Monthly Archives: December 2010

Day 7 – Blog Journal

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I wanted to take the time to thank Margaret at The World As I See It for giving me the idea to participate in the 30 Day Blog Journal.

Today’s Journal topic was to post a song that represents your current mood. I am feeling rather reflective today, and it just so happens that a song I heard at a Christmas concert last night really represents that. It is called A Baby Changes Everything.

This song represents several things to me. It’s original meaning, about the birth of Christ, and how a person’s life is changed once they accept Christ as their Savior. For me, it also has a more personal meaning. It makes me think about my daughter-in-law, my son, and their coming baby. That baby is not only going to drastically change their lives, it will change our whole family’s lives.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did.

Thankful Five

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After having spent most of my life as a person who mostly saw the negatives of life, I discovered that looking at the positive side of things not only makes me feel good, it is also good for my mental health. Every Monday, I try – I am not always successful – to write down five things I am thankful for. I believe that it is important for me to do this even when things are going really well. It gives me something to look back on and use when my days become more difficult. Writing down things that I am grateful for when life is hard, helps me keep my focus on the positives of life. It also makes me less anxious and depressed.

Here are the things I am thankful for right now.

  1. I am thankful for a warm, and safe place to sleep at night.
  2. I am thankful for my little dog – Minnie. She seems to know when I am feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and chooses those times to make me play with her.
  3. I am thankful for all the supportive people in my life – in real and on the internet.
  4. I am thankful for my counselor. She has been a huge encourager and teacher.
  5. I am thankful for Christmas lights. I have had so much fun hanging up Christmas lights this year.

Day 7 – Blog Journal

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A few weeks ago, I bought myself a very pretty cloak/coat. I love it! It is just the right weight for me. It does not over heat me like many winter coats do, and it is very easy to drive while wearing it. It is a burnt orange color with a cute little hood. Today, my mother and I found more of those coat/cloaks, and she bought me one. It is red with black velvet accents around the sleeves, collar, neck, and hem area. I took some pictures of them so I could show you what they look like.

I Wanted To Believe

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Have you ever wanted something to be true so much, that despite the evidence in front of you, you pretend that it is? Have you ever been so ashamed about the position that you have put yourself in, that you put on a false front, so that no one knows what is really going on? Have you ever been afraid to tell anyone how bad something is, because the consequences of telling could possibly be worse than the circumstances you are currently in?

I wanted to believe that I had a good marriage. I wanted to believe that my husband would/could change. I wanted to believe that my husband was supportive, caring, and respected me. I wanted to believe all of those things so much, that what I showed the world reflected those things rather than reality. The verbal abuse I recently mentioned, is not a new thing in my marriage. It has probably been going on since the very beginning. Same with the controlling behavior. There was even a time a few years ago when we almost divorced over it. Instead we went to marriage counselling. Things seemed to get sort of better, for a while.

The were times when I fought back with my own vicious words. There were times when I told him to leave. There were  times when I cried my heart out. In the end, the same thing always happened. I would let things go, and he would be nicer for a little while. I realize now, that by making it so that he had no real consequences for his actions, I was giving him permission to keep treating me that way. To be honest, it was easier that way.

Over the last year and a half, I have been working to get emotionally and mentally healthy. Almost from the beginning, my efforts to get healthier seemed to cause friction. I would set a boundary – ask my husband to not talk to me a certain way for example – and he would get irritated with me. He seemed to get angrier and more resentful the more I fought for my own mental health. Our time together became filled with angry silences, and angry words. I changed how I responded to verbal attacks, nagging, and controlling behavior. I worked hard to not react the way I used to. I tried to stay calm. I tried to be rational, and show him where his anger was leading him. He seemed to be okay with himself. He had no problem being filled with so much anger. He justified how he spoke to me, and treated me. It felt like while I was changing, he was becoming more and more stuck. I learned that he and my daughter talked about me when I was not around. He told her she did not have to listen to me, she had choices when I asked her to do something. She learned to say mean and degrading things to me. It felt like I was battling both of them.

I wanted so much to believe that I could have the marriage I wanted, that I never told anyone how bad it had gotten. Until that awful night a few weeks ago, when the things that he was saying to me finally caused me to reach my end point, and I reached out to my mother for help. I should have been more honest with myself. I should have been more honest with my family. I should have been more honest with you. I was just not ready to admit to anyone – even myself – that things were so very wrong.

Tex's Terror

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Finding my sense of humor has been a key component to my depression treatment. It has allowed me to enjoy my life more and also has made it easier for me to maintain a positive attitude in the face of difficult circumstances. A significant portion of my amusement comes from laughing at myself, and even laughing at my mental health issues.

Here is a little video I made that makes me chuckle every time I see it. Enjoy!

Day 6 – Blog Journal Entry

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Today I thought I would share a picture of something that I found incredibly funny. The first time I saw this item was when I was with my daughter – in – law at a large baby supply store. When we spied this on one of the shelves, we must have laughed for at least five to ten minutes.

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

I believe this product is supposed to go on a baby’s bottom in order to prevent Monkey Butt – Diaper Rash.

Motoring Musings

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When I was doing all that driving the other day, I did a whole bunch of talking to myself. So much so, that I have another video blog that I was able to pull from all of my ramblings. I really enjoyed video blogging so much on that day, that I have decided that I am going to do much more of it. What I liked the most about it, is that I was totally relaxed while I was talking. In the past when I tried to video blog, I was very nervous and wanted everything to be perfect. Just like I am going to be more relaxed in my writing, I am going to be more relaxed when I video blog. It is so much fun that way.

Writing Has Been Hard

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I have had a very difficult time writing lately. My life has been so chaotic lately that it has affected my thoughts. I have had a difficult time getting them organized enough to put anything down on paper. I just cannot seem to focus the way I need – want – to. I need to get back into the habit of setting the time aside to write, and focusing on it until I have completed what I am working on.

One possible solution I have thought of is for me to not be so picky about my form and grammar for a bit. Maybe my desire for everything I publish to be “perfect” is interfering with things right now. I must remember that mistakes are okay, and that it is more important for me to write than to have all my sentences contain proper punctuation.

I also believe that my life is going to be a great deal less chaotic now that I am staying with mom and dad. None of that emotional drama and trauma that has been going on in my life for so long exists here. Life is more peaceful. Before I came here, it felt like I had to constantly battle to be able to take the time to write, or be on the internet. I have to admit that there were some days when I gave up, because it was so much easier than having to fight that same battle again. I was getting worn down. I also felt a bit lost, and disconnected from the internet Mental Health Community that I had come to depend on so much. As awful – in some ways – the last few weeks have been, the events that have taken place have propelled me into action that I had putting off.

I am looking forward to getting back to writing and blog posting. I am also looking forward to catching up on all the blog reading I have been missing.

Thoughts While Driving

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I spent a lot of time alone – driving – yesterday. Even though there were times when I encountered a great deal of traffic, I found all that time by myself – in the car – very relaxing. With no one to distract me, I was able to spend a great deal of time thinking about various random – and not so random – things. Sometime during the day, I pulled out my flip camera, and used it to record all the thoughts I had. I ended up spending most of the drive home talking to myself – out loud. I am sure I must have looked rather odd to the other drivers on the road.

To give ya’ll a glimpse of what it is like in my head, I decided to share parts of what I recorded. Enjoy!