Look forward.  For me those two words have several meanings.  A person can “look forward” to an exciting upcoming event.   Someone can “look forward”, as in have their eyes/mind looking toward their future. Or for me personally, when I “looked forward”, it was often to think about my death, and how I had nothing hopeful to look forward to. 


In all that time that I was checked out from the world, not only was death on my mind, but I also experienced little to no personal growth.  Now that I have woken up, the process can begin again.  It needs to begin again. If it does not, then I know that I will be in the same shape, or even worse than I was in not too long ago.  In a stuck place, where I was barely functioning and barely living.


I do see a dilemma.  While it is a positive step for me to look forward and think about and even make plans, I need to be careful about how far I look, how much I plan.  It will cause me to stress out, worry, and have all sorts of bad thoughts if I take too much on.  For the most part my life still needs to measured out in day to day kind of way.  


 The biggest and most worrisome thing for me was what kind of person am I going to be when when I get on the other side of this recovery process.  I have already decided that I do not want to be the person I was before the depression started, but there are some qualities of that former self that I do want.  I  certainly do not want to be who I was when I was “checked out”.  It becomes hard to predict who I will turn out to be.


I began to think about it in a new light.  This is can be a very interesting opportunity for me.  To some extent I will be able to pick and choose what qualities I want, and how I want to be.  There are not many adults who are in a position to be able to do that. This is very exiting!  The way  I keep thinking about it in my head when I think about what I will be like in a few years is “When I grow up I will….”.  because that is how it feels like to me.


I will grow up one day at a time.  I will work hard to leave behind the things that cause me to feel bad about myself and hold on tight to the things that build me up.  When I grow up, the foundation of who I am, will be built on a solid foundation.  I will have confidence in myself.  I will be happy with myself.  I will LOVE myself.  I will learn how to take problems and challenges in stride.  I will learn how to do these things one day  at a time, facing each new day with confidence and an attitude that is open to learning, and not worry about what the next day will throw at me.  I will LOVE myself.


I look forward to what I will learn today. Today I do LOVE myself.