I have noticed something about mud. It can show up in the most unexpected places. I can clean mud off myself, the carpet, and the dog, and still find places it has stuck to. I usually find the hidden mud after it has dried – making it very difficult to clean it off. Especially the mud we have here in Georgia.

Most of Georgia is covered in red clay, which turns into spectacular mud when it gets wet. Not only does it splatter, and end up all over the place – like regular mud. It also has a tendency to leave behind a reddish-orange stain – even on skin. In the middle of my pity party this week, I realized – for me – too much self-pity often resembles sticky mud. Its effects show up in the most unexpected places of my life.

At one time or another I think almost everyone has had a little – sometimes big – pity party for themselves. Personally, I think it is perfectly okay to do this. Within reason of course. The problem for me is in keeping it within reasonable boundaries. Instead of keeping it a short indulgent bit of self-care, I have the ability to turn it into a full body wallowing session. Once I allow it to get to that point – wallowing in the mud of self-pity – I experience depression symptoms.

The last few months have been extremely difficult for me – the last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining. By the time this week came around, I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. To be frank, I was feeling very sorry for myself. All I could focus on was ME and how I was feeling emotionally. That is not necessarily a bad thing, however in this case it has been. I have been spending too much time replaying certain events over, and over. Two things occurred which brought to my attention that I have been experiencing depression symptoms.

The first thing that happened is a part  broke on the toilet. Logic would dictate that I would need to buy a new part – to replace the broken one. Logic was not my strong suit that day, instead – because I was so desperate to NOT leave the house – I tried to fix the broken toilet part with duct tape.  Eventually, I gave up on the duct tape idea, and went to buy a part for the toilet. It is rather amazing to me the lengths I will go to in order to not leave the house.

The second thing that occurred is – after I took my shower on Wednesday – I put a pair of pajamas on. I know what you are thinking…”What is the big deal about putting pajamas on?” The big deal is what I was thinking when I made the decision to do that. It is also a habit I got into when my depression was severe. In my head, I kept thinking that putting my pajamas on would make it easier for me to climb back in bed when I wanted to avoid the world.

Wallowing in the mud of self-pity is just not healthy for me. A moment of indulgence is one thing, but this mud bath is really interfering with my life. I need to take some proactive steps to get myself up, out of the mud, and hosed off.

1. I need to make a point of leaving the house at least once a day – even if it is only to hang out at Walgreens, or get a cup of coffee at Circle K.

2. I need to spend more time in the living room with my parents. Less isolation will be good for me.

3. Getting back to some regular writing would be good for me.

4. I need to spend some time socializing with my internet, and real life friends. I have cut myself off from most of them this week.