There have been many times over the last few years when I would share with someone what I needed or wanted, only to find that it was as if they never even heard me.  I never could understand what it was about me that seemed to make it so difficult for people to hear and fulfill my wants.

Somewhere along the way in my therapy, I realized why people did not hear what I was saying.  I was not really saying what it was that I wanted and needed.  I would beat around the bush, alluding to what it was that I wanted, but never actually saying it.  I learned that if I want to be heard,  I need to say what I mean and mean what I say.

“Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on. `I do,’ Alice hastily replied; `at least – at least I mean what I say – that’s the same thing, you know. “~ Lewis Carroll

Every time I did not say what I meant, and mean what I said, I diminished my own self worth, and my power.  I  also ended up feeling frustrated, disappointed, and ignored.  I felt as if I had no voice.   Those feelings contributed to the extreme unhappiness I always seemed to have.

There are several reasons why I chose to not say what I meant.  In the past, it was an act of self preservation.  I have had relationships with people and family where expressing what I really thought could have led to a great deal of unpleasantness.  I would use hinting around about the subject I wanted to discuss as a way to gauge what the other person’s reaction might be.  Later on in life I became the ultimate people pleaser, and did not see myself as valuable as everyone else.  By never being direct about what I wanted, I could make sure everyone else’s wants and needs were taken care of.

Once I saw myself as valuable and decided to live a truthful life, a life where I was being the real me,  I began to start saying what I meant.  I was surprised at the results.  Most of the people in my life where very happy that I was telling them what I needed and wanted.  It allowed them to know what I was thinking, and gave them an opportunity to do things for me.  It made them feel as if they were a part of my life.

The more I said what I meant and meant what I said, the more confidence and feelings of self worth I gained.  Which led to me being more and more direct.  I no longer felt ignored and frustrated.  I became a happier person.  Since I was no longer worrying about whether people got what I was alluding to, I also became less anxious.

Say what you mean and mean what you say is something I attempt to live up to every day.  It is not always easy, old habits can be difficult to overcome.   However, as each day goes by and I have more and more opportunities to practice being direct, the easier it has become.  My belief,  is that one day, I will be able to say what I mean and mean what I say without even having to give it any thought.

Do you always say what you mean?  If not,  why?

If you do not always say what you mean, how does that make you feel?

If you are someone who does say what you mean, have you always done so?

What made you start saying what you mean and meaning what you say?

I am looking forward to everyone’s answers. 

Every one of us is born with an intrinsic value. We all possess the potential to make the world a better place, to bring joy and happiness to others. We have the potential to live fulfilling lives. However, for many of us something happens, and we have no feelings of self-worth. We believe that we do not deserve happiness, success, respect, to take care of ourselves and etc.

The reality is, we never actually lose our value. Never. We just believe we have. Sometimes it is because we have childhood trauma, or have been horribly picked on by childhood peers. Even experiences we have had with other people as adults could have helped us develop feelings of no self-worth. Often when we feel that we have no self-worth we hide ourselves away, feeling empty and alone, in other words we are experiencing depression.

For many years, in fact for probably most of my life, I felt that I had no value, no self-worth. I was a very unhappy and sad person. It has taken a year of therapy for me to see my value. I have wondered why I, and women like me, would choose to live in such a state of unhappiness. I do believe it is a choice.  I have come up with a couple of reasons why I think we choose to live that way.

As crazy as it might sound, I think believing that you have no self-worth is a safe option. Since we see no value in ourselves we already know that other people will see no value in us. Which means we are better prepared for rejection than most people would be. So when rejection comes along, like it always does, our internal dialogue tells us that it won’t ruin our lives, we already knew it would happen, because we have no value.

Having no self-worth is also an easy option. If we have no value, then there is no need for us to do well or even try and succeed at anything. People will leave us alone if we act like our opinions and thoughts have no value. If we believe and say that we have no talents, or that we are useless then people will expect less of us.

Fortunately since possessing a feeling of self-worth is a choice, there are things we can do to regain our sense of value. What we have to do may seem difficult at first, but in my opinion it seems that way because it is something we are not used to doing.

I really believe making a real and accurate assessment of our strengths, and talents is very important. I was fortunate that I had my counselor to point out strengths that I was not even aware of. If you feel you need to, get someone you can trust to help you list your strengths and talents. Also, take the time to list the good things you do. Use what you have written down as a jumping off point in believing you have self-worth.

Commit to yourself that you are going to work on building your self-esteem and believing you have value. Look for the positive in every situation, even the ones that at first glance seem bad. My goal is always to try and find three positive things in every situation. Smile! Even if you do not feel like smiling, smile. Take the time to share kind thoughts and caring emotions. Be curious, optimistic, and courageous. Work hard and take the time to have fun. Reduce the time you spend feeling sorry for yourself.

Finally, you know yourself better than anyone, be your own judge. Or if you do not feel comfortable being your own judge, find someone you trust to help you. I use my counselor that way. Sometimes I have a difficult time with identifying real emotions, so I will run things past her and make sure my assessment is fairly accurate and realistic. In the end, it is up to you to decide your worth and to live up to your realistic expectations.