Category Archives: Anxiety

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Posted on by
Reply

I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday.  It lasted longer than usual, because she was running late, so she had my session run over to make up for the time.  She was running late because she had to see a lot o people.  It always tends to be a little busier on Tuesdays and Thursdays but today was much busier than normal. 


Tuesdays and Thursdays are intake days at the counseling center I go to.  Basically that means that whoever may have tried to hurt themselves or some one else or has a substance abuse problem and has encountered staff members at the local hospital, or sheriff’s department, or encountered anyone who is considered a mandatory reporter is ordered  to be seen at that practice at least once.  Because my counselor feels that to some extent I am still high risk, she likes to see me at least once a week.  Often she does not have anything available so I am given appointments on intake days.


Because she was running late, I had to sit longer than usual in the waiting room. It was a little difficult for me to sit there, with all the people I became very anxious.  I adopted my usual body language, arms crossed and no smile to discourage anyone from trying to talk to me.  I began to look around to see who all was in the waiting room with me. There was a group on the far side of the waiting room, where people wait when they are there to see the doctor.  Everyone in that group seemed to know each other and were having a very animated conversation.  On my side of the waiting room there was a lady who was around my age.  She was talking to one of the interns. She looked like she felt awful.  I could not help but over hear some of what she was saying to the intern.  I realized that she had very similar issues to me.  Even her body language was similar to mine. 


There was something about her that stuck with me, because after my appointment I was still thinking about her.  Finally, I realized what it was about her that had stuck with me.  She reminded me of how I was at the end of May, when I first started going there.  From how awful she looked, to her body language and how she was describing her anxiety and depression symptoms to the intern.  It truly was like looking in a mirror.  For the first time, I was able to see what I looked and acted like when things were at their very worst.


My family was caring and gentle enough to not tell me the truth about how bad I looked.  However, the nurse that I see at the counseling center, told me that when I saw him for the first time I looked awful and he was very worried about me.  I can see why now. The woman looked like she was walking on a very fine edge and was quickly becoming unbalanced.  She looked sad, worried and tired, very very tired.


I have been frustrated at times by the extra checking up on me that people, especially my husband, have been doing.  At times I have felt like I was being treated like a little kid.  However, after having had the opportunity to look into a mirror and see what I was like, I understand now why people have felt compelled to do those things.  They did not do them to intentionally make me feel as if I were a little child, but they did them out of love and concern because they could truly see on the outside what I had been like on the inside for a long time.


I am sure there have been other women in there who probably looked the way this woman did, but everything happens when it happens and how it happens for a reason.  Most likely the reason I did not see this in anyone else before is because I was not ready.  It certainly is a very heavy feeling to see yourself the way I saw myself yesterday.


I guess when I looked in a real mirror, I had blinders on.  I could see the bags under my eyes, and that I looked pale, but not really see what I actually looked like.  It is more than just what I saw in her face.  Her body too just had that sad, worried and tired look.  She walked like every inch of her was sore.  I am sure everyone has seen those commercials where the main line is “depression hurts”. I  have to tell you it does.  It seemed like I had an ever present ache in my whole body.  It never dawned on me that it would be visible to other people.


I am still trying to figure out what all I can take away from this experience.  At the very least, I think it gives me more of an understanding about why my husband is still very concerned about me.  I guess there are times when I am not having a good mental health day, that I probably look similar to that.  I think he knows when I am not having a good mental health day just by looking at my body and how I carry myself.  That explains to me why some days he seems very clingy.  Maybe what I need to take away from this, is that just like I am asking everyone to be patient with me, that I need to be patient with everyone else as well.

Look Forward

Posted on by
Reply

Look forward.  For me those two words have several meanings.  A person can “look forward” to an exciting upcoming event.   Someone can “look forward”, as in have their eyes/mind looking toward their future. Or for me personally, when I “looked forward”, it was often to think about my death, and how I had nothing hopeful to look forward to. 


In all that time that I was checked out from the world, not only was death on my mind, but I also experienced little to no personal growth.  Now that I have woken up, the process can begin again.  It needs to begin again. If it does not, then I know that I will be in the same shape, or even worse than I was in not too long ago.  In a stuck place, where I was barely functioning and barely living.


I do see a dilemma.  While it is a positive step for me to look forward and think about and even make plans, I need to be careful about how far I look, how much I plan.  It will cause me to stress out, worry, and have all sorts of bad thoughts if I take too much on.  For the most part my life still needs to measured out in day to day kind of way.  


 The biggest and most worrisome thing for me was what kind of person am I going to be when when I get on the other side of this recovery process.  I have already decided that I do not want to be the person I was before the depression started, but there are some qualities of that former self that I do want.  I  certainly do not want to be who I was when I was “checked out”.  It becomes hard to predict who I will turn out to be.


I began to think about it in a new light.  This is can be a very interesting opportunity for me.  To some extent I will be able to pick and choose what qualities I want, and how I want to be.  There are not many adults who are in a position to be able to do that. This is very exiting!  The way  I keep thinking about it in my head when I think about what I will be like in a few years is “When I grow up I will….”.  because that is how it feels like to me.


I will grow up one day at a time.  I will work hard to leave behind the things that cause me to feel bad about myself and hold on tight to the things that build me up.  When I grow up, the foundation of who I am, will be built on a solid foundation.  I will have confidence in myself.  I will be happy with myself.  I will LOVE myself.  I will learn how to take problems and challenges in stride.  I will learn how to do these things one day  at a time, facing each new day with confidence and an attitude that is open to learning, and not worry about what the next day will throw at me.  I will LOVE myself.


I look forward to what I will learn today. Today I do LOVE myself.

Neither In Or Out

Posted on by
Reply

I have blogged more than once about my anxiety and how it can and has prevented me from leaving the house on a frequent basis.  For example, today my husband had to work, and my daughter wanted me to take her to youth group, but the time of day we needed to go and where we were going caused my anxiety levels to increase dramatically.  In the end I had to tell her “No”.  She was very disappointed with me, and I was very sad because I had disappointed her.  So you can see how the anxiety I have can really get in the way of life, and not just mine.

There is another aspect to my anxiety that I have not blogged about.  It is not bad enough that I have horrible anxiety and panic attacks that prevent me from leaving the house often, but I also have a similar reaction when people come to my house.  Now isn’t that a kicker?

If I know someone is coming to my house a day or two before they are due to come, I start feeling anxious.  Even though the house is clean, I will go through and reclean it and turn into a horrible, mean, nag towards my husband and daughter so they will help and make things my image of  “perfect”.   We all know how easy it is to reach perfection. By the time my husband convinces me the house cannot get any cleaner, I am so stressed that I am miserable and have made everyone around me just as miserable.

If someone just shows up to my house, well then “it ain’t purty”.  As soon as they leave, I have to go to bed.  I stay in bed until the next day and hope that the stress of an unexpected visit will go away. 

I know why I have such a reaction when people come over.  My house is my safety zone.  It is and also represents the one place where I am “free to be me”.  I do not have to act like I am comfortable, because I already am.  I do not have to pretend like I want to talk to people, because I do not have to here.  I do not have to wear makeup and if it is a bad mental health day, I can stay in my pajamas all day.  Or I can have naked laundry day.  Having to leave it sometimes is bad, but to have people invade, and it feels like an invasion to me, my safety zone it is almost more than I can bear.

When I first started seeing my counselor, she did some kind of assessment on me to see what sort of services I qualified for from their practice.  I qualified for everything.  I am considered a high risk patient because of the suicide attempts.  One of the things I qualified for was some kind of extra service where these social workers would come to my house on the weekends or during the week, basically whenever I did not have an appointment and sort of provide me with extra support.  I liked the idea until my counselor let me know about the whole having to come to my house thing.  Then I had sort of melt down in her office.  I had not been seeing her long, so she did not know about the whole panic attack when people come over to my house thing.  She decided, after witnessing my panic attack, that it would do more harm than good to have the social workers show up to my house. 

I look at this and I can see how dramatically it affects me and my life, the unfortunate thing is that it affects my husband and daughter as well.  She cannot have friends spend the night over because of me not being able to handle people in the house and the noise they make (that is a story for another day).  My husband cannot have his guy friends over.  Depression and anxiety are diseases that take a toll on the whole family.

My hope is that one day I can feel less anxious about going places and way less anxious about my house being invaded by other people.  Sometimes it seems like this whole recovery process is taking so long.  I often have to remind myself that it does take a long time, and I have not been in treatment all that long.

Looking Back

Posted on by
Reply

In the few short months that I have been in recovery for my major depression and an anxiety disorder, I can see a big difference in my life already.  I know that I still have a long way to go, but the process does not seem as daunting as it used to be.  At least for the moment.

In the beginning of my recovery process, I used to tell my counselor that I wanted to go back to the person I used to be before the depression.  I had that “old me” on a pedestal.  It represented everything that I had lost because of the depression, asthma, diabetes and the anxiety.  I was convinced that if I got that “old me” back, then I would be healed and my recovery process would be over.

I began to look back at who I used to be.  I was a mom who was running children all over the place for hours every afternoon.  The mom and wife who always made sure that supper was ready for the family, even with all that running around.  I was the mom and wife who cleaned and maintained the whole house, and was always available for the family to come to and talk with.  I was the mom who home schooled a child.  I was the mom and wife who……..Do you see a theme here?  I was everything that the family needed, but I was never anything for myself.

Even then I was unhappy.  I would never have acknowledged that I was unhappy and dis-satisfied, but I was. All, I had been looking at was the fact that I could accomplish so much in  a day, not the reality of who I was. Who I really was, was woman who had no voice, and no identity of her own.  I was not appreciated for who I was, but for the things I could do for others.  It is not my family’s fault that they could not appreciate me for who I was.  There was no way they could since so much of who I was , revolved around and was wrapped up in doing things for them.

Then suddenly, like a toy who has wound down, I was stuck.  Stuck in a life where I could do nothing for anyone, including myself. When I finally, got “unstuck”, the world had moved on, and had passed me by.  It was hard to think of my child as a teenager, when I still thought of her as that little girl from three years before.  In many ways, I still did not have an identity to call my own.  So I grasped onto that “old me” thinking that was my goal.

Once I started feeling better, and could semi-function I started trying to fit into that old mold of me.  It did not last for long, my medication quit working and I became overwhelmed with depression very quickly.    Looking back again, I started to see a pattern.  The pattern I saw was that I always seemed to wrap part or all of me up in what I could do for other people.  Most of the time my family, but at times it was other people too. At some point, I would always become frustrated and unhappy, and it always led to a depressed state.  Or if for whatever reason the relationships with the other people ended, and I could no longer get at least part of  my identity from them, it would leave me at a loss and also sad and depressed.

I began to think about the things I could see about myself when I was looking back. I realized that I was not the  “strong” person that I had thought I was.  I was someone whose whole world and identity were based on what I could do for others and not based on my own skills and accomplishments.  Looking back has made me rethink that goal of being the person I was before the depression got so bad that I “checked” out.

Panic, Panic, Panic

Posted on by
Reply

I was inspired today. There was someone who is on my facebook friend’s list who posted that she was experiencing a panic/anxiety attack while she was at work and had no medication to help her get it under control. While we were talking back and forth I mentioned that I had been thinking of blogging about what a panic attack is like from the perspective of the person having it. Her response was that I “should do that, because not many people understand”

I can only describe what a panic attack is like from my perspective. I will do the best I can to make sure it is a well thought out and coherent description, but sometimes it is difficult to put some panic attack symptoms into words. My panic attacks may or may not be like someone else’s, however, I am sure there are some common elements in everyone’s panic attacks.

Something may happen that causes me extra stress, or it could be that I am worrying too much about something. It could be nothing at all. It does not have to be a huge earth shattering event to start me moving toward a panic attack.

Usually, my panic attacks start off gradually. I start feeling some extra stress. Without really paying attention to what I am doing I start rubbing my hands together, or taking deeps breaths and letting them out with a sighing sounds.

As the attack starts building up, I begin to feel a gnawing in my stomach. The thoughts in my head start racing. I cannot concentrate on any one thing. Very often I become very silent. Because my thoughts are racing, I have a hard time putting sentences together. I can try to distract myself, reading, cross stitching, crochet, but it is impossible to concentrate on those things as well. There is a deep seated fear in my gut, that seems to give fuel to the panic attack.

As the fear fuels the panic attack, I start experiencing stronger physical symptoms. My heart begins to beat rapidly, not as fast as it will get, but definitely much faster than usual. My breathing begins to become more rapid and it feels like I am close to not being able to get enough air in my body. The gnawing feeling in my stomach gives way to burning pain. There are times when I have to urinate more frequently, or even start having diarrhea as a result of the panic attack.

As my heart begins to pick up more speed and my breathing becomes worse, the panic becomes worse. I usually begin to cry. The only thing I can focus on is the fear, panic and a feeling that the physical symptoms will cause me to die.

I cannot catch my breath and my chest begins to hurt. My heart is pounding so hard and so fast that each time it pounds it hurts. My breathing is fast and now has a distinct wheeze to it. I am sweating profusely because my body is working hard. The physical symptoms have manifested to a point where they have triggered an asthma attack. At this point I “know” I am going to die. I feel that bad. The burning pain in my stomach has increased ten fold. I have to use my rescue inhaler because of the asthma attack, and the abuterol in it causes me to start shaking allover, adding to my misery.

Finally,there comes a point where I feel like I cannot sit up anymore. There is not a part of my body that is not aching. I feel that if something does not change very quickly, I will die. My head is hurting and I feel light headed. Walking is almost impossible to do. If I am around people I will go hide somewhere, I am embarrassed and do not want others to see me like this. If I am at home I will crawl into bed. I am full of fear and panic. I want nothing more than for this to end.

If I am at home and I can make it into bed, I will pull the covers over my head, which is comforting to me. I will lay there feeling my chest hurt, trying to catch my breath, and trying to let go of the fear that I am going to die. Gradually, everything starts slowing down and the fear and panic begin to seep away. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion I will fall asleep.

If I am not alone, I stay hidden until I can pull myself together. It takes a while, to get everything to slow down and to let go of the fear and panic. Usually, despite my efforts to be alone, someone will find me. If it is my husband, he will know that the best thing for me is to be alone. If it is someone else, they can usually figure out that something is wrong. With good intentions, they usually try and stay and “help” me, not really understanding that I need to be alone so that the panic attack can run its natural course. I try very hard to concentrate on slowing my breathing, and my heart rate. The fear and panic are still there. Eventually, the physical symptoms begin to subside, but mentally, my mind is still in panic attack mode.

At least with the physical symptoms easing off, some of my fear and panic start easing away. My mind is still racing though. I am usually silent and do not engage anyone in conversation. It is easier to pretend that everything is OK if I stay silent. I am worn out, wishing I was at home in my bed. As soon as possible, I will go home, change into pajamas and climb into bed, where the last of the panic and fear can go away.

Now that I take Effexor, which is an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication, it is rare for me to have a full blown panic attack.  If I do start to have a panic attack, I have some extra anti-anxiety medication, vistiril, that starts working in about fifteen minutes.  It heads off a panic attack before it can become too intense.  Every once in a while, I will have a panic attack that does not respond to medication.  Those panic attacks are usually triggered by an immense amount of stress.

Job Description Of A Professional Worrier

Posted on by
Reply

I am a person who worries a lot.  The truth is, to say I worry a lot is rather an understatement. It would be more accurate to say I worry almost all the time.  There is no limit to the things I can worry about.  I worry so much that I have been told that I am a Professional Worrier. 

A Professional Worrier?  This made me start thinking about what the job description of a Professional Worrier would be like.

The Professional Worrier must be prepared to work hard.  Maintaining a constant flow of worries is very hard and exhausting work.  The Professional Worrier must be able to mentally multi-task.  Making sure each and every worry receives the appropriate amount of worry time and have the ability to recognize when a worry needs extra attention.

The Professional Worrier must be constantly looking for something new to worry about. If there is nothing new to worry about, it is acceptable to start worrying about an old worry, or to give one of the current worries extra worrying time.

Every once in a while the Professional Worrier must create a worry that really does not exist.  For example, lets say the Professional Worrier purchases a new outfit for a very important event.  At the store the outfit looks awesome and the Professional Worrier is very pleased with it. At the event, the Professional Worrier realizes that they are not worrying about anything.  This would be the perfect opportunity to make up a worry about the new outfit.  The Professional Worrier might start to worry about the fit of the new outfit.  Eventually the Professional Worrier can convince themselves that they were wrong about how the outfit fit in the rear end.  That made up worry can then to lead to a multitude of worries.  This is called the worry Jack Pot.  The Professional Worrier can worry about other people noticing how badly the outfit fits in the rear end.  Then they can worry about the wedgie the badly fitting outfit might cause. Or even worry about the outfit splitting in the rear end because of the bad fit.  Every non-existent worry that the Professional Worrier creates must be played out with the same thoughts, feelings and effort that would be utilized on an actual worry.

The Professional Worrier must be willing to live with high blood pressure, heart palpitations, headaches, and stomach issues.   The Professional Worrier can use these physical worrying symptoms as a source for things to worry about.  For example, the Professional Worrier can start worrying that they are having a heart attack when they experience heart palpitations due to their constant worrying.  Or worry that they have a brain tumor because of the headache they have had for days as a result of worrying.

The Professional Worrier must be willing to externalize their worries. This can be obtained by rubbing their hands together for hours. Another method for externalizing worries is to frequently audibly sigh.

The Professional Worrier must not enjoy sleeping.  A good night”s sleep is against the very nature of a Professional Worrier.  The Professional Worrier must use the night time, while everyone else is sleeping, to pay full attention to all of their worries.  The night time is very effective for worrying because there are no distractions and all the Professional Worrier has to look at is the ceiling. Instead of counting sheep at night, the Professional worry counts their worries.

Finally, the Professional Worrier must never share what they are worrying about with other people.  Once a worried is shared it is harder to worry about. Since the goal of a Professional Worrier is to worry, sharing the worry burden would prevent the Professional Worrier from being able to expend an exhausting amount of energy on worrying.

Don’t you think being a Professional Worrier sounds like a fun job?

Things To Say To A Depressed Person

Posted on by
Reply

It can be difficult to find the right thing to say to a friend or loved one who is suffering from depression.  You do not want to say the wrong thing that might upset them, at the same time you want to offer them heart felt and sincere support.  You also want whatever you say to acknowledge that they have the right to their feelings and not to minimize their depression.

1  I love you
While they may not respond with an “I love you” back, they do hear this and it helps, it counter acts some of that self hating dialogue they have in their head

2  I care
Again it helps counter act some of the self hating  dialoge they have in their head

3  You are not alone in this
This lets the depressed person know they have a support system.

4  Do you want a hug?
Always ask. Sometimes a depressed person wants a hug and it helps them feel better for a bit. However, some depressed people do not want to be touched.  I know when I am having a bad day and the depression seems to be in control, I do not want anyone touching me.  A hug would just push me over the edge

5   I am not going to leave or abandon you
It is very important that the depressed person hear this.  They know they are not being the best parent,spouse, friend but they cannot do anything about it.  However, this lets them know that no matter how badly they are at those things for now, you will be there for them.  Shortly after I started my recovery process I had a massive panic attack because I was convinced my husband was going to leave me because of how difficult the depression made our lives.  He had never even hinted that he would leave me but I built it up in my mind that he would.  When I finally told him what I had been thinking, he was able to reassure me by telling me he was not going anywhere.

6  Would you like to hold my hand and we can talk about it?
Depending on how each depressed person feels, holding a hand may be beneficial to them,  or they may not want to.  Either way, the depressed person knows you are willing to sit down with them and listen.

7  I can’t fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
The depressed person can see that you are trying to support them even if you do not understand what is going on. with them

8  You are important to me
This lets the depressed person know that they have an important place in your heart and will help them feel loved.

As you can see all of these phrases have something in common.  They are positive statements, that are meant to validate and encourage the depressed loved one.  

Even when using these positive statements, it can be very frustrating when communicating with a depressed loved one.  It is very important that you maintain a healthy detachment and take care of your own emotional needs so that you can continue to be a comforting force in your depressed loved one’s life.

Things To Never Say To A Depressed Person

Posted on by
4

Ever since I have been more open about having major depression, various people have felt the need to share their personal thoughts with me about depression,  people with depression, and causes of depression.  There is no doubt in my mind that some people meant well, and just chose their words poorly. However, with some people I have to wonder what they were thinking when they said what they did.  Maybe they thought they had the perfect advice that would “heal me” of my depression.  Here is a list I have made of a few of the things that people have said to me over the months.

1.   I guess if you really want to kill yourself you might as well, there is nothing anyone can do about it
Obviously, this is not what you should say to a depressed person with suicidal thoughts
 
2.   depression is not a real illness, it is just an excuse to be lazy
As if I enjoy feeling so bad that even taking a shower is too much work for me.
 
3.   the only thing that cures depression is going to church
I am not one to knock Christianity or the value that some people find in going to church, but this    statement seems to minimize depression

4.   all you need to do is just get out of the house more often
A family member thinks my cure is to not be at home, then I cannot concentrate on the things making me depressed.  Again, mininizes depression, and how bad it truly makes a person feel.

5.   you are taking medicine, you should not be depressed
 Some people think that immediately upon taking anti-depression medication that I should no longer have depression symptoms.

6.   you are talking too much medicine, no wonder you are depressed
Medicine that I need

7.   depression is a state of mind
I laugh in part to this one, because while they mean I need to get a positive attitude, they do not know that depression , to some extent, comes from the messed up chemicals in your brain.

8.   all you need to do is think positive and you will get over it
 Yes, I was positive I wanted to die, death would be one way of getting over it.

9.   You are too smart to want to kill yourself
 sadly, this one came from my husband.  I know he meant well when he said it, he just did not understand how depression works at the time he said it.  I felt he was implying that I was stupid because I had tried to commit suicide.

10. get on your knees and pray, prayer is the only cure for depression
Again, not to knock Christianity, prayer is helpful, for some it can ease their troubles, especially if it is situational depression, but for major depression, medication and counseling also have to be in the solution.This made me feel as if they thought I was not as good of a Christian as they are, because praying was not working for me.

11. There are people worse off than you, you have nothing to be depressed about
 Believe it or not the doctor I saw in the state run psychiatric hospital said this too me.  He should know better than anyone what the cause of major depression is.  I really wanted to let him have it for that statement, but I wanted to get out of the hospital even more. 

12. you are only a little sad, it will go away eventually
Again, someone who had no idea what depression is really like

13. Take the following vitamins and I guarantee that you will be cured of your depression in a month
I wish it was as easy as that to cure depression.

14. you need to drink more water
Apparently, my brain was dehydrated and that was the cause of all my problems.

15 you are just feeling sorry for yourself
Yes, there were/are times when I do feel sorry for myself, but that is not the cause of major depression

16 you are only depressed because you want to be
You are right!  I enjoy feeling bad in every inch of my body, and not being able to concentrate long enough to read a page in a book.  I enjoy not sleeping, and feeling like I am a burden to my family because I cannot even manage a load of laundry

17 depression really means that you are being selfish
Please see above

18 you are only thinking of yourself
 Please see above

19 just get over it
 I wish!  I tried snapping my fingers to “just get over it” but it did not work.

20 you just want people to feel sorry for you
Not really, I felt more like a burden when people pitied me

21 A hobby will fix you right up
I cannot even concentrate to read and yet you think I could concentrate enough to manage a hobby? 

22 use your will power, and you can get over it
What will power?  Mine seems to have disappeared.

23 I was depressed once, I went to the herb store and got all these great herbs and I got over it
Ha!  Depressed once!?

24 So?  
 Obviously, they do not care

25 There is no such thing as depression, it is an illness made up by doctors an drug companies to get more money.
This person sounds as if they need their own type of psychiatric medication. 

I Am Afraid, Very Afraid

Posted on by
Reply

Along with the major depression, I have an anxiety disorder.  I have probably had it to some degree most if not all of my life, however, it did not start to impact the quality of my life until a few years ago. At that time my anxiety manifested to such a degree that at times it became almost impossible for me to leave the house.

I am convinced the daily worry of dealing with the things that were going on in my home when I was a child, set up a pattern of learned behavior. That learned behavior was combined with the chemicals in my brain that did not work properly and some genetic factors, making me more wired to worry than most people are.  However, I know there are plenty of people out their with similar wiring who do not end up as incapacitated as I became.

There was a time in my life that as a single woman and mother I could function quite well.  I would be anxious and worried but it was more in the back of my mind, and it did not affect my life style.  I could take the subway into down town Atlanta with no problem.  Make my way around Hong Kong, or work two jobs. I could socialize away from home. The anxiety was not in control of me. 

At some point things began to gradually change. So gradually that I cannot really pin point exactly when it started.  I can say how it first started manifesting itself.  At first if I was going to be away from home for longer than an hour or so I would have to repeatedly call my house.  I was checking to see if my house had burned down.  That was the worry in my head.  I knew that if the house had burned down, when I called I would get that fast busy signal that indicates that the connection to the house was broken.  After a while I realized that the further away from the house I got, the worse that worry would get.

Later on the anxiety started revolving around the mail.  I absolutely have to be home when the mail runs.  While logically I know the world would not come to an end if I am not home, physically and anxiety wise it feels like it will. Again, I noticed that the further away from the house I got, the more anxious I was about the mail.

Being in a group of people began to bother me.  I get anxious and become physically exhausted when I spend time around a group of people.  The the larger the group the more intense my reaction is.   Many times, in anticipation of a group event, the anxiety will begin days before the event is supposed to happen.  Making it so that by the time the event is supposed to take place, I can barely function and then I usually end up not going.  Also, not being able to escape a group event when I want to can cause an intense anxiety reaction.  If I have to ride with someone to a group event, I have no escape since I am dependent on what the other person wants to do.

The anxiety kept getting worse.  I began to wake up with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It is as if I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel anxious every day, and if someone were to ask me, most of the time, I would not be able to name an exact thing that is causing it.  I often have to take huge “cleansing” breaths just to be able to get myself to function or move. The anxiety that I wake up with usually builds through out the day so that by the time the afternoon gets here I am almost paralyzed by it.

My problem with groups and/or crowds got worse.  I had reached a point before I started therapy that I could not manage to even go to the grocery store most of the time.  To make my husband and daughter happy, I would attempt to go some place with them at least once a week, but I would be miserable the whole time. Loud noises in that type of setting would make the anxiety worse.

Because I go around in a constant state of anxiety, when something does happen, I over react to it. It could be a normal stress trigger, like an extra bill.  With most people it would cause them a little extra anxiety, however with me, I  shut down instantly and cannot function. Either I just sit in one spot rubbing my hands,or I have a panic attack.

I started creating elaborate plans of how I wanted things to go. My reasoning is that if I have everything planned out then I would have nothing to feel anxious about. The problem with that is that life does not go according to how we plan it, no matter how good we think our plans are. So with things constantly not going the way I plan, it is not unusual for me to spend days on the verge of a panic attack.

Finally, the anxiety progressed to a point that there became a clearly defined area, with my house being in the center, that my anxiety was manageable but once I left that “safety zone” as I call it, the panic set in.

Basically, I have been almost completely house bound at times.  However, with there being so many things, even at home, that cause me to feel anxious or panicked, almost every one of my days is spent in with a nagging, gnawing fear. I am almost always on the edge of panic.

The anxiety has caused me to miss important events in different family member’s lives.  I have had to watch the world go by and not be able to participate.  I have lost friendships because I could not get past the panic to do the work to maintain them. I have lost relationships with some family members because they thought I was faking or that I was not trying enough to get over my panic attacks and I could no longer participate in their lives outside the home like I used to.

I feel like the anxiety and panic have changed me from a woman who had some confidence in herself, to someone who is very weak and spends most of her time being afraid. The fear has manifested itself to such a degree, that I am even extremely easy to startle. It has invaded my whole being.  There are times when it has made me feel as if I were less of a person.

Remission?

Posted on by
Reply

Today it was time for my weekly appointment with my counselor. While I was having my session with her, I learned that there is an actual goal that all of my therapy and depression medication is supposed to help me achieve.  I know that sounds funny to say, because you would think the goal off all of this was pretty obvious, to keep me from getting so depressed I try to kill myself again.  That is one of the goals of depression treatment, but it is not the ultimate goal.  The ultimate goal is to achieve a state of remission.

What that means is that if I can go a certain period of time without any depression symptoms, can fully function inside and outside the home, and I can have positive social interactions then I will be considered to be in remission.  Because of the length of time I went without any treatment for my depression, the severity of it, and my other health issues, it could take a few years to achieve remission.

Because I have been feeling so good for the last week or so my counselor wanted to warn me that when I had a bad day it was going to feel pretty bad.  If I had more than a couple of bad days in a row, then I would need to take some emergency steps.  So she gave me some home work.  I have to create a list of ten things I can do if I have a bad day.  None of them can include staying in bed all day, like I want to do when I have a bad day.  My counselor told me that if all I can do is get dressed and spend the day in the living room, then I would still be more productive than if I had spent the whole day in bed.  The other part of the home work is to have a list of people I can call in an emergency if I have two bad days in a row.  She explained to me that making these plans and implementing them would help me on the road to achieving remission.   

Why is remission so important?  It is so important because unless someone with major depression achieves full remission, they are at high risk for having a relapse and doing poorly in the long term.  The problem with relapsing is that each relapse is worse than the one before it, and the length of time it takes for the depression symptoms to become severe is shortened. 

The part that I do not like about this whole remission thing, is the length of time it could take to achieve it.  I am always looking for the quick and easy solution in this recovery process and once again I am reminded that I have spent most of my life working up  to being so sick with major depression, and that there can be no easy or quick solution.  If I sit and think about how long this whole process can take then I know my anxiety disorder will kick into high gear.

I guess the best thing I can do for myself is to remember that tackling one day at a time is the best thing for me.  I will do the home work, and set up my emergency plans and then promptly forget about them until I need them.  I see no sense in allowing my emergency plans to get in the way of taking on life one day at a time.

So for today, I am going to celebrate the healing I have already done.