I am on way more medication than the average person, in addition I believe my chosen suicide attempt method messed up my brain to some extent.  As a result of those things, my balance can be pretty bad at times.  This morning was a reminder to me about just how bad my balance is.

We are still in Augusta, at my parents house.  Farrol (my husband) and I were heading out to pick up biscuits for everyone.  A couple of houses down from my parents a new family is moving in.  The father was trying to get a UHaul truck up his driveway but he was having some difficulty. Farrol walked down there to give the family a hand with getting the truck up to the top of the driveway.  Initially, I stayed at the car, then I changed my mind.  I stepped off the curb to walk down the road and I am not sure quite what happened.

The next thing I am aware of is my face being firmly planted on the road, my glasses flying off of my face and both my hands and one knee being in pain. When my husband saw me laying on the road, he got scared ran to where I was and helped me up.  My nose is scraped up, under my nose is cut and it is hard to tell from my pictures, but my chin is scrapped up too.  My face hurts.  There is some swelling, fortunately not too much.

All in all, considering I did not even get my hands out to stop myself and my face hit the pavement, the damage is minor.  The only troublesome thing is that I really do not remember the fall itself.  I just remember standing up right and then my nose is on the pavement and out of the corner of my eye I can see my glasses flying.

Now that it has been a couple of hours since I fell, my body is definitely getting sore.  Sore back, sore neck, sore arms….ugh!

I found a great post written by Gina Newberry of It’s How She Rolls.  In it she describes how she took an inventory of her marriage and was surprised to find that the things she and her husband are doing right far outweigh the things they are doing wrong.  After sharing ten things they are doing right, Gina was bold and honest enough to share one thing they are doing wrong.  I thought it was such a great and insightful post that I decided to do my own Marriage Inventory.

1. We are committed to each other. There have been times when either one of us would have been justified if we had walked away from the marriage.  We have had some pretty rocky times.  However, our commitment to each other was stronger than our desire to end things because we were behaving badly.
2. We are affectionate with one another. We hold hands, hug each other, and kiss to show our affection to each other.  I have to admit my husband is better at this than I am.  However, I really try and make an effort to show him the affection he deserves.
3. We say, “I love you”, to each other multiple times a day. Every morning before my husband leaves for work we say, “I love you”.  We also do that at the end of every phone call, when one of us gets home after having been some where, and sometimes we say it just because we want to.
4. We laugh together. My husband and I love to sit and laugh with each other.  Whether it is a story we are telling the other one that makes us laugh, or something we found on the internet together, even at something our daughter may have said, we enjoy the bonding that laughing together brings us.
5. We encourage each other. We want what is best for one another.  I want my husband to be happy and he wants me to be happy.  We encourage each other when it comes to our dreams and goals in life.
6. We spend time with each other. For many reasons, it is very difficult for us to have a date night, however, we do try and set aside some time every evening to spend with each other.  Most of the time, it is really just something simple like sitting next to each other on the couch and watching TV, but we are still spending it together.  Sometimes my husband will ask me to read him something from my blog, other times we just sit there and hold hands.
7. We talk to each other. This is a big thing for us, mostly because of me.  I would have no problem going for days without saying a word out loud.  However, that is not good for a marriage or any relationship for that matter.  We are taking more time to talk to each other about the little things.
8. We have respect for each other. We try and treat each other with respect at all times. From how we talk with each other, to doing things for the other person, we try and make sure the other person feels respected.
9. We work well together. Together we work like a team.  He helps me out in areas where I might lack confidence and I do the same for him.
10. We make big decisions together. So that the other person does not feel left out or that their opinion does not matter, we make all big decisions together.

My husband and I do love each other very much.  We try and do everything just right in our marriage, but we are human.  There is no way we can do it just right all the time.  There is more than just one thing that we are doing wrong in our marriage, however, I am only going to share one, the one that I think is most important for us to work on.

1. We do not listen to each other as well as we should. There are too many times where we have not taken the time that we should have and really listened to the other person.  This causes conflict between us.  We are working on this, and we are getting better at listening to each other.

I was catching up with my blog reading and I ran across a post at A Journey.  It was about owning our wellness and creating a state of mind of  wellness rather than one of illness.  At the end of the post, the author asks:

How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”?

I like this question.  I like the line of thinking it represents.  I like how it implies that we can take a proactive role in our wellness.

I have learned to own my mental wellness.  I have learned to make that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”.  It has been a long and difficult process and there are some days when I am not as successful with this state of mind as I would like to be, but that is okay.  At least I am trying.

How did I accomplish this?  The answer will sound easy.  I simply replaced my negative illness thinking and actions with positive wellness thinking and actions.

My core being was one of negativity and illness. Everything I looked at, experienced, thought about, and even talked about came from that place that was negative and ill.  Everything in my life was tainted by this illness to some extent.  Eventually, when that illness consumed my entire being I shut down and no longer wanted to live.  Even after I tried to make myself die, I wanted no part of being well.  For me to get to a point of being able to want to take any part in being well required medication, a psychiatric hospitalization, and months of counseling.

At some point in all this treatment for my illness, I began to see the world and myself differently.  I began replacing my negative thoughts and reactions with more positive ones.  It was a slow process for sure.  On some days, replacing those thoughts and reactions was simply impossible.  I had been thinking this way for most of my life, there was no way I was going to instantly be able to change it. However, the more I attempted it, the easier it became.

I also had to learn to be proactive in my actions towards being well.  For me, that means taking my medications, seeing my counselor and psychiatrist, and sticking to my treatment plan.

I own my mental wellness.  I do what I can to take care of myself.  I understand that some days will be better wellness days than others.  As long as I am doing the best that I can to own my own mental wellness, then I am doing a wonderful job.

How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from “illness” to one of living in “wellness”

What does letting go really mean? Is it just releasing a material thing you are holding onto? Or is it putting aside an old habit? Can letting go be the release of emotions such as hate, resentment and fear? How about sharing our worries, concerns, and fears with someone, is that letting go?  The answer is Yes.   Letting go can mean all of those things and more.

I believe holding onto something, (a material thing, negative emotion, worry, and etc.) too tightly allows it to become a stumbling block.  Using material things as an example, what would happen if we held onto everything that came into our house? Our house would get  junked up and more than likely we would have real objects that we would be tripping over, or running into. In other words stumbling blocks. However, if we were to carefully go through that same house, letting go of items that we did not need or did not provide us with healthy pleasure, we would be able to remove a great deal of our tangible stumbling blocks. At the end of this process we will have created a lot of extra room in our home, making it possible to reorganize the items that are left, and possibly making room for newer and better stuff.

Holding on to emotions like anger, resentment, hate, worry, fear and shame is very much like holding onto all those material possessions.  They become stumbling blocks, only instead of actually tripping over them, they get in the way of our personal growth.  Over time, the more of those emotions we hold onto, the more they pile up and the more difficult the clean up process (letting go) becomes.

There was a time when I let those emotions pile up in me.  After a while, it was if my resentment, anger, fear, worry, and shame became a wall of clutter that blocked my ability to grow and change.  I became stuck in my emotional junk.  To get unstuck, I had to summon up what little courage I had and share my feelings.  The best way for me to let go, was to share the truth about why I was so angry, worried, afraid, and ashamed.  I shared things on my blog, with my counselor, with my psychiatrist and as I became more emotionally healthy I began to share things with my family. The more I repeat this process of letting go, the smaller those piles of emotional clutter become.

In my opinion letting go of emotional stumbling blocks is a process that would benefit almost everyone.  I also believe sharing that emotional clutter with others is an important part of that letting go process.  You do not have to let go of your emotional junk in a public fashion like I do, choosing a trusted friend and/or family to share your stumbling blocks with is just as effective.  Even choosing several people to share with works well.

No matter how you do it, just let go.  Let it all go.