I Would Like To Retire In Alaska

Posted on February 12, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we’ve committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do “random questions,” so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don’t have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today’s meme!

Saturday 9: It’s a Beautiful Morning
1. Are you a morning person?

No, No, No, No.

2. Tell us of a news story that truly shocked you.

Honestly? I do not watch the news anymore. It is not good for my mental health.

3. What was your very first job?

I worked at Kroger’s as a courtesy clerk, fancy name for a bag boy. I was the only girl doing that job. As a matter of fact this was years before they had the bag boys taking groceries out automatically for people. So what they did is assign a person to “work the lot”. Which meant whoever was picked had to stand outside their whole work time and offer to carry groceries to people’s cars. Back then tips were encouraged. I was always picked to work outside because the boys did not want to do it. Little did they know how much I was getting in tips.

4. What characteristics do you despise?

despise is the wrong word for me, irritate greatly is better. Whining, rudeness, and complaining

5. To where would you retire?

I would like to retire in the middle of 100 acres located in Alaska

6. Are you named after anyone?

No

7. How do you release anger?

ummm ok, used to I would yell, and say not nice things, now that I am taking medication for my depression and am getting counseling I deal with it differently. Usually I write.

8. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Probably too much

9. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

my depression

Drama Overload

Posted on February 12, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

I am frustrated, I mean really frustrated with my mother in law this week. My husband and I are aware that she has some mental health issues. She won’t admit to any, but we know based on her behavior and things that she says. She also has a seizure disorder that has taken a turn for the worse.

Several weeks ago she was driving and had a seizure. While having her seizure she ran into another car. The police officers who came to the scene put her on a warning and instructed her to go to her doctor. She did and her doctor told her no driving. My mother in law is evaluated weekly at this point and since she keeps having seizures she keeps being told no driving.

My frustration is that my mother in law has taken all of this to the extreme, emotion wise. I try so hard to be understanding. I know she has a mental illness. I try to be paitent. I try so hard to not get irritated with her.

Last week her being overly dramatic started. She started telling everyone who would listen she that needed to be right next to her husband (who happens to be dead). She also started telling my husband that if her children took steps to have her driving license taken away permanently, she would do something to herself.

I do not mean to sound harsh, or unsympathetic, because I am. This is something she has done several times in the past. In most cases I would say, call the authorities and have her put in the hospital for evaluation. However, it is hard to know if she means it or if it is part of the usual drama she does to guilt her children into doing what she wants.

What she does not realize she is doing, is putting a huge amount of stress on my husband. I mean huge. He loves his mother very much and it causes him a great deal of emotional pain when she acts out this way. This morning he told me that he has decided to take a break from his mother for a while. He said he was “just not in the right frame of mind to deal with her drama”

I think that is a wise decision on his part, but it is frustrating that his mother pushed him to that point with her acting out. I also think it might be good for his sibling to spend more of their time taking care of her for a while. I am frustrated that my mother in law refuses to see, or acknowledge that her behavior is not only unhealthy for her, but also for the people who love her.

Thursday Thunks

Posted on February 11, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

This week we will answer some crazy questions brought to you by Berleen, the color of blood, and the number negative 18.

1. Kimber is freaking out because I didn’t get the TT done yesterday. I had a busy day. Will you ever forgive me?

Yes, because I forgot to do Thursday Thunks last week.

2. So this weekend is Valentine’s Day. When you think of yourself and this love-filled holiday, what is biggest memory?

My biggest memory……I cannot think of one, I can think of my smallest memory….When I was in highschool a guy wanted to date me and he asked me to go out with him in a fortune cookie.

3. Pajama pants. Who knew it could have so many fricken opinions. (Seriously… if you don’t believe me) Would you… do you… could you wear PJ pants to a store?

Never to the store. I have to the Emergency room, when I think they are going to admit me.

4. I’m gonna give you one of those big heart candy boxes on Sunday. Are you an expert at chocolate candies and already know whats inside them all or will you just take whichever one and enjoy it no matter what is inside or are you one of those people who sticks their finger in the bottom of the candy to see what the filling is then puts it back if you don’t like it?

What I do is turn the box over where it has the chart that tells you what each type of candy is an often has pictures so you know what taste goes with what candy.

5. Scented Candles – whats your favorite?

Lavender

6. Snow sucks. We’ve mostly all been hit. What kind of snow shovel do you have? (The rest of you who live in sunny no-snow places… tell me your favorite sunscreen brand)

We do get snow, sometimes. If it accumulates to the point where it needs to be shoveled then we just use a regular shovel.

7. The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was “Oh crap. Kimber’s gonna be pissed….” then I had a whole bunch of good ideas for questions to ask. Now I can’t remember them. Do you keep a notebook next to your bed for times like that?

Yes and if I am on the computer and come up with an idea, then I put it in a special file for my writing ideas. I have a crappy memory.

8. Have you ever seen a groundhog in real, you can touch it and it will bite you, life?
yes, often. Everyday. We have loads of groundhogs around here.

9. Is there any key on your keyboard that is starting to wear off? Which one is it?

Not wear, but my space bar sticks.

10. Do you think Kimber should move to Minnesota and take long walks in the snow with Berleen?

No she would be too cold.

Thursday Thirteen

Posted on February 11, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

I have two Thursday 13 lists in this post. The first list is 13 things I used to think about every single day, all day long before I started getting help for my depression. The second list is 13 things I think about now.

I really wanted to make the first list because I thought it was important for people to have a small glimpse into the mind of a depressed person. However, I knew the list itself would be depressing. I usually try and end all my posts with something positive, so I felt like the second list would help that happen.

1. My life sucks.

2. I am a very bad mother

3. I am a very bad wife.

4. I am a burden to everyone

5. Great another day has gone by and I have not gotten dressed

6. I just want to hide under the covers and escape from my pain.

7. If I do this (whatever I chose at the moment) it will cause pain and that will help me feel better.

8. I am crying again….it seems I cry all the time.

9. I am so tired of living

10 I am in so much pain and I see no end to it

11. I want to commit suicide

12. When can I commit suicide

13. I am going to commit suicide now

The truth is I could list a lot more than 13 things….

1. I feel so much better than I did a few months ago.

2. Major Depression is easier to live with now.

3. I am not a perfect mother but I am not a bad mother.

4. I am not a perfect wife, but I am not a bad wife.

5. I still have bad mental health days, but that is ok, at least I try and do at least one productive thing a day.

6.. Hey! I just laughed at something.

7. I am very glad that my suicide attempt did not work.

8. I am looking forward to things now

9. I have a hobby again (my blog)

10. I still sleep a lot (from my medicine) but at least I do not spend all day in bed.

11. I have not had a suicidal thought in a couple of months.

12. I found my voice

13. I am in so much less pain than I used to be in.

The Simple Woman's Day Book- February 8th, 2010

Posted on February 10, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

FOR TODAY

February 8th, 2010

Outside my window…

A light dusting of snow

I am thinking…

about how cold I am

I am thankful for…

The people who are reading and commenting on my blog

From the kitchen…

I need to stick the chicken in the oven soon.

I am wearing…

Jeans, ducky house shoes, a grey and white turtle neck

I am creating…

a list of topics to blog about

I am going…

no where

I am reading…

some blog coding tutorials

I am hoping…

that I get photoshop for my birthday

I am hearing…

the wind blowing

Around the house…

there are oil lanterns, we lost power during the night.

One of my favorite things…

tomato soup an grilled cheese sandwiches

A few plans for the rest of the week:

To get ahead on my blog posts

Photobucket

Depresion and Marriage

Posted on February 4, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

Is it possible to maintain a marriage when one spouse has major depression, especially major depression that lasts for years? The statistics are certainly not encouraging. Marriages with a depressed loved one are nine times more likely to end in divorce. Add this number to the 60% divorce rate we already have, and it seems to me that most marriages where there is a depressed spouse do not survive.

One of the key elements of a marriage is the give and take that is supposed to exist between the married couple. There are times when it is not an equal give and take between the spouses, one having to give more than the other, but ultimately there is always a give and take. This is not the case in a marriage where one of the marriage partners is dealing with a case of long term, major depression.

The spouse without the depression will often find themselves picking up more and more of the slack. Taking care of things that would normally be done by the other spouse. In the short term, this works out OK, however, as the depression drags on and on, and the one spouse is continuing to be stretched thin taking care of things, a certain amount of resentment and frustration starts to build.

The more the depression the goes on the more resentment and frustration build up. I know that my husband expressed to me more than once that he felt like a single parent, when I was at my worst. In addition to feeling like a single parent, there was the added pressure of worrying about me and making sure I was OK.

Accepting that the problem is depression is half the battle for both spouses. It is easy to blame outside sources for why your spouse is in such pain. Before I started getting treatment for my depression my husband felt the sole reason I was acting the way I was, was because of how my son left our home. He did not understand that the depression had been there before that incident, and the incident just made it worse.

Depression affects not only the person with the diagnosis, but it affects the marriage as a whole. Especially if the depression goes untreated. Before my depression was diagnosed and I started the recovery process, my husband thought that I did not love him anymore. From his perspective, I was withdrawn, distant, and did not want to have anything to do with him. He felt hurt and taken advantage of, because I was incapable of helping him around the house. Our marriage was already under strain by the time I started therapy.

Then the things I was learning and doing as a result of the therapy added more stress to our marriage. As far as my husband was concerned the outcome of my therapy was far from what he expected. It has taken him some time to come to grips with the fact that I will not be the person he married.

Both people, not just the one with depression need a support system. It is imperative that even the person without depression has good support to help them through the rough patches. It is also important that both spouses work together on plans and other things that will give both parties guidelines to follow during the recovery process. A support system also can help the married couple identify when thing are not gong a well.

I personally think that it is possible to maintain a marriage when one of the spouses is living with severe depression. However, it is a unique challenge that requires both parties to make the effort to keep the marriage together.

One of the things I used to do was to write contracts with my husband about things I would or would not do. An example is, shortly after I tried to commit suicide, my husband was asked to work out of town. He was hesitant about going because he was afraid that I would try to kill myself again, I was still having suicidal thoughts. We came up with two solutions that made it so he felt like he could work out of town. First, I actually wrote a contract between me and him that stated that I would not try and kill myself during the time he was out of town. Also, knowing how I would isolate myself to attempt suicide, we decided I would stay at my grandmother’s house while he was out of town.

As far as my mine and my husband’s marriage is concerned, things are still a long way from perfect. However, each of us is trying as hard as we can to keep it together. We are also taking more time to understand how my depression has affected us from each other’s point of view.

I try really hard on my bad days to show him affection and tell him I love him, so he does not feel that I do not appreciate all the things he does for me. I can tell he is trying very hard to not become frustrated when I have a bad day and can not be the marriage partner he needs.

I also make a concerted effort to not think about those statistics. I feel like if I pay attention to them too much, then I am allowing them to pigeonhole my marriage into one of the failures. I want to keep my mind on my marriage surviving and thriving.

Thirteen Things I Love About My Daughter

Posted on February 4, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

My list of thirteen this week is thirteen things I love about my daughter.

1. Anna is very smart.

2. Anna is very compassionate.

3. Anna loves animals.

4. Anna is funny.

5. Anna is strong.

6. Anna stands up for herself.

7. Anna is a good person.

8. Anna is very helpful.

9. Anna has set wonderful goals for her life.

10. Anna has self confidence.

11. Anna likes to help people.

12. Anna tells me she loves me….a lot

13. Anna is a special and unique person.

I Am The Flakiest Snowflake In My Life

Posted on February 2, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

The Queen’s Meme #23 ~ The Blog Blizzard Meme

Baby, it’s cold outside! I have snow on the brain and ice on the windshield. Ten and twenty degree temperatures doth not a happy Queen make. But I have plans to keep warm, that is, unless the power fails in which case I’m doomed. I really am in the midst of a snowstorm this week but many of you are not. You must get creative and use your imagination. It’s a blog blizzard! I’m here to test your survival skills or at least make you laugh. Here’s how it plays. Good luck.

1. An unexpected blizzard occurs. The power goes out for 10 days. There is no food in the house, no gas in the car, no heat, no TV, no computer, nada! You are snowed in and can’t get to the store for supplies. How would you survive? How would you get out of this mess?

I would use the wood stove for heat and our oil lanterns for light. My husband and the neighbor would go hunting for food. We would also eat snow. Lots and lots of snow. There is no way I would get out of the mess. We would be stuck there. Most likely though, my husband and neighbor would walk to the closest store for some supplies for us. The neighbor’s wife and I and my daughter would gather around the wood stove.

2. Tell us about your last snowball fight.

The kids and I ambushed my husband when he came home from work. Even though it was three against one, he still ended up winning.
3. You have been asked to make a snowman. What is his name?

Fred, his name would be Fred. For some reason I just like the name Fred.

4. I have mountains of snow outside my door. I would like to make snow soup. What is the recipe?

The first thing you do is if there is anyone at your house, you ask them to contribute to the soup. Then you slowly heat your snow, until it is thoroughly melted. After that you send someone out to find a rather smooth stone. Clean the stone and then put it in your soup. After that you change the name of your soup to Stone Soup, and it should turn out good.

5. It is Day 5 of the Big Blog Blizzard. You have been hunkered down for a very long time and in danger of losing your sanity. Your blog neighbors (that would be us) come callin’ to see if you’re OK. We peek in the window. What do we see?
What are you doing in there?

I am gnawing on my stone from my soup, trying to get the lasts bits of flavor from it.

6. Who is the flakiest snowflake in your life?
Past or present.

I would have to say that I am the flakiest snowflake in my life. After I am the one who has been in the loony bin.
7. You are Snow White. Which dwarf is your favorite and why?

Sleepy is my favorite dwarf. He is cute and cuddly and sleeps a lot like I do.

8. What is the most fun you’ve ever had inside during a snowstorm?

My answer is boring, doing puzzles and reading.

9. What was Jack Frost nipping at?

My nose

10. Due to blobal warming (that’s blog + global for all you non-blog speakers) your snowman has prematurely melted. What was his last request?

To not turn him into any kind of soup

The Simple Woman's Day Book- February 1st, 2010

Posted on February 1, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

FOR TODAY… February 1st,2010

Outside my window…a chilly morning

I am thinking…about my life

I am thankful for… my family

I am wearing…pjs and my leopard print snuggie

I am remembering…forgotten memories

I am going… to be home most of the day, I might run out for a little bit

I am currently reading…blogs mostly

I am hoping… to have a good day today

On my mind… just lots of things, I think mostly revolving around things that I lost over the last few years due to depression

Noticing that…my mind is in a cloudy place today

Pondering these words…Having depression or problems with anxiety is not a sin. Living with it alone without letting others be a part of our life to love us is a sin.

From the kitchen… new kitchen faucet

Around the house… nothing much right now,just hanging out in my snuggie

One of my favorite things~ learning about myself

Nude Shower Cleaning?

Posted on January 31, 2010 by Margaret Tidwell

Welcome to Monday Mayhem,
the home of Mayhem on a Monday. Every week is something different.Have fun!

Today’s meme- Bathroom Musings

For each of the prompts, you may answer with an image, a sentence or however you want to.Simply copy and paste this into a post on your site and answer the prompts. Be sure to list your a direct link to your post and visit the other participants.

1. What do you read when you are sitting on the toilet?

Books and more books and if I do not have any books available, shampoo bottles.

2. Do you pee in the shower?

Not as an adult……

3. Do you always wash your hands after you use the toilet?

YES!

4. Do you allow someone to come into the bathroom while you are using the toilet?

Yes, the only way I can prevent that is if I lock the doors.

5. Do you clean your shower in the nude?

I have been known to. If I clean the shower right before I am going to use it, then sometimes nude is easier.

6. When you use the toilet at someone else’s house do you go through their medicine cabinet and/or their bathroom cabinets and drawers?

not anymore…

7. For the Men…Have you ever left the toilet seat up on purpose to irritate the woman in your life?

8. For the Women…Have you ever fallen into the toilet because someone left the toilet seat up?

More times than I care to remember

9. Do you courtesy flush?

It is a rule in my house, I do not appreciate left overs.

10. Do you light a match or a candle or spray an air freshner when you are finished pooping?

Another rule, air freshner must be used as well as the fart fan.

11. Have you ever fallen asleep on the toilet?

Yes, many times. My medicine makes me so sleepy sometimes, that I do fall asleep on the toilet.

12. What is the strangest thing you have ever flushed down the toilet?

Legos

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