Author Archives: Margaret Tidwell

Power Of Positive Words – C

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Recently, I joined/liked a face book page called Mental Health. I really have enjoyed it because it is very active, and is full of positive thoughts, questions to ponder, and encouragement. Not long ago, they posted a great exercise that I decided to duplicate on my blog. This is what it is…

“The power of positive words is life giving. Beginning with the letter A and ending it with Z….can we make a list of one word for each letter (A-Z) and include WHY this word makes YOU feel positively happy?”

I have decided that I am going to try to post a different letter/word every day – starting with the letter A – and explain why the word makes me feel positively happy. I might even start over from A again after I reach the end of the alphabet.

Caring – This word makes me feel positively happy because it reminds me of how many people I have in my life that really do care about me. There was a time in my life – not too long ago – when I believed that no one cared about me. I am so happy that I was wrong. The people that really do care about me do so no matter what my circumstances are. They do not resent my mental health, and physical health issues. They build me up!

When I think of the letter C something else comes to mind that also makes me feel positively happy. When I was a kid Cookie Monster used to sing a song called C Is For Cookie. I have been singing the song all morning, so I decided to include the lyrics here as well.

Now what starts with the letter “C”?
“Cookie” starts with “C”!
Let’s think of other things that starts with “C”!
Uh. . .Uh. . . Who cares about da other things?!

(CHORUS)x2

“C” is for Cookie that’s good enough for me,
“C” is for cookie that’s good enough for me,
“C” is for cookie that’s good enough for me,
Oh! cookie, cookie, cookie starts with “C”!

Hey, You know what? A round cookie with one bite out of it looks like a “C”
A round donut with one bite out of it also looks like a “C” but it is not as good as a cookie
Oh, and the moon sometimes looks like a “C” but you can’t eat that
So…
(CHORUS)
Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts with “C”
Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts with “C”

I would love to see what you come up with for the letter C!

Thankful Five

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It is the Monday after Christmas, and time for me to remind myself of the many things I have to be thankful for. If you have never taken the time to either daily or weekly write a short list of things to be thankful for, you really ought to give it a try. Doing this has made it so much easier for me to keep a positive attitude during circumstances that would have really devastated me in the past.

  1. I am thankful for friends and family who love me.
  2. I am thankful for snow – it was so pretty to look at when it was falling.
  3. I am thankful for the women in my family who have taught me how to be strong.
  4. I am thankful for my new purple Snuggie.
  5. I am thankful for new electronic devices.

Day 14 – Blog Journal

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Welcome to Day 14 of my Blog Journal. I was not too thrilled with today’s suggested topic, so I decided to do my own thing again….

As I was drying my hair this morning, I decided I wanted to put some kind of Christmas ribbon in my hair. I could not find a ribbon I was thrilled with, however, I found something much cooler. I attached the items to a barret of mine. Here is what it looks like…

Day 7 – 30 Days Of Truth

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Today’s prompt is to write about someone who has made my life worth living. I suppose many people would name their child/children, or their spouse, maybe even their dog. While all of those people are wonderful to have in our lives – and we love them bunches – they are not the person who has made my life worth living. To put it simply, the person who has made my life worth living is God.

I know that God has plans for me. I know that God sees me as his daughter, and princess. I know that God delights in me. Without God having a hand of protection over me when I tried to take my own life, I would not be here. It was not his plan for me to die when I had planned. He has other plans for me. I think I know what some – but not all – of them are. Fulfilling the purpose that God has for me, has given me a new zest for life. The thought of the things I can – and will – do in his name fills me with hope, and happiness.

Power Of Positive Words – B

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Recently, I joined/liked a face book page called Mental Health. I really have enjoyed it because it is very active, and is full of positive thoughts, questions to ponder, and encouragement. Not long ago, they posted a great exercise that I decided to duplicate on my blog. This is what it is…

“The power of positive words is life giving. Beginning with the letter A and ending it with Z….can we make a list of one word for each letter (A-Z) and include WHY this word makes YOU feel positively happy?”

I have decided that I am going to try to post a different letter/word every day – starting with the letter A – and explain why the word makes me feel positively happy. I might even start over from A again after I reach the end of the alphabet.

Brave – it makes me feel positively happy when I think about how brave I have been since beginning depression treatment. I have had to open myself up to a stranger – my counselor – do things that make me feel uncomfortable to overcome my anxiety, and make difficult decisions to protect my mental health. I am braver than I ever gave myself credit for.

I would love to see what positive words you come up with for the letter B!

Christmas

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For most people, – who observe Christmas – this is the time of year they celebrate the birth of Christ. It represents a time of reflection, happiness, joy, celebration, and love. They decorate their homes, listen to carols, and buy special gifts for their loved ones. For them, it is a wonderful time of year. While these people are enjoying their celebrations, there is a silent, and hidden population who are suffering. They are consumed by feelings of sadness, loneliness, self-loathing, and depression. For them, there is no joy.

I used to be one of those silent, suffering people. I hid myself away in order to not expose myself to the happiness of others. It was toxic to me. It would propel me into fits of rage. How could the people around me be so HAPPY when I was SUFFERING so much? Who did they think they were, going around flaunting their JOY, and LOVE in front of me – someone so SAD, and full of SELF HATRED?

For several years, I barely acknowledge this time of year, and its meaning. I would have nothing to do with Church. I would not allow a discussion of how to decorate the house to take place. Buying any sort of present for anyone was not possible – I could barely leave the house. The happier I saw people, the more I wanted to hide away. My stagnant state became even more stagnant – it is possible – in the face of such happiness. The Christmas of 2007 was the worst. It was the Christmas before I acted on my suicidal thoughts.

My thoughts revolved around only a few things, one of which was how I KNEW that this would be my LAST Christmas. I tried to enjoy it so my family would at least have that as a good memory. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not make myself do it. I think it was because in my head I was saying silent good-byes to everyone. It turned out to not be my last Christmas. I survived my attempt to take my own life.

Last Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions for me. Mentally and emotionally I was doing better. I was still experiencing some pretty strong depression symptoms, but at least I did not want to die anymore. However, this time last year I was in the hospital due to an asthma flare. Even though I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, I still felt pretty rotten. My poor physical health did have some impact on my mental health, but not as much as it had in the past. I even managed to find a few things to be happy about. I relented on my desire to have no Christmas decorations in the house, and allowed my daughter to put up – and decorate – a small fiber optic tree. I did, however, still spend most of my time at home – by myself.

This year things have been different. I am not going to lie and say that I am not experiencing any depression symptoms, but even just compared to last year, what I am experiencing is mild, and for the most part normal – based on what is going on with my marriage. I put up Christmas lights outside, helped decorate a Christmas tree, and have made plans to cook a few things for our Christmas meal. I have even gone to more than one store in spite of all the Christmas shopping madness. I have checked into my own life, and I am enjoying all that it has to offer me.

Are things exactly how I want them to be right now? No, absolutely not! However, I have learned that I can be happy and enjoy life – and Christmas – even when things are not how I want them.

Power of Positive Words

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Recently, I joined/liked a face book page called Mental Health. I really have enjoyed it because it is very active, and is full of positive thoughts, questions to ponder, and encouragement. Today they posted a great exercise that I decided to duplicate on my blog. This is what it is…

“The power of positive words is life giving. Beginning with the letter A and ending it with Z….can we make a list of one word for each letter (A-Z) and include WHY this word makes YOU feel positively happy?”

I have decided that I am going to try to post a different letter/word every day – starting with the letter A – and explain why the word makes me feel positively happy. I might even start over from A again after I reach the end of the alphabet.

For this first post I am going to use the word I put up on the Mental Health page today.

Acceptance – It makes me positively happy when people accept me for who I am, limitations, weaknesses, strengths and all.

I would love to see what positive words you come up with for the letter A!

Day 6 – 30 Days Of Truth

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Today’s prompt is to write about something I hope I never have to do. Wow…There are so many things I hope I never have to do. I also know I cannot spend too much time focusing on those things. That type of thinking is dangerous for me, it can lead to depression symptoms. It could also lead to a full blown depressive episode. With that in mind, I am going to change the writing prompt just a little bit, now it is to write about something that I hope never happens again.

I hope that I never again experience such a severe, and long lasting depressive episode. That dark feeling hurt so much – physically, emotionally, and mentally. It wore me out – body and soul. It almost cost me my life. I can honestly say that it was the worst thing I have ever experienced. During the worst of my depression, I felt so unloved, and alone. I did not feel worthy of anything good. Quite frankly, I the thought of going back to such a state of depression scares me.

I have not wasted what I learned in my dark days, and the treatment afterwards. I have learned a great deal about myself, and others. I am probably more at peace with myself than I have ever been in my whole life. The best thing I have gained from that experience is a love of life.

Thankful Five

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It is that time again…time for me to list five things I am thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for that I might list a few more than just my normal five.

  1. I am very thankful for an old friend – have not spoken with him for around 18 years – who has been so encouraging. He reminded me that I am a child of God.
  2. I am extremely thankful for these ladies – Margaret of The World As I See It , Angel of Angel Believes , Jacqui of Wacky Jacqui’s Designs , and a friend from My Hypothetical Divorce Even though none of us have met in real life, they have been encouraging, and supportive of me. I cannot put into words how much they mean to me.
  3. I am thankful for the ladies who are in my support group. They are beautiful inside and out.
  4. I am thankful for the time with my mother. It has been precious.
  5. I am thankful for the opportunity at having a new – and better – relationship with my son.
  6. I am thankful for my generous and loving daughter in law.
  7. I am thankful for today.

I See The Moon

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Did you see the lunar eclipse the other night? I did! What an awesome thing to see! I was amazed by the fact that there would not be another lunar eclipse like that one for around three hundred years. My thoughts turned to the people who had witnessed the last lunar eclipse of this type. I wondered what they thought about it? Were they scared? Did they see it as an omen of some sort? Maybe they viewed it as a special gift/sign from God? I certainly viewed it as a gift from God.

At the same time I have been struggling with my depression, I have been struggling with my faith. My faith in God and my faith in His love for me faltered in the face of the extreme emotional and mental pain I was experiencing. I became angry with God, blaming him for the horrible pain. I was sad at the loss of our relationship. I felt separated and far away from God, and I had no idea how to find my way back to Him. A few months ago, I realized that God was still there. He had not separated himself from me, I had separated myself from him.

As I learned how to release the anger I had stuffed inside of me, the barrier I had erected between me and God came down. I discovered that my place as a daughter of God was still there. Through the last few weeks of struggle, angry words, and sadness over the fact that my marriage is ending, I have found myself drawing closer to Him. I am feeling comforted, and at peace from my rekindled relationship with God.

When I woke up the other night – and decided to go outside to witness the eclipse – I was expecting to see something “cool”. Instead, what I witnessed, and felt was something so extraordinary that I have been thinking about it for days. The eclipse itself was awe inspiring. What made it even more remarkable was how much brighter than usual the stars were. I keep thinking about a line from the Christmas Hymn O’ Holy Night. It is something like this “and the stars were brightly shining on the night of our dear Savior’s birth”. While the eclipse, and the beautiful stars were a gift, I was given something that I consider infinitely more precious. It was being able to share that experience with my mother.

My mother has an extremely difficult time walking right now. Walking also causes her a great deal of pain. Despite those factors, she went outside with me. That one little step she had to go down gave her some difficulty, and the ground was squishy from all the rain, but she did it. Standing out there with the brightly shining stars, the awesomeness of the eclipse, and my mother is something I will never forget. In all my adult life, I cannot remember a time where we have done anything close to that, with so much peace inside both of us. What a wonderful gift!