When I was growing up, I often wondered why my family could not be normal – like everyone else’s was. I honestly believed my family was different. In my family people said, and did things that hurt the other members. We got angry with each other, and often stayed that way for days, weeks, and months. To top it off, my parents were not perfect! When I compared my family to others, I could see how flawed we were, and how perfect the other families were. I knew if I could ever find a way to live with those other families my life would be wonderful.

I grew into an angry teenager. Even back then I was bitter, and angry at the world – especially at my extremely imperfect mother. The anger, and bitterness stayed with me even after I became an adult. I had a whole history of hurt, confusion, rejection, and even some abuse that I kept in my present. I kept it there by recounting it, staying angry and bitter, and dwelling on the fact that I did not have the perfect family – a normal family. I was a prisoner of  a past I would not let go of.

One of the things I have discovered during the time I have been in treatment for my depression is – much to my surprise – my family is normal. All of those families that I thought were just so perfect, really were not. They had their own secrets of pain, and hidden flaws. The measuring stick I had been using to compare my family to other families did not exist.

The discovery that my family is normal revealed something to me. It showed me that I was imprisoned by my past, and that all of the painful memories, and etc. were preventing me from enjoying life, and my family. In an effort to create a more positive outlook on life, I made a conscious decision to acknowledge my past, the imperfections of my family and then move on.

It has been an exciting, and amazing experience. I get to pick, and choose which memories I am going to concentrate on. Accepting the ones that are pleasant, and positive, and rejecting the ones that are painful, and make me angry and/or sad. Doing this has allowed me to let go of so much anger, and bitterness. It has freed me from my past.

Getting rid of that barrier has also allowed me to get to know my parents better. By putting aside those painful memories I have been able to see how wonderful my imperfect mother, and father are.

“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.” ~ Andre Maurois

Have you ever done something out of hurt, and anger that you wished you could take back? Have you have gotten bogged down by feelings of pettiness – focusing on something that in the grand scheme of things is really no big deal? I have, and very recently too.

According to the online version of the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary the word petty means:

1. having secondary rank or importance : minor, subordinate

2. : having little or no importance or significance

3. : marked by or reflective of narrow interests and sympathies: small-minded

Small-minded is definitely a good way to describe my recent behavior. Let me tell you what I did.

Currently, Joe Bob does not have an internet connection. Unless he goes some place he cannot read what is on my blog for himself. So one his neighbors (used to be mine when I lived there) has been reading my blog, and telling him what I have written. When she does this, she spends tons of time on the blog, and greatly increases the page load rate. Neither of those things affect my blog, band with usage, or affects my hosting fees. However, it greatly irritated me.

I guess my irritation came from the fact that it felt like she was reading my blog, and then “telling on me”. It also felt like she and Joe Bob were laughing at, and making fun of me and my blog. Out of pettiness, I banned her ip address – even when it changed – from my blog. At one point I set the banned message to say “I know who you are”. When I was asked why I had done this, my response was very childish “It is my blog, and I can do what I want.”

In the past few days I have been thinking about my reaction to what she was doing. My conclusion is that I over-reacted. I behaved in a petty way out of hurt, and irritation. In the grand scheme of things what she was doing was no big deal. So what if she spends hours on my site. So what if she and Joe Bob laugh, and make fun of me. It does not change the truth of what I have written, and will write.

I have removed the ban, and promised myself to not put it back on again.