I have two Thursday 13 lists in this post.  The first list is 13 things I used to think about every single day, all day long before I started getting help for my depression.  The second list is 13 things I think about now.  

I really wanted to make the first list because I thought it was important for people to have a small glimpse into the mind of a depressed person.  However, I knew the list itself would be depressing.  I usually try and end all my posts with something positive, so I felt like the second list would help that happen.

1.  My life sucks.

2.  I am a very bad mother

3.  I am a very bad wife.

4.  I am a burden to everyone

5.  Great another day has gone by and I have not gotten dressed

6.  I just want to hide under the covers and escape from my pain.

7.  If I do this (whatever I chose at the moment) it will cause pain and that will help me feel better.

8. I am crying again….it seems I cry all the time.

9.  I am so tired of living

10  I am in so much pain and I see no end to it

11.  I want to commit suicide

12.  When can I commit suicide

13.  I am going to commit suicide now

The truth is I could list a lot more than 13 things….

1.  I feel so much better than I did a few months ago.

2.  Major Depression is easier to live with now.

3.  I am not a perfect mother but I am not a bad mother.

4.  I am not a perfect wife, but I am not a bad wife.

5.  I still have bad mental health days, but that is ok, at least I try and do at least one productive thing a day.

6..  Hey!  I just laughed at something.

7.  I am very glad that my suicide attempt did not work.

8.  I am looking forward to things now

9.  I have a hobby again (my blog)

10.  I still sleep a lot (from my medicine) but at least I do not spend all day in bed.

11.  I have not had a suicidal thought in a couple of months.

12.  I found my voice

13.  I am in so much less pain than I used to be in.