The appointment with my psychiatrist this week was interesting and eye opening at the same time. She has not officially changed my diagnosis from Major Depression to Bi-polar disorder. However, I think she brought it up because she is seriously considering it. She seems like a good doctor, so I believe she would not have said it out loud to me if there had not been a significantly good chance of her doing it. I wonder if her purpose for bringing it up was to get me used to the idea of having a diffiernt diagnosis.

The doctor used the word decompansating in reference to me.  As in, she thinks I am decompansating rather quickly.  In other words she thinks I am rapidly heading toward a Major Depressive Episode due to having no anti-depressant in my system.  I also tend to worry psychiatrists.  You see, even when I have no suicidal thoughts, I have a suicide plan. Proper etiquette will not allow me to divulge my suicide plan here, so there is no chance that someone reading this will get inspired by it and use it for themselves.  What I can say is that it involves the many medications – including insulin – that I have at my disposal.  Since the core of my plan is in my face everyday, the plan is always there.   The best I can answer when I am asked if I have a plan, is to say I have no plans to act on my plan.

We had a decent discussion about possible medications.  My previous psychiatrist had made a list of some that he felt might work on me, as we were trying to figure out what really did work.  Many of those included the type of medications used to treat bi-polar disorder.  I did not think it was all that significant because I know that in many cases, Major Depression is treated with those same types of drugs, especially when the patient is at a high risk for suicide. It is frustrating to try and find a mental health medication that I can take.  Most affect a person’s blood sugar, so in a diabetic that presents a significant problem.  They also happen to affect the same chemicals in the brain that cause Restless Leg Syndrome – making it worse.  She has decided to try me on Celexa because she has had many patients similar to me do very well on it. However, because of the possible change in diagnosis, she has some concerns that it might flip me into, at the very least, a state of hypmania.

A possible bi-polar diagnosis scares me.  It really does.  It scares me because I know society is less accepting of someone with a bi-polar.  It scares me to think that as easy I have had it over all these months, people find depression more acceptable – it could change because my diagnosis has changed.  It scares me because I know my depression, I am familiar with it and I do not know Bi-polar. I am happy with my depression.  It has become like an old friend.

However, I do know a great many people – on the internet – who either have bi-polar or have a family member who does.  If my diagnosis changes I know I can count on them to lead me through the process of getting to know it as well.

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