Now that it has been over year since my suicide attempt, I have some clarity about my depression. There are some parts of it I can vividly recall, while other parts are a bit fuzzy. I think the reason parts of it are fuzzy is because of how severe my depression was. Depression does mess with your memory, and it very well could be my brain trying to protect me from some of the pain.
For me, looking back, I remember how my depression made me feel so physically awful. That physical feeling was so bad that it scares me to even contemplate a return to that state of being. My body ached all over. I was exhausted all the time. My stomach hurt. I had many migraines and felt nauseous often. It was as if my depression had filled me up so much that it was oozing out of my body, much like the way pus oozes out of an infection.
It felt as if I only had two emotions, extreme anger and extreme sadness. My brain hurt from these extremes. There were many days where I was so sad that all I could do was cry and when I was not crying, I would feel like crying. I would cry from guilt over a past action, I would cry about my son and how he left home. Sometimes,I would cry for no reason. Then there were those truly horrible days when my extreme anger at myself manifested itself to such a degree, that I took it out on other people. I said and did terrible things. I knew what was coming out of my mouth was bad, but I had no control over it. Then I would feel so much guilt about what I had said and done that I would start feeling that extreme sadness again. It was a vicious cycle, and it seemed like there was no way to stop it.
Then there was that mean, little voice in my head. That little voice that sounded like my own, and it kept saying nasty, spiteful things to me. Things like, I was not good enough to have such a wonderful family, or that I deserved all the pain I was feeling. Then it began filling my head, heart and soul with dark thoughts of death. It kept on and on, until all I could hear was that mean, little voice telling me what a loser I was, and how I really should not be alive to be a burden to my family.
Those dark and terrible days weighed so heavily on me that even my soul felt worn out. I felt as if I was a soulless creature, and when someone feels as if they have no soul they have no hope.
I cannot just leave this post on such a sad note. I did this as a writing assignment for Writing Workshop. I chose to do it, because I thought it might benefit people to see how all encompassing depression is.
I am a far cry from how I was when my depression made me feel that bad. Today, I have hope, satisfaction, and my soul feels refreshed.
I'm so glad that you're doing so much better now 🙂 It's hard to express just how it feels when you're depressed but you did really well!
My recent post A riddle wrapped in an enigma
Thanks Livi!
You are right it is hard to express just how it feels, because so much of it is internal and emotional, even the physical symptoms in a way are as well.
I'm so glad that you're doing so much better now 🙂 It's hard to express just how it feels when you're depressed but you did really well!
My recent post A riddle wrapped in an enigma
Thanks Livi!
You are right it is hard to express just how it feels, because so much of it is internal and emotional, even the physical symptoms in a way are as well.
Wow. I'll admit that I don't know much about clinical depression aside from what the ads on tv describe. I didn't know the physical aspect of it at all, nor how very dark it can be.
Applause to you! You seem to be far from that dark place. I bet it has been a long, bumpy path. Hugs to you!
My recent post Can’t put this inheritance in the bank
I am and it has, and I am sure it will be for a while, but at least I am ahead of the game in a way now. If things start slipping I know where to go for help and what to do. It actually has been good trying to put words to how my depression made me feel. Many people are like you and are just not aware of how depression can affect so much of you physically and emotionally all at the same time.
Wow. I'll admit that I don't know much about clinical depression aside from what the ads on tv describe. I didn't know the physical aspect of it at all, nor how very dark it can be.
Applause to you! You seem to be far from that dark place. I bet it has been a long, bumpy path. Hugs to you!
My recent post Can’t put this inheritance in the bank
I am and it has, and I am sure it will be for a while, but at least I am ahead of the game in a way now. If things start slipping I know where to go for help and what to do. It actually has been good trying to put words to how my depression made me feel. Many people are like you and are just not aware of how depression can affect so much of you physically and emotionally all at the same time.
It's really great being outside it and see back…
I love your banner btw! Such joyful flowers
My recent post Day of firsts
Yes it is! Thank you. I have a confession, it took me days to find something that was cheerful and appealing enough for me to use. Days…but it was important to me to find something that represented how I feel.
It's really great being outside it and see back…
I love your banner btw! Such joyful flowers
My recent post Day of firsts
Yes it is! Thank you. I have a confession, it took me days to find something that was cheerful and appealing enough for me to use. Days…but it was important to me to find something that represented how I feel.
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