A friend of dad’s brought by several boxes full of things that were in dad’s office. As I was bringing them in, I noticed a little plaque. The words on it caught my attention for a couple of reasons.
Basically, the words on the plaque embodied dad’s approach to life, and they represent a way of life I am striving towards. I took a picture of it so I could share it with you.
I need a job, and I am asking you for help.
My father was always very good about making sure I had some money for things I needed and wanted. Obviously, now that he has passed away that is no longer possible. I would like to help with the finances around here, and also have some money for things I need. So I am hoping that someone out there either needs some help, or knows someone who does – and would like to take a chance on me.
I would like to find a job I can do from home. I am not too particular about what it is – as long as there is some money involved. I am not expecting a large paycheck, just whatever is the going rate.
Some things I have thought about are proofreading, writing, data entry, and call center work. However, I am open to any suggestions someone might have.
If you are looking for some help, or know of someone who is, I would appreciate it if you would keep me in mind.
You can contact me at melissalynnshell at gmail dot com
This is the fifth day of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:
Health Haiku. 5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables about your condition.Write a few if you would like.
Writing poems is something I have no skill for, but I am going to give this a shot – once I learn how to.
Please note, I am using some of these Haikus to describe what it was like before I began depression treatment.
Light has gone away
Darkness fills me every day
Nothing more to say
Today is the day
I put my plan into play
Do not want to stay
I wake up in tears
Filled with a new set of fears
Angry and still here
New place new ideas
New found hope and fewer fears
Life better I’m here to stay
I try really hard to not to recount every little thing that goes on between me, and Joe Bob, however, this morning he said something so ridiculous that I am still shaking my head over it. My mind is amazed that 1. he would actually believe what he said to me and 2. that he would bring it up so soon after my father’s death.
During a phone call this morning, Joe Bob said he was going to go ahead and proceed with the divorce, and let me know when the paperwork was finished. He said he was doing it because I “had moved on”. My response was “Moved on how?”
He said that I had been “seen” – last week – at the place where I go for depression treatment with “some guy”. I was at the treatment center twice last week. Once on Wednesday morning, and then again Thursday morning. I asked him who told him this, and what day did this happen on? He said the person was his oldest niece, and she saw me HOLDING HANDS with a guy Wednesday morning.
His oldest niece happens to be on juvenile probation, and those probation offices are right next door to my treatment center. So I can believe that she was there, I can even believe she might have seen me, but this whole thing about ME holding hands with “some guy” is beyond stupid, and ridiculous.
Tuesday night, Minnie – my little dog – and I spent the night with my friend from group. A female friend…Wednesday morning I packed Minnie in a bag, and took her to group with me and my friend. No guy involved. Even in my group there is no guy – it is an all women’s group.
So between riding to the treatment center with my friend, and me being very noticeable because of having my dog with me, there is a huge number of people who could/would be able to truthfully say I was not there with “some guy”
When I went to the treatment center Thursday, my mother took me, and was waiting in the parking lot when I got finished. Again, there are loads of people who could/would say there was no “some guy” with me.
Oops! Someone got busted in a lie. Either Joe Bob is lying, and his oldest niece said nothing of the sort, or his niece lied to him. SHAME ON whoever did the lying, and SHAME ON Joe Bob for bringing it up. This teaches me to NOT answer the phone when he calls.
This is the third day of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:
Yahoo Answers Post–Pretend you are writing a question about your condition–it can be as silly/humorous as you want.Now answer it. (Remember: Your answer can be just as silly)
Believe it or not, I have never even looked at Yahoo Answers before. So in order to get an idea of what types of questions are asked I browsed through the mental health section. While I was there, I encountered a question that I wanted to answer, and decided to use it for today’s challenge rather than making one up.
How did u feel after your failed suicide attempt(s)?
When I first woke up in the intensive care unit – after my suicide attempt – I was confused. I could not figure out where I was. My confusion increased when I realized my hands, and feet were tethered to the bed. I remember a nurse coming in and untethering me.
I must have gone back to sleep, because the next thing I remember is someone coming in and telling me I had to go have a scan of my head – they said something to the effect of “to find out” if there was something wrong with my brain. I remember thinking that I had to pee. After that, I went back to sleep.
When I woke up again, I was a little more aware of my surroundings. I noticed there was someone in my room – it did not occur to me the person was a guard until hours later. Slowly, I became somewhat less confused, and recalled that I had tried to kill myself.
As I became more aware of where I was, my nurse, and the female guard in my room began to talk to me. That is when I learned that I had been in a coma, and when I came out of my coma I became violent. It explained why I had been tethered to the bed. To this day, there is almost a whole day that I have no memory of.
I do remember being extremely angry. However, I could not tell you who I was angry with. Maybe I was angry with the world, and everyone and everything in it. I also remember how embarrassed I felt when I heard the stories about my behavior – when I was coming out of the coma. I was also embarrassed about people knowing that I had tried to kill myself. One of the saddest things I remember is still feeling like I wanted to die.
After almost two years of depression treatment, I no longer feel all those negative emotions. I am not proud of the fact that I tried to kill myself, but I do recognize it was the event that started me on the road to becoming more mentally healthy.
Today’s writing prompt for Day 2 of the WEGO Health – Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge is called Word of the Day Post.
The instructions are to go to dictionary.com and write a post inspired by their WOTD – or grab a dictionary (or any book) from your bookshelf, open to a page, and write about that word. Can you link the word to your condition somehow?
The word I got when I went to dictionary.com is:
There is no getting around the fact that depression is a disease of extreme gravitas. People can die from it. However, as much as I believe I need to keep this in mind, I think it is vital I continually strive to find humor in the world around me, as well as in my disease.
Even before my depression diagnosis, my viewpoint on everything was a rather negative one. I took life too seriously, death too seriously, and had an extreme amount of difficulty finding anything that made me laugh. Depression made my outlook on life even more dark. I was easily frustrated by the side affects of my depression medications, and fall-out from my suicide attempt. I had nothing to counter the many negative thoughts running around in my head.
When I began depression treatment, my counselor had me look for three positives in every situation. It quickly dawned on me, that positive could also mean something that amused me and/or made me laugh. It also occurred to me that if I could learn how to laugh at myself I might not be so frustrated all the time. So I did.
Humor has helped buffer the many challenges I have faced during depression treatment. It has allowed me to laugh at my habit of constantly dozing off – caused by my medications – and typing – sometimes deleting – while I am asleep. I have learned to find humor in my bad memory. Just the other day I got a laugh out of a depression research commercial that happened to be playing on the car radio immediately following my depression support group.
Yes, depression is a disease of extreme gravitas, and should be treated aggressively, but I think we all should keep in mind that if we can use – or develop – our sense of humor during our treatment process we stand a much better chance of being able to successfully manage it.
FYI It has taken me a while to write this entry, because I kept dozing off, waking up, and having to delete a lot of random letters and numbers off of the computer screen.
I am now on my third set of Positive Words – going in alphabetical order. I get just as much out of them now as I did when I began this series.
Before I began depression treatment the words I used out loud, and in my mind, were peppered with negativity. At the time, I did not realize the power that words could have on a person’s mood, attitude, and outlook on life. Depression treatment has taught me to be mindful of the words I use. Creating this list of positive words for each letter of the alphabet has been a terrific way for me to build up a positive word bank. My life is very different now. I see a future laid out before me that will be filled with much joy. I know there will be sorrows, however, I think the joy will outweigh those.
Feel free to use anything you see on this list on your own blog – or even create your own list of positive words.
Pick-me-up – This word makes me feel positively happy because of the two young ladies who have been wandering around my blog. Their begging me to adopt them really was a wonderful pick-me-up. They made me giggle, and smile more than I have for several days.
Dear Son,
I love you very much, but I really do not like you right now. Your recent behavior – with regards to your grandfather’s death – has really opened my eyes to how self-centered, and self-absorbed you are.
The fact that it took me 7 to 8 hours of trying to contact you the morning mom, and I discovered that he had passed away makes me angry. I left messages on your phone, your wife’s phone, your in-laws phones, and even went so far as to contact some of your Facebook friends in my efforts to let you know about your grandfather.
I am astounded that you could take the time to post a little something on Facebook about your grandfather’s death, but you have not even bothered to call and/or text your grandmother to see how she is. Your grandfather treated you more like a son than a grandson while you were growing up and I think the lack of care, concern, and compassion you have shown his wife – your grandmother; who has also treated you wonderfully your whole life – is disgusting, and disrespectful.
In the past, I allowed your bad behavior to negatively impact my mental health. I worked hard to stay connected to you – despite how much your behavior caused me pain. I was often rebuffed, disrespected, and treated poorly as a result of those efforts. I will no longer allow that to happen. As painful as it is, I am letting our relationship go.
I believe I deserve to have the right to protect myself from things/people/relationships that are detrimental to my mental health. Right now, a relationship with you is detrimental. It does not mean I do not love you, or love you any less. It just means that I love myself enough that I am willing to say good-bye to you for now, and will hope and pray that there will come a day when we can be in each other’s lives again.
Love,
Mom
Once again, I have been told I am N O R M A L – normal. It seems it is perfectly normal to be this upset under the same – or similar – circumstances I find myself in. My gears were not slipping, I am not experiencing depression symptoms, and I am not in danger of having a breakdown…at this time. I am simply grieving.
Okay yes, I know there are several of you who have said the exact same thing to me already. I apologize for not believing you, but as you may have noticed, I am rather hard headed and sometimes I need an “expert” to convince me of something.
The psychiatrist did increase my dose of anxiety medication – doubling it. Usually, I only take buspar – anxiety medication – as needed, even though I can take 10 milligrams up to 3 times a day. I have been using it more since dad died, but still not taking it 3 times a day. The psychiatrist now wants me to take 20 milligrams 3 times a day – every day not just as needed – for the next few weeks. She also wants me to come back at the end of April, and not wait until an already scheduled appointment in May.
Basically, after she told me I was normal, she did say we did need to watch things a little more closely than usual – because of the higher chance of developing a depressive episode. She said if I am still feeling such extreme emotions in a few weeks then we might be look8ing at a depressive episode – triggered by dad’s death. However, she really seemed to think that I would be feeling some better by then.
What a relief!
Today’s writing prompt for the WEGO Health – Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge is to write an acrostic using either your illness, or the word HEALTH,
I am going to create one using the word Depression. It will be a description of what my depression felt like before I began depression treatment.
Please note, this is meant to describe how severe depression felt to me, it is not a description of how I am feeling now.
D – Dark, dangerous, and deadly
E – Existence is painful
P – Purpose unknown
R – Rage reigns
E – Endpoint reached
S – Sorrow fills me up
S – Soul Weary
I – Interest in life gone
O – Overwhelmed by fear
N – No hope, no way out, no longer want to be here