my depression at this stage as a positive thing. I can see and feel that I am better than I was, but it sure is nice to have my counselor validate what I am feeling.

Yesterday it was time for me to see my psychiatrist for my regular medication check. I had question for him about my medications. When I was in the hospital for my asthma, my medication doses were not changed but instead of taking 150 m of effexor in the morning, the hospital had me take it 75 m at a time, once in the morning and once at night. With my welbutrin, they had me take 150 m in the morning rather than 75 m, morning and night. I asked him if changing how I took them for that length of time would make any difference in how they worked. He asked me if I had any symptoms come up during that time and they had not. So he said in his opinion changing them the way the hospital did was not detrimental to me at all.

I also told him I was back to almost no sleep at night and it was wearing me out. I asked if it was time for me to start taking something to help me sleep.

The answer he gave me was not exactly what I wanted to hear. The psychiatrist said that he could detect a great deal of anxiety in my voice and he thought that I was experiencing some extra anxiety that was making it difficult for me to sleep. He went on to say that he thought part of my anxiety was coming from me stressing about my medication. That I had gotten myself worried about things that were actually nothing to worry about. I know last week my mother said something about me getting “wound up” over making sure I had plenty of mirapex for my restless leg syndrome. He actually wrote in my chart that he felt I was moderately anxious. He said he wanted me to have my counselor teach me some more coping skills for anxiety and he felt that would be more helpful than prescribing anymore medication.

I guess he wants to keep an eye on me while I work through this anxiety episode, because instead of having to wait three months to see him again, like I had been doing, he wants to see me in four weeks.

I saw my counselor today, so I did not have to wait long before I could get her to teach me some more anxiety coping skills. The counselor did remind me that she had told me a number of months ago that I would experience some break through symptoms at some point. The time for that to happen seems to be now.

The counselor told me she thought I was handling it very good compared to how I would have last year. She also told me to not be hard on myself since I did not realize what was going on until the psychiatrist told me, and that if it had been given a few more days I would start to realize what was going on because the symptoms would be much more pronounced.

I am using my support system and using the people in my life who are the most helpful and trusting them to let me know when they think I am not doing as well as I could be.

The counselor also reminded me that learning about my emotions is probably the hardest part of my recovery process to date.

I will definitely have to manage my anxiety a bit better. I think the relaxation techniques my counselor will be helpful. I just have to remember to use them when I feel that anxious feeling.

Have a great evening Neighbors!

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