For most people, – who observe Christmas – this is the time of year they celebrate the birth of Christ. It represents a time of reflection, happiness, joy, celebration, and love. They decorate their homes, listen to carols, and buy special gifts for their loved ones. For them, it is a wonderful time of year. While these people are enjoying their celebrations, there is a silent, and hidden population who are suffering. They are consumed by feelings of sadness, loneliness, self-loathing, and depression. For them, there is no joy.

I used to be one of those silent, suffering people. I hid myself away in order to not expose myself to the happiness of others. It was toxic to me. It would propel me into fits of rage. How could the people around me be so HAPPY when I was SUFFERING so much? Who did they think they were, going around flaunting their JOY, and LOVE in front of me – someone so SAD, and full of SELF HATRED?

For several years, I barely acknowledge this time of year, and its meaning. I would have nothing to do with Church. I would not allow a discussion of how to decorate the house to take place. Buying any sort of present for anyone was not possible – I could barely leave the house. The happier I saw people, the more I wanted to hide away. My stagnant state became even more stagnant – it is possible – in the face of such happiness. The Christmas of 2007 was the worst. It was the Christmas before I acted on my suicidal thoughts.

My thoughts revolved around only a few things, one of which was how I KNEW that this would be my LAST Christmas. I tried to enjoy it so my family would at least have that as a good memory. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not make myself do it. I think it was because in my head I was saying silent good-byes to everyone. It turned out to not be my last Christmas. I survived my attempt to take my own life.

Last Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions for me. Mentally and emotionally I was doing better. I was still experiencing some pretty strong depression symptoms, but at least I did not want to die anymore. However, this time last year I was in the hospital due to an asthma flare. Even though I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, I still felt pretty rotten. My poor physical health did have some impact on my mental health, but not as much as it had in the past. I even managed to find a few things to be happy about. I relented on my desire to have no Christmas decorations in the house, and allowed my daughter to put up – and decorate – a small fiber optic tree. I did, however, still spend most of my time at home – by myself.

This year things have been different. I am not going to lie and say that I am not experiencing any depression symptoms, but even just compared to last year, what I am experiencing is mild, and for the most part normal – based on what is going on with my marriage. I put up Christmas lights outside, helped decorate a Christmas tree, and have made plans to cook a few things for our Christmas meal. I have even gone to more than one store in spite of all the Christmas shopping madness. I have checked into my own life, and I am enjoying all that it has to offer me.

Are things exactly how I want them to be right now? No, absolutely not! However, I have learned that I can be happy and enjoy life – and Christmas – even when things are not how I want them.