Category Archives: Anxiety

Confession Is Good For The Soul

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

Confession is good for the soul is what I have been told.  I hope it is, because today is my day to confess.  

Since Friday my mental health has not been as good has it has been.  It is not as bad as it can get, but that is not saying a lot.  I have been down, wanting to isolate myself, quiet, and I have not felt like communicating with anyone.  I have a counselor’s appointment Thursday so I will be sure to bring it up to her then.  I have been faking feeling OK on my blog and with my daughter.  However, even over the phone my husband can tell that I am not in a good frame of mind.   I even lacked the motivation to take a shower and get dressed for a couple of days.  

Some positives are I am not having any suicidal thoughts, and I am not having a negative dialogue running through my head.  I mostly feel disengaged from things.  

It could be a normal “down” time that everyone goes through, but it is still a struggle for me to identify “normal” emotions as compared to my out of control emotions.  That is why running this past the counselor is a good thing, she helps me identify which category my emotions are in.  


So that is my confession.  I felt compelled to do it because from the beginning of my recovery process I promised I would always tell the truth about what was going on.  Sometimes the person I need to tell the truth to the most is myself. 

The Sky Is Falling

Posted on by
Reply

 Photobucket
 

I had yet another children’s book on my mind today.  The story of Chicken Little.  After re-reading it this morning, I realized that Chicken Little was having a major panic attack.  I also realized that there were several things in the story that I could apply to myself. 

Not only was Chicken Little experiencing a panic attack, but he was having a panic attack over something imaginary.  

“Chicken Little was in the woods.
A seed fell on his tail.
Chicken Little said,
“The sky is falling.
I will run.”

Photobucket

I have had more than one panic attack over something I imagined.  Whatever I had created in my mind, became real to me, the feelings were absolutely real.  The things I created in my mind that caused me to have a panic attack, were huge.  Sometimes it would be imagining my whole family being killed in an awful car accident. Once after I tried to commit suicide in May, and the right medicine mix had not been found for me, I started imagining that my husband was done with me, because he could not handle being married to someone who was mentally ill.  

Very much like Chicken Little taking off and running, I can spend several hours pacing the house. not able to concentrate, and crying buckets of tears when I have a panic attack due to something I imagined.  Days like that lead me to have many bad thoughts. 



Another thing I noticed about Chicken Little and his panic attack is that the longer the panic attack went on, the more details his imagination added to his “story”. 

“How do you know, Chicken Little?”

“I saw it with my eyes.
I heard it with my ears.
Some of it fell on my tail.”

Photobucket

I have done the same thing when something I have imagined has caused me to have a panic attack.  All it succeeds in doing is making the panic attack worse.   


Chicken Little’s reasons for having the panic attack were so real to him that he managed to convince a few of his friends that the sky was really falling.  They started having panic attacks, and they started running.  I would think that by this point all of those animal/people having panic attacks were feeding each others fears.  I know that if I am around people who are anxious or panicking about something, it feeds my own fears and makes things worse.  That is one of the reasons I choose to only be around people who are positive and not prone to drama.


The final outcome for Chicken Little and his panicking friends was not very good.  They got so caught up in their panic attacks that they lost their common sense.  They actually thought a predator by the name of Foxy Loxy was going to help them.

“Foxy Loxy said,
“We will run.
We will run into my den,
And I will tell the king.”

They ran into Foxy Loxy’s den,
But they did not come out again.”

Photobucket

I cannot even count the times that I have had a panic attack and lost all the common sense I had.  No common sense means I make very poor decisions.  An example of this is when I tried to kill myself.  I had been thinking constantly about suicide for months and months but had not acted on those thoughts.  When my husband lost his job and and we lost our insurance, we could no longer afford my medications.  I had gone to the free clinic in our county, and they were able to provide me with all my medicines except for one. I became very discouraged and panicky over not being able to get that one particular medication.  I have restless leg syndrome.  It is fairly bad.  When I do not have my medicine for it, I do not sleep and my legs get in such bad shape that I am miserable.  I began to panic at the thought of how miserable I was going to be for who knows how long. I decided that I could not live without having that medicine.  It was at this point I chose to act on the suicidal thoughts I had been having for so long.  It was a very poor decision that I made while having a panic attack, it almost cost me my life.  


Chicken Little and his friends were eaten.  Obviously their situation got worse due to their panic attacks.  Often when I have a panic attack, I become paralyzed with fear.  I can take no productive action about what is making me panic.  That inaction due to panic, makes the situation worse than if I had just been calm and dealt with it.


The original version of Chicken Little was a fable.  It has been passed down from generation to generation, in an oral tradition.  Fables tend to have a moral lesson in them.  I find the things that I picked out that I could apply to myself interesting.  I know the “professionals” who dissect stories find different moral lessons than I did.  I suppose there is no way to tell fo
r sure what moral lesson the original story teller wanted people to learn from from Chicken Little. Maybe he wanted people to do exactly what I did and find themselves and their flaws in it and learn from it.  

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Posted on by
Reply

PhotobucketPhotobucket

 Most of you who are reading this are probably familiar with the children’s book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.  At one point I had the whole thing memorized from having read it to my daughter so many times.  When she was hungry she would even say she was a hungry caterpillar.  

That book came to mind today.  I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few years, and how much more change  I have to look forward to.  How I am in a transformation process, that I do not know how long it is going to last or what the final outcome outcome might be. 

Very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who spends most of his time as a caterpillar preparing for a transformation, and in the transformation process itself, I feel as if I spent most of my life preparing for a transformation, or in the process of transforming.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel as if I have grown up.  

There was a question in one of the memes I did today that asked if there was anything I could change about my past, what would I change.  There was a similar question in a meme I did last week.  From what I can tell, it appears that I lot of people have something in their past that they wish they could change.  Each time I got that question, I answered it in a similar fashion.  

Remember when The Very Hungry Caterpillar had the tummy ache because of eating too much of the wrong things?  He learned from that experience.  I think if The Very Hungry Caterpillar were asked if he could change anything about his past, he would probably answer “No”. He became a different and slightly better caterpillar because of the tummy ache.   There is not one thing I would change about my past.  Nothing.  It is not as if I have had the most pleasant life, far from it in fact.  Some things in my past have caused me pain for years, yet they still help shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future.   


Would I be as aware of domestic violence issues, if a former spouse had not broken my nose in a fit of rage?  I doubt I would be.  If  something is not in my frame of reference I tend to not think about it.  I know I would not be so aware of major depression, its symptoms, treatments, and long term outlook, if I was not living with it myself.  Same with my anxiety disorder, diabetes, and asthma.  I know without my childhood experiences, I would have no clue about what it is like to live in an extremely dysfunctional family.  Those experiences allow me to empathize with people in similar situations, and maybe even  be able to provide them with effective support. 



Now that I finally feel like I am a grownup, I can see a few truths about myself.  I have used some negative past experiences as excuses for my own negative behaviors.  When my major depression was really bad, before I started getting treatment, I used the diabetes and asthma as excuses for why I had no interest in going anywhere, instead of being honest with people.  To some extent, I have control over my depression.  About a year before I started getting treatment for it, I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.  I even knew what it was.  I chose not to tell anyone about it.  I chose to go ahead with my suicide plans instead of telling anyone that those thoughts were going through my head.  


I wonder if The Hungry Caterpillar was afraid when he started his transformation into The Beautiful Butterfly?  I know that there have been times when I have been afraid during my own transforming process.  I have been afraid because, especially lately, I am changing a great deal.  It has caused a shift in my family dynamics.  I am most definitely not the same person my husband married.  That person went with the flow of things, allowed other people to make decisions for her, and did not stand up for herself.  Now, I am all about setting boundaries, standing up for myself, and finding and using my own voice to make decisions and participate fully with things, instead of just going with the flow all the time.


My transformation has been difficult for my husband at times.  It has caused some friction in our marriage.  There have been times when I have thought we were not going to make it through this process together.  What gives me hope that we will make it, is that I see him earnestly trying to keep up with my transformation and working on himself as well.

In my head, I keep seeing myself as a beautiful butterfly.  Not on the outside, but on the inside.  I will have a beauty inside me that I have never experienced before.  I will no longer be filled with negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Instead, I see my butterfly self as someone who exudes peace, tranquility, and positivity.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        &
nbsp;                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Protecting What I Have Gained

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

I do not know about other people who live with depression but I very often feel as if I have less control over my depression when my environment is negative.  The negativity could be caused by people’s drama, certain songs on the radio, movies, or even television shows.

Being so new in my depression recovery, not even a year, I know that it would be very easy for me to have a serious set back and lose a lot of the ground I have gained so far in my recovery.  In an effort to protect that, I have made certain ground rules for myself to keep my environment as positive as possible.

1.  No drama.  Family or otherwise.  If someone attempts to draw me into their drama, I close off communication.  Sometimes permanently, sometimes only temporarily.  It just depends on how drama prone the person is.  I know how I am.  Drama feeds into the anger I have, which then feeds into my rage, I say something I regret, whic then feeds into my depression.  Or the drama just flat out depresses me.

2.  No surrounding myself with negative people with negative thoughts and actions.  I have even gone so far as to forbid negative comments from my family.  Constructive advice is good, negative comments are bad.  That includes gossiping about others.  Gossip is negative.  I strictly follow the rule of “if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all”. 

3.  I always look for at least three positive things for every not so wonderful situation.  Sometimes finding three positive things is difficult or impossible, but I always attempt to find those three things.  That way I am always guaranteed to have a minimum of one positive thing about every situation.  Sometimes the positive things are silly.  For example, when it looked like I might have to be in the hospital for Christmas, one of the nurses decided to help me decorate my room and I was looking forward to seeing Santa Claus in the hospital on Christmas day. 

4.   I will no longer watch certain types of television shows or movies and a lot of times I will not watch the news.  This is not to isolate myself, as has been implied by some people, but it is an effort to keep my surroundings as positive as possible.  Real life human tragedies cause me to react in an over exaggerated emotional manner.  To put it plainly, other people’s tragedies become mine and I react to them as if they were mine.  It is debilitating.  I am in no way ready to be put in that situation yet.  I have yet to watch one single bit of news about Haiti, I see headlines go across my RSS feed ticker.  That is enough for me right now.  


Same with movies and television shows. If they show human tragedy, I cannot watch them.  Recently, I watched my Sister’s Keeper.  It was a wonderful movie.  However, for a couple of days after seeing it, I was depressed.  None of the previews prepared me for the ending.  




Following these rules, as best as I can, does help me.  What I have gained so far in my depression recovery is very precious to me.  I guard it as best as I can on a daily basis.  There are days when I do have slip ups and I “break” one of my own rules.  I never beat myself up about it.  I acknowledge to myself that I messed up and just move on.


“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
–– Ralph Waldo Emerson

If anyone wants to, I would love to hear what other people do to maintain a positive attitude.

Ten Things That Helped With My Anxiety

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

My anxiety used to be very bad.  I would wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, knowing something horrible would happen.  At its worse, I could barely leave my house.  If I could manage to leave my house then I could not leave a certain square mile area.  If any attempt was made to take me out of my safe area, then I would have a panic attack.  I even went so far as to arrange it so I did not leave my house for six months.  My imagination would also cause panic attacks.  I could imagine the most horrible things, and for me they would feel real.  

Everyday for me was a nightmare really.  My anxiety invaded every part of my life.  It clouded how I perceived reality.  

Once we finally found a set of medications that worked for me and I had been taking them for a while, and I had been in counseling for a while, I did start noticing that I had less anxiety.  I could leave the house more often, I still had to stay in the safe area.  I worried less.  I felt less tense.


I quit worrying about my anxiety.  It was not in the forefront of my mind all the time anymore.  One day when my mother and I were out to lunch together, I suddenly realized that I was outside of my safe area and I was experiencing no anxiety. 

I started taking stock of things.  It dawned on me that for the first time in years, I was relaxed.  The yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.  Even that horrible habit I had of imagining myself into a panic attack was gone.  The only symptom I have left is that I still startle easily.

Between my medications, and my counseling I have achieved a state peace that most likely I have never experienced in my life.  It feels good.


I want to say that, in my opinion, there is hope for people who have a debilitating anxiety disorder.  I know that it will take some people longer than it took me to get to a less anxious place, and it will take some people a shorter amount of time. It will not be easy, and having to go outside comfort zones will be important. 

Here is a list of things that has been working for me, when trying to get in control of my anxiety disorder.
 

1.  Being patient with yourself is very important when you are trying to recover from an anxiety disorder.  Recovering from an anxiety disorder is a long process, do not add to your anxiety by being impatient with yourself.  


2.  Take one day at a time.  Do not think about how you are going to deal with the tomorrow, just concern yourself with getting through today.  

3.  Do not be hard on yourself when you have a set back.  We are all going to have set backs.  I like to think of setbacks as just a little extra practice.  

4.  Keep or find a sense of humor, you will need it.  Remember laughter is good medicine.

5.  Frequently take big deep breaths in and then slowly let it out.  Believe it or not it does help.  It is like giving yourself a pause before you deal with something.

6.  Be up front with your family and friends about the things that trigger your anxiety.  Loud voices, crowds, and coming up behind me are just some of the triggers I have that will lead to me either having a panic attack or make me feel anxious.  

7.  Even if you are feeling better, take any anxiety medication you are prescribed and go to counseling.  One of the things the counselor can do for you is give you tools and help you find solutions to dealing with your anxiety disorder.

8.  Do not have unrealistic expectations for yourself.  I used to think that I would reach a point where I never having any anxiety symptoms again.  Now, I understand that in some areas I will probably always have some anxiety, however, I will know how to cope with it better.

9.  If one of the ways you experience anxiety is through excessive worrying, then set aside a couple of times a day where you are allowed to worry.  The rest of the time, no worrying is allowed.  I know this sounds weird but it was a home work assignment given to me by my counselor and it works.  I am allowed two times a day to worry.  In the morning and in the afternoon (not close to bedtime though) I am allowed to worry about anything I want.  It gets the worry out, but then does not allow it to take over your mind and day.

10. If you find your anxiety is overwhelming you, call your counselor.  If your counselor is not available call a family member, call a friend, call someone that can help calm you down and deal with your anxiety until you can talk to your counselor. 

Daily Journal – January 11th, 2010

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

I spent most of Monday dealing with some sort of stomach thing.  It was either a virus or one of my medications for diabetes was upsetting my stomach or it very easily could have been my gastroparesis acting up.  

I had a nice chat with my new daughter-in-law today.  It is still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I am someone’s mother-in-law. I do not feel like I am old enough for that to have happened.

I have a confession.  I never got dressed today.  I felt so bad from whatever was making my stomach upset, that I never could get the motivation to get out of my pj’s.   

The Skippin Ninja

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket

 I did a funny not-so-superhero name generator and loved the name it came up with for me.  The Skippin Ninja.  I instantly got a really cool mental image in my head.


When I was a kid and things were bothering me, or I was really sad about something, I would pretend I was a superhero of some sorts to get through the day.  That little game helped me make it through more than one really bad day when I was growing up.  


I played it only in my head, and no one ever knew that is what I was doing.  However, it always gave me the extra little bit I needed for whatever reason.  As a superhero, I had more physical strength, and I had more confidence in myself.  I had something that was secret, and it belonged only to me.


With that I game I could slay the dragons in my life.  I could right the wrongs that had been done to me.  I could become impervious to hands that hurt and words that hurt.  


I mentioned this little game and how it made me feel to my counselor a few weeks ago.  She suggested I use it now, as an adult, to help get through bad days.  Whether it was a bad day from depression, or anxiety, or my diabetes was making me feel bad, of if my asthma was acting up. 


I had not really given it much thought since then.  However, when that name came up from the name generator, The Skippin Ninja, I totally saw my new alter ego.  


I get this mental image of The Skippin Ninja kicking the snot out of any depressed thoughts, suicidal thoughts, or just plain negative thoughts I might have, and then just cheerfully skipping away, whistling a merry tune.  I can also see The Skippin Ninja motivating me to make sure I check my sugar when I am supposed to and not procrastinating when it comes to shot time.  The Skippin Ninja is so full of confidence that when I get anxious or am close to a panic attack, she prevents my anxiety from overwhelming me.  I can envision the Skippin Ninja, skipping around the people in my life that I need to set better boundaries with, all the while making silly faces and mocking them so that those people are no longer intimidating to me.

Watch out bad days, The Skippin Ninja is on the prowl. 

 


Eye Of Newt And Tongue Of Frog…..A Little Of This And Some Of That…

Posted on by
Reply

PhotobucketPhotobucket

Every time I do an internet search on depression and anxiety, I am amazed at the amount of sites that state that they have the best depression and anxiety cures.   They consist of  herbal remedies, prescription medications, yoga, spa, relaxation, lobotomies, the power of positive thinking, meditation, hydrotherapy, hypnotherapy, electric shock therapy, behavioral therapy, no therapy, instant cures, prayer, sweat lodge, leeches…  I am sure you get the idea.


I have a hard enough time picking a restaurant when I have more than two to choose from, there is no way I could see all those sites and then decide on what depression treatment would work best for me.  I would either be so overwhelmed by the choices and not be able to choose anything or I would close my eyes and point my finger and whatever ever my finger pointed to is what I would try for my depression and anxiety. 

I do not know how other people wade through all of that and pick what they think would work for them.  Most people I know who are dealing with severe depression are incapable of making decisions when there are that many items to choose from.  


Most of those sites claim to have the “best” cure for depression and anxiety.  Or they say they have the “only” true cure for depression and anxiety.  How can they know that theirs is the “best” cure or the “only” cure?  People are so different from each other and there is more than one cause for depression.  Even someone who takes a more traditional, medical approach for the treatment of their depression often end up having to try more than one medication before the right combination is found for them.  


After I tried to kill myself, I was not really given any choice about where I was going to get treatment from.  At the time we had no medical insurance, which meant that there was no way I could afford to go to a private psychiatrist.  The hospital told me and my family that I should go to a local mental health, out patient facility.  It is government funded, and the patients are charged for the services there based on their income.  


The only choice I really had at the time was whether I was going to get help or not.  If I did not get help, I believe my family would have had me committed into a state run mental health facility.  I chose the out patient facility.  I did not even have to worry about how I was going to get there.  My husband asked my mother to take me.  


I was pretty angry at the time, because I felt like they were treating me like a child.  However, now I see the wisdom in what they did.  They knew that I was not in a place where I could make any decisions about my own well being, so they made things very easy for me.  

After I started treatment there it took about 8 different medications and a trip to a state run mental health facility before the proper combination of medicine could be figured out for me.  I also see the counselor once a week.  So when I read the sites that claim to have the “best” or “only” cures, I am very skeptical.   I am not discounting their product and saying it has absolutely no value in the treatment of depression.  What I am saying though is that, in my opinion,  there is no singular thing that works on depression.  I believe that most people need to employ the use of more than one type of depression treatment/medication, and these sites advertising they way they do, can be very misleading to the newly diagnosed. 



I rarely recommend, or advise anyone about depression and anxiety treatments, but today I feel compelled to.  Choose carefully when deciding what treatment you think will work best for you.  Do not get discouraged if you have to use more than one type of treatment for your depression.  Finally, if you are like most people with severe depression and have a hard time choosing where to start, get someone you trust to help you make that decision.  There is no shame in asking for help.




 

Daily Journal – January 11th, 2010

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket
Oh what a nice, quiet day it has been.  My husband and daughter have spent the day away doing things for other people.  They took a truck load of firewood to my grandmother, chopped up some firewood for us, went to my mother-in-law’s house to repair/replace some frozen/busted water pipes.  I have had the house to myself and Minnie and I have been cuddling under the covers together.
Photobucket
Minnie

I got very clever this evening.  I had accidentally let the fire die down until is was nothing but coals.  I put some more wood on it thinking it would start back up.  It did not.  In the past when we would go camping, I would just blow on the hot coals and the fire would start back up.  Seeing as I have asthma now, I do not have the lung capacity to do that anymore.  I got the air mattress pump and pointed the nozzle towards the hot coals and pumped the handle.  The fire started right back up and there was no work involved.  Yay me!

Laughter Is Good Medicine

Posted on by
Reply

Photobucket
I am a rather serious person.  Maybe it is because for most of my life I have been a rather cynical person.  It is hard to find humor when you feel so much negativity all the time.  Certainly, when my depression was at its worst, I found absolutely nothing amusing about life.


There is that cliche saying “Laughter is the best medicine”.  I had always discounted it, but now I see the truth in it.  Now that I have a more positive attitude, I am starting to see the humor in things all around me.  I laugh more.  Not just a polite little chuckle, but a full blown laugh.  The laughter itself feels good.  It lightens my load and boosts my positive attitude even more.  

If I can find something to laugh about then the bad days are not quite so bad anymore.  I have discovered that the more I laugh and find amusement in things, the more pleasant my family life is.  My husband and daughter laugh more as well.  There is less bickering and squabbles.  



I doubt I will ever have an award winning sense of humor.  It just does not come as naturally to me as it does other people.  For example, my brother can take the most mudane everyday happening and turn it into a whole stand up routine.  Or my daughter, who is quick to point out her humorous take on things, or tell a funny joke.  Shoot even my almost five year old niece has a better sense of humor than I do.  I think some where along the way my “funny bone” got “broken”.

How does one go about fixing a “broken funny bone”?  I have absolutely no idea!  However, I am going to put some effort into finding out.  


Yesterday, I found a funny blog to hang  out in.  WTIT: The Blog by Bud Weiser  he describes his blog as a “comedy blog”.  All I know is when I read it yesterday, I spent a good half an hour laughing.  I plan on going back there every day.  Maybe some of his humor will rub off on me.  If you decide to visit it, I must warn you that there is some explicit language used.  Explicit language and all, it certainly is worth visiting.