Treasure – October 16, 2009

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

I made a good memory last night.  It started off though as a foolish mistake.  I had gotten up yesterday morning and decided that since I had late afternoon counseling appointment I would put a roast in the crock pot.  I got it in the crock pot, seasoned everything, and turned it on and gave it not another thought. When it was time to add the potatoes, I discovered I had forgotten to plug it in.  No roast for supper.

Instead we went to a pizza buffet place, that had a game room.  After supper, Anna and Farrol wanted to play a racing game.  I had told both of them I was not interested in playing any games, but I went in to watch them.  While I was wandering around, I found the perfect arcade game for me.  It was a chicken game,where all you had to do was move an egg basket around and catch falling eggs with it.  It was loads of fun, and it spit out tickets.  By the time I had finished playing I ha over 500.  Anna and I went over to where we cashed in the tickets and the guy behind the counter let me pick from two things that were supposed to go for over 800 tickets.  I picked out this crazy looking dog thing that was very round, on the inside of it was a large ball.  I gave it to Anna because I knew she would end up with it anyway.

It was great fun goofing off with the family.

Random Thoughts – October 16th 2009

The big news story of the day was the little boy that authorities thought was stuck in a home made, weather balloon looking thing that was flying and not under anyone’s control.  The authorities followed this balloon around, hoping that the little boy they thought was inside was unharmed.

Eventually, the balloon landed and when thewnded up being found in his own home, hiding in a cardboard box.

It seems that the father let a couple of things slip while the family was on Larry King live, and now the family is being investigated.  I would assume that they are being investigated for the hoax, and it would not surprise me if they were being investigated for child endangerment.

It's All About The Numbers

Diabetes is a numbers disease.  By that I mean everything to do with control and treatment revolves around a number.  The patient has their numbers, the doctor has his own numbers, and some how these numbers are supposed to give us answers.  Sometimes the number in the answer indicates that everything is running smoothly other times it tells us that we need to modify our treatment.  There are even numbers for what we eat. 

I have never found numbers or math to be all that interesting.  In fact, to be quite honest about it, numbers bore me.  I hated learning math in school, and I especially hated it when a teacher would tell me that “someday” I would have a use for those math formulas.  It never dawned on me that one day my life would revolve around numbers, like it does now.  It seems as if every math teacher I have ever had is getting their revenge for me having slept through their class.

 I spent years of my life avoiding the use of numbers in any form.  The most difficult thing I used numbers for was to keep a running total of how much I had spent at the grocery store.  That was exhausting enough.  Now I have to deal with numbers even before I have my first cup of coffee.  I have tried concentrating on them while I am half asleep, but since obtaining those morning numbers involves a finger stick, blood and a glucose meter it is not the most effective way to obtain the number I need. Not to mention, I seem to mess up more when I try and get a blood sample from my finger when I only have one eye open.    I keep trying though, my hope is to one day master the technique of half asleep number gathering.

Every time I get my morning number, I have to analyze it.  It is a simple procedure, but without the benefit of a cup of coffee and being half asleep, it becomes  rather complicated.  I have to attempt to open both eyes, realize I still cannot see it because I have forgotten to put my glasses on, spend several minutes looking for my glasses, and then finally I can see the number in the glucose meter.  Once I can read the number, I can analyze it and determine if I need any insulin and how much.   If I do need insulin, I am then forced to do a math formula to determine how much I need.  Still being half asleep, the formula is much more than my poor brain can take first thing in the day.  I often have to do the computing four or five times before I come up with the correct answer.

Once I have the correct number of insulin units, I load a syringe with it, give myself a shot and move on to my next morning numbers, otherwise known as breakfast.  These numbers can be rather complicated.  I have to look at the total carbohydrates and sugars of what I want to eat.  Then I have to decide how much I want of each thing, then add up the total carbohydrates and sugars and makes sure it does not go over the amount I am allowed to have for breakfast.  This became too difficult to do first thing in the day so I came up with a way to get the correct number with no math involved.  I fix the same thing every morning, a serving size amount of an egg substitute, two turkey sausage links, and a serving size bowl of cherries.   

 The rest of my day is filled with numbers as well. Everyday, all day long, numbers for food, numbers for insulin, and numbers for glucose.  It seems to me that living with diabetes is all about the numbers.  Yes, it is definitely revenge from all those math teachers I wronged by sleeping through their classes.

Treasure – October 15, 2009

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

I am making some head way in learning how to take one day at a time.  When I can successfully implement this, I find that my stress levels are greatly decreased and I worry a good deal less. 

As funny as this sounds, I am glad that I have an appointment with my counselor today.  I have many thoughts I want to share with her, and seeing her always grounds me for a week.

I have had a sense of humor around the house these last few days, and I have been laughing more.

Random Thoughts – October 15, 2009

It is another rainy day here.  This time though there is a definite chill in the air. We are moving into fall.  These are the days when I just want to snuggle up in a blanket and read, or sleep.  Instead of a regular blanket, today I a using my snuggie.  Snuggies are these wonderful blankets with arms.  That way you can stay all nice in warm in a blanket and still use your hands to read, type, or anything else and your arms still stay covered.  Relaxing in a blanket cannot get better than a snuggie in my opinion.

In the past, when my depression was out of control, a rainy day like this would make me even more depressed.  I did not enjoy it, I could not see any beauty to it, mostly it just seemed as if the world outside was matching my world inside.  Dark, cloudy, and Sad.

It is nice too look outside and see the beauty in the rain.

The medical reform stuff still has been on my mind.  It seems that at least an overview of it has been approved. Included in that though is a cut in medicare, that is the current health plan for elderly people, and no cost of living increase for people on social security.  While I am too young to be affected by either one of those, it does worry me for my grandmother.  It is already very hard for her to make ends meet.

Health Care Reform

I usually try to avoid any type of political discussion because people have a tendency to get a little heated during them.  However, since this is my blog and the health care reform issues have been on my mind, I thought I would discuss it.

I wish I could say I felt one way or the other about it.  Either for or against it.  The truth is at this point I am confused about it.  There is so much propaganda out there from both sides of the issue that for me it has become muddy.  I do not like some of the behavior I have seen exhibited from both sides.  Sometimes I think there should be a public debate about it, because at least that way, what each side is saying will be monitored and each side can present their facts without the emotions being involved.

On the one hand I am very nervous about a government controlled  health care system.  The government does not always have the best track record when it comes to running things.  The example in my case, is from when I had medicaid for a short period of time.  I went to have  prescription filled for my insulin syringes and I was told that the pharmacy could not fill the prescription because I had to get some sort of authorization from medicaid first.  The pharmacy told me it took at least two weeks to get that authorization.  I was forced to buy my syringes out of my own pocket because I could not go two weeks without using my insulin.  The same thing happened with one of the anti-depressants my psychologist wanted me to try.  The doctor said the whole pre-authorization was a pain in the butt, so what he did is gave me a prescription for something else.  If a doctor feels a patient needs a certain medication or something like syringes I do not understand why medicaid, a government controlled health care system, would insist on taking two weeks to get this pre-authorization.  I actually did not have the money to pay for them out of pocket because Farrol was still out of work then.  I had to borrow the money.  What if I had not been able to do that?  Because a government controlled health care system needed this pre-authorization on something I needed I would have had to wait two weeks.  Two weeks without insulin would have made me feel pretty bad.  If the new government run health care is going to be anything like the systems we already have in place, I am going to feel pretty concerned about the type of health care I would receive.

After listening to some of the stories my friends in Canada have shared with me, I am hugely concerned about possible wait times to see specialists or have procedures done.  My friends have had to wait for months to have certain tests done, like an EEG or to see a specialist about their arthritis.  In the mean time their conditions grew considerable worse or more painful as they were waiting.  There are some illnesses that people cannot wait months to receive treatment for.

I worry that the government will use this health care plan as way to insert itself more into our lives and take away more of our freedoms.  Also, that the government will use its involvement in our lives as an opportunity to pick and choose who will be medically treated and with what treatment or medication they will be treated with.

On the other hand, if we go to a government run health care system, I would know that no matter what my family would have medical insurance.  It was horrible when Farrol lost his job and we lost our insurance.  We had no idea how we were going to get my medications or how we were gong to pay for me to go to a doctor.

The other thing about a government run health care system is that it might be cheaper for us than what we are paying now.  What we have now is so expensive, that depending on the paycheck amount in any given week, that sometimes we can barely afford to have it taken out of Farrol’s paycheck.  We do have co-pays so we are not having to pay full price for medications and doctors, but when you add what we pay each week to the insurance company and what we pay in co-pays, it adds up to a lot of money.  Sometimes the co-pays are not even all that beneficial.  For example, when we did not have insurance I signed up for Walgreen’s W card.  It cost me $20 for a whole year and gives me a discount on prescriptions or any Walgreen’s brand over the counter medication.  The other day I had to go to Walgreens and get my Effexor and vistiral filled.  The Effexor had  a $30 copay.  When the pharmacist was running things through the computer, she figured out it would be cheaper for me to use the W card to get the vistiral than using my insurance.  My question is this, if we are paying so much for our medical insurance every week, why was it cheaper to buy that medication without using my insurance.  That convinces me that the medical insurance companies are probably over charging us and because we are limited on where we can go to get medical insurance there is not enough competition between the insurance companies for them to feel the need to decrease their rates or our co-pays

My taxes are already going to pay for medicare and medicaid.  I am okay with my taxes being used to take care of me and my family if we go to a government controlled health care system.  Admittedly there is a great deal of fraud that exists in those systems, but I am sure that with a little effort the government could get it under control.  When it was time for medicaid to drop me because Farrol had gotten a job, someone asked me why I just did not tell the Department of Family and Children’s services that Farrol and I had separated so that I could continue to receive medicaid.  From what I understand, that is common practice.  People get on it in a time of need and continue to receive it when that time of need is over because they cannot afford medical insurance from where they work.  While I understand why they do it, I do not condone fraud.  I bet though if the government chose to they could figure out who was participating in that kind of fraud and put an end to it.

In the end, I really do not have a choice in this matter as our governing officials in Washington are going to decide this issue for us.  I will have to figure out a way to adapt to whatever changes they do decide to make.  Unfortunately, I do see this issue dividing this nation and no matter which way this goes, I do believe there are going to be some big changes in the U.S.A

Treasure – October 14, 2009

Because I have such a hard time keeping a positive attitude, I wanted to set a section of my blog aside where everyday I can point out something that is positive about a person, a thing, or situation.  This exercise is forcing me to be more of a glass is half full kind of person, and helping me maintain a positive attitude.

I treasure the smell of banana nut bread.  It fills up the whole house with a comforting smell.  To me it is a relaxing smell.  I cannot feel stressed or worried when I have some banana nut bread in the oven and I smell its wonderful aroma.  Maybe banana nut bread and its aroma are the cure for depression and anxiety?

Random Thoughts – October 14, 2009

I have been baking!  Oh how I love baking!  I used to bake all the time.  Chocolate pound cake, pies, sweet breads, shortbread, anything I could think of I would bake.  It has been such a long time since I felt like baking.  Baking takes effort, and before I started getting treated for the depression, effort for anything, much less baking, was something I did not have.  Just the thought of reading the recipe, mixing the ingredients, putting the mixed ingredients in the proper pan and then the clean up of it all seemed like too much work to me. 

I think I would have to say that this week has been better than previous weeks.  I have had a better attitude, more energy, and been less worried than even just a week ago.  I am enjoying the fact that I continue to improve.  These good days, these easy days, give me something to draw from when I have bad days.

I had not heard from my son in months.  In the past, when I would think about it, I would start crying and cry for most of the day.  I miss him being around.  Over the weekend, to myself, I acknowledged that I still missed him but it was easier to deal with now, and the fact that he had not called did not bother me anymore.  I even told myself that if he ever did call, I would enjoy it while I was talking to him, and not give a thought about all the times I  had not.  I believe I had finally come to peace with him being gone and not talking to me.  Out of the blue Monday, my son called me.  This gave me an opportunity to put into effect the new attitude I wanted to have when I talked to him.  It worked!  It was such a pleasant conversation.  I got to hear a lot about him, and how he was doing and I think because I had a much more positive attitude on the phone, he did as well.  When we hung up he said he would all again soon.  If he does, that would be wonderful, if he does not then I am OK with that.  I am just going to treasure the good stuff and dump the rest.