When you start treatment for depression, there is a vital piece of information I think many counselors are hesitant to share. It is more of a warning than just simply information. It should be given to you on a piece of paper, written in big red letters. Something like this:

I am sure there is a good reason why more counselors do not share this warning with their patients. Most likely it has to do with not scaring us away.

Many marriages end when one spouse enters mental health treatment and the other does not. Usually, the marriages are not healthy to begin with and as one person becomes more emotionally healthy it adds pressure and stress to the marriage. I think it has this effect because even bad habits and unhealthy relationships can become comfortable. When we change how we think, feel, and react to things, we are inadvertently pushing our spouses’ comfort zones. When we are in treatment, we make conscious decisions to push our own levels of comfort so that we can become healthier. It is difficult for us to do when we are doing it on purpose. I imagine it must be very difficult for our marriage partners when they feel that their comfort zones are being pushed by our changes, when they did not seek out or express a desire to have their comfort zones pushed.

The best way for me to describe how they must feel when they are confronted by our changes and the discomfort it causes them, is to use myself as an example. Most of us with a mental health issue/mental illness have had our comfort zones invaded by other people or situations. In my case, when that happened, I experienced a great deal of anxiety, worry, and sometimes even anger because it felt like I was being emotionally violated. My guess is that is often how our spouses feel when our efforts to become emotionally healthy directly challenge what they have become comfortable with.

In the face of such stress and pressure, I know it would seem easier for us to fall back into those old – but comfortable – patterns of behavior. On the surface it would seem like a good solution for a shaky marriage. However, I think that once we have even gotten the smallest taste of what it feels like to be more emotionally healthy, it would be hard for us to “settle” for anything that would compromise that. It could in fact cause us to have a huge set back in maintaining our own mental health.

When we get married we make choices to settle for certain types of behavior from ourselves and our spouses. I would like to think that even in healthy marriages there is some type of settling – maybe compromising is a better word – for certain behaviors. We choose to overlook bad behavior in ourselves and our partners for the sake of having a perceived peace in the marriage. Sometimes we make the choice to overlook things because it is easier than feeling like we are battling our loved one all the time. Whatever the reason, it usually sets up a pattern of unhealthy behavior from both people.

There comes a time in our treatment process where we begin to understand that maintaining our own mental health is important. Vitally important. We know that if we do not maintain good mental health, we are also compromising our physical health. Understanding this makes us feel compelled to do what we can to get and stay emotionally healthy. That means we have to make choices about how to achieve and maintain that emotional stability. Just like in any other situation where we can make choices, there are going to be consequences. It is up to us to decide what consequences we are willing to live with.

If we choose to go for the option of being as emotionally healthy as we can be, then one of our consequences could be that our marriage might end. Rising to the challenge of meeting us where we are in attempting to be in a healthier mental state, might be more than our spouses are capable of doing. This does not mean they are a bad or an uncaring person. It just means that they may not have the tools and/or lack the desire to work toward the same goal we are. As difficult as it is to come to terms with that possible consequence, I believe that it is something that most of us in mental health/mental illness treatment must face if we are determined to be healthier.

Even with believing all of that, and encountering the struggles in my marriage that I have, I also believe that there are times when our spouses can have an epiphany and realize that change can be a good thing. Part of the way they can achieve that epiphany is through our choices to no longer tolerate certain unhealthy behaviors. Taking a stand on certain things will add to any friction and stress going on at the time. However, I believe that if we can do it and be consistent about it, and not be any harsher than the situation calls for, then there is a significant possibility that our spouses will eventually reach a point where they desire the same change that we do.

No matter which way everything plays out, we will be more emotionally and mentally healthy. That is what I hold on to. That is what gives me hope in the face of my current marriage struggles. The knowledge that as difficult as things seem right now, there is hope and health in whatever consequence I may end up with.