Tag Archives: Mental Health

Que Sera, Sera

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Yesterday, I saw someone on Twitter trying to figure out how she could manage the depression symptoms she was feeling at the time. I told her to distract herself. Just like that, as if it were something very easy to do. I had to think back and remember how I felt when I had daily depression symptoms. I realized something when I did, I cannot recall when it was that I quit having depression symptoms on a daily basis. I also cannot remember when it became easy to distract myself when I was experiencing depression symptoms.

It was definitely an odd feeling to realize that – at least for now – I have the upper hand over my depression. Two years ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed, wanting to die, and felt like there was nothing to live for. I hated myself, I hated the things I had done. I was full of guilt and shame. Every part of my body ached, even my brain ached. I saw myself as worthless.

In a lot of ways, being at this point in my depression treatment/recovery, my life and how I feel now does not seem real. How could I go from feeling so bad, and hating myself so much to being a basically happy person, who genuinely enjoys life and is looking forward to the future? I want to pinch myself! I try to avoid thinking that all of this is a dream.

When I started listing things I used to do to distract myself -to give my Twitter friend a few ideas for what she might try – I was once again reminded of something. Depression recovery is just plain hard – even with medication to help you out. There were just so many days when all I wanted to do was NOTHING! I did not want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, take a shower, clean anything – I did not have enough motivation to do anything.

Then it hit me, the biggest thing that I have had to overcome in my depression treatment has been the lack of motivation that comes with depression. It took determination, willpower, and a great deal of effort, and I am still not sure how I did it. The only thing I can think of is that there had to be some small part of me – way down deep inside – I did not even know was there – that really wanted to live.

Even though I have had to work really hard in my depression treatment, I KNOW I have had it easier than some many. In the grand scheme of things, it did not take a very long time to find the right medication for me. I was blessed that the very first counselor and psychiatrist I saw were the right fit for me. For most of the two years I have been in treatment, I have not had to pay for my services. The negative side effects I experienced as a result of one of my medications did not cause any permanent problems. I only had a very short stay in a psychiatric hospital. I have not had any major setbacks.

Two years is a considerable amount of time, but for me it has flown by. I guess when you’re working that hard to get better time does just fly by. I wonder if part of me will always be in disbelief about how I went from being so depressed I could hardly function, to someone who is now working toward a psychology degree?

There are two things that I think helped me the most. One is the blog. Journaling about my thoughts and feelings and life have helped me tremendously – it still does. The second thing is no longer living with Joe Bob. Almost as soon as I started living with my parents, I felt better. It was like all at once, a dark cloud that had been circling me was gone.  Our relationship was/is extremely toxic. There is no doubt in my mind that it was/is bad for both of us.

Where do I go from here? I’m not completely sure, but I don’t think it really matters that I don’t know yet. The important thing is that I do have some goals – getting a Bachelors Degree in Psychology is one of them. I think I have decided to not worry about the future much. I am going to take the advice found in one of my favorite songs:

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be

Today In History – May 17th -Mental Health Month

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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange was born.

In 1973, the Senate Watergate Committee opens hearings.

In 2009, I tried to take my own life.

Wow! I cannot believe it has been two years! So much has changed since then. I think I need to hear myself say that again… IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF!!

I was so sick. So very sick. I get a shiver up my spine just thinking about how bad I felt back then. I never want to go back to feeling that bad, and being that sick. It was an existence of never ending pain, overwhelming sadness, mental and physical exhaustion, and constant extreme anxiety.

Oh, and hate. I hated myself so much. I cannot even put into words how much I hated myself.

By the time May 17 of 2009 rolled around the only solution I could see to ending my pain, and sheer misery was death. The only way I could picture myself dying was if I took my own life. I had no hope.

But that was then…

As I said before, so much has changed.

I KNOW I will never get that sick again.

I have learned how to manage my depression symptoms so they do not overwhelm me. I know how to ask for help when I think I need it. I have learned to set a healthy boundaries. I have connected with other people, and have created a wonderful support network. Most importantly…

I HAVE HOPE!

Getting mentally healthier did not just happen. I had worked for it. I still have to work for it. Daily. Some days, I struggle to remember everything I have learned, and manage my depression symptoms. Other days, are easier to get through, because everything falls into place -my brain is working good, and my depression symptoms are more manageable.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Do you have hope? Or do you feel lost, alone, full of pain, and hopeless? Do you want to die?

I want you to know, I have been where you are, and I know how you feel. You are not alone. I promise you, things can get better. You can feel better.

All you need to do is reach out for help. Tell a friend. Tell a family member. Tell a co-worker. Tell a doctor. Tell anyone!

Or call…

suicide prevention

Tell them you need help. Tell them you want to die. The worst thing you can do is to keep your suicidal thoughts yourself.

Knights in Scuffed Leather

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A few weeks ago – when I was in the North Georgia mountains – I  locked my dog and my keys in the car. It did not happen because I had gotten distracted and accidentally left the keys behind. Instead, I had made a conscious decision to leave the key in the ignition, with the engine and air conditioning running.

I was heading back to Augusta, and had stopped for coffee. Because of how warm it was outside, I was afraid Minnie would get overheated in the car while I was inside. I came up with what I thought was a great idea to keep Minnie comfortable and safe. I took the ignition key off of my key chain, and then left it in the car ignition, with the car and the air conditioning running. I had the clicker – the car unlocker – so I felt confident that as soon as I got back to the car I would have no problem opening the doors.

Things did not go according to plan. When I pushed the unlock button on the clicker, nothing happened. I pushed it several times to make sure it wasn’t my imagination and the doors still did not unlock. Thinking there might be a glitch somewhere, I decided I would just go through the trunk to access the car. So I tried to pop the trunk. Nothing happened. Minnie was attached to her car seat, and the air-condition was blowing right on her so I knew she would be okay – for a while at least. However, it was disconcerting to know that she was locked in the car.

I figured this is one of those times when I was absolutely going to have to ask for help. So I turned to a young man – whose car was parked near mine – and asked him if he knew how to break into a car. He immediately called over some friends of his – who turned out to be a whole biker family. There was biker grandma all the way down to biker grandchild.

One of the biker family members stood out more than the rest. Not only did he have an air of authority about him, but he also stood out because of the very detailed naked lady that was airbrushed on the back of his jacket. He put himself in charge of getting my car unlocked. Within about 15 minutes, he had managed to unlock the car.

I offered to give them some money for taking up so much of their time, but they refused it. The guy with the naked lady leather jacket winked at me and told me he was on vacation. Grandma biker told me God must have wanted them to stop there for more than just a “pee break”. The original young man I asked for help told me he would have felt bad if they had left me stranded.

The lesson I learned from this is to never judge people by how they look – or by the naked ladies on their leather jackets. This whole family and their friends jumped in to help me without hesitation. They were rough looking, used quite a bit foul language, but they had no problem sacrificing a bit of their time to help another person. The more well-dressed people at that gas station did not offer to help, and just passed on by as if none of us were there. These guys were definitely my Knights In Scuffed Leather.

Don't Tell Mom the Vacuum Cleaner Is Dead

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A few days ago, I killed the vacuum cleaner. I inadvertently ran over a dog toy that clogged it up. I had halfheartedly tried to fix it, but I was not successful. As of this morning, I still had not told mom about the vacuum cleaner’s early demise – I kept hoping I could fix it.

Since mom was gone this morning, I decided it would be a good time to try to fix it. The first thing I did was take the bottom guard off the vacuum cleaner – thinking the toy would be right there within easy reach. When I finally got the guard off I did not see any sign of the toy. The belt looked a little askew, so I started thinking that was the problem. I straightened out the belt, plugged in the vacuum cleaner, turned it on and all I could hear was the awful racket it had been making before I started working on it. I decided the only way I was going to be able to revive it was to perform major surgery.

I took it apart. The only thing I did not dismantle was the motor itself. You can see what it looked like in the picture above. Once I got it apart, I found the offending toy, and was able to remove it.

I was very worried that I would not remember how it all went back together, but after about 15 minutes I managed to put everything back in place. I plugged it in, turned it on, and it worked!

I’m feeling rather proud of myself. Fixing the vacuum cleaner is going to be my victory for the day! I know it seems rather strange to be proud of fixing a vacuum cleaner, and considering it a victory. However, accomplishing little goals like this have done more to build up my self-confidence, self worth, and self-esteem than anything else.

 

I Got Great News!

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I received some wonderful news yesterday evening! I was told that my college tuition would be hundred percent paid for by federal financial aid. I knew that part of my tuition would be paid for that way, but I was totally surprised that all of it would be. The funny thing is I had become so frustrated with the whole process of obtaining financial aid that I was on the verge of just giving up.

Last week, I submitted the FASFA – the application for financial aid. After I submitted it I was told I was going to have to provide more paperwork because I had been picked for a process called verification. All that really means is the review people wanted me to provide some kind of proof to back up the things I said on the FASFA. I managed to get that paperwork turned in before Friday’s deadline. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the verification worksheet – I ended up having to submit it a total of three times yesterday.

Since it was late Friday afternoon before all of my paperwork could be submitted for the review process, I figured that no one would look at it until at least Monday or Tuesday. Instead, the nice young lady I have been working with made sure someone reviewed my paperwork yesterday evening. As soon as they finished looking over everything, and made a decision about my financial aid, I was notified.

The review people came to the conclusion that I had no financial resources with which to use toward my tuition. They based their decision on a document – my Statement of Earnings from the Georgia Department of Labor -that indicated I had no income for the years 2009, 2010, and 2011. Since Jo Bob and I are separated they felt like his income was not a part of my household, and chose not to take it into consideration when reviewing my application.

The financial aid aspect of college was my biggest worry. If I have been told that I was going to have to pay any portion of the tuition, I had no idea how I was going to get the money. I think knowing that my college tuition is taken care of in full will allow me to get more out of the college experience than I would have.

The only thing about this whole process that bothers me is that I can’t share the news with dad. I did cry about that last night.

Excuse My Absence

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This is the longest I’ve gone without updating my blog in months and months. I have just been so busy that I ran out of time and energy during the day. So much has been going on.

Some of you are aware that I have been looking into accredited, online colleges. I think I have found one that is going to work for me. I have been submitting all my financial aid paperwork, and I’m hoping to find out today or Monday exactly how much – and what type – a financial aid I qualify for.

The college has gone ahead and let me sign up for class, and if for some reason the financial aid does not work out – which it should – I will not be under any financial obligation to pay for this week’s school. This first class covers the basics of going to college online, assesses what you already know, creates a learning plan for you, and gives you a taste of what you need to do to be a successful online college student. I have really enjoyed what I have done so far, however, online learning is a bit more challenging than I thought it was going to be.

A big hurdle for me to overcome is my habit of falling asleep at any given moment. When I am in that half awake/half asleep stage it is impossible for me to blog. My brain can’t function when it’s that fuzzy. I have discovered that is also true when I attempt to do my schoolwork. One thing I am doing to try to improve that is making a point of going to bed to sleep instead of allowing myself to doze off in my chair. Maybe this will help me feel more rested during the day.

I feel very proud of myself. Going back to school was a big scary thing, but I have done it. I can’t get over how much everything has changed in the last couple years.

The Homecoming That Wasn't

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The other night I had to go back to the place I used to call home. I needed to meet Joe Bob there to pick up some papers. I arrived early, and while I was waiting I sat in the car and stared at the house. It is as dark and dreary as I remembered. I couldn’t help thinking about how different – less depressing – the atmosphere of where I currently live is compared to this place.

I tried to think of a time when I was happy there, but nothing came to mind. Sure there were times when I looked happy, but it was not a real happiness. Most of my memories of my life there are filled with feelings of sadness, anger, nervousness, confusion, and fear. What a startling contrast to how I feel now! Not being consumed by those negative feelings has certainly made a difference in my life.

Towards the end of the evening I had an opportunity to pick up a few more of my things. As I stood there staring at everything I left behind, it dawned on me that I felt little to no attachment for most of what I saw. For the most part, I was looking at stuff I no longer wanted. I think I finally realized that holding onto that stuff would be like holding onto my depression – preventing me from continuing to move forward. This revelation felt rather odd. After all, for many years I placed a huge value on all that stuff.

The short amount of time I spent in the house was enough to remind me of how far I’ve come, and how far I want to go. It also reminded me of how thankful I am to be out of that oppressive atmosphere.

The Mall, The Bar, And The School

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I cannot exactly remember the last time I went shopping at the mall. The mall is a difficult place for me to  go. First of all, there are too many people. Second, I have a difficult time shopping there because there are too many choices. I get a little lot overwhelmed when I have too many choices in front of me.

Well, not only have I recently gone to the mall, I went on a Saturday! The worst day of the week to go shopping, a Saturday! Granted, I was only in one store and I stayed in the same department the whole time, but it was still the mall.

I had a Macy’s gift card for $47.74. I wanted to use it to buy something for my mother, so I decided to try to find a really nice purse that would fit within that price range. That was not easy. Some of the purses were several hundreds of dollars, I even saw one that had a $500 price tag. Even the ones that were on sale were more than I could afford. So I spent about an hour and a half wandering through the purses. I must have had a really confused look on my face, because one of the managers asked me if I needed any help. I explained to her I was trying to find a purse that I could use the gift card on, and it was very important that the price not go over what I had on the card. She told me if I found something I wanted to buy, bring it to her and she wouldring it up at the register so I could see how much it was going to be with tax.

Eventually I found a purse that I wanted to take a chance on. I took it to the manager, she rang it up, and it was about four dollars too much. I told her that I would just have to put it back. Well, this manager was really, really nice, she told me she had a coupon that would help me out. By the time she finished applying it, I could afford the purse.

So, in essence, I spent zero dollars on a $90 purse.

Later that same evening, mom and I had a few errands to run. She and I decided that instead of going home and cooking we would get supper from a restaurant and take it home. The restaurant we decided on is a place called Reinhardt’s Oyster Bar, and its theme is “beyond casual dining”.

I was the one who went in to place the order and to wait for it. It was loud in there, and I hate loud noises. I had halfway convinced myself that it would be better for me to wander through the crowded dining room, and head back outside to wait, but I changed my mind. So, I waited at the bar. And I waited, and waited. I amused myself by listening to the guys try and pick up the girls, and watched a drunk customer complain about not getting her bread. Even with all the noise there was no freaking out on my part, I did not even come close to having a panic attack.

I did come close to asking for a non-alcoholic Bloody Mary.

Yesterday, I took another bold step and applied to a college. I also began filling out paperwork to see what federal education grants I might qualify for. Whether I end up at the school I was talking to yesterday and today, or somewhere else, I am going back to school. As of now, I have decided that I am going to major in psychology.

Power Of Positive Words – X

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Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind were peppered with negativity.  At that time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life.  Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use.  Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank.  My life is very different now.  I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with what much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.

I know it has been several weeks since the last time I updated my positive word list, but I always struggle when I have to list a word that starts with X. I tackled the X word same way I did last time, I just went to the place in the dictionary where all the words starting with X were listed. I found one I thought was interesting and that is the one I am going to use today.

 

X BAND – : a segment of the superhigh-frequency radio spectrum that lies between 5.2 GHz and 10.9 GHz and is used especially for radars and for spacecraft communication

Grief Has Taught Me A Few Things

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Until I began experiencing grief as a result of dad’s death, I never realized anything could feel as emotionally and physically painful as depression. In fact, they have felt so similar that I became confused, and had a difficult time distinguishing the difference between the two. At one point, I even convinced myself that I was heading toward a depressive episode.

I went to my psychiatrist, thinking she was going to raise the dosage of my depression medication, because of how badly I was feeling. Instead, she told me what I was feeling was normal grief, and while it hurt just as badly as depression does, it was not the same thing. She told me to be patient. She told me the worst of what I was feeling would pass in a few weeks. She was right.

She did give me a word of warning, telling me that with my history of depression I would have a greater chance of my grief turning into a depressive episode. Her solution was not to raise my medication dosage, but instead watch me a little more closely than usual.

Now that the pain of dad’s loss is not so intense, I can see the wisdom in what she said. I can also identify some of the differences between grief and depression, as well as acknowledge that I have learned a few things from this experience.

Both grief and depression include symptoms of sadness, tearfulness, disturbances in sleep, decreased socialization, and changes in appetite. In most cases, that is where the similarities end. Usually, after the first two to three weeks of the grieving process the person is – in most cases – able to carry out most of the obligations and activities that come with daily living. However, a person with severe depression will lack the ability to function for many weeks, months, and in some cases years. In addition, early morning awakening is more common in depression.

One of the biggest differences I have noticed between depression and grief is what my mind has focused on. During my severe major depressive episode I spent a lot of time thinking about myself – in a self negating way. Some of my thoughts during that time were that I was “worth nothing”, “a burden”, and “unlovable”. Nothing could penetrate my thoughts of despair, and my inability to have hope. Eventually, the only option I felt was left to me was suicide. In my grieving process, I have been in emotional pain, but there have been no feelings of despair or hopelessness. Nor have I had any negative thoughts about myself or suicidal thoughts.

There is no question that feelings of loss and sadness are a significant part of grief, however, those feelings are distinctly different than feelings of loss and sadness in someone with depression. A person with depression will usually experience a constant and overwhelming feeling of sadness, while someone grieving typically experiences sadness in “waves”. Most of the time, it is in response to some reminder of their loved one.

For me, these painful memories of dad are paired with positive feelings and memories. For example, when I began the process of trying to organize things in the garage I became overwhelmed with grief. Dad’s death was the reason I was having to organize the garage, and get things ready to move. That hurt. I sat down and cried for an hour. When I was able to calm down enough to get back to work one of the first things I found was dad’s coonskin hat. So in the middle of that emotional pain I found something to laugh about. During my depressive episode finding that hat certainly would not have made me laugh, in reality it probably would have caused me to cry even more.

While there have been plenty of times when I have wanted to be alone in my grief, I have noticed that I have not gone to the extremes I did during my depressive episode to isolate myself. I have maintained social contacts, and even reached out to friends and family when I felt overwhelmed by my grief. I have allowed myself to be consoled, something that would have been impossible if what I had been feeling was depression symptoms.

I still miss dad, and I know I always will, but at least I have a professional support team, my mother, real friends, and online friends to help me through my grieving process.