The writing prompt for today is to write a post about something I hope to do in my life. I have several things I am hoping to do in my life. I guess in a way they can be considered goals that I would like to accomplish. Which is amazing to me. In the grand scheme of things, it has not been that long since my ONLY goal in life was to die. There are times when I am in utter disbelief at how much I have changed, and my thinking has changed in such a short time.

As I said, I have several things I am hoping to do in my life, but I think the scariest one is to have a book published. Writing on a blog is one thing. I am solely responsible for the content, and approving the comments. A book is another animal altogether. Not only am I putting myself out there in a way that is different than blogging, but it means having someone else look over what I have written with a more critical eye. Someone else will have the power to approve what I have written, as well as opening myself up to the possibility of many people reviewing what I have written. Not everyone will like it. There will be some negative comments. That total lack of control about what people can say about a book I have written scares the snot out of me.

As much as that lack of control scares me, I am going to go through with my goal to write a book. I am going to do it because it has become important to me to share what my life was like before depression treatment, and how wonderful life can be after depression treatment. I want it to be a book full of hope, and a source of inspiration to people who are in the same darkness I spent so many years in.

The prompt for today’s blog journal is to post about my favorite musician. I have no favorite musician. I like all kinds of music, and musicians. My criteria for choosing what to listen to is fairly simple. If it uplifts me spiritually, emotionally – no matter the genre – then most likely I will listen to it. It is important to me that whatever I am listening to is inspiring, and uplifting because music does affect my mood. By only listening to music that is positive and builds me up, I am cutting out something that could – potentially – bring my mood. down.

The writing prompt for today, is to write about someone I need to forgive. I think that for the most part I have forgiven everyone in my life that I have needed to. It was the only way I could let go of a lot of the bitterness that I had in me. However, “for the most part” does not mean I have forgiven everyone.

It seems to me, that most of the time it is fairly easy for me to identify someone I need to forgive. It is because I usually harbor a great deal of anger for that person. It is a bitter type of anger. The kind that is obvious to other people, and you can feel it eating away at you on the inside. The most helpful thing I can do when I feel that way about someone is to forgive them. It releases the anger, and resentment, it also allows me to move forward, and past how I might have been wronged.

Unfortunately, it is not always possible for me to clearly see everyone that I might be harboring unforgiveness for. Many times when I figure out that I have not forgiven someone, it comes as a surprise to me. It is a surprise, because I had thought that I had already forgiven them. I usually discover that pocket of unforgiveness a long time after the incident occurred. There are times when I think that type of anger is the most dangerous kind. It is sitting around inside me, clouding so much of how I think, and react to things. Since I do not realize it is there, I am not aware of how much it is changing me into a more negative person. Knowing my tendency to hold on to unforgiveness, I have been examining myself more closely – in order to root it out before it has a chance to take hold.

Right now, with all the harsh words, and actions that have gone on between me and my husband, I know that I need to find a way to forgive him. That does not mean everything is fixed between us – because it is not – what it does mean is that I am making the choice to let go of any anger I might feel towards him. It is going to take some time, and effort, but I know that I need to do it. Doing this will prevent that anger from eating me from the inside out, and it will also allow me to remain calm – even when he is not.

For this journal entry I am supposed to post a picture or two of my town. It just so happens that I had several pictures that I had taken of Talking Rock – my town. The town I live in is itty bitty. There is not even one traffic light in it. No banks, grocery stores, or a McDonalds. It is made up of old homes, antique stores, a volunteer fire department, and a lovely park.

A Mural on one of the antique stores

One of the antique stores, it also has a little cafe

Talking Rock Creek in Talking Rock Park

This 30 Days Of Truth exercise is very challenging. Some of the prompts for the day really require you to take a good look at yourself before you answer them. Which leads me to today’s topic…I have to write about something I need to forgive myself for. I can think of so many times when I have messed up badly, and have yet to forgive myself for those mistakes. I will pick the one that is currently on my mind.

After realizing the impact that my very unhealthy marriage has had on my children, I have been feeling some very intense feelings of guilt. I keep thinking of all the things I could have – should have – done years ago that would have spared my children some psychological harm. Logically, I know that I cannot focus on the past, and what I did not do. Not only is there nothing I can do to change the past, I know that if I were to sit and fret about it the likelihood of me experiencing a depressive episode would be very high. As a mother, my heart is telling me something different than my brain is. The mother in me wants to cry, and worry about my children, beating myself up as I do.

I do regret not making the decision to put an end to the verbal abuse in my household sooner. I do regret the impact that it has had on my children. Regret can be a good thing because it helps remind us of past mistakes so that we do not repeat them. It is also good when we use it to express our heartfelt apology to someone. Too much regret can become overwhelming, leading to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I have to work on forgiving myself for the part I played in allowing the chaos in my marriage to affect my children, and I will. Allowing guilt to consume me, and putting my mental health at risk will only cause them and me more harm, so forgiving myself needs to be a priority.

For today’s blog journal entry I am supposed to tell you what is in my make up bag. That is impossible. I have no make up bag. I have a little bit of make up, which is in a basket, under the sink, in my bathroom. When I was much younger I used to wear more make up. However, with children, husband, taking care of home, and major depression I got out of the habit of it. Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see too many lines and wrinkles to bother even attempting to cover them up most of the time.

In today’s 30 Days Of  Truth post, I am supposed to talk about something I like about myself. A year or so ago, I would have had a really difficult time with finding anything I like about myself. Now…it was much easier than I anticipated it would be. I like my in intelligence. I am no genius or anything like that, but I am fairly intelligent and I like that about myself. I think it makes my life richer, and more interesting than it would be if I was not that way. Being intelligent allows me to figure things out – learning how to crochet, learning how to blog and etc. – and it also makes it so I can enjoy wide variety of activities. In some ways, I think being intelligent has been beneficial to me while I have been in depression treatment.

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