Once again, I have been told I am N O R M A L – normal. It seems it is perfectly normal to be this upset under the same – or similar – circumstances I find myself in. My gears were not slipping, I am not experiencing depression symptoms, and I am not in danger of having a breakdown…at this time. I am simply grieving.

Okay yes, I know there are several of you who have said the exact same thing to me already. I apologize for not believing you, but as you may have noticed, I am rather hard headed and sometimes I need an “expert” to convince me of something.

The psychiatrist did increase my dose of anxiety medication – doubling it. Usually, I only take buspar – anxiety medication – as needed, even though I can take 10 milligrams up to 3 times a day. I have been using it more since dad died, but still not taking it 3 times a day. The psychiatrist now wants me to take 20 milligrams 3 times a day – every day not just as needed – for the next few weeks. She also wants me to come back at the end of April, and not wait until an already scheduled appointment in May.

Basically, after she told me I was normal, she did say we did need to watch things a little more closely than usual – because of the higher chance of developing a depressive episode. She said if I am still feeling such extreme emotions in a few weeks then we might be look8ing at a depressive episode – triggered by dad’s death. However, she really seemed to think that I would be feeling some better by then.

What a relief!

I thought I was dealing with managing my emotions about dad’s death well. I am starting to think I might be wrong. It feels like some of the people in my support system are seeing something I am not. If they are – in a way – that is a good thing. It means the people I have asked to help me keep track of any depression symptoms I might exhibit, are doing exactly what I need them to do.

Even though I found a group in Augusta – that met Monday night – mom was insistent that I go to my regular group yesterday, Granted she did have some business to take care of up here, but I think what motivated her to come up here when she did was to make sure I went to my group. Not in a bossy, “You are going to group” kind of way, but more of making sure I was up here so I could go kind of way.

After group was over, my counselor insisted that I see the psychiatrist today. She said something about dad’s death being a major life event – which can be very triggering to someone who has a history of major depression, She suggested that I might need an increase in my medications – to keep me evened out – for a little while.

My friend – Terri – commented on how I was dressed yesterday. She said that I usually dress very nice, but yesterday I was wearing sweats, a t-shirt, did not fix my hair, or put any make up on. For me, sweats are like pajamas I can wear in public, and – for the most part – I had quit wearing sweats and pajamas during the day.

Thinking about it, even I have to admit there have been times when my thoughts have slipped their gears. They are not thoughts of wanting to hurt myself in any way, however they are are very negative. Things like feeling I am in the way, wanting to disappear – run away from the pain.

I have gone back to several unhealthy habits. One of which, is constant worrying. It is interfering with my sleep. I stay up, and do things until I am absolutely not capable of staying awake any longer. Then I fall asleep where I am, only to wake up again in a few hours.   I am doing that because it allows me to avoid laying awake in bed worrying about things.

During the day, I am constantly dozing off – like I did when my depression was not being treated. Some of it is caused by lack of sleep, but not all of it. Some of it is because I am starting to feel tired weary in my soul.

I am not an expert in grief, nor am I an expert in depression, so I have no idea how much of what I am feeling is a normal part of the grieving process, and how much is grief, and depression combined. I guess am hoping things will be a little more clear in my mind after I see the doctor today.

Have you ever known you needed something, but could not really identify what it was that you were in need of? I have, especially lately. I have felt so agitated, and out of sorts that I knew there was something I needed, but I could not figure out what it was.

Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks – I needed real life, face to face time with people who understood me. After only a few phone calls, I had a line on a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting that was taking place that night. The most exciting part for me was that this meeting was for women only – a setting I am more comfortable with.

The women were awesome. They let me ramble on for most of the meeting. I was able to cry, and LAUGH – venting my frustrations and sorrow. It definitely provided me with the in person contact that I so desperately needed.

There were women there who have been living with their mental health issues for many more years than I have. They shared a great deal of wisdom – that they had gained from their own life experiences – with me. They told me what I am feeling right now is normal. I left that meeting feeling better than I have in days.

I will go again. It feels so good to have been able to key in on a valuable mental health resource.

Normally, I would be living one day at a time – but not right now. For the last week, I have been living from minute to minute. Right Now. People ask if I am doing okay, and my response is either “I am ok…right now.” or “I am not ok…right now.” The very thought of any moment in time other than Right Now makes me feel overwhelmed and lost.

The silence in the house scares me. So I have to keep myself focused on Right Now. Life without my father scares me, I had come to depend on him so much. Watching what the grief is doing to my mother scares me.

Right Now, I really want to go to bed, cover my head with my blankets, and stay there for a while. I am doing everything I can do to distract myself – in order to not give into that urge. Right Now, I feel agitated, and it is difficult to focus my thoughts, because of fighting so hard to not end up in bed.

Right Now, I am okay, a few Right Nows ago, I was not. In many ways, today – Sunday – has been the hardest day since dad died. Right Now, my heart hurts, but I know when the next Right Now comes around that could change.

I am not sure how long I will have to take life in a series of Right Nows. I guess it will take however long it takes.