I have noticed a lot of advice floating around in books, on the internet, and on television that implies the way to success is to be aggressive and to be “in front of the pack”. I think there is something wrong with this thinking. I believe getting behind someone who has already spent some time on the trail Continue reading →

Saturday was a very special day! It was my 41st birthday! How awesome is that?! To some people turning 41 is not that big of a deal, however, to me it is very significant. This is the second birthday I have had since my suicide attempt, and I am not in a hospital. Continue reading →

I have noticed something about mud. It can show up in the most unexpected places. I can clean mud off myself, the carpet, and the dog, and still find places it has stuck to. I usually find the hidden mud after it has dried – making it very difficult to clean it off. Especially the mud we have here in Georgia. Continue reading →

I am exhausted, emotionally exhausted. Last week was an emotional roller coaster, and – even though it is only Monday – this week is not starting off any better. I am so over the emotional ups, and downs. It is using all the self-control I have to not break out in a fit of screaming, and ugliness.

Despite the emotional ups and downs last week, it ended with me being full of hope, and excitement. My daughter had finally agreed to come visit me. She was to stay until the 22nd of February. I was really looking forward to being able to reconnect with her. I did not have anything exciting planned. Just a few things like introducing her to her niece, taking her to a store or two in the mall, and maybe going to the local swamp.

The drive down was pleasant. She seemed to be in a good mood, there were a few jokes, laughs between us. We got in about 9:30 or so Friday night. Saturday my daughter-in-law brought the new baby over for me to watch while she ran some errands. My daughter was so great with her niece. Except for when she and I ate supper, and when I had to change a very smelly diaper, she held the baby. In fact, she would not even hand over the baby when I asked to hold her. It really looked to me like she was enjoying the time with her niece. That evening things began to change.

My daughter mentioned to me that Joe Bob had called her five times – each time asking if my mother had given her the digital camera she had bought her. We had been there less than 24 hours, and most of the time my mother had been in bed because her legs had been hurting her badly, so the opportunity had not presented itself to give her the gift. Around the time my daughter mentioned the phone calls – and their subject matter – she began to express her desire to go back home. I told her I would take her home on the 22nd as planned.

I called Joe Bob, and politely asked him to quit calling her about whether or not she got the gift from my mother. He said he would. My daughter continued to state that she wanted to go home, and she was bored. By the time Sunday evening arrived my daughter had worked herself up even more. I tried talking to her to find out exactly what the problem was, but she could not tell me anything concrete. For example, I asked her if anyone had “lectured” her – she HATES being lectured. She let me know that no one had, but she “could tell people wanted to”.

I will say that she pointed out no one was saying much to her. We are in a difficult position with her though. She has a very bad habit of taking something we have said to her, or things she has overheard, and twisting the truth just enough to make things sound different than what was really said. She then takes her version of the truth, and tells it to her father. Invariably, she twists things in such a way that what Joe Bob hears usually makes him angry, or he can use it as some sort of “ammunition”. Even with as cautious as we were being she did this more than once on Saturday, and Sunday. Of course he was angry about her “story”, and also angry because – even though we had only been here less than 48 hours – my mother had not given my daughter the camera yet.

My daughter, and her father kept calling each other. I tried to get him to agree to telling her to stick to the original plan. He would not. In the end, he decided to drive four hours down here, drive four hours back to his house, and then working – driving a logging truck – the next morning. My mother decided having a tired logging truck driver on the road would be dangerous to all the other people on the road, so since she and dad had business in the area decided to let take my daughter with them. They met Joe Bob, and left my daughter with him. Before they left my mother gave my daughter the camera.

Part of me wonders if his constant calling created a situation where my daughter wanted to go home. I have no idea. I do not know what they talked about. What I do know is that neither one of them gave me a chance to really spend any time with her, and it hurts. I believe I have done everything I can do to reconnect with my daughter. I am at a loss on what to do next. The only thing I can think to do now is to give her some time with no pressure to visit me.

Right now I feel as if I am struggling a bit. I am sure the pain, and sadness I feel are “normal” for the situation, but that really does not give me any comfort.