Monthly Archives: October 2010

Freaky Friday Follow

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I used to do Meme’s every day. I got out of the habit of doing them because I just could not keep up with them and my blog posts. However, my friend Margaret – along with a friend of hers – started this one. I wanted to support her, so I decided to give this one a try.

Here are the rules:

  • Follow both hosts-Leave comments so we can return the follow
  • Answer the questions
  • Grab the button
  • Come back and link up
    • How long have you been blogging? – A little over a year now.
    What are your blogging goals for this year? – To brand my blog better, still have no ads on it, and to work hard on getting its reading audience to grow.
    How do you balance blogging and your everyday life? – I am not sure if I do balance my blogging and my every day life.  My blogging is very important to me, as a result I spend loads of time on it.
    Why do you blog? – In the beginning I blogged because I needed a place to express my out of control emotions.  Now I blog as a way to keep a journal and also to help be an activist in the Mental Health Community.
    One thing people don’t know about you – I am not sure…I am so open about everything I have no idea if there is one thing my readers do not know about me.  I am going to say, Pajamas are my favorite type of clothing.
    What is the craziest thing you have ever blogged about? – I think the time I blogged about my husband and his Justin Bieber dance moves has to be the craziest.

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    Maybe, Possibly, Might Be…

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    The appointment with my psychiatrist this week was interesting and eye opening at the same time. She has not officially changed my diagnosis from Major Depression to Bi-polar disorder. However, I think she brought it up because she is seriously considering it. She seems like a good doctor, so I believe she would not have said it out loud to me if there had not been a significantly good chance of her doing it. I wonder if her purpose for bringing it up was to get me used to the idea of having a diffiernt diagnosis.

    The doctor used the word decompansating in reference to me.  As in, she thinks I am decompansating rather quickly.  In other words she thinks I am rapidly heading toward a Major Depressive Episode due to having no anti-depressant in my system.  I also tend to worry psychiatrists.  You see, even when I have no suicidal thoughts, I have a suicide plan. Proper etiquette will not allow me to divulge my suicide plan here, so there is no chance that someone reading this will get inspired by it and use it for themselves.  What I can say is that it involves the many medications – including insulin – that I have at my disposal.  Since the core of my plan is in my face everyday, the plan is always there.   The best I can answer when I am asked if I have a plan, is to say I have no plans to act on my plan.

    We had a decent discussion about possible medications.  My previous psychiatrist had made a list of some that he felt might work on me, as we were trying to figure out what really did work.  Many of those included the type of medications used to treat bi-polar disorder.  I did not think it was all that significant because I know that in many cases, Major Depression is treated with those same types of drugs, especially when the patient is at a high risk for suicide. It is frustrating to try and find a mental health medication that I can take.  Most affect a person’s blood sugar, so in a diabetic that presents a significant problem.  They also happen to affect the same chemicals in the brain that cause Restless Leg Syndrome – making it worse.  She has decided to try me on Celexa because she has had many patients similar to me do very well on it. However, because of the possible change in diagnosis, she has some concerns that it might flip me into, at the very least, a state of hypmania.

    A possible bi-polar diagnosis scares me.  It really does.  It scares me because I know society is less accepting of someone with a bi-polar.  It scares me to think that as easy I have had it over all these months, people find depression more acceptable – it could change because my diagnosis has changed.  It scares me because I know my depression, I am familiar with it and I do not know Bi-polar. I am happy with my depression.  It has become like an old friend.

    However, I do know a great many people – on the internet – who either have bi-polar or have a family member who does.  If my diagnosis changes I know I can count on them to lead me through the process of getting to know it as well.

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Melissa Mashburn

    The Psychiatrist And Me

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    Yesterday was my first appointment with the psychiatrist since I have had to stop taking Effexor.  She seemed very pleased that my blood sugar and blood pressure are coming down.  I told her in a lot of ways I was feeling better because of that, however, this week has been difficult emotionally.  Not because anything has happened, it is because I have emotionally been all over the place.

    I told her about the strange “high” I had on Monday and Tuesday.  It was like my mouth could not get all the things in my brain out fast enough.  My thoughts were racing in every direction and I could not concentrate on anything.  When we examined it closer, she thinks the few days prior to that may have been “highs” as well.  I was so productive, abnormaly so.  We also discussed my extremely down mood of the past couple of days, as well as my extreme irritability and agitation.

    She told me that she was going to be watching me carefully, because she is considering changing my diagnosis. She said that she thinks so much attention has been paid to my depression symptoms that there is a possibility other symptoms may have been missed.  Symptoms that might mean I have Bi-Polar Disorder (most likely type II) rather than Major Depression.  Which means the already complicated journey of finding a new medication for me has become rather more complicated.

    Finding a right medication mix for me is difficult because of my diabetes and restless leg syndrome.  Most anti-depressants adversely affect both disorders. Now she is also concerned that giving me an anti-depressant alone could cause me to become hypomanic (or even manic).  She is having me stop taking my Welbutrin now, and has given me a prescription for Celexa.  The Welbutrin was only to counteract some of the sexual side effects from the Effexor, so I have no concerns about stopping it. I have to go back to see her next week, and to call if I think I need to come in sooner.

    Her desire to have me start a new medication immediately as well as scheduling an appointment for next week created a whole new bit of drama for me.  Because I see this psychiatrist via Tele Med, there has to be a nurse in the office to take care of the prescription part of the appointment.  Once again, the nurse was out sick.  I do not hold it against the nurse for not being there, she is sick and cannot help it.  My problem lies in the fact that there is a whole new staff in the office and it appears they are doing the bare minimum of what they are required to do and that includes not making sure there is someone in the office to take care of prescriptions.  When I let the doctor know that there was no nurse that day – none of the staff had bothered to tell her yet – she was very frustrated.  She absolutely did not want me waiting until sometime next week to start the new medicine (I will explain why in another post).  I suggested that maybe someone from her office could call the prescription in to my pharmacy.  That is the plan we went with.

    When I tell the new receptionist that the doctor wanted me back next week, a mini up roar ensues.  First of all it seems out of all the patients in the office at this time, I am in the only one that the doctor wants to see so frequently.  Also since I go to a government funded treatment center, it seems that I am only allowed so many Units (appointments) with the doctor per any six month period.  Apparently, I am eating up my units because the doctor needs to see me so much.  I am sure that this whole unit business has been in place from before the time I started going there, it was just that the old staff had the good grace to not worry me with that information and did what needed to be done so I could have all the access to mental health care that my counselor and doctor at the time felt I needed.  Between me, the doctor, and the counselor, we managed to convince the staff to bend a little.

    My counselor saw that I was upset and knew it was from more that what had happened in the office, so she set aside some time to see my right then.  I will let you know how that went in another post.

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Melissa Mashburn

    YOU Can Make A Difference

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    I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.  ~Edward Everett Hale

    Did you know that you can make a difference to someone with a mental illness?  Did you know that you can do this without having the best education, the most money, or even the most confidence?

    Stop!

    I know what you were getting ready to do.  You were about to pull out one of your handy excuses as to why you cannot help someone, especially someone with a mental illness.

    Now, if you truly believe that you have nothing of benefit to offer to someone with a mental health issue – and I mean absolutely nothing – then you should stop reading this blog post.  I mean it. If you do not stop now you might find out that you actually have the power to make a difference in someone else’s life.  Once you know that you can make a difference, you are going to have a bunch of wasted excuses laying around.  That would be bad, after all, an excuse is a terrible thing to waste.

    We Are Valuable!

    I believe that everyone of us has something valuable to offer those around us.  The problem is that so many of us fail to recognize that.  I think we often overlook our value because we lack self confidence and/or self worth.  When we look at ourselves we see our weaknesses, not our strengths. We focus more on what we cannot do, and pay no attention to the things we can do. I know – in the past –  I have had a habit of looking at all the wonderful, big things other people can do.  I would think to myself that there was no way I could do anything that compared to what they did, or even come as close to making the same impact on someone’s life that they did. So I did nothing. We often just do nothing.

    We are wrong when we do that.  We are wrong when we feel so overwhelmed by our perceived lack of value that it propels us to take no action. We are wrong when we do nothing. We are wrong, because even the littlest action we take has the potential to effect great change in someone’s life.

    I believe that those of us who have a Mental Illness have been given unique gifts. I believe this is true no matter what mental health issue we have and no matter how far along we are in our treatment process.  Our experiences with suicide attempts, medications, therapy, and even our own emotional battle wounds are just some of those valuable gifts. These gifts give us the opportunity to empathize with people who are in a similar set of circumstances to what we have experienced. They give us a special insight as to what might be going on in someone’s head when they are in a time of pain or crisis.

    Little Things Do Make a Difference

    Do you know how to say “Hi” to someone?  How about “You look nice today”? Or even “Nice to see/talk to you today”? Sometimes that is all that needs to be done to create a remarkable change in someone’s mind set. Other times sharing a bit of your story and what you did to combat that particular challenge makes a difference.  For me – on the day that I wrote this -, a difficult emotional day, what I needed was for someone to take the initiative and hold a figurative mirror up to my face and remind me of my own words. Someone did.

    What I want to say, what I need to say, is that I know we all will encounter someone whose pain seems more than they can bear.  I know that we will question whether anything we could do would actually make a difference.  I want you to remember, that it does.  If all you know to do at the time is to simply say “Hi”, do it.  If all you know how to do that the time is tell a joke, do it.  If all you know at the time is to repeat to them some encouraging words you have heard/seen them use, do it. Often the best source of encouragement for a hurting person is to just know that there is someone out there listening.

    Let me say it again….Little Things Do Make A Difference!

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Melissa Mashburnrove © 2010 Melissa Mashburn

    Mental Health Blogger Of The Week

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    Starting Monday, October 11th, Sugar Filled Emotions will begin highlighting one Mental Health Blogger each week.  When I began thinking about adding this feature I knew I wanted to do something a little different than having a different Guest Blogger once a week.  The following is an outline of what you will be seeing from the Mental Health Blogger of the Week.

    • Monday – The blogger of the week has two options, 1. answer a few interview questions, with a link back to their blog  or 2. to write a guest post for me to post on my blog, with a link back to their blog.
    • Tuesday – The blogger of the week provides me with a list of their favorite mental health sources – they will be used for Tuesday’s post – again with a link back to their blog.
    • Wednesday – Blogger of the week provides me a list of their favorite sources of inspiration, could be blogs, could be websites, newspapers, books, bible, they choose – they will be used for Wednesday’s post –  as always with a link back to their site.
    • Thursday – The blogger of the week provides me with a link to their personal favorite blog post.  Something they either did in the recent past or long ago. This will be used for Thursday’s post and there will be a link back to their blog.
    • Friday – strictly optional –  Does the blogger of the week have an easy meal that they like to prepare when they are having a bad mental health day, or just a bad day in general?  Or something so easy to prepare that even their husband and/or children could manage it?  Again this is optional, and there will be a link back to their site.

    If you are interested in obtaining more information about Mental Health Blogger of the Week, or if you are interested in being highlighted as a Mental Health Blogger of the Week please contact me using this Contact Form.

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Melissa Mashburn

    The Joys Of Withdrawal

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    Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.  ~John Barrymore

    Whine. Whine. Tears. Scared. More Whine – with a little bit of cheese. I cannot do this.  I do not want to do this.

    Those are just a few of the words that could be used to describe how I felt when I found out that I was going to have to stop taking Effexor.  The way I felt the first few days of the withdrawal process reinforced those feelings.  At one point, I was so miserable that all I wanted was to check into a hospital so I could be miserable all by myself. Maybe I physically felt as bad as I did because of my state of mind, maybe not.

    What I do know is that so far some of the physical problems that the Effexor was causing seem to be be getting better.  My blood sugar is coming down, and so is my blood pressure.  As those have come down, I have felt so much better.

    Most experts agree that exercise is good for depression, and is extremely beneficial for people with Type II Diabetes.  I have felt such guilt and self condemnation at the fact that I almost never exercised.  People who did not know what I felt like on a daily basis may have thought that I was lazy, and unmotivated.  Or they may have thought that I did not care about my physical and mental well being. The reality is that everyday of raging high blood sugar was like a day “walking through jello”.  I was so darn tired ALL OF THE TIME. The extreme high blood pressure also made me feel rotten.  Quite simply, I did not have the energy or strength to do much of anything.

    The change in how I feel is so remarkable.  The amount of  change that has taken place in such a short time is a miracle.  Stopping the Effexor was the best possible choice for me.  I am not saying that I do not need to go back on an anti-depressant, because I most definitely do.  What I am saying is that I can see now that although Effexor helped my brain, it was so bad for me physically.

    One of the most joyous things that has happened since I have begun to physically feet better has been the fact that I have walked miles in just a matter of a few days. Those walks were so wonderful because it was something my daughter and I could do together.  Sometimes when we walked, we talked about silly things, other times we engaged in serious discussions, and there were times when neither one of us said a word. No matter what type of conversation we engaged in or did not engage in, it has been a real bonding experience for us.

    Laughter Makes Me Feel Good!

    It is hard to joke around and laugh when you feel yucky.  However, in the last few days I have felt more like joking around with Anna than I have in a long while. I even had a great opportunity to embarrass her in public yesterday. I did not realize how much I had been missing a good long and loud belly laugh shared with my daughter.  I cannot explain to you how wonderful it has been to be able to tease her and have her tease me for the first time in a long while.

    Giving Back

    I have been using a local free clinic for my medical needs for over a year now.  I have probably received better health care there than I have at most of the doctors I have ever had to pay to see.  I have been wanting a way to repay them for all the kindness they have shown me.  I have tried to volunteer there, but every time I am set up to do that, I end up getting sick with something – usually an asthma flare up.  The last few months I have simply not been physically able to even consider volunteering there. However, my withdrawal from Effexor afforded me an opportunity to give something back.

    One thing the volunteers at the clinic have been able to help me with is obtaining free medications from the drug manufacturers.  One of those they helped me get was a year’s worth of Effexor, sent to me – via the clinic – three months at a time.  Today I had to go pick up some of my medications from them.  One of those items was my three month supply of Effexor.  Obviously, I can no longer make use of it, and I did not want that medication to go to waste.  So today, when I was at the clinic’s pharmacy I asked them if there was any possible way I could donate the unopened supply of Effexor to the clinic.  To my surprise and delight, they said yes.

    The pharmacist explained to me that Effexor was one of those medications that they could not keep on hand as much as they would like to because of its expense.  I should be receiving at least two more refills of it from the drug manufacturer and we went ahead and made plans for the pharmacy to take those as well. She also said that my little donation would help many patients. It really did make me feel good to be able to give back to the place that has helped me so much.

    All this joy from something I did not want to happen.  I love it when things work out that way.


    Mental Health Blogger Of The Week

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    Starting Monday, October 11th, Sugar Filled Emotions will begin highlighting one Mental Health Blogger each week.  When I began thinking about adding this feature I knew I wanted to do something a little different than having a different Guest Blogger once a week.  The following is an outline of what you will be seeing from the Mental Health Blogger of the Week.

    • Monday – The blogger of the week has two options, 1. answer a few interview questions, with a link back to their blog  or 2. to write a guest post for me to post on my blog, with a link back to their blog.
    • Tuesday – The blogger of the week provides me with a list of their favorite mental health sources – they will be used for Tuesday’s post – again with a link back to their blog.
    • Wednesday – Blogger of the week provides me a list of their favorite sources of inspiration, could be blogs, could be websites, newspapers, books, bible, they choose – they will be used for Wednesday’s post –  as always with a link back to their site.
    • Thursday – The blogger of the week provides me with a link to their personal favorite blog post.  Something they either did in the recent past or long ago. This will be used for Thursday’s post and there will be a link back to their blog.
    • Friday – strictly optional –  Does the blogger of the week have an easy meal that they like to prepare when they are having a bad mental health day, or just a bad day in general?  Or something so easy to prepare that even their husband and/or children could manage it?  Again this is optional, and there will be a link back to their site.

    If you are interested in obtaining more information about Mental Health Blogger of the Week, or if you are interested in being highlighted as a Mental Health Blogger of the Week please contact me using this Contact Form.

    Thankful Five

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    I am back home again. While I am happy to be home, I really would have loved to be able to stay at my parent’s house a while longer.  It was not possible for me to do that because of a Psychiatrist appointment I have this week.  Next week is full of appointments as well, blood work – again -, group, counseling appointment, and also an appointment with my medical doctor.  My daughter-in-law will be arriving in Augusta in about four weeks, so I am going to try and schedule my appointments in such a way that I can be there when she arrives.  She will be driving all the way from California – with her grandmother.  Mom and I had a brief discussion about having them over for at least one meal.  None of us have met her before and we were thinking it might be a nice low key way to get to know her better.

    I realize that my Thankful Five is a day late this week.  However, we spent most of the day traveling yesterday and I was too wiped out when we got home to work on it.

    1. I am thankful that it seems as if the worst of the withdrawal symptoms seem to be gone.
    2. I am thankful that so far it looks as if going off of Effexor was the correct decision.  My blood pressure had been running around 183/128.  I took it before we left yesterday and while it is still high, it is significantly lower, 130/90.
    3. I am thankful that I felt good enough to walk several miles in the last few days.  For such a long time, my blood sugar and blood pressure were so high that I felt too awful to do any type of exercise.
    4. I am thankful for all the work my husband did while I was gone.  I came home to THREE new windows in the house, and also to a clean house.  He was incredibly thoughtful.
    5. I am thankful for being able to be thankful.  Everyday I am amazed that I am still alive, and I am constantly amazed at how much I have changed in a relatively short  amount of time.

    All Good Things Must Come To An End…

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    Today I am heading back home.  I am looking forward to seeing my husband, but I have to admit I have really enjoyed spending all this time at my parents house.  I believe hanging out here really helped me during this withdrawal process.

    It was nice to just go to bed when I wanted to, if I needed to, without feeling like I was not holding my responsibilities to my family.  I enjoyed walking in circles around the neighborhood with my daughter and dog.  I even enjoyed making a huge pot of chicken and dumplings today.

    I would like to stay here longer, but a couple of things have sort of gotten in the way of that.  I have a psychiatrist appointment Thursday and my parents will be heading to Myrtle Beach on the same day.  They are okay with me staying here while they are out of town, however, if I were to do that then I would miss my appointment.  Since it will be the first time I have seen the psychiatrist since she told me I was going to have to quit taking Effexor, I feel that it is very important that I show up.

    Mom and I are already checking our calenders to plan when I can come down here again.  When possible I am going to try to group most of my appointments around the same time, making it easier to plan return trips.

    One of my favorite things about spending time with my mom has been her support of my blogging efforts and my plans to take my blog and writing to another level.  Her acknowledgement of my efforts, dreams and hopes means a lot to me.

    What's New At Sugar Filled Emotions?

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    My sole purpose when I originally began blogging was to give myself an outlet for emotions that I had little to no control over.  As I have progressed in my depression and anxiety treatment, my reasons for blogging have evolved.  At this time, not only is it my platform for venting and sharing what is going on in my head, it has also become my personal soapbox – a tool of sorts – in my efforts to bring more awareness to mental health issues/mental illnesses and suicide prevention.

    Recently, I went through a period of reflection about Sugar Filled Emotions and what direction I would like to take in.  Several things came to mind. Among those ideas that popped into my head were ones that I believe would not only be beneficial to me personally, and to Sugar Filled Emotions, I feel strongly that they have the potential to benefit the Mental Health Community.  At this time I am very excited and pleased to announce several new features that are coming to Sugar Filled Emotions.

    Starting one week from today, Sugar Filled Emotions will begin highlighting one Mental Health Blogger each week.  When I began thinking about adding this feature I knew I wanted to do something a little different than having a different Guest Blogger once a week.  The following is an outline of what you will be seeing from the Mental Health Blogger of the Week.

    • Monday – The blogger of the week has two options, 1. answer a few interview questions, with a link back to their blog  or 2. to write a guest post for me to post on my blog, with a link back to their blog.
    • Tuesday – The blogger of the week provides me with a list of their favorite mental health sources – they will be used for Tuesday’s post – again with a link back to their blog.
    • Wednesday – Blogger of the week provides me a list of their favorite sources of inspiration, could be blogs, could be websites, newspapers, books, bible, they choose – they will be used for Wednesday’s post –  as always with a link back to their site.
    • Thursday – The blogger of the week provides me with a link to their personal favorite blog post.  Something they either did in the recent past or long ago. This will be used for Thursday’s post and there will be a link back to their blog.
    • Friday – strictly optional –  Does the blogger of the week have an easy meal that they like to prepare when they are having a bad mental health day, or just a bad day in general?  Or something so easy to prepare that even their husband and/or children could manage it?  Again this is optional, and there will be a link back to their site.

    If you are interested in obtaining more information about Mental Health Blogger of the Week, or if you are interested in being highlighted as a Mental Health Blogger of the Week please contact me using this Contact Form.

    The next thing you may notice new at Sugar Filled Emotions will be the photographs.  As a new blogger, I thought nothing about using images I found around the internet. I always did my best to make sure what I was using did not violate any copy right laws, and I believe I have been successful at that.  However, as I have matured as a blogger and have become more protective of my own content, I began to feel that what I was doing was wrong.  In an effort to remedy that, I have decided that for the most part – unless it is a specific mental health campaign – I will be using photographs taken by my personal photographer.  Her name is Anna Mashburn, and she just happens to be my 14 year old daughter.  Anna is very excited by her role as my personal photographer, and I am looking forward to seeing what creative photographs she takes.

    I am currently working on creating either a video chat that will be available to everyone, one day a week, or weekly call in radio broadcast.  I like both choices. Even people without a web cam or microphone will be able to participate in the video chat – there is a chat box for them to type in.  I need to do some more research about the call in radio show.  Once I do that I will make a decision on which option I choose.

    If you have any experience with either option, let me know.  I would love to hear what others have to say.

    If you look to the left of Sugar Filled Emotions you will see a tabbed side bar. One of the tabs says Call Me. You are more than welcome to use that option to call me – toll free – from anywhere in the United States and Canada.

    I am available if you just need a friendly voice to talk to, or a person willing to listen to you vent. The only cost to you will be my occasional unsolicited advice.

    Please feel free to leave a message if I do not pick up when you call.

    I am looking forward to hearing from YOU.