WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge prompt for April 10th was:

Post Secret. You know the beloved post secret community? Write down a secret that really isn’t a secret. Hint: A misconception about your condition, something people would think you’d be shy to disclose (but will!), or just something you want to shout from the rooftops!

I realize I am several days late in writing this, but it has been rather hard to figure out which secret I wanted to reveal.

It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. ~ Jessamyn West

Verbal jousting – otherwise known as ” I am right, you are wrong, and I am going to keep this ‘discussion’ going until you concede that I am right, or  you give up” syndrome – is something that I used to engage in frequently. I enjoyed it immensely, and I was very extremely awesomely good at it.

I used to look for targets victims, and felt a surge of adrenaline when I could bait them into a verbal jousting match. It did not really matter if I was really right, as long as I could convince them I was. I enjoyed the challenge, and strategy involved. Before the conversation even started I would be ready with several sentences, words, and phrases, that – when carefully used – would guarantee victory – often at the cost of someone else’s self esteem. To put it plainly, I was a bully.

I also had a case of last-worditis. Basically that means that not only did I have to be right, I also had to have the last word – a Zinger. When it came to verbal jousting I was pretty quick on my feet, and I could have a whole list of Zingers to choose from within seconds.

Oh it gets worse…

I taught these skills to my children – who took to it like ducks to water, especially my son.

Obviously, when I became severely depressed I did not even have the desire or energy to participate in these bad behaviors. Fortunately, once I became mentally healthier I could identify why I chose to act this way – it made me feel better about myself – and make different choices.. However, the consequences of my past need to always be right, and have the last word are very heavy.

I think the worst consequences are as a result of teaching my children how to Verbally Joust. When I see them engage in these behaviors I feel very sad that I was the one who taught them how to do it. It is not a healthy way for them to gain self esteem. To be quite frank, in recent months they have delighted in behaving this way towards me. It hurts, and I know what they are doing. I can only imagine the pain they cause others who cannot identify why they’re being bullied.

The true nature of what I taught my children recently dawned on me. In a text conversation with my son, in which I was trying to explain to him how hurtful it was that he never took the time to call his grandmother regarding his grandfather’s – her husband – death, he was more intent on trying to be right, and having the last word, then actually hearing what I was trying to say. In fact, it was so important to him that at one point he took the time to let me know I had misspelled a word. With my daughter, these behaviors are less subtle. To obtain the last word – in a recent conversation – she began to use very inappropriate language. After letting her know that I would not talk to her while she was speaking to me that way – and hanging up – she chose to send me a text message full of obscenities. While I do wholeheartedly admit my role in teaching them Verbal Jousting, both of my children are old enough to make the choice to not behave in this manner.

I hope my children learn how to interact with others without Verbal Jousting and last-worditis. They are never really going to be truly happy with themselves until they do. Building your self esteem on how you can tear others down is a very shaky thing, and you almost always come tumbling down.

I still very much enjoy conversations where I can be right, however, nowadays they more closely resemble a healthy debate. In fact, whenever possible, I try to remember to ask the person on the receiving end if we can engage in a healthy debate. As far as my last-worditis goes, if I really MUST have the last word, I attempt to make sure it is a positive one.

I am on day 6 of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:

“I write about my health because…”Reflect on why you write, in writing.Meta!

Why do I write about my depression? Because it helps me.

In September of 2009 I experienced a short stay in a state run psychiatric hospital. Unfortunately, when I was allowed to leave I still felt like I was filled with out of control emotions  – the strongest was a feeling of rage. I knew that unless I found a healthy way to manage those out of control emotions I would most likely find myself back in that hospital. So, I came up with the idea of writing – blogging – about the stuff in my head. My thinking was if I could get those emotions out of me – through writing – then I might stand a chance at getting them under control. For the most part, it has worked out that way.

To this day, I am not completely sure why I chose a public forum – blogging – to do my journaling. Most likely it had something to do with accountability, and hoping to find support.

What started off as an experiment in journaling has grown into something much more. Writing has allowed me to look at my issues from a different perspective – giving me an opportunity to understand myself better, and make different choices for myself. My writing has become a valuable tool in my depression treatment. It has also helped me create a wonderful online support system, and made it possible for me to meet some people who have become very special to me. The thing that has surprised me the most is how much I enjoy writing. It is something I never thought I had any talent for, and when I was younger I disliked it intensely.

Somehow, all this journaling about my depression, and connecting with other people who have mental health issues has turned me into a Mental Health Activist. The more I have gotten to know other people with mental health diagnosises, heard their stories, and learned how the world treats people like me, the more passionate I have become about being one of the voices that speaks out against stigmatizing people with mental health issues.

I write about my depression because it helps me. It helps me learn about myself, and encourages me to grow. I write because it is an outlet for my emotions. Writing has helped me make friends, and find my voice. It has allowed me to share my story, and add my voice to the growing number of voices that speak out against the stigma that surrounds people with mental health issues.

This is the fifth day of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:

Health Haiku. 5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables about your condition.Write a few if you would like.

Writing poems is something I have no skill for, but I am going to give this a shot – once I learn how to.

Please note, I am using some of these Haikus to describe what it was like before I began depression treatment.

Light has gone away

Darkness fills me every day

Nothing more to say

Today is the day

I put my plan into play

Do not want to stay

I wake up in tears

Filled with a new set of fears

Angry and still here

New place new ideas

New found hope and fewer fears

Life better I’m here to stay

This is the third day of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:

Yahoo Answers Post–Pretend you are writing a question about your condition–it can be as silly/humorous as you want.Now answer it. (Remember: Your answer can be just as silly)

Believe it or not, I have never even looked at Yahoo Answers before. So in order to get an idea of what types of questions are asked I browsed through the mental health section. While I was there, I encountered a question that I wanted to answer, and decided to use it for today’s challenge rather than making one up.

How did u feel after your failed suicide attempt(s)?

When I first woke up in the intensive care unit – after my suicide attempt – I was confused. I could not figure out where I was. My confusion increased when I realized my hands, and feet were tethered to the bed. I remember a nurse coming in and untethering me.

I must have gone back to sleep, because the next thing I remember is someone coming in and telling me I had to go have a scan of my head – they said something to the effect of “to find out” if there was something wrong with my brain. I remember thinking that I had to pee. After that, I went back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I was a little more aware of my surroundings. I noticed there was someone in my room – it did not occur to me the person was a guard until hours later. Slowly, I became somewhat less confused, and recalled that I had tried to kill myself.

As I became more aware of where I was, my nurse, and the female guard in my room began to talk to me. That is when I learned that I had been in a coma, and when I came out of my coma I became violent. It explained why I had been tethered to the bed. To this day, there is almost a whole day that I have no memory of.

I do remember being extremely angry. However, I could not tell you who I was angry with. Maybe I was angry with the world, and everyone and everything in it. I also remember how embarrassed I felt when I heard the stories about my behavior – when I was coming out of the coma. I was also embarrassed about people knowing that I had tried to kill myself. One of the saddest things I remember is still feeling like I wanted to die.

After almost two years of depression treatment, I no longer feel all those negative emotions. I am not proud of the fact that I tried to kill myself, but I do recognize it was the event that started me on the road to becoming more mentally healthy.