There was a time, during my deepest, darkest depression days, when I lost my faith. I could not believe that my God would allow me to live in so much pain. I was angry with Him, and no longer trusted Him. I felt betrayed by Him. As my mind began to heal, so did my relationship with God. I realized that He never wanted me to go through so much pain. I believe that a series of choices I made during my adult life cleared the way for depression to take a firm foot hold in my life. Once that happened, my ability to reason and make logical choices flew out the window.
Despite what I chose, death by suicide, God had a different plan for me. Even though I could not see His presence through my pain, He never left me. He never betrayed me. He made sure that when I finally chose to seek help that the right people were placed in my path. He gave me the inspiration to start blogging, and then showed me that I was good at writing.
He showed me that my pain filled past could help someone in their pain filled present.
This week has been so full of that message. I really needed that reassurance. Like everyone else in the world, there are days when I struggle. There are days when I need reassurance that I am helping. I think God filled that cup up this week, so that I would carry His message of Hope with me every where. So that on the days that I struggle, I have His message to sustain me.
Every Friday, I create a guest post for @MargaretsBlogs of The World As I See It. For this week’s post, she had asked me to do something for Invisible Illness week, the topic was depression. I started on a post for her, then I got side tracked. I decided to create a video about depression for myself. While I was creating it, it came to me that I should give the video to @MargaretsBlogs for the Friday guest post. It was a struggle to make the video. When I thought it was finished, I attempted to upload it to YouTube. YouTube would not accept it. It seems there were some copyright issues with the two songs I had planned on using. So then I spent hours going through YouTube’s approved music list to find two more songs. The two new songs I found are wonderful. Not only do I like them better than I what I had originally wanted to use, I feel that they also have more meaning. In fact, one of the songs is one of my favorite Hyms. It feels to me that God was directing the video and the music.
When I sent the link to @MargaretsBlogs, I was so nervous. I was not sure if she would want to use it, or even if she would like it. What I got in response showed me once again that there had been Divine Intervention. She said, “I want you to know that this video is something that I needed to watch. It is like God told you just what I needed right now.”
You can see the video on The World As I See It.
I have a friend who lives in Scotland. I have known her for many years. She taught my 20 year old son when he was in First Grade. So if my math is correct, we have known each other for….a very long time. She and her husband own their own Bed and Breakfast, 1883 Guest House. I hope I can go visit her there someday. She has become the head supporter of my book writing efforts. I sent her a link to the video. In response she wrote me a note with some very good questions. I decided to answer them in this blog post. To me, with this added to the other things that I have been brought to my attention, I am convinced that there is a message from God in all of this. He wants me to pay attention to it.
My friend wrote:
Have you ever stopped and thought about the reason for your depression? Without it would you have discovered your talent of writing and creating help for other people? Would your family be as strong as it is today? Lots of questions to ponder. I am in awe of you.
L
xxxxx
- I do not think my depression and the pain I went through were part of God’s plan for me. What I do think, is now that I have gone through it, and am starting to see the other side of things, God is using what I went through to help other people.
- I cannot even image my life in the past without the depression, or previous depressive episodes, or my negative thinking. It all had become such a part of me. I think getting my mind healthy is more of the reason I discovered that I had a talent for writing and could use it to help other people. I thought so little of myself before my treatment started that I never would have written about things so publicly. I would have thought that it was not good enough. The process of getting mentally health is what showed me that I had a great many more talents and gifts than I ever thought I had.
- I think my family is stronger because of what we all have learned as I have been getting my mind healthy. Our family dynamics are healthier as well. Once I began demanding that I be heard, and saying what I mean and meaning what I say, and insisted on certain things, all of our relationships began to change. As I progressed in my treatment, and I became happier, my family enjoyed being around me more. Although, I was the one technically in treatment, the way things have worked out, it is like we all were in treatment.
I am also in awe of you, my friend. Since I have known you, you have had a strength that I have always admired.
There is still more that was said to me that reinforces that I need to pay attention to what I believe God is trying to show me. When I was at my appointment with the new psychiatrist she asked me if I knew what I had been diagnosed with. I believe she was asking this because she wanted to make sure I was self aware. I was able to tell her my diagnosis was Major Depression with Anxiety components. She asked me why I thought I was given that diagnosis. I told her about how long the depression lasted and about my suicide attempts. Then out of the blue she said, “With all that you tried to do to kill yourself and it did not work, you must be here for a reason.” When I started telling her about my blog and the other activities I have been doing to bring awareness to mental illness, she let me know that she thought that was at least part of the reason I was meant to be here.
Finally, last night on Twitter, one of my favorite Twitter people sent me several tweets about this same topic. Her Twitter name is @diesel_lady. The following is a copy of the Tweets:
@MelissaMashburn I’m so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. I keep up with you and your work for the “suicide” cause. So proud.
@MelissaMashburn I think you’re brave, caring, and genuinely concerned with people contemplating taking their own life.
@MelissaMashburn I’m sure you’ve inadvertently helped people online who thought about it until they read your feed.
@MelissaMashburn You’ve shared your personal story, blogged, and shown support for various causes.
@MelissaMashburn I’m so glad your attempt was unsuccessful. We would have missed out on a great lady and dear sister. Love you
I feel blessed. I am blessed that these ladies (and others I did not list here) took the time to share their thoughts with me. These reminders of my purpose are exactly what I needed. I am very thankful that I am not alone in my journey, God has gifted me with the most amazing people.
Did you see the lunar eclipse the other night? I did! What an awesome thing to see! I was amazed by the fact that there would not be another lunar eclipse like that one for around three hundred years. My thoughts turned to the people who had witnessed the last lunar eclipse of this type. I wondered what they thought about it? Were they scared? Did they see it as an omen of some sort? Maybe they viewed it as a special gift/sign from God? I certainly viewed it as a gift from God.