Tuesday was THE day that I went back to my house in an attempt to get the last of my belongings. I wish it had gone better. It was a difficult day – made even more difficult –  due to the drama that unfolded.  I did not go there with the intent of starting or being a part of unnecessary  drama, however, I should not have been surprised that it happened. Drama has been a major part of things.
I have done my best to keep any drama to a bare minimum, but it has been difficult. My husband has been lashing out from a place of bitterness, anger, and pain, and as a result has created unnecessary drama, and hurt feelings. He is still raging about my father calling him, and trying to convey some concerns he had for me to my husband. He has made it clear that my son is not welcome anywhere near him. He even went so far as to tell me he had changed the locks on the house. I did find out that he had lied to me about the locks.
When we started discussing when I would come get the rest of my things, he went off on several tirades about how I was the only one allowed to come. My father and/or son were not allowed. I insisted that my father was going to come with me. When THE day came to get my things, my father got a neighbor – a man about my age – to help us. My dad is in his late 60’s and is not capable of carrying heavy things himself, and I am a wimp. My mother and I had discussed whether or not we should have some sheriff’s deputies with us, and I made the decision to not do that. I was trying to avoid traumatizing my daughter anymore than she has already been.
As soon as my husband saw that we had someone else with us, he became hostile and started threatening to call the sheriff’s department . I told him that if he wanted to do that, he should go ahead. He did not. We began to get my things. Every time my father and the man he got to help us were outside, my husband and daughter would being very mean. They would say things that hurt my feelings and my daughter was extremely rude. During one of my trips outside – to put a box in the truck – I called my mother. I really needed to vent about the things my husband and daughter were saying. She reminded me that my daughter should not – under any circumstances – speak to me the way she was doing.
After speaking with my mother, I went back inside to get a few more items. My daughter was near me, my husband was all the way across the house. My daughter continued to say inappropriate things to me. I raised my voice and said something to the effect of “I do not care what is going on, you will not talk to me that way”. Immediately my husband yelled at me and responded with “She can talk to you any way she wants to”. Right after that he went outside. It was not until I took another box outside, and saw two deputies pull up, that I realized he had called the sheriff’s department to send a deputy to the house. I stayed outside, and spoke to the deputies. I did not go into any great details with them, but I did give them a basic run down on what was going on. I also told them that my husband called them after I had told my daughter to not speak to me rudely. They wanted to know who was with me, and I introduced them to my father and his neighbor.
As I was going back inside, my husband came out. The deputies began to speak to him. As much as I wanted to stand there and listen in on their conversation I did not. I did hear a few things as I was going back and forth from the house and the truck. The gist of the conversation they had with my husband was that they were unsure of why he called them out there since there was nothing bad going on. The tone of their voices sounded rather irritated. In the end, he told them that he was on probation, and felt that he needed a ‘witness” so that we could not accuse of him of anything. One deputy left, one stayed. The deputy that stayed did not say I had to hurry up, but I also know they are busy, and do not have the time to be standing around for nonsense. So my dad, and I agreed to finish things up more quickly than we had planned.
It was good that the deputy was there. It put a stop to the ugly things that my daughter and husband were saying. Unfortunately, because of having to hurry up I was not able to get some of the things I really wanted, and I forgot something that meant a lot to me. While the deputy was standing there I asked my husband if we could make arrangements for me to get anything I had to leave behind. He said “yes”. I hope he follows through with it.
As I was leaving, my daughter gave me a beautiful blanket. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said “yes”. When I hugged her she stood there as stiff as a board. It broke my heart, and that is when I cried. It hurts to think of her being so unhappy. I wish her father would quit putting her in the middle of our mess.
It was a hard day. I felt stressed, anxious, and sad for most of it. However, I did get through it. I am so blessed to have people I can lean on during hard times like that. Between my  mom, and a couple of other people I spoke with on the phone, and my internet friends, I felt supported, and cared for. That made one of the hardest days in my life easier to bear.

Today is my last day at my parent’s house. The time spent here has been good for my mental and emotional health. Before I came down here, things had been very tense in my house. My husband and I were getting on each other’s nerves, and both of us were very stressed out. The breathing room that we gained by me being here has allowed both of us to take some time for ourselves. It has also been good for my daughter. Not only have we had a great deal of time together, it has also allowed me to set some boundaries with her. Boundaries with consequences if she does not respect them.

Part of me is glad to be going home. I do miss my own home, and husband. I also have a few things I need to take care of there. However, there is a part of me that is kind of sad to see things come to end. I am not stressed out here, like I am at home. The yucky tension between my husband and myself does not exist here. Even my daughter is being better behaved – it has been much easier for me to set boundaries with her. I really do not want to go back home and enter that world of tension and stress again.

It has not been an extended vacation here. I have been busy, and there have been some days where I worked like crazy. I enjoyed it though. The reason I enjoyed it so much is that no one acted has if it had to be done in a perfect way, nor on any time line but my own. My efforts and work were appreciated, and I did not feel as if whatever I did was not “good enough”. I often feel that way at home.

One of the best feelings I have experienced while I have been here has been LOVE. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that – even at my age – my parents love me very much and I am very important to them. Spending time just talking with my mom and dad has bee nice. One of my favorite parts of every day has been sitting in a chair in my mother’s “sitting room” and just talking to her.

I will be back again in a few weeks. My mother is having another surgery at the end of December and I want to spend some more time with my daughter in law. Since we know what to expect – as far as recovery goes – from my mom’s surgeries now, it will be easier to help her. We will all have a realistic idea of what she will and will not be able to do. It is only about 10 weeks until my granddaughter is due. Since Krystal – daughter in law – has no family out here, I want to make sure I am available to provide her with all the moral support I can. Neither my son, nor her mother will be able to be here when the baby is born, so I have offered to stand in and help her in any way I can.

I have taken a few pictures during my time here. I decided to share some of them with you. Each one represents a good memory.

I am very glad that I was able to be at my parents house when my mother had her surgery. I feel blessed that I have been able to do a few things for her. When I had originally made plans to be here at this time, she kept saying that she did not think she would need very much help. Her surgery was rather minor and the literature about it said that she would be able to resume normal activities right after the surgery. The literature was not quite accurate – at least in my mother’s case.

When she first got home after the procedure, obviously she was really wiped out and tired from the sedation the doctor had administered. She feel asleep almost as soon as we got her settled in a chair. When she did wake up, she was more alert – sort of – and felt like walking. She did very slow circles around the house. I say slow circles because as she was using her walker and slowing making her way through the house, she kept falling asleep. There was even snoring. I followed her around, because I was afraid that she would fall over backwards while she was sleeping.

She has needed more help with little things than she anticipated. I have been able to fix supper for all of us, and do some extra clean up around the house – in anticipation of my daughter – in – law’s arrival. My mother has to wear something called compression hose on her legs. The leg she had operated on has to stay in a compression stocking 24 hours a day – except when she takes a shower. Because of how tightly they fit, they are extremely difficult to get off and on. There have been a few times when she has needed some help with them.

My mother has appreciated the extra help I have been able to give her, and I have enjoyed being able to do things for her. She has done so much for me in the last year or so that it is nice that I have the opportunity and am capable of giving back to her. As silly as it sounds, it made me feel good to be able to help her with something as little as her compression hose. It reminded me of one of those intimate, caring and bonding moments you so often read about in books. One of the things I have noticed, is that helping my mother out has taken my mind off of my own stuff. It has been really nice concentrating on someone else’s needs. In many ways, it has been the best mental health medicine I have had. Doing things for other people really does a lot to make you feel good about yourself. There is a sense of pride in knowing that you helped make someone’s life a little easier.

She will have her other leg operated on sometime after the first of the year. At least we now have a better idea of what her needs are going to be then. I plan on being around then as well. In fact I am looking forward to being able to help her out again.

Photograph taken by Anna Mashburn

The atmosphere in my household has been rather tense for the last few weeks. I think the tense feeling is a direct result of some friction between my husband and myself. I believe the friction we are experiencing is normal for couples in our situation -not enough money to go around, one of us being in therapy, raising a teenager, and work stress.  Normal or not, the stress and tension in our marriage is physically and mentally tiring for both of us. The more drained we become, the more the friction increases.

For me, all the tension and friction feels like a heavy weight. I have allowed it to bring my mood down, and affect the positive outlook on life I try and maintain. It has affected my daughter in a similar way. She can tell that we are stressed out, and it is making her feel extra stress. She has to put up with us when we are cranky. She also can tell when my husband and I are irritated with each other, making her feel uncomfortable. I am sure that it affects her mood as well.

I was at a loss for what I could do to ease some of the tension in our household. I could not make the bills go away, nor make it so my husband could bring home more money. I knew that I could not stop changing and growing and challenging myself and in turn challenging my husband. We are also stuck with a teenage daughter for a few more years. The lack of a solution was frustrating.

I began seeing my trip to my parent’s house as a way to help ease some of mine and my daughter’s tension. I knew a change of scenery would do us both good. I also had hopes that since we would be in a less stressed environment that we would be able to mentally relax. My daughter was excited about our trip for the same reasons. Neither one of us has been disappointed. Being here has had the affect that we both desired.  We both are happier and feeling significantly more relaxed. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and my daughter has been acting as if she has a lighter load as well. Now that the oppressive tension is gone, we both feel like we have more breathing room.

The only thing I was not sure about, is how the separation would affect my husband. I was not convinced that he would be able to take the time – with less responsibilities – and relax mentally. When I spoke with him on the phone – during our first few days here – I could tell that he was still extremely tense, and stressed. Our phone conversations were full of friction and not enjoyable. However, since yesterday I have noticed that he has a more relaxed tone of voice, and seems to be enjoying his time alone. I think the extra breathing room has been good for him too.

I know that I cannot run away to my parents every time I get stressed out in my own house, but I am glad that I can come here – every once in a while – and get the mental relaxation I need. It makes me feel good to know that my husband can take advantage of this time as well. What I like best, is the positive impact this time of little to no stress has had on my daughter. I have learned that we all do better with a little extra breathing room now and then.