I think at one time or another most – if not all – of us have uttered the words “If I could do things differently…”. I think it’s natural for us to look back on parts of our lives and wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made different choices. However, from my own experience, I can tell you that it is very possible to take the “what if” game way too far.
I’m not sure which came first, the depression, or beating myself up with “what if’s”. I guess in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter. What does matter is what I did with the “what if’s”. During the worst part of my depression, my version of the “what if” game became a very cruel tool that I could use to beat myself up with. It was something like a crowbar on steroids. It caused me a great deal of mental and physical pain. As I started to become mentally healthier, I quit engaging in the “what if” game, viewing it as nothing more than a source of unrelenting pain.
After I began blogging, I would often search the Internet for writing prompts. One of the most popular ones I saw was something along the lines of “Pick a time in your life when you would like to do things differently – Describe what you would do differently if given the chance and why.” I have always avoided those types of writing prompts. My memories of what I used to do to myself with my own version of this is still so fresh in my mind that I just did not want to walk down that road, or even take a chance of falling back into that old habit. I was very firm in my decision, and I honestly expected it to be this way for the rest of my life. Then I read something in Inspiration for Girlfriends, – written by Ellen Miller – that changed my viewpoint about this.
She calls this section of the devotional Getting a Do-Over. The first time I looked at the title I thought “Yeah, I’m going to skip this part”, and I did. I didn’t even bother to skim through that section until I had almost finished the devotional and was running out of things to read in it. When I finally began to read it, I was very surprised to see that the author did not start the section off with how healing it is to think about past events and vent away about them, or think about the past and try to figure out whose fault it was that we made a poor decision. Instead, she starts off the section with how much we need mentors in our life.
Regardless of our age, how successful or unsuccessful we are, whether were single or married, we all need successful men or women who have walked ahead of us. Basically, they have “been there and done that” stories, and are willing to share their insights. The author calls these stories Do-Overs, and explains them like this:
…do-overs are experiences to which, had they had a mentor, they might have acted or react differently – even though they wouldn’t change their lives today.
I found the concept of this amazing. It is a way for me to take negative parts of my past – including the way a used to beat myself up with them – and turn them into something that might benefit someone else.
The truth is we all make our own mistakes, and I daresay that very seldom do we choose wisely. However, I think the wisdom, insight, and the benefit of another person’s experience will at least give us something to think about before we commit ourselves to course of action.
There is healing that comes with NOT rewriting our past, but sharing it as a way for someone to make better decisions about their future
