Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind were peppered with negativity. At that time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with what much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Zoom – this word makes me feel positively happy because there are parts of my life that I’m okay with zooming in on – meaning taking a closer look at. There was a time in my life when I did not want to look at any part of my life closely. While there are still parts of my life that are too painful, and uncomfortable for me to zoom in on yet, at least I can say that there are parts that I can. I’m sure given enough time, and patience I will be able to take a closer look at other aspects of myself, and my life.
Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind were peppered with negativity. At that time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with what much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Yearn – This word makes me feel positively positive because I actually yearn for/want wonderful things in my life. For long time, I was happy with the status quo. Never really wanting much, and not really yearning for any life changes. However, that is changed. Even though I am now in my 40s there are many things I yearn for out of life. One of those things, is to eventually have a career that – for the most part – I enjoy, instead of the job I do.
I think at one time or another most – if not all – of us have uttered the words “If I could do things differently…”. I think it’s natural for us to look back on parts of our lives and wonder what our lives would have been like if we had made different choices. However, from my own experience, I can tell you that it is very possible to take the “what if” game way too far.
I’m not sure which came first, the depression, or beating myself up with “what if’s”. I guess in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter. What does matter is what I did with the “what if’s”. During the worst part of my depression, my version of the “what if” game became a very cruel tool that I could use to beat myself up with. It was something like a crowbar on steroids. It caused me a great deal of mental and physical pain. As I started to become mentally healthier, I quit engaging in the “what if” game, viewing it as nothing more than a source of unrelenting pain.
After I began blogging, I would often search the Internet for writing prompts. One of the most popular ones I saw was something along the lines of “Pick a time in your life when you would like to do things differently – Describe what you would do differently if given the chance and why.” I have always avoided those types of writing prompts. My memories of what I used to do to myself with my own version of this is still so fresh in my mind that I just did not want to walk down that road, or even take a chance of falling back into that old habit. I was very firm in my decision, and I honestly expected it to be this way for the rest of my life. Then I read something in Inspiration for Girlfriends, – written by Ellen Miller – that changed my viewpoint about this.
She calls this section of the devotional Getting a Do-Over. The first time I looked at the title I thought “Yeah, I’m going to skip this part”, and I did. I didn’t even bother to skim through that section until I had almost finished the devotional and was running out of things to read in it. When I finally began to read it, I was very surprised to see that the author did not start the section off with how healing it is to think about past events and vent away about them, or think about the past and try to figure out whose fault it was that we made a poor decision. Instead, she starts off the section with how much we need mentors in our life.
Regardless of our age, how successful or unsuccessful we are, whether were single or married, we all need successful men or women who have walked ahead of us. Basically, they have “been there and done that” stories, and are willing to share their insights. The author calls these stories Do-Overs, and explains them like this:
…do-overs are experiences to which, had they had a mentor, they might have acted or react differently – even though they wouldn’t change their lives today.
I found the concept of this amazing. It is a way for me to take negative parts of my past – including the way a used to beat myself up with them – and turn them into something that might benefit someone else.
The truth is we all make our own mistakes, and I daresay that very seldom do we choose wisely. However, I think the wisdom, insight, and the benefit of another person’s experience will at least give us something to think about before we commit ourselves to course of action.
There is healing that comes with NOT rewriting our past, but sharing it as a way for someone to make better decisions about their future
I used to do my Thankful Five on a more regular basis, but lately it seems like I’ve let a lot of things get in the way of it. I was really reminded after a bad few days how important it was for me to keep track of things that I’m thankful for. So I decided that it was in my best interest if I got back into the habit of blogging about five things I’m thankful for.
I am thankful for air-conditioning. I dislike the heat. I dislike humidity. When they are combined together I extremely dislike them.
I am thankful that my financial aid for school worked out as well as it did.
I am thankful for cool summer breeze after a hot summer day.
This week I started my third week of college. It has been a challenging experience so far. I have also encountered a few things that have taken me by surprise. However, I think given how long it has been since I have been in any academic environment, I am doing okay.
Learning online has been more difficult different. It certainly does require me to be more self-motivated than I naturally tend to be. Keeping to a schedule – due dates – other than my own has caused me some frustration. I find myself getting bogged down in the details – wanting things to be perfect – which is slowing me down some.
One of the things that makes Argosy different from my experience with brick and mortar colleges is how they arrange their class schedule. They do follow a semester schedule, and each semester is 15 weeks long. However, they break each 15 week semester into two 7.5 week sessions. You are considered a full-time student if you take two classes per each session. Basically that means you would end up with a total of four classes per semester. Each 7.5 week class gives you the same amount of information, and work as a full semester class would, which means you have to assimilate a whole semester’s worth of information in about half the time. Obviously, this is why my school workload is a little heavier than most, even though I am currently only taking one class. This also means, that potentially you could earn your four year degree in less than four years.
Currently, I am on what they call a three-quarter schedule. What that means is for this session of the semester I am only taking one class, however, when the second session of the semester starts I will be taking two classes. For the following semester, I could keep the same three-quarter schedule or change it to a full-time schedule. As of now, I have not made a decision on whether or not I am going to go full time next semester. I am going to hold off on doing that until after the second session starts and I see how I do with taking two classes in a short amount of time.
The class I am taking for this session is called Skills for Success. I can see why this is a required class for every new student in the school. First of all, it gives you a real good idea of what it is like to have to learn a subject in half the normal time. The other thing it does, is emphasize how important it is to keep some sort of schedule. With the fast pace of the courses it is vital for students to be aware of all their due dates. This class also prepares the students for college-level writing. The ultimate goal final project of this class is to take everything you have learned through the class assignments and create a learning plan for yourself.
One of the things I had to do in the first week of this class was take some diagnostic tests that were meant to assess my grammar skills. Since I spend a lot of time writing I assumed the diagnostic tests would present no problem for me. I was extremely surprised at my results:
Sentence Grammar 67%
Punctuation and Mechanics 83%
Usage and Style 87%
Basic Grammar 92%
I was very humbled. I consider that a good thing. I think if I had kept on with my attitude of “I know it already” I would have missed out on some great learning experiences, and most likely set myself up for failure – since I would not be as open to learning as I should have been.
Fortunately, the school does not just leave you with those results with no opportunity to learn what you need to in order to improve them. In addition to the coursework that is required, there is a whole bunch of videos and grammar exercises that I am required to do to bring my grammar scores up to par.
I think one of the things that has impressed me the most about the college I have chosen to go to is their desire to see their students succeed. They do not just throw you in the deep end, hoping that you will figure out how to swim. They give you plenty of opportunities, and help to ensure that your college career is as successful as you would like to make it.
Yesterday, I saw someone on Twitter trying to figure out how she could manage the depression symptoms she was feeling at the time. I told her to distract herself. Just like that, as if it were something very easy to do. I had to think back and remember how I felt when I had daily depression symptoms. I realized something when I did, I cannot recall when it was that I quit having depression symptoms on a daily basis. I also cannot remember when it became easy to distract myself when I was experiencing depression symptoms.
It was definitely an odd feeling to realize that – at least for now – I have the upper hand over my depression. Two years ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed, wanting to die, and felt like there was nothing to live for. I hated myself, I hated the things I had done. I was full of guilt and shame. Every part of my body ached, even my brain ached. I saw myself as worthless.
In a lot of ways, being at this point in my depression treatment/recovery, my life and how I feel now does not seem real. How could I go from feeling so bad, and hating myself so much to being a basically happy person, who genuinely enjoys life and is looking forward to the future? I want to pinch myself! I try to avoid thinking that all of this is a dream.
When I started listing things I used to do to distract myself -to give my Twitter friend a few ideas for what she might try – I was once again reminded of something. Depression recovery is just plain hard – even with medication to help you out. There were just so many days when all I wanted to do was NOTHING! I did not want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, take a shower, clean anything – I did not have enough motivation to do anything.
Then it hit me, the biggest thing that I have had to overcome in my depression treatment has been the lack of motivation that comes with depression. It took determination, willpower, and a great deal of effort, and I am still not sure how I did it. The only thing I can think of is that there had to be some small part of me – way down deep inside – I did not even know was there – that really wanted to live.
Even though I have had to work really hard in my depression treatment, I KNOW I have had it easier than some many. In the grand scheme of things, it did not take a very long time to find the right medication for me. I was blessed that the very first counselor and psychiatrist I saw were the right fit for me. For most of the two years I have been in treatment, I have not had to pay for my services. The negative side effects I experienced as a result of one of my medications did not cause any permanent problems. I only had a very short stay in a psychiatric hospital. I have not had any major setbacks.
Two years is a considerable amount of time, but for me it has flown by. I guess when you’re working that hard to get better time does just fly by. I wonder if part of me will always be in disbelief about how I went from being so depressed I could hardly function, to someone who is now working toward a psychology degree?
There are two things that I think helped me the most. One is the blog. Journaling about my thoughts and feelings and life have helped me tremendously – it still does. The second thing is no longer living with Joe Bob. Almost as soon as I started living with my parents, I felt better. It was like all at once, a dark cloud that had been circling me was gone. Our relationship was/is extremely toxic. There is no doubt in my mind that it was/is bad for both of us.
Where do I go from here? I’m not completely sure, but I don’t think it really matters that I don’t know yet. The important thing is that I do have some goals – getting a Bachelors Degree in Psychology is one of them. I think I have decided to not worry about the future much. I am going to take the advice found in one of my favorite songs:
Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be The future’s not ours, to see Que Sera, Sera What will be, will be
In 1973, the Senate Watergate Committee opens hearings.
In 2009, I tried to take my own life.
Wow! I cannot believe it has been two years! So much has changed since then. I think I need to hear myself say that again… IT HAS BEEN TWOYEARS SINCE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF!!
I was so sick. So very sick. I get a shiver up my spine just thinking about how bad I felt back then. I never want to go back to feeling that bad, and being that sick. It was an existence of never ending pain, overwhelming sadness, mental and physical exhaustion, and constant extreme anxiety.
Oh, and hate. I hated myself so much. I cannot even put into words how much I hated myself.
By the time May 17 of 2009 rolled around the only solution I could see to ending my pain, and sheer misery was death. The only way I could picture myself dying was if I took my own life. I had no hope.
But that was then…
As I said before, so much has changed.
I KNOW I will never get that sick again.
I have learned how to manage my depression symptoms so they do not overwhelm me. I know how to ask for help when I think I need it. I have learned to set a healthy boundaries. I have connected with other people, and have created a wonderful support network. Most importantly…
I HAVE HOPE!
Getting mentally healthier did not just happen. I had worked for it. I still have to work for it. Daily. Some days, I struggle to remember everything I have learned, and manage my depression symptoms. Other days, are easier to get through, because everything falls into place -my brain is working good, and my depression symptoms are more manageable.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have hope? Or do you feel lost, alone, full of pain, and hopeless? Do you want to die?
I want you to know, I have been where you are, and I know how you feel. You are not alone. I promise you, things can get better. You can feel better.
All you need to do is reach out for help. Tell a friend. Tell a family member. Tell a co-worker. Tell a doctor. Tell anyone!
Or call…
Tell them you need help. Tell them you want to die. The worst thing you can do is to keep your suicidal thoughts yourself.
A few weeks ago – when I was in the North Georgia mountains – I locked my dog and my keys in the car. It did not happen because I had gotten distracted and accidentally left the keys behind. Instead, I had made a conscious decision to leave the key in the ignition, with the engine and air conditioning running.
I was heading back to Augusta, and had stopped for coffee. Because of how warm it was outside, I was afraid Minnie would get overheated in the car while I was inside. I came up with what I thought was a great idea to keep Minnie comfortable and safe. I took the ignition key off of my key chain, and then left it in the car ignition, with the car and the air conditioning running. I had the clicker – the car unlocker – so I felt confident that as soon as I got back to the car I would have no problem opening the doors.
Things did not go according to plan. When I pushed the unlock button on the clicker, nothing happened. I pushed it several times to make sure it wasn’t my imagination and the doors still did not unlock. Thinking there might be a glitch somewhere, I decided I would just go through the trunk to access the car. So I tried to pop the trunk. Nothing happened. Minnie was attached to her car seat, and the air-condition was blowing right on her so I knew she would be okay – for a while at least. However, it was disconcerting to know that she was locked in the car.
I figured this is one of those times when I was absolutely going to have to ask for help. So I turned to a young man – whose car was parked near mine – and asked him if he knew how to break into a car. He immediately called over some friends of his – who turned out to be a whole biker family. There was biker grandma all the way down to biker grandchild.
One of the biker family members stood out more than the rest. Not only did he have an air of authority about him, but he also stood out because of the very detailed naked lady that was airbrushed on the back of his jacket. He put himself in charge of getting my car unlocked. Within about 15 minutes, he had managed to unlock the car.
I offered to give them some money for taking up so much of their time, but they refused it. The guy with the naked lady leather jacket winked at me and told me he was on vacation. Grandma biker told me God must have wanted them to stop there for more than just a “pee break”. The original young man I asked for help told me he would have felt bad if they had left me stranded.
The lesson I learned from this is to never judge people by how they look – or by the naked ladies on their leather jackets. This whole family and their friends jumped in to help me without hesitation. They were rough looking, used quite a bit foul language, but they had no problem sacrificing a bit of their time to help another person. The more well-dressed people at that gas station did not offer to help, and just passed on by as if none of us were there. These guys were definitely my Knights In Scuffed Leather.
A few days ago, I killed the vacuum cleaner. I inadvertently ran over a dog toy that clogged it up. I had halfheartedly tried to fix it, but I was not successful. As of this morning, I still had not told mom about the vacuum cleaner’s early demise – I kept hoping I could fix it.
Since mom was gone this morning, I decided it would be a good time to try to fix it. The first thing I did was take the bottom guard off the vacuum cleaner – thinking the toy would be right there within easy reach. When I finally got the guard off I did not see any sign of the toy. The belt looked a little askew, so I started thinking that was the problem. I straightened out the belt, plugged in the vacuum cleaner, turned it on and all I could hear was the awful racket it had been making before I started working on it. I decided the only way I was going to be able to revive it was to perform major surgery.
I took it apart. The only thing I did not dismantle was the motor itself. You can see what it looked like in the picture above. Once I got it apart, I found the offending toy, and was able to remove it.
I was very worried that I would not remember how it all went back together, but after about 15 minutes I managed to put everything back in place. I plugged it in, turned it on, and it worked!
I’m feeling rather proud of myself. Fixing the vacuum cleaner is going to be my victory for the day! I know it seems rather strange to be proud of fixing a vacuum cleaner, and considering it a victory. However, accomplishing little goals like this have done more to build up my self-confidence, self worth, and self-esteem than anything else.
I received some wonderful news yesterday evening! I was told that my college tuition would be hundred percent paid for by federal financial aid. I knew that part of my tuition would be paid for that way, but I was totally surprised that all of it would be. The funny thing is I had become so frustrated with the whole process of obtaining financial aid that I was on the verge of just giving up.
Last week, I submitted the FASFA – the application for financial aid. After I submitted it I was told I was going to have to provide more paperwork because I had been picked for a process called verification. All that really means is the review people wanted me to provide some kind of proof to back up the things I said on the FASFA. I managed to get that paperwork turned in before Friday’s deadline. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the verification worksheet – I ended up having to submit it a total of three times yesterday.
Since it was late Friday afternoon before all of my paperwork could be submitted for the review process, I figured that no one would look at it until at least Monday or Tuesday. Instead, the nice young lady I have been working with made sure someone reviewed my paperwork yesterday evening. As soon as they finished looking over everything, and made a decision about my financial aid, I was notified.
The review people came to the conclusion that I had no financial resources with which to use toward my tuition. They based their decision on a document – my Statement of Earnings from the Georgia Department of Labor -that indicated I had no income for the years 2009, 2010, and 2011. Since Jo Bob and I are separated they felt like his income was not a part of my household, and chose not to take it into consideration when reviewing my application.
The financial aid aspect of college was my biggest worry. If I have been told that I was going to have to pay any portion of the tuition, I had no idea how I was going to get the money. I think knowing that my college tuition is taken care of in full will allow me to get more out of the college experience than I would have.
The only thing about this whole process that bothers me is that I can’t share the news with dad. I did cry about that last night.
