I am a person who worries a lot. The truth is, to say I worry a lot is rather an understatement. It would be more accurate to say I worry almost all the time. There is no limit to the things I can worry about. I worry so much that I have been told that I am a Professional Worrier.
A Professional Worrier? This made me start thinking about what the job description of a Professional Worrier would be like.
The Professional Worrier must be prepared to work hard. Maintaining a constant flow of worries is very hard and exhausting work. The Professional Worrier must be able to mentally multi-task. Making sure each and every worry receives the appropriate amount of worry time and have the ability to recognize when a worry needs extra attention.
The Professional Worrier must be constantly looking for something new to worry about. If there is nothing new to worry about, it is acceptable to start worrying about an old worry, or to give one of the current worries extra worrying time.
Every once in a while the Professional Worrier must create a worry that really does not exist. For example, lets say the Professional Worrier purchases a new outfit for a very important event. At the store the outfit looks awesome and the Professional Worrier is very pleased with it. At the event, the Professional Worrier realizes that they are not worrying about anything. This would be the perfect opportunity to make up a worry about the new outfit. The Professional Worrier might start to worry about the fit of the new outfit. Eventually the Professional Worrier can convince themselves that they were wrong about how the outfit fit in the rear end. That made up worry can then to lead to a multitude of worries. This is called the worry Jack Pot. The Professional Worrier can worry about other people noticing how badly the outfit fits in the rear end. Then they can worry about the wedgie the badly fitting outfit might cause. Or even worry about the outfit splitting in the rear end because of the bad fit. Every non-existent worry that the Professional Worrier creates must be played out with the same thoughts, feelings and effort that would be utilized on an actual worry.
The Professional Worrier must be willing to live with high blood pressure, heart palpitations, headaches, and stomach issues. The Professional Worrier can use these physical worrying symptoms as a source for things to worry about. For example, the Professional Worrier can start worrying that they are having a heart attack when they experience heart palpitations due to their constant worrying. Or worry that they have a brain tumor because of the headache they have had for days as a result of worrying.
The Professional Worrier must be willing to externalize their worries. This can be obtained by rubbing their hands together for hours. Another method for externalizing worries is to frequently audibly sigh.
The Professional Worrier must not enjoy sleeping. A good night”s sleep is against the very nature of a Professional Worrier. The Professional Worrier must use the night time, while everyone else is sleeping, to pay full attention to all of their worries. The night time is very effective for worrying because there are no distractions and all the Professional Worrier has to look at is the ceiling. Instead of counting sheep at night, the Professional worry counts their worries.
Finally, the Professional Worrier must never share what they are worrying about with other people. Once a worried is shared it is harder to worry about. Since the goal of a Professional Worrier is to worry, sharing the worry burden would prevent the Professional Worrier from being able to expend an exhausting amount of energy on worrying.
Don’t you think being a Professional Worrier sounds like a fun job?