At this time, I do not believe that my marriage can – or should – survive. However, after 14 years, and two children I do not believe it should be thrown away without at least some attempt to repair it. With that in mind, I set a bottom line – a deal maker or breaker – for my husband. He must begin – and stick with – individual counseling, and we need to begin – and stick with-marriage counseling. My thought was that since I am already in individual counseling, and if he began individual counseling, it would give us each a place to work on our individual issues. The marriage counseling would make it possible for us to learn some new tools and techniques to use in our marriage. My husband is not willing to participate in individual counseling, only marriage counseling.

I know it may seem stubborn of me to insist that he engage in individual therapy as well as marriage counseling, but I feel very strongly about holding to my bottom line. It is not to punish him, but he has some very real mental health issues that he is contending with, and they are not going to get better on their own.

Although he has apologized, and is doing his best – at this time – to not say anything inappropriate, it is not enough. It is really just the same pattern of behavior that I have been living with for years. There will be a huge explosion on his part, he will realize that he said some very wrong things, and then he goes through a period of what he calls “trying to fix things”. It never lasts. In the past, when he would enter this stage, I would hope – sometimes even believe – that he finally would turn things around for good. I wanted so much for that to happen. Now, I understand that unless he gets some intense counseling, things are not going to change. Part of me believes he wants to do things differently, but I do not think he has the skills to be able to do so.

I think when the same – not appropriate – behavior is repeated over and over again, there comes a time when apologies are simply not enough. They get to the point where they mean absolutely nothing. They are expressed, not out of any true regret, but as a way to “patch things up” for the time being. In my opinion, it is a form of manipulation.

Today, I can say with conviction that “I am okay”. I feel good about my bottom line with my husband. In my parent’s house, I feel safe and loved. My stress levels are drastically decreased. I can say -and believe it – that my choice to no longer tolerate the verbal abuse is the best decision I have made for my Mental Health.

Have you ever wanted something to be true so much, that despite the evidence in front of you, you pretend that it is? Have you ever been so ashamed about the position that you have put yourself in, that you put on a false front, so that no one knows what is really going on? Have you ever been afraid to tell anyone how bad something is, because the consequences of telling could possibly be worse than the circumstances you are currently in?

I wanted to believe that I had a good marriage. I wanted to believe that my husband would/could change. I wanted to believe that my husband was supportive, caring, and respected me. I wanted to believe all of those things so much, that what I showed the world reflected those things rather than reality. The verbal abuse I recently mentioned, is not a new thing in my marriage. It has probably been going on since the very beginning. Same with the controlling behavior. There was even a time a few years ago when we almost divorced over it. Instead we went to marriage counselling. Things seemed to get sort of better, for a while.

The were times when I fought back with my own vicious words. There were times when I told him to leave. There were  times when I cried my heart out. In the end, the same thing always happened. I would let things go, and he would be nicer for a little while. I realize now, that by making it so that he had no real consequences for his actions, I was giving him permission to keep treating me that way. To be honest, it was easier that way.

Over the last year and a half, I have been working to get emotionally and mentally healthy. Almost from the beginning, my efforts to get healthier seemed to cause friction. I would set a boundary – ask my husband to not talk to me a certain way for example – and he would get irritated with me. He seemed to get angrier and more resentful the more I fought for my own mental health. Our time together became filled with angry silences, and angry words. I changed how I responded to verbal attacks, nagging, and controlling behavior. I worked hard to not react the way I used to. I tried to stay calm. I tried to be rational, and show him where his anger was leading him. He seemed to be okay with himself. He had no problem being filled with so much anger. He justified how he spoke to me, and treated me. It felt like while I was changing, he was becoming more and more stuck. I learned that he and my daughter talked about me when I was not around. He told her she did not have to listen to me, she had choices when I asked her to do something. She learned to say mean and degrading things to me. It felt like I was battling both of them.

I wanted so much to believe that I could have the marriage I wanted, that I never told anyone how bad it had gotten. Until that awful night a few weeks ago, when the things that he was saying to me finally caused me to reach my end point, and I reached out to my mother for help. I should have been more honest with myself. I should have been more honest with my family. I should have been more honest with you. I was just not ready to admit to anyone – even myself – that things were so very wrong.