I have been feeling trapped. Part of me feels like I am stuck in a situation I cannot escape from. I have let it make me feel depressed, and anxious. All I want is to be able to move forward with my life, but I feel like I cannot because of the horrible, destructive thing I am tethered to.

I had high hopes that the consultation I had with an attorney on Monday would help alleviate some of that trapped feeling. It did not. In fact, I left the attorney’s office feeling much worse than when I had gone in. Not only was the trapped feeling stronger, I felt as if I was the world’s worst parent.

I know that I have not been the parent to my daughter that I have needed to be, and not just because of the years of depression. I was not a healthy person, and I was not a healthy parent.  I have worked very hard during my depression treatment to change how I parent, and do a better job with/for my child. I wish that I had more time with my daughter – in order to show her that I can be the type of mom she deserves.

The attorney made it very clear to me what he thought of me as a parent. He also told me that the courts would not see me as someone having an illness. Instead, my years of depression would be viewed as just me being a bad parent. Hearing someone say that to me made me feel absolutely devastated. I feel absolutely horrible for having done such a great dis-service to my child. As he continued to talk a sinking feeling developed in my stomach when I realized that getting a divorce is not going to be the easy thing that I thought it would be.

When I left the attorney’s office all I wanted to do was escape. I was on the verge of having a full blown panic attack, and my thoughts started sliding in a direction they have not gone in for a long time. I knew that I needed to reach out for some extra support, so I went to my counselor’s office.

My counselor was able to slide some things around, and spend a great deal of time with me. She gave me two names of attorneys that are “mental illness friendly”. Meaning they do a great deal of work with people who have mental health issues, and might be a better fit for me. In our conversation, she reminded me that in the past – when I felt trapped – I attempted to take my own life. She went on to let me know that since that time I had not experienced that feeling so I have not had the opportunity to apply any new tools to resolve it. She told that it was not surprising that my thoughts went in that direction. She pointed out that this time when I had those thoughts, I reached out for help rather than let them take hold in my mind. I cannot say that I felt better when I left the counselor’s office, but I did feel supported and my anxiety levels were greatly decreased. I think I mostly felt emotionally drained, and worn out.

When I left the counselor’s office, I headed back to my Grandmother’s house. I spent most of the rest of the day, and night in bed – sleeping on and off. I realize that was a type of escape. It was a way for me to avoid some of what was going on, and how it was making me feel. However, I am okay with my decision to do that. I felt so physically drained because of being emotionally worn out that I needed to do that. When I woke up Tuesday morning I felt refreshed, and in better control of my thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no reason I have to rush, and make decisions. It is okay for me to take my time to find the right attorney. There is no rule stating that I have to start divorce proceedings now. Maybe taking my time – instead of rushing to decisions – is better for me. I think it might help keep me from feeling trapped, and overwhelmed.