The last couple of days I have had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. I think I may have figured out part of the reason why I have been down in the dumps a bit since Friday. I have a nasty wheeze in my chest. Seeing how it has not been that long since I was in the hospital for my asthma it kind of makes me angry.
I feel like I endured all those steroids and all those extra insulin shots for nothing, because now that the steroids are out of my system the wheeze has come back. This kind of repeated asthma problem is why I got depressed about having asthma when I was first diagnosed.
I had my asthma under control for a good six to nine months, and now it feels like I am back to where I started, almost three years ago. Feeling like I am breathing through water, coughing, and not feeling good.
I have an appointment with my pulmonologist next Tuesday. I am hoping I can make it until then, that way if I end up in the hospital again, I will be in the hospital where he has privileges.
I guess I will have to get the Skippin’ Ninja to kick the asthma in the knee. That might make my mental state a little bit better.
I still need to work on getting angry about things I have no control over. I have no control over what the asthma does and I got angry. I need to learn how to just take it in stride.
My list of thirteen this week is thirteen possibly interesting and definitely gross facts.
This is just the kind of thing that amuses me. There are a couple of facts that might not be suitable for small children.
1. One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs. mmmm Sounds yummy!!
2. House flies go to the bathroom roughly every 4.5 minutes. That just makes me want to go on a picnic right now.
3. On a daily average you will inhale 1 liter of others anal gasses. I just do not know what to say about that. With my farty husband I am sure I am inhaling way more than that.
4. An average person will consume 12 pubic hairs in their fast food annually. Yeah, I am regretting my whopper now.
5. If you swim one hour in a public pool you will intake 1/12 liters of urine. One of the many reasons I do not go to a public pool.
6. Roaches carry over 40 different pathogens which risk being transferred to humans. Pneumonia, plague, hepatitis, and typhoid fever just to name a few. This is the grossest fact for me. I hate roaches. They give me the creeps.
7. Need to use the bathroom? When a person pees, a small deposit of urine enters the mouth through the saliva glands.
8. Next time you go out to the coffee shop think about this, diarrhea induced E.Coli was found on 10% of coffee mugs in the U.S. 
9. The longest recorded projectile vomiting is 27 feet. I think my daughter came close to that when she was an infant. She had reflux and projectile vomiting happened several times a day. She had only one target in mind when she did it. Me! Most of the time it went down my shirt and into my bra.
10. We all like a man who gives a nice firm hand shake. However, you might want to think twice before returning the firm grip. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and did not wash their hands.
11. Through contact with door knobs, counter tops, and other daily objects your hand will come in contact with 15 penises a day. Yeah, just speechless here.
12. When we sleep we are the most relaxed and at peace. Who would’ve thought that while you are snoozing you were inhaling bugs! In a years time, most humans will consume 14 insects while in their sleep.
13. Enjoy a nice cup of yogurt? You might want to double check the ingredients again. Some yogurts and jelly sweets contain beef or pork gelatin.
Have you ever wished that you had an Easy Button for your life and all of its challenges. I have. There have been so many times during the last few months, while I have been in treatment for my depression, that I have wished there was an Easy Button. It would be so much easier for my mind to get better if I could just push an Easy Button and get an instant cure.
Delving into why I am the way I am has been a very painful process. Thinking about how I behaved when my depression and emotions were out of control is not the most pleasant. Seeing the consequences of my suicide attempt and hospitalization on my family, truly makes me sad. An Easy Button would be a great way to not have to deal with all that emotional pain.
I could see myself using an Easy Button for most, if not all, of my mental difficulties. I would be happier, wouldn’t I?
If I had an easy button, I would not have the feeling of satisfaction I get now when I can make it through the day. Nor would I have a feeling of satisfaction for having worked hard at finding something positive about a bad situation. Oh wait, I just realized I would not even have any “real” emotions because I would not have to deal with anything.
As much as I say I want an Easy Button, I think the reality is I do not. I would miss out on to many life experiences. Sure, those experiences can be painful and make me sad, but how would I grow as a person if I just pushed a button all the time to skip over the difficult parts? How would anyone grow if they could just use an Easy Button to not have to deal with the hard stuff in life?
Confession is good for the soul is what I have been told. I hope it is, because today is my day to confess.
Since Friday my mental health has not been as good has it has been. It is not as bad as it can get, but that is not saying a lot. I have been down, wanting to isolate myself, quiet, and I have not felt like communicating with anyone. I have a counselor’s appointment Thursday so I will be sure to bring it up to her then. I have been faking feeling OK on my blog and with my daughter. However, even over the phone my husband can tell that I am not in a good frame of mind. I even lacked the motivation to take a shower and get dressed for a couple of days.
Some positives are I am not having any suicidal thoughts, and I am not having a negative dialogue running through my head. I mostly feel disengaged from things.
It could be a normal “down” time that everyone goes through, but it is still a struggle for me to identify “normal” emotions as compared to my out of control emotions. That is why running this past the counselor is a good thing, she helps me identify which category my emotions are in.
So that is my confession. I felt compelled to do it because from the beginning of my recovery process I promised I would always tell the truth about what was going on. Sometimes the person I need to tell the truth to the most is myself.
For some reason Anna took an upside down picture of herself.
I had yet another children’s book on my mind today. The story of Chicken Little. After re-reading it this morning, I realized that Chicken Little was having a major panic attack. I also realized that there were several things in the story that I could apply to myself.
Not only was Chicken Little experiencing a panic attack, but he was having a panic attack over something imaginary.
Very much like Chicken Little taking off and running, I can spend several hours pacing the house. not able to concentrate, and crying buckets of tears when I have a panic attack due to something I imagined. Days like that lead me to have many bad thoughts.
Another thing I noticed about Chicken Little and his panic attack is that the longer the panic attack went on, the more details his imagination added to his “story”.
Sometimes silly. Sometimes serious.
Always fun!
Step out of the box. Be creative.
Use your imagination.
No one’s answers are quite like yours
This is a royal twist on an old meme. I just wish I’d found these gems when I was actually twenty-one.This is how it works: You must follow the directions to the letter.
1. Find the nearest bookshelf of your favorite reads, cookbooks, tech books, magazines. It doesn’t matter. This will work for all print media. If you don’t have seven books lined up on a shelf, grab the first seven you see around the house.
2. Book #1: Turn to page 21. Read the 21st sentence (you may have to turn the page).
Write it down.
3. Do the same with the first seven books or articles you see. The sentences will make a paragraph. You must write them down in the order you found them.
4. When you are finished, read over your “story” and title it.
5. Show us your bibliography at the end of this meme. Hmmm…I wonder if we’ll be surprised at the reading material we may find. I just did mine. It was rather shocking! I didn’t cheat. I promise! Don’t you either….or it’s you-know-where for you.
“If Marmee shook her fist instead of kissing her hand to us, it would serve us right, for more ungrateful wretches than we are were never seen,” cried Jo. Grandmother never called for her. “Then it’s time you learned,” said Martha, not realizing she was being rather bold for a maid. ‘Cause while playing with my cousin, it fell off and rolled away. And, as Eddie opened the driver’s-side door of John Cullum’s Ford Sedan: “You been in a fight, mister? To hear this pretty childish voice speaking his own language so simply and charmingly made him feel almost as if he were in his native land – which in dark, foggy days in London sometimes seemed worlds away. Edward asked when Charlie and I were done.
I let my daughter pick out the books I used for this meme. I hope it does not land me in the Dungeon.
“Little Women” by Louisa May Alcott
“Eleanr Roosevelt” by Shannon Donnelly
“The Secret Garden” Frances Hodgson Burnett
“Where the Sidewalk Ends” Shel Silverstein
“The Dark Tower” Stephen King
“A Little Princess” Frances Hodgson Burnett
“New Moon” Stephenie Meyer