Most of you who are reading this are probably familiar with the children’s book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.  At one point I had the whole thing memorized from having read it to my daughter so many times.  When she was hungry she would even say she was a hungry caterpillar.  

That book came to mind today.  I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few years, and how much more change  I have to look forward to.  How I am in a transformation process, that I do not know how long it is going to last or what the final outcome outcome might be. 

Very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who spends most of his time as a caterpillar preparing for a transformation, and in the transformation process itself, I feel as if I spent most of my life preparing for a transformation, or in the process of transforming.  For the first time in my life, I actually feel as if I have grown up.  

There was a question in one of the memes I did today that asked if there was anything I could change about my past, what would I change.  There was a similar question in a meme I did last week.  From what I can tell, it appears that I lot of people have something in their past that they wish they could change.  Each time I got that question, I answered it in a similar fashion.  

Remember when The Very Hungry Caterpillar had the tummy ache because of eating too much of the wrong things?  He learned from that experience.  I think if The Very Hungry Caterpillar were asked if he could change anything about his past, he would probably answer “No”. He became a different and slightly better caterpillar because of the tummy ache.   There is not one thing I would change about my past.  Nothing.  It is not as if I have had the most pleasant life, far from it in fact.  Some things in my past have caused me pain for years, yet they still help shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future.   


Would I be as aware of domestic violence issues, if a former spouse had not broken my nose in a fit of rage?  I doubt I would be.  If  something is not in my frame of reference I tend to not think about it.  I know I would not be so aware of major depression, its symptoms, treatments, and long term outlook, if I was not living with it myself.  Same with my anxiety disorder, diabetes, and asthma.  I know without my childhood experiences, I would have no clue about what it is like to live in an extremely dysfunctional family.  Those experiences allow me to empathize with people in similar situations, and maybe even  be able to provide them with effective support. 



Now that I finally feel like I am a grownup, I can see a few truths about myself.  I have used some negative past experiences as excuses for my own negative behaviors.  When my major depression was really bad, before I started getting treatment, I used the diabetes and asthma as excuses for why I had no interest in going anywhere, instead of being honest with people.  To some extent, I have control over my depression.  About a year before I started getting treatment for it, I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.  I even knew what it was.  I chose not to tell anyone about it.  I chose to go ahead with my suicide plans instead of telling anyone that those thoughts were going through my head.  


I wonder if The Hungry Caterpillar was afraid when he started his transformation into The Beautiful Butterfly?  I know that there have been times when I have been afraid during my own transforming process.  I have been afraid because, especially lately, I am changing a great deal.  It has caused a shift in my family dynamics.  I am most definitely not the same person my husband married.  That person went with the flow of things, allowed other people to make decisions for her, and did not stand up for herself.  Now, I am all about setting boundaries, standing up for myself, and finding and using my own voice to make decisions and participate fully with things, instead of just going with the flow all the time.


My transformation has been difficult for my husband at times.  It has caused some friction in our marriage.  There have been times when I have thought we were not going to make it through this process together.  What gives me hope that we will make it, is that I see him earnestly trying to keep up with my transformation and working on himself as well.

In my head, I keep seeing myself as a beautiful butterfly.  Not on the outside, but on the inside.  I will have a beauty inside me that I have never experienced before.  I will no longer be filled with negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Instead, I see my butterfly self as someone who exudes peace, tranquility, and positivity.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        &
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