Category Archives: Asthma

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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 Most of you who are reading this are probably familiar with the children’s book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.  At one point I had the whole thing memorized from having read it to my daughter so many times.  When she was hungry she would even say she was a hungry caterpillar.  

That book came to mind today.  I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few years, and how much more change  I have to look forward to.  How I am in a transformation process, that I do not know how long it is going to last or what the final outcome outcome might be. 

Very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who spends most of his time as a caterpillar preparing for a transformation, and in the transformation process itself, I feel as if I spent most of my life preparing for a transformation, or in the process of transforming.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel as if I have grown up.  

There was a question in one of the memes I did today that asked if there was anything I could change about my past, what would I change.  There was a similar question in a meme I did last week.  From what I can tell, it appears that I lot of people have something in their past that they wish they could change.  Each time I got that question, I answered it in a similar fashion.  

Remember when The Very Hungry Caterpillar had the tummy ache because of eating too much of the wrong things?  He learned from that experience.  I think if The Very Hungry Caterpillar were asked if he could change anything about his past, he would probably answer “No”. He became a different and slightly better caterpillar because of the tummy ache.   There is not one thing I would change about my past.  Nothing.  It is not as if I have had the most pleasant life, far from it in fact.  Some things in my past have caused me pain for years, yet they still help shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future.   


Would I be as aware of domestic violence issues, if a former spouse had not broken my nose in a fit of rage?  I doubt I would be.  If  something is not in my frame of reference I tend to not think about it.  I know I would not be so aware of major depression, its symptoms, treatments, and long term outlook, if I was not living with it myself.  Same with my anxiety disorder, diabetes, and asthma.  I know without my childhood experiences, I would have no clue about what it is like to live in an extremely dysfunctional family.  Those experiences allow me to empathize with people in similar situations, and maybe even  be able to provide them with effective support. 



Now that I finally feel like I am a grownup, I can see a few truths about myself.  I have used some negative past experiences as excuses for my own negative behaviors.  When my major depression was really bad, before I started getting treatment, I used the diabetes and asthma as excuses for why I had no interest in going anywhere, instead of being honest with people.  To some extent, I have control over my depression.  About a year before I started getting treatment for it, I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.  I even knew what it was.  I chose not to tell anyone about it.  I chose to go ahead with my suicide plans instead of telling anyone that those thoughts were going through my head.  


I wonder if The Hungry Caterpillar was afraid when he started his transformation into The Beautiful Butterfly?  I know that there have been times when I have been afraid during my own transforming process.  I have been afraid because, especially lately, I am changing a great deal.  It has caused a shift in my family dynamics.  I am most definitely not the same person my husband married.  That person went with the flow of things, allowed other people to make decisions for her, and did not stand up for herself.  Now, I am all about setting boundaries, standing up for myself, and finding and using my own voice to make decisions and participate fully with things, instead of just going with the flow all the time.


My transformation has been difficult for my husband at times.  It has caused some friction in our marriage.  There have been times when I have thought we were not going to make it through this process together.  What gives me hope that we will make it, is that I see him earnestly trying to keep up with my transformation and working on himself as well.

In my head, I keep seeing myself as a beautiful butterfly.  Not on the outside, but on the inside.  I will have a beauty inside me that I have never experienced before.  I will no longer be filled with negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Instead, I see my butterfly self as someone who exudes peace, tranquility, and positivity.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        &
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The Skippin Ninja

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 I did a funny not-so-superhero name generator and loved the name it came up with for me.  The Skippin Ninja.  I instantly got a really cool mental image in my head.


When I was a kid and things were bothering me, or I was really sad about something, I would pretend I was a superhero of some sorts to get through the day.  That little game helped me make it through more than one really bad day when I was growing up.  


I played it only in my head, and no one ever knew that is what I was doing.  However, it always gave me the extra little bit I needed for whatever reason.  As a superhero, I had more physical strength, and I had more confidence in myself.  I had something that was secret, and it belonged only to me.


With that I game I could slay the dragons in my life.  I could right the wrongs that had been done to me.  I could become impervious to hands that hurt and words that hurt.  


I mentioned this little game and how it made me feel to my counselor a few weeks ago.  She suggested I use it now, as an adult, to help get through bad days.  Whether it was a bad day from depression, or anxiety, or my diabetes was making me feel bad, of if my asthma was acting up. 


I had not really given it much thought since then.  However, when that name came up from the name generator, The Skippin Ninja, I totally saw my new alter ego.  


I get this mental image of The Skippin Ninja kicking the snot out of any depressed thoughts, suicidal thoughts, or just plain negative thoughts I might have, and then just cheerfully skipping away, whistling a merry tune.  I can also see The Skippin Ninja motivating me to make sure I check my sugar when I am supposed to and not procrastinating when it comes to shot time.  The Skippin Ninja is so full of confidence that when I get anxious or am close to a panic attack, she prevents my anxiety from overwhelming me.  I can envision the Skippin Ninja, skipping around the people in my life that I need to set better boundaries with, all the while making silly faces and mocking them so that those people are no longer intimidating to me.

Watch out bad days, The Skippin Ninja is on the prowl. 

 


Double D's

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In the fall of 2007, when I was 37, I was given a new medication by my family physician.  It was to help with my blood pressure.  This particular medication should not be used by someone with a history of asthma because it can trigger an asthma attack.  I had no history of asthma so my family physician felt that it would be OK for me to take.


A few days after I started taking it, I started feeling bad.  I had a bad cough and a wheeze in my chest.  I went and had it checked out and was told it was bronchitis.  I was given steroids and antibiotics.  I felt better the next day.  The day after that, I felt really bad and the wheeze I had this time was a little bit worse than last time.  Again the doctor said it was bronchitis, gave me stronger steroids, and told me to take it easy.  Once again, I felt better the next day, the day after though, not so much.  I felt like I could hardly breathe and the wheeze I had this time was horrible.  I went to see my doctor and she told me that she was ordering me to go into the hospital for IV steroids and to watch me because she was afraid I would get so bad that I would need to be put on a breathing machine.  That was the first time I had ever been in the hospital overnight, except for when I had the kids.  At that point I was diagnosed with adult onset asthma. 


I think it was at that time the depression started.  I was sick all the time because the pulmonologist and I could not get the asthma under control.  I spent a solid year on steroids because of the asthma.  It just wore me out and made it so I was more vulnerable to other illnesses and set my mind up for the depression to take hold.  I physically felt really bad all the time.  I slept most of every day away, because I was so tired.



Because I live so far from my pulmonologist’s office, he insisted I create an emergency plan for when I had an asthma attack. I was to use my nebulizer three times in a row, about ten minutes apart each time.  If after the third treatment my breathing was not drastically better, I was to head to the nearest emergency room.  In May of 2008, I had an asthma attack that did not respond to the emergency plan. 


I went to our local emergency room.  Whenever I have to go the emergency room because of an asthma attack, I am immediately taken back to see a doctor. So I did not have to wait long.  The triage nurse did her thing and pointed out that my blood pressure was insanely high.  I blew it off, not a bit concerned because of having used my nebulizer three times in a row, I figured my blood pressure would be higher than normal.  After the doctor saw what my blood pressure was, he decided to do some blood work to make sure I did not have congestive heart failure.


When the blood work came back, it showed that I did not have congestive heat failure but there was something that was not good.  My blood sugar was 420.   I had diabetes. 


The doctor came very close to admitting me to the hospital.  Instead, because I happened to have an old glucose meter of my father’s, he lets me go home with a prescription for glucoflage. Two days later I saw the endocronologist for the first time.  


He confirmed that I had diabetes and with using a special test, he was able to determine that I had probably had it for months.  However, all the steroids I had been taking had hidden that fact.  For months all I could do was sleep.  We thought that it was from the asthma not being controlled.  What I found out was that high blood sugars will cause you to be sleepy all the time and to feel as bad I was feeling. 


I had to learn so much that day.  I had to learn how to give myself insulin injections, to figure out how much I needed of one kind based on a math formula, and how to fill up syringes with insulin.  I ended up with two different types of insulin and having to give myself four injections in my stomach every single day.  I also had to learn how to use a glucose meter and stick myself at least four times a day to get blood samples. 


The doctor did tell me that within a week my blood sugars would be down and I would start to feel better.  For the most part he was correct.  I felt good mentally because I felt like knowing what had been causing me to feel so rotten for the last few months was a good thing.  That I could move forward from there.  


That attitude did not last for very long.  A few weeks after I was diagnosed with Diabetes, I was back to where I was before I found out about the Diabetes. I was tired, sleepy, and not feeling good.  I was also very angry and sad all of the time.   It made me really darn angry that I had been diagnosed with two major illnesses in less than a year. I was angry and sad about how drastically my life had changed.  I hated all the needles I had to now deal with four times a day.  I started to become increasingly anxious.  I also worried about the burden I had become to my family.  I  believe that at this time the depression really started to control my thinking, and my life and just continued to get worse from there.  


The Double D’s.  Diabetes and Depression.  These two things have affected my life and my family’s lives more than anything else I have been diagnosed with.  


I have already had a pretty nasty diabetic complication. The nerve in the stomach that tells the stomach to contract to digest food no longer works in me due to the diabetes.  There is a lot of pain and vomiting that goes along with that.  My family must pay attention to me, to make sure I am not having a bad reaction due to my insulin.  I cannot go barefoot anymore, something I have always enjoyed.  If I were to step on something and hurt a foot, there could be complications with it healing.  From several sources I have discovered that diabetes can contribute to depression.  


The Double D’s.  Those two things have caused me to come closer to dying than even the asthma has.  Blood sugar dropping too low, more than one suicide attempt.  


As I was learning how to give myself the proper dosage of insulin, more than once my blood sugar dropped dangerously low.  That caused me to spend a week in ICU.  There was my suicide attempt in May that resulted in another week in ICU, and at another time, an attempt resulted in ICU and a psychiatric hospital.  


The Double D’s.  Two very frustrating il
lnesses, both of which really has no “cure”. The most I can hope for is that medications will help me maintain some balance with both illnesses and maybe with one I  might experience a “remission” but the disease will never really go away.  


The Double D’s.  Now that I am getting help for the depression, I can recognize that neither diagnosis is the end of the world for me.  I can see how at some future date that they might allow me to be a good support person for someone in similar circumstances.  I just need to get to a better mind set about both things.   For the present, I am still learning how to take care of myself again.  I do not think I would be able to properly support someone else yet.  


Cough, Cough, Wheeze Wheeze

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Today is a bad breathing day for me. Last night I started to develop that recognizable wheeze I get when my asthma is acting up and my airways are starting to constrict.  I also have that special asthma cough.  It is caused by my airways starting to constrict and irritating my lungs.  At some point today, I will probably use my nebulizer to open my airways up a bit, allowing myself to breath better.  

I have adult onset asthma.  It is basically just like asthma that some children develop, I just did not develop it until I was thirty-seven. This morning I recognized the fact that a bad breathing day could also cause a bad mental health day.  It is depressing and frustrating to feel like you are breathing through water.  It is also very tiring.  I feel like I am running really hard in a race and cannot catch my breath.   Sometimes I even sweat like someone who is working out because of struggling to get a decent amount of air in.

In an effort to not let myself spiral down into any type of depression, I tried thinking of a few positive , well if not positive at least not negative, things about my asthma.  Believe it or not I actually found a few.  Admittedly, one or two are stretching it a bit, but whatever works is fine with me. 

I honestly think most of us take the act of breathing for granted.  It is an automatic action, that takes place without any conscious thought.  I know I took it for granted before I was diagnosed with Adult Onset Asthma.  Once I developed asthma and felt like I was breathing through water most of the time, I quit taking breathing for granted.

I have been able to create a new dance.  It is called “Cough, Cough, Wheeze, Wheeze, Cross Your Leggs And Try Not To Pee!”  Right now I am the only one knows the dance moves, but there is always the possibility that it could catch on.  The creation of this dance was inspired by the fact that after giving birth to two large babies, I have a tendency to pee on myself when I cough.  This dance is very effective in keeping that from happening.  It is also very easy to learn, if you look at the title you can see all there is to it.  Of course when I perform it out in public I get a lot of strange looks.  I have tried teaching it to my husband and daughter as sort of a line dance but they keep telling me “No!”

I have learned that my special asthma cough can clear a room.  I can be in a crowed doctor’s office lobby, or some other crowded small area and someone could be wearing a strong smelling perfume, or hairspray or even cologne.  My lungs do not appreciate any of those very much and react by constricting my airways.  That will cause me to have a  horrible coughing fit as well as doing a modified for a chair version of the “Cough, Cough, Wheeze, Wheeze, Cross Your Legs And Try Not To Pee” dance.  In these day and times with the swine flu, the bird flu, the regular flu and tuberculous people get worried very quickly when they are confined someplace with someone who is coughing their head off.   Very quickly, the people who are stuck with me will leave the room, thinking I have some contagious disease.  Most of the room clears out and I get to stay in a much less crowded place.  Because of my anxiety disorder, an almost empty room suits me just fine.

There is even a benefit to the whistle I have when my wheezing is bad.  Sometimes the whistle is so loud that it can be heard from across the house,which makes it easier for people to find me.  I admit this one was definitely stretching things. 

The biggest benefit I have gained from my asthma is that it has given me a better understanding for what people with worse breathing problems than I have are going through.  On a recent visit to my pulmonologist, I stopped by the restroom before I checked in at the doctor’s office.  While I was in there I discovered an elderly lady who was stuck in the restroom stall because her breathing was so bad she could not get up and walk out of the stall.  I was able to help her get into a less embarrassing position and waited with her until some assistance came.  Because of my own breathing problems I was able to empathize with her situation without making her more uncomfortable and embarrassed than she already was.