WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge prompt for April 10th was:
Post Secret. You know the beloved post secret community? Write down a secret that really isn’t a secret. Hint: A misconception about your condition, something people would think you’d be shy to disclose (but will!), or just something you want to shout from the rooftops!
I realize I am several days late in writing this, but it has been rather hard to figure out which secret I wanted to reveal.
It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. ~ Jessamyn West
Verbal jousting – otherwise known as ” I am right, you are wrong, and I am going to keep this ‘discussion’ going until you concede that I am right, or you give up” syndrome – is something that I used to engage in frequently. I enjoyed it immensely, and I was very extremely awesomely good at it.
I used to look for targets victims, and felt a surge of adrenaline when I could bait them into a verbal jousting match. It did not really matter if I was really right, as long as I could convince them I was. I enjoyed the challenge, and strategy involved. Before the conversation even started I would be ready with several sentences, words, and phrases, that – when carefully used – would guarantee victory – often at the cost of someone else’s self esteem. To put it plainly, I was a bully.
I also had a case of last-worditis. Basically that means that not only did I have to be right, I also had to have the last word – a Zinger. When it came to verbal jousting I was pretty quick on my feet, and I could have a whole list of Zingers to choose from within seconds.
Oh it gets worse…
I taught these skills to my children – who took to it like ducks to water, especially my son.
Obviously, when I became severely depressed I did not even have the desire or energy to participate in these bad behaviors. Fortunately, once I became mentally healthier I could identify why I chose to act this way – it made me feel better about myself – and make different choices.. However, the consequences of my past need to always be right, and have the last word are very heavy.
I think the worst consequences are as a result of teaching my children how to Verbally Joust. When I see them engage in these behaviors I feel very sad that I was the one who taught them how to do it. It is not a healthy way for them to gain self esteem. To be quite frank, in recent months they have delighted in behaving this way towards me. It hurts, and I know what they are doing. I can only imagine the pain they cause others who cannot identify why they’re being bullied.
The true nature of what I taught my children recently dawned on me. In a text conversation with my son, in which I was trying to explain to him how hurtful it was that he never took the time to call his grandmother regarding his grandfather’s – her husband – death, he was more intent on trying to be right, and having the last word, then actually hearing what I was trying to say. In fact, it was so important to him that at one point he took the time to let me know I had misspelled a word. With my daughter, these behaviors are less subtle. To obtain the last word – in a recent conversation – she began to use very inappropriate language. After letting her know that I would not talk to her while she was speaking to me that way – and hanging up – she chose to send me a text message full of obscenities. While I do wholeheartedly admit my role in teaching them Verbal Jousting, both of my children are old enough to make the choice to not behave in this manner.
I hope my children learn how to interact with others without Verbal Jousting and last-worditis. They are never really going to be truly happy with themselves until they do. Building your self esteem on how you can tear others down is a very shaky thing, and you almost always come tumbling down.
I still very much enjoy conversations where I can be right, however, nowadays they more closely resemble a healthy debate. In fact, whenever possible, I try to remember to ask the person on the receiving end if we can engage in a healthy debate. As far as my last-worditis goes, if I really MUST have the last word, I attempt to make sure it is a positive one.
